


finding light in the dark places.

by commonemergency



Series: finding light in the dark places. [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Bakeries, Found Family, Friends to Lovers, Grief and Loss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Original Character(s), Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 13:06:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 101,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19020529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: They’re all connected in some way. All have their own stories to tell. If Dan were a better person he’d get to know them more but he always feels like something is holding him back. So they just continue to work in each others spaces, creating things out of dough and making better things with icing. Donna’s slogan is that everything was made with love but he thinks that’s just because she made this thing—they’re just the hands that give it out to other people. One day, Dan thinks, he’ll hope to feel that passionate about something again.Or a story about grief and loss, found family, donuts, and first love.





	1. author's note.

Well. This fic really got away from me to say the least. Did you know that it was meant to be 10k? That did not happen.

This fic took a long time because it’s partially based on a time in my life that was kind of hard to write about—we write what we know and sometimes writing about what we know hurts. This fic was kind of therapeutic and healing in a lot of ways despite me taking forever to finish it. I turned twenty-one two weeks before my own incident happened at my school, it was really hard for me to cope with, I was living on my own, and had a lot going on in my home life- it felt like everything kind of happened at once and I always knew that I wanted to write about what happened, I did sort of, it was just a recount of the day and the text messages that I sent, but it was never on this scale. I kind of took everything from that year and deconstructed it into this story.

I know that the tags are intimidating and I asked a few of my friends on how to convince people that this story isn’t what it looks like. There’s a lot of talk about grief & loss, and processing and healing after traumatic things, but there’s a lot of love between found family that I really wanted to elaborate on. All the characters in this story are based off of people I know in my real life, and I’ll update everyone on how they are and where they are at the end.

I just wanted to write a fic that would let me try and understand the complexities of my own grief, and I just really wanted to write a sweet love story that didn’t have any big misunderstandings because life is short we deserve to read happy endings. This definitely has one.

Here’s some warnings for the story: there’s non descriptive mentions of someone being stabbed but I never write out the actual scene, it’s just the aftermath of it (i don’t like reading things that are descriptive about that so _i_ wouldn’t make anyone read anything like that, while it does deal with this heavy topic i promise i don’t take it lightly and made sure that it wasn’t over the top or in any way gory i wouldn’t do that), in saying that i do use the word ‘blood’ a few times but also non descriptive, there’s a lot of talk about grief and loss and how different people deal with that.

If anyone has seen Broadchurch it’s an actual place but it’s called West Bay (+Bridport is the town not too far away from it) it’s a gorgeous town, if you have a chance to look it up please do because the Jurassic coastline is something that I would like to see in person someday.

 

I have a list of people I would like to thank:

 

— Fi ([@psychicmoth](https://psychicmoth.tumblr.com/)): When you told me that you wanted to do art for my story I think I squealed and screamed for a good half hour, and then when you showed me what you’ve already created I screamed again and also cried. Thank you so much for everything that you do, and also for calming me down and encouraging me throughout this process. I’m sure my check ins were very chaotic and hectic and I was mostly screaming half the time but you are so kind. I’m so excited for everyone to see all the beautiful stuff you’ve made!

 — Kay ([@kay_okay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kay_okay/works)): This story probably wouldn’t exist without you. You’ve held my hand the entire way with this story and constantly encouraged me and talked me off the ledge numerous times and I cannot thank you enough for your friendship and your patience. You had to endure the longest slowburn, bless you. There were many nights when I would just cry to you over DM’s worried that people wouldn’t like this story or would be too intimidated by it and you would just calm me down and tell me that this story was good, and that it was worth something. While this is my baby I truly feel like we co-raised this story together. Thank you so much especially the last couple of days of me finishing this and constantly freaking out to you about finishing and if I needed to write more (I didn’t). You’re a star in my eyes, Kay. Thanks for being the best cheerleader. <3 (everyone say thank you Kay for posting this for me lol)

 —Lucy ([@howellidays](https://twitter.com/howellidays)): thank you so much for always finding time to read this story, especially in the beginning and for always yelling at me, ‘when are they going to kiss??’ your friendship means a lot to me, I have screenshots of all the nice things you said when you first read it and I would read over them for motivation.

 

I have two Spotify playlists for this fic. The first playlist is songs that made me think of the story, that I thought related to Dan, and what I listened to for inspo. The second playlist is all the instrumentals that I listened to when actually writing the story and the feelings that I was trying to go for.

 

Spotify playlist(i.): [ https://open.spotify.com/user/1235525619/playlist/4fSzV1N1Ef56KH2zlvLcI6?si=KcR98yBIQgmSaaiwoGdkcA ](https://open.spotify.com/user/1235525619/playlist/4fSzV1N1Ef56KH2zlvLcI6?si=KcR98yBIQgmSaaiwoGdkcA)

Spotify playlist(ii.): [ https://open.spotify.com/user/1235525619/playlist/3xShijV8KF27By9zlep7GI?si=WVFlJOuTTlKSOwlrBiq3tQ](https://open.spotify.com/user/1235525619/playlist/3xShijV8KF27By9zlep7GI?si=WVFlJOuTTlKSOwlrBiq3tQ)

 


	2. 001.

_“I could hear my heart beating. I could hear everyone's heart. I could hear the human noise we sat there making, not one of us moving, not even when the room went dark.”_ —  **raymond carver,** _what we talk about when we talk about love_

 

**00.**

 

 _It was an isolated attack,_ that’s what the BBC and every other radio and TV station said that night. It was an isolated attack  _,_ but  _my god_ , was it horrible.

“ _These kind of things don’t normally happen here,”_ Dan remembers hearing from one of the many interviews released from that day. Teachers who weren’t there when it happened crying while students waited confused because lectures were stopped abruptly stood in the background.

Paramedics swarmed the area, policemen guarding every exit and entrance. Dan had never seen a gun in real life until then.

“Mate?” The voice is distant.

This is a memory, but it never really goes away.

Dan remembers staring at the person in front of him. He’s holding a blanket, but it looks like a sheet of tinfoil but it gets wrapped around him. He can’t remember if he was cold or not. He just knows that he had blood on his clothes.  

“You think this will wash out?” He says, but his mouth feels like it’s detached in a way. Like he’s not in his body.

“Yeah, I think so. Can I call someone for you?” The paramedic asks.

Dan shakes his head.

“I think I want to go for a walk.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Can I get you to sit down, lad?” The person is steering him towards the ambulance but Dan shakes his head, giving him back the sheet that’s wrapped around him.

Dan looks towards the scene and sees that there’s another sheet; a different kind of sheet over a body of a person that Dan once knew. Dan doesn’t know if they were considered friends, but he  _knew_ him.

 _It was an isolated attack_ , and Dan finds that fitting because he’s never felt so fucking alone than in this moment.

**001.**

It’s raining. There’s a little girl with her mother walking out of the building hand in hand with a pink umbrella that has Hello Kitty on the top. The little girl is talking animatedly with her mother it looks like with the way that her hands are being thrown in the air. Dan can’t remember what it was like being that age, but it makes him nostalgic for something. Although he thinks that it can’t be all that great seeing that this is a place where people come to talk about things they don’t want to talk about.

Dan hasn’t spoken in a couple of minutes and he knows that it must be exhausting sitting here across from him while he watches other people but not saying anything himself. Most sessions are like this: a lot of staring, a lot of thinking, but never really saying anything. He’s good at that, he thinks, diverting conversations that are about him without digging into the problem deeper.

The mother closes the door now and Dan wonders if anyone else notices her when she’s not looking. Her face falls, but she quickly closes the umbrella putting it in the trunk of her car before opening her own door. So many stories held in this one building, it must be bloody exhausting.

Dan turns to his therapist now. It’s his third one the past two months. It wasn’t his idea but he wanted to make his mother happy since she thinks that if Dan doesn’t talk to someone he’ll explode. Maybe that was true, he didn’t know. Today was numb and grey like the weather. His thoughts were quite hazy, and he won’t bring up the fact that he had another nightmare that made him get out of bed and go on the walks that he normally finds himself on.

He doesn’t tell her that he has a route that he goes to when a nightmare is particularly bad. He’s explored every inch of Bridport and West Bay, but his legs would beg to differ. He was sore this morning but he knows that it’s partially from the lack of sleep.

“What are you thinking about?” She asks, her eyes wandering to the window with him. They’re not there anymore, they’ve already driven away and she’s just missed them. He bites his bottom lip, eyes still staring at the empty space where their car used to be.

He’s thinking about how he just missed _him_. If he had been there a minute earlier he would have seen it and been able to give the police a better statement. He fumbled through the whole thing, tripping over his words, getting distracted by people staring at him from afar, probably looking at the tinfoil sheet wrapped around him, or maybe the fact that he had his blood on his clothes.

He just missed  _him_.

His hands are shaking a little and he sits on them, looking back at his therapist shaking his head. “I don’t know,” He says. It’s his go to answer.  _‘I don’t know’_ had been his favourite phrase to every person who asked him what he was thinking, how he felt, or if he was coming back to Manchester.

She writes something down and he winces.

“Dan I think it would be beneficial for you to maybe write down what you’re feeling throughout the week. You don’t need to give it to me, but you can if you want.” She grabs something from her briefcase, it’s a black moleskin journal, the kind that you see at Waterstones but never buy because of the price.

He grabs it from her, his fingers running over the cover feeling the soft edges of the paper with the pad of his thumb.

“Our time is up.” She says again, looking down at her watch and smiling politely at Dan.

“Same time next week?” She asks, as if he doesn’t have anywhere else to go. He appreciates the option to say no anyways.

“Yeah.” He tucks his journal underneath his arm and nods to her heading out of the room.

It smells like playdough, coffee, and a bit like a hospital. Two of those things belong and the other one doesn’t. Maybe they all fit in some way that Dan can’t understand.

He doesn’t understand a lot of things lately.

He tries not to stare at the children too long. He definitely avoids looking at people his age, they’ve all gone through similar things, they’re all here ‘ _to get better_ ’ and try and move on so they can be productive humans in society again.

He doesn’t think about the fact that something had to happen for them to be here. He pulls up his hood and walks to the bus stop and he waits.

 

*

 

Dan rests his head against the window, it’s cool against his forehead but it feels good. He closes his eyes having already a sense of when it’s his time to get off. He feels his phone buzz in his pocket and he sighs, giving himself a second longer to have his eyes closed before he opens them again, looking at a message from his flatmate, Hayley.

 

_Hi i know you’re at therapy but i was hoping you could stop and grab a pizza? x  
_ _We were gonna do bonfire night but the bloody rain ruined those plans so we’re just gonna watch harry potter instead_

 

Dan thinks of the amount of energy that’ll take to socialise when Hayley invites everyone over like that. He knows that it’s good to be surrounded by people but therapy days sucked the life out of him and all he wants to do is climb into bed and sleep the rest of the night.

 

_yeah alright x  
_ _better bloody pick prisoner of azkaban or i’m eating all the pizza_

 

He goes online to put an order in to the Domino’s near their flat and goes back to resting his forehead against the window. It’s pouring down now, it’s a real loss to West Bay whenever it rains. The tourists leave earlier and despite having decent pubs surrounding the area that’s not why people come here.

Tourist season was coming to an end anyway, maybe the weather knew that and was getting them prepared for the slow decline in people. Dan had never experienced it before, but he already knew that he would dread it.

 _“It’s not too late to come home,”_ he can hear his mother when he brought up the recent slow days they’d been having at the bakery. Their phone calls are far and wide and it always ends with Dan being angry at his mum for not understanding. It’s not really fair, Dan doesn’t understand why he’s angry either. He just  _is._

He gathers his things and rings the bell to stop, putting his hood back on. When his feet hit the pavement it’s in a puddle of water.

“Fucksake,” he says with a laugh. There’s nothing funny about it but it’s been a long day so far and that was just the icing on the cake. He walks down the row of shops and flats on the top floors, he passes by DIY stores that’s hardly ever visited and a Waitrose, thinking of how cruel it is that he has to travel to get to Lidl because of his love hate relationship with Waitrose.

He opens the door to the Dominos and he smiles at the man at the counter telling him the name he ordered it under and how many pizzas he’s picking up. They know Hayley and they give him an extra amount of ranch because she always asked for it.

“How are things at the bakery?” The guy asks while they’re waiting for the last pizza.

Dan shrugs his shoulders. “Getting slower,”

The man gives him a sympathetic expression. It’s how it is with family owned businesses, it was hard to keep in business during the slow seasons but from what he’s heard the bakery has been steady for the past four years and he’s just never known because they stopped coming to West Bay for holidays a long time ago.

“Donna is a town favourite.” He says handing over both the pizzas now.

Dan smiles, he has to agree with that.

Donna saved his life in so many ways.

“Have a good one, mate.” The man says with another smile.

Dan tries to wave goodbye, instead he just nods.

The rain turns into a drizzle, Dan says fuck it to trying to keep his hair from getting wet, it’s gonna curl itself anyway. He runs to get home faster but he’s just out of breath by the time he gets to their flat struggling to open the door with all the shit he’s been carrying. He walks up the stairs to the second floor and kicks on the door.

Hayley’s girlfriend opens it and she smiles reaching out for the pizzas to take to their tiny kitchen.

“Thank you,” Alex says with an appreciative smile. She gets a stack of plates out. It’s always a hit or miss with the people that come over to their flat and bonfire nights. Dan doesn’t always go to them.

The only reason everyone knows each other is because of group therapy.

Dan hasn’t gone in almost a month.

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever go back.

Alex looks like she wants to ask about therapy. She just takes a bite of the pizza instead, offering Dan a plate. He’s not particularly hungry right now but he hasn’t had a meal today and he needs to eat. He smiles briefly, grabbing it from her and taking one single slice.

He sits at the tiny table and looks out the window to the street. He sees people walking down with their raincoats and wellies and remembers how soaked his socks and shoes are. He sighs getting up to head to his room, before everyone comes, to change. He doesn’t know what to do about his shoes other than hope that they dry by morning.

By the time he’s finished changing, Hayley is opening the door for their guests. He politely waves and says hello, trying his best to not come off as a complete dick. He didn’t really leave group therapy in the best light. Then again, he didn’t really tell anyone he was leaving at all. It seemed to be a common theme with Dan and the people in his life.

He had so many unread text messages and Facebook posts from people back in Wokingham and Manchester. He just didn’t have the energy to relive it all again.

“Dan got the pizza,” Hayley says as she grabs coats and puts them in their closet. Their flat is small and can barely fit Dan and Hayley and on occasion Alex when she stays over but somehow they make it work, even if it means sitting on top of each other which has happened before.

Dan smiles a little, taking another bite of pizza before getting up, handing people plates and offering soda or squash to those who want it. Most of these people he’s had group therapy with though there were a few that he didn’t recognise. He introduces himself to them but they all seem very timid, like they don’t know what to make of the weekly after group therapy hangouts that Hayley hosts.

They come anyway because Hayley is a hard person to say no to.

“As requested by Dan for getting the pizza, we’re watching Prisoner of Azkaban,” Hayley sets up the DVD player, and despite Dan putting every movie in alphabetic order she still searches for it. He smiles a little at that. He’s only known Hayley for four (almost five) months, but he likes getting to know little things about her like this. Despite knowing they’re in order she does it her own way before finding it with a triumphant smile.

The rest of the gang get settled in and Dan is standing in the kitchen watching from there. The window is cracked and he can hear the rain coming down again and he looks out the window to see people running down the street to get to warmth. There’s a way that they’re running that triggers something in his brain. They’re looking behind them for a moment and when they open their mouth they’re laughing but Dan’s heart is racing and he doesn’t know why.

Suddenly it feels like the heat is on the highest it can go and there’s tiny little pricks poking at the corners of his heart and then squeezing it. He winces, trying to walk to his room without drawing much attention to himself but Hayley and Alex notice, because of course they do. He doesn’t know if they look at each other but he closes his door and jumps on his bed and stares up at the ceiling.

He doesn’t understand half of his triggers. Doesn’t understand why he feels this way other than that he does and he just has to ride that anxiety ridden train out for a while. He can’t sleep because his mind is racing. He shakes his head, getting up and putting his wet shoes back and grabs his jacket.

He leaves his phone on the bed and walks out of his room, and doesn’t bother making eye contact with Hayley and Alex. He just walks out without a goodbye.

He runs down the steps and out the door. Bridport looks like it’s being drowned out by all the rain, an unusual fall storm, it never rains this hard. He knows that it’s a bad decision to be walking out here, his body will hate him for it when he inevitably gets sick. He just needs to find some peace of mind but he hasn’t had that in a long time, and he knows that going out for a walk in the pouring rain he won’t find it, but he does it for that _just in case._

His heart is still beating fast despite the fact that there was no imminent danger, there was nothing coming from him, he didn’t see _anything_ , but the trauma was still fresh. It was still there if he closed his eyes long enough and thought about it. He tried so hard not to think about it but it was there. It was there and it existed and it was the third flatmate that lived with Dan and Hayley and it never left, it just leeched off of Dan because it had nowhere else to go.

Dan doesn’t think about the fact that he helps nurse it. He doesn’t think about the fact that he doesn’t stop it from growing.

 

*

 

It’s about a mile walk to West Bay, a bit over an hour long to get there, it’s eight minutes on a bike and an even shorter drive. Dan’s been able to cut half the time because of how many times he’s done it since moving here, he pushes himself to keep moving despite how much his lungs want to concave and his legs want to give out.  _It’s good for him_ , he tells himself but he never really does feel good about making himself do something that’s almost pure torture. He’s not doing it for the exercise. It’s not exactly a form of self destruction, he’s just doing it to get somewhere that’s not where he was last. It’s running away from everything because it’s easier than having to face it.

This would go by a lot quicker had he brought his phone but he doesn’t want to think about the several worried text messages he’s probably getting from both Hayley and Alex just for them to look in his room to see his phone laying on his bed. A car honks when he crosses the street, Dan’s heart is pounding again at the sudden sound, he runs until he reaches the roundabout.

He watches people pull into their driveway while children run out with backpacks. School has started in some places. Dan tries not to think about the email that he got from his school wishing him the best of luck until he comes back.  _If he were to ever come back_. He pushes the thought away, walking faster down street.

When he sees the West Bay pier there’s not that many people out. Locals are closing up shop while a few begrudgingly stay open for the tourists that have decided to stay. He walks in one of the fish and chips shop to wait out the storm and just gets the chips. He dips them into tartar sauce and he sighs. He doesn’t know why he’s here. Normally he’d take a walk along the cliffs and look down at how far away from the bottom he was. It always made him feel so small. The ground would be muddy and his shoes were already ruined enough as it is.

“We’re closing up shop soon,” The woman standing at the till says. Dan nods, grabbing his bundle of chips and walks out.

There’s a row of beach huts that he can sit in to wait out the rain. He sits on one of the benches and watches what he assumes to be the coast guard in the distance. The waves look choppy from afar. If Dan were in the right mindset he’d think that this was a quite beautiful view. The weather is terrible but there was beauty in the gloomy atmosphere.

When the rain becomes a mist he gets closer to the water, grabbing a rock to throw out into the ocean. He smooths his thumb against the soft side of the rock and then he tries to skip it.

It doesn’t glide like he wants it to.

It just sinks.

 

*

 

By the time Dan gets home it’s dark, but the rain is gone. Hayley and Alex have already gone to bed by the looks of it. Everything is cleaned up in the kitchen other than Dan’s glass of water that he left. He bites down on his bottom lip, grabbing the cup and finishing the water before placing it in the sink and then going to his room trying not to make that much sound.

His phone is where he left it, he has a text message from Hayley asking him if he’s alright and then a heart from Alex. He feels a tug on  _his_ heart, putting his phone on the charger. He changes from his wet clothes, placing them on the rack in his room and puts his shoes by the heater knowing that it really won’t do much. He changes into his pyjamas and quietly walks to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He tries very hard to not look himself in the mirror. It’s true that he doesn’t always like who he sees, but it’s more he doesn’t want to see what other people see. It’s the dark circles under his eye or the fact that his hair is getting longer and needs a haircut. For someone who felt like they aged within the past couple of months he still looked like a scared little boy.

He grabs the moleskin from his bag and sits on his bed. He’s just staring at it, like somehow he can telepathically give it the words, but he doesn’t know what to write. It’s like there’s been this blockage, this barrier that prevents him from even touching the subject. He’s tried before, it’s like once he gets over one thing another thing pops up.

He sighs, writing the date on the first page and the time. It’s all that he can write.

He wraps it back up and places it on the bedside table before reaching over to turn off the light.

He stares at his ceiling now.

Somewhere in Manchester, a family is left with questions that cannot be answered.

Somewhere in Manchester, there’s a child without a father, but she’s not old enough to understand that yet.

_Dan didn’t know if they were considered friends, but he knew him._

 

*

 

Most mornings are Dan dragging himself out of bed to stiff joints and feeling overwhelmingly cold. The rain left them with some foggy weather from what Dan can see out of his window. He grabs a sweatshirt and walks out of his room to their tiny kitchen where breakfast is being made. It’s just Alex, Hayley has already gone into work at the bakery.

He sits down on one of the chairs, resting his head in his hands and taking deep breaths. He feels hungover in a way, like he hasn’t gotten enough sleep and a pounding headache. Alex, like she’s reading his mind, sets a cup of coffee down and tugs on one of his hairs that curled overnight gently.

He knows that he should say sorry for last night. He’s done this to them so many times he doesn’t know if the ‘sorries’ ever really stick but he means all of them. It’s not their fault that they got stuck with a broken flatmate.

“Thank you,” he says with a small smile taking a sip.

“You’re welcome,” she’s back to stirring whatever she’s making in the pan.

Dan taps his fingers against the mug and takes a deep breath.

“Sorry about last night.”

He watches Alex’s facial expression change, but what surprises him most is the fact that she’s smiling.

“You’re okay.” She turns to him, the small empathetic smile still there.

He wants to press the issue more, but he doesn’t have the energy and he doesn’t want to have to explain himself even though he knows that he should. Instead he takes another drink of the coffee before getting up and grabbing the bread from the fridge and setting two pieces in the toaster for breakfast.

“Want some eggs?” She’s finishing up her scramble, adding more pepper to it and he shrugs,  _why not?_

They work around each other like that, Alex placing scramble on Dan’s plate and Dan giving her the second piece of toast, and they make more coffee and sit at the table and they don’t have to say anything. It’s nice to feel like there’s just a piece of normality in this flat, he wishes that were more days like this morning for him to remember, so he savours it, keeps it in his pocket for a rainy day because there were a lot of them.

“I think I’ll walk you to the bakery,” Alex says when they start to clean the dishes.

Dan smiles a little, knowing why. “I think Hayley would like that.” He rests a hand on her shoulder quickly, moving past her to get ready for the day.

Dan attempts to straighten his hair but it’s a bad hair day and nothing seems to really be going right as his shoes haven’t dried and he knows that it’s his fault. He sighs doubling up on his socks hoping that at least he won’t have to feel the direct wetness from the first layer. He grabs his work hat and stuffs it in his sweatshirt pocket and then his phone off the charger, taking a glance at the moleskin journal before shaking his head and closing the door behind him.

Dan sits on the couch, looking at the DVD’s that the group had went through last night, noticing the Friends tv box set in the corner and smiling a little at the fact that after Harry Potter they resorted back to a tradition. It was one that came naturally, unknowingly, if they weren’t doing bonfires then it was back here at the flat ending the night with Friends, because everyone liked Friends and it made them laugh after a long day of talking.

He feels a twinge of guilt.

“Ready?” Alex has got her hair in two braids and her rainbow windbreaker on. He smiles briefly, nodding his head and getting up from their couch. He takes the keys out of his pocket and closes up the flat, and they walk down the stairs and out the building.

It’s a horribly thick foggy day, but it’s to be expected.

Dan shoves his hands in his pockets walking next to Alex. They never had a whole lot to talk about. In the beginning when Dan had moved in with Hayley it was like an endless amount of questions she asked about him. He knew that it was to be kind and to get to know who her girlfriend was living with but being under that kind of spotlight was a lot for him when he didn’t want to be seen.

She saw pieces of the ‘ _real him_ ’ when he heard a drunken group of people down the street yelling, and then a car alarm went off. His eyes shifted to the door and he stood there completely frozen, and it was like whatever Hayley and Alex were saying to him weren’t going through and it kept moving past him in slow motion. He could have fainted from how overstimulated he felt, instead he holed himself in his room.

She stopped asking questions after a while. She was already beginning to understand this part of him. It was the part that no one really wanted to see.

“You stopped going to group therapy, yeah?” She says, clearing her throat.

He nods. “Yeah.”

This isn’t a conversation he wants to be having this early in the morning, but he lets her have a couple of questions before he diverts the conversation.

“Okay.” She says with a small smile. It catches him off guard but he doesn’t question it.

They say hello to the people who are opening up their shops despite the gloomy weather, the town still goes on. Despite tourist season ending there’s always people coming in and out of Bridport and West Bay. He remembers being a kid and coming down on the weekends with his grandmother. It was a simpler time back then, he feels a bit nostalgic thinking about it. This was a temporary home until, well,  _whenever._

“I won’t be in tonight,” Alex says with a sigh, “I’m going over to my mum’s for dinner,”

Dan nods. “Yeah? What are Hayley and I supposed to do when you’re gone? Talk to each other?” He jokes, and she shoves him.

“I always feel bad if I don’t visit my mum at least once a week.” Alex says with a shrug.

Dan frowns slightly. He needs to call his own mum.

They’re getting close now, the bakery is in between a florist shop and a souvenir shop. Alex stands in front of the window and makes faces at Hayley who’s ringing up a customer and Dan laughs, shaking his head.

“You’re so annoying,” Dan says with a fond voice, opening the door for both of them.

Dan goes to the back and hangs his sweatshirt up and puts his hat on and washes his hands. He takes one last look at his phone and there’s nothing.

“Have a nice day!” Hayley says with her best customer service voice, she tilts her head, looking at Alex who’s slowly approaching the till.

“Hey, you come here often?” She bends down to look at their remaining donuts, it’s quite a bit left and her favourites are always last to be eaten. Hayley grabs one of the old fashioned donuts and places it into a bag and Dan watches as they banter back and forth with each other.

It’s been so long since he had someone like that. He’s been single for three years and it’s never really bothered him, and it still really doesn’t, but there’s something that he feels looking at them and wanting a connection like that. It doesn’t really last long, he pushes the wanting aside and rings Alex up.

“Alright, I gotta get going to  _my_ job.” Alex reaches across the counter to kiss Hayley. Dan looks away and outside the window. He spends a lot of his time doing that.

“Oh, shit.” Alex says, looking where Dan is looking.

Dan raises an eyebrow.

“Is that...?” Alex laughs now, waving her hand at the guy standing outside the shop.

“Yeah.” Hayley says with a smile. “He already came in a bit ago, he’s just looking around the town now.”

Alex grabs her things and power walks outside and Dan watches as she surprises the guy with a hug.

“Who’s that?” Dan questions, noticing how his glasses almost fly off his face with the force from the hug.

“Phil. He’s an old school friend.” Hayley hands him the broom and dustpan.

He grabs it from her. It’s time to get to work.

 

*

 

There’s a church on top of a hill overlooking West Bay, in the distance you can see the golden cliffs. Many tourists hike up here just to get a picture of the view. During a particularly rough night Dan would hike up here just to get some distance, despite the fact that he wasn’t religious he found himself at the church a lot, looking over at each gravestone wondering what their stories were. The gravestones are very old, new life formed all around it, reminding him that despite something being gone something else is capable of being grown in its place.

The sun is barely peeking through the dark clouds, he looks over to the ocean where the streak of sun is shining down and he thinks how nice it must feel to have that bit of warmth. He was tired of feeling cold all the time. He bit down on his bottom lip, turning around to find one of the benches that was dedicated to someone to sit down on.

He grabs his phone out of his pocket and scrolls through his messages, the last one was from his mum a couple days ago asking what she should do about his pile of mail that he’s been receiving because it’s months worth. He looks at the time and figures if she’s working, and he concludes that she probably is even though it’s just a cop out of him not to call her, to prolong it just a little.

Instead, he sees a familiar hat with curls poking out the sides. He gets up, sticking his phone back in his pocket and walks towards her. She’s bending down with a bucket in hand and a gardening tool.

“Donna?” He says.

Donna looks up at Dan with surprise before her natural warm smile spreads across her face.

“Daniel.” She gets up, reaching out to hug him. “Didn’t expect to see you here.” She says this as if they don’t always run into each other here more than they do at the actual bakery that she owns.

He laughs anyway, rolling his eyes and pointing towards the weeds that have been growing in the garden. “You do this a lot?”

Most of the time she comes here to pray. That’s what she says anyway.

“Well, no one else is doing it.”

“Makes sense.” He shrugs, bending down with her. She grabs another pair of gloves and hands it to him. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this, he’s not obligated but he feels like it in a way since she was the one to give him a job and introduced him to Hayley for a place to stay, he feels like he owes it to her.

“Talked to your nana today.” Donna shows him her technique of taking the weeds out and he quietly follows.

“Yeah?” He feels a little nervous, knowing that despite him being here Donna and his nana would still talk to each other either way. “What did she say about me?”

She smirks a little, shaking her head. “Not everything is about you Daniel.” She waves her small shovel in his face and he chuckles. “She was just asking how things are going at the bakery and if you were okay on rent.”

“I’m okay,” he says with a small smile. It’s probably not convincing enough but for the most part he was okay. Every day was becoming more monotonous than the last and that was something that he needed right now.

She looks at him like she knows something, and he looks away from her gaze, moving onto the next section in the garden.

They’re quiet for a while, Donna humming a hymn that he vaguely remembers when he used to go to church with his nana, plucking up weeds and planting new life in the empty spaces. It’s calming in a way, being able to do something with his hands and not really having to think about anything else. The serenity of it all gets ruined with the first drops of rain.

Donna looks up at the sky and then back at Dan with a shrug. “There’s no time limit to finish,” she says, getting up and taking off her gloves. Dan grabs the bucket of weeds and their instruments they used and follows Donna to the churches shed.

The rain starts to come down harder and they run from the shed to the inside of the church to wait out the heavy rain. They stand in the doorway, watching the cliffs. Dan can sense that she’s staring at him, he doesn’t want to meet her gaze. He had been running away from direct conversations with everyone for months, and he can always tell when someone wanted to talk about it.

“It took me a really long time to come to terms with what happened to me.” She starts off. Dan looks over at her, and notices the way that she looks down at the ground now. She never looks her age, Donna has a young spirit for being in her mid 70’s, but looking at her now, she looks older having seen things she shouldn’t have seen. Dan has just never been brave enough to ask.

Dan feels a lump in his throat and he nods slowly.

“I only know what your nana told me, and what was shown on the telly.” She reaches out to touch his arm, he knows that it’s supposed to be soothing but he feels exposed.

The anger that he feels inside festers a little, and he winces at the touch and she quickly draws her hand away and he shakes his head a little.

“No, it’s—it’s not you.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m just working things out.”  _Still._

She takes it with a gracious nod.

“I know you’re in therapy, but if you ever just want to talk. Well, you know where to find me. I’m a bit everywhere.” She smiles, and Dan wishes that he deserved her smile.

“I seem to run into you everywhere  _but_ the bakery.” He comments and she shrugs.

“Hayley is pretty good at managing everything when I’m not there.” She says, taking one last look outside. “I’m going to go say hello to the pastor. I’ll see you later, Daniel. Call your nana, she misses you.”

He watches her leave and he stands there a little bit longer, bracing himself for a second day of wet shoes.

 

*

 

He stops by the store to get stuff to make pasta tonight, Hayley should be done with her one-on-one therapy session and they’d probably sit and watch a movie like they normally do. It’s one of the small little traditions that he’s grown quite used to. He tries not to think of the inevitable, how long this will last before time runs out. He knows that in his emails there’s a lot of things that he needs to look over that’s school related but he wants to delay just a little bit longer and be in this bubble that he’s completely lost in.

When he climbs up their stairs he sees that she’s already on the couch with a blanket that Alex quilted together with their initials. The colours are pink, purple and orange, like a sunset.

“Hey,” he says, placing the groceries on their counter and then hanging his jacket up and putting his shoes by the door.

Hayley tilts her head up and waves.

“Hey,” she says with a small sigh.

He frowns slightly. Therapy days are exhausting, and most of the time Hayley tried to fill the hole with people. Tonight she was stuck with him.

“I’m going to attempt to make pasta.” He says rubbing the back of his neck. “Uh, the last time I made pasta it was a complete flop because I fucking burned it by not adding water.” He says it to make her laugh, but it was true. He was a freshmen then, unprepared for the world of university and while it was quite traumatic then it brings him back to a moment when that was his only worry.

She snorts, before thinking about it more and then laughing again. “Fuck, you’re useless.” She says, getting up and smirking at him.

“I mean, not completely. I  _was_ a freshmen.” He says dramatically, placing a hand on his heart and she rolls her eyes playfully.

“Okay, well, I would very much like non-burnt pasta, so I’ll help you.”

“Unbelievably rude.” He says with a laugh, turning the heat on and grabbing the pasta from the bag.

Hayley, like with most things, takes over without realising it and Dan lets her. He stands back for a second, watching the way she works around the kitchen. One of the first things that he noticed about her when he first came to Bridport was how in the moment she could be when it came to tasks at hand. It was one of the reasons why Donna trusted her so much with her bakery, maybe because she was her granddaughter, too, but she was good at what she did.

Dan turns around, feeling like he’s been staring too long and butters some toast and adds a little bit of the garlic powder and parmesan they have and places them in their small oven. It’s not perfect garlic bread but it’ll do for now.

Dan gets red sauce out of the bag and places it next to Hayley and she smiles faintly. Dan catches her eye and notices how sad she looks. It hurts.

He gulps and turns around grabbing the toast from the oven and placing it onto a paper towel. She takes a deep breath and sort of smiles to herself. It’s the kind of smile that wasn’t really made for him. It was the kind of smile that came with remembering something.

“Olivia loved to cook, but she wasn’t very good at it.” Hayley’s voice is almost a whisper. Dan gets one of the wooden spoons out and stands next to her. She smiles in appreciation.

“I’m pretty sure she also burned pasta because she forgot to add water in it.” Her laugh is distant.

Dan doesn’t say anything for a moment. He just lets the memory pass. He stirs the pasta sauce now before saying, “At least she forgot. I just genuinely didn’t think pasta  _needed_ water.”

It helps a little bit, because she smiles, but a moment later its gone again.

“I just remembering coming back home from work to all the windows opened and her fanning away the smoke. I can still smell the burnt pasta.” She blinks away a tear and then turns the stove off. “I guess you never really forget things like that.” She looks at Dan.

He wants to tell her stories about Jacob, but he didn’t have any to tell. He didn’t know what was more heartbreaking. The guilt that he felt of not having any worthwhile stories makes his stomach turn. He winces a little.

He could tell her that Jacob sat next to him because he was late to class and it was one of the only seats available. He could tell her that he had a habit of chewing on his pencils like Dan did because he was nervous about exams. He could tell her that he carried a water bottle with him that had a sticker on it from some company that Dan didn’t know about.

“I’m sorry.” Dan says instead. He knows that she must hear ‘ _I’m sorry’_ a lot but sometimes it was the only thing that could be said.

“It’s okay,” she says, wiping her face with her sleeve. “I mean, you get it.” She says with a shrug.  _You lost someone too._

“Pasta is done.” She says with a triumphant smile.

“Pasta is done.” Dan repeats, reaching up to grab the bowls.

 

*

 

Dan cleans up everything after they eat. He thanks Hayley for not burning the pasta and she almost starts to cry again but she laughs saying that it’s been a long day. Dan gives her a hug because it felt like the right thing to do.

“Sorry I’m not Alex.” He teases, giving her a gentle squeeze.

“I’m sorry too.” She says back and they both laugh in the quiet of their flat.

“You’re quite mean to me.” Dan says with a smile.

Hayley shrugs her shoulders, “I mean, someone has to be.”

Dan grins, nodding his head. “Fair enough.”

“Thank you.” Hayley says more quietly now, reaching her room.

Dan takes a deep breath. “Sleep well, Hayley. Someone has to.”  _It may as well be you_ , he thinks, turning off all the lights in their kitchen and living room.

 

*

 

Dan doesn’t sleep that well, he’s tossing and turning, it’s just this has been a problem even before the accident and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He never used to have such vivid nightmares but that’s all that it is now, little small fragments of things that have happened to him in real life intertwined with some kind of sick fantasy world. He’s running a lot in his dreams, or he’s having to make some impossible decision where someone has to die in order for him to live. It doesn’t make much sense to him, but he still feels it, the panic, and when he wakes up he’s alone.

He’s alone, but with a flatmate that would understand because she had them, too, still. He doesn’t want to bother her though. They’ve both got things that scare them but Hayley was doing much better lately. He found it hard to reach out to people, especially when he thought of things in comparisons.

Dan gets up, grabbing his laptop from under his bed. He plugs it in and turns it on. It hasn’t been used much since he got here. He’s only done a couple of things online that he had to do before he committed to being in Bridport full time.

It’s odd seeing his desktop photo, it was a couple of people from his law course that he had became friends with, they’re all wearing their University of Manchester shirts the first day back from one of their breaks, they’ve got their arms around Dan despite the fact that he didn’t really want to take the photo because he didn’t want people to know that he was actually enjoying the social part of university despite the fact that he hated the classes he was taking and what he was majoring in. He bites his bottom lip, clicking the desktop button to change his background.

He hadn’t talked to those people in a really long time, he had been ignoring almost everyone for months hoping that they’d just forget that he ever existed. He goes to his last searches, not really even remembering what he looked up last until it hits him in the face.

**1 dead, 2 hurt in stabbing at University of Manchester**

Dan had visited the article numerous of times. It was when the story was still developing, no one knew anything, there was chaos all around the school trying to figure out how to evacuate. Dan feels a chill down his spine and he exits out of the window again, and closes his laptop.

He places his computer back where it came from and gets under the covers again, cocooning himself in them and staring at his wall. He would be up in a few hours to start prepping things at the bakery.

 

*

 

When Dan’s alarm goes off he reaches over to turn his lights on. He grabs the journal off his nightstand and he writes the date and time. His pen hovers over the empty pages. Maybe that’s all they’ll ever be—just empty pages. He sighs, putting it back and swinging his legs over to grab his trousers off of the floor and putting them on again. He grabs his work t-shirt and throwing them on and then a clean pair of socks with his trainers that are still a bit damp but it’ll have to do for now.

He can hear commotion from outside his door, Hayley is awake despite the fact that she doesn’t come until much later when the shop actually opens but Hayley liked to keep busy and do more work than what she needed. She says that it’s because of Donna, the one woman that everyone who works at the bakery would do anything for because of this chance that she gave them. It seemed that Donna knew how to pick up strays, all kind of broken and left in someway and she brushed them off and gave them something to do while they worked on themselves.

Dan didn’t believe in God or anyone or anything but he believed in Donna.

“You’re fucking crazy going in right now,” Dan says turning their coffee maker.

“Yeah,” she says with a yawn, leaning against their fridge. “I mean, I promised my grandma I’d help today since Lauren’s out sick,”

“You’re a good person.” Dan says with his own yawn, grabbing the two to-go cups from the cupboard and pouring a decent amount of coffee into both of them and handing her one of the cups.

She grabs the creamer out of their fridge and pours a solid amount, Dan swears that it’s more creamer than it is coffee but that’s how she likes it.

Dan grabs his jacket from off the hook and then Hayley’s too. She smiles at him weakly. They’re both quiet people in the morning, both operating better at night. Dan was lucky when it came to flatmates. He’d never stop thanking Donna for all the small gifts that she gave him.

“I like this time of year I just hate that we’re not as busy,” Hayley says as they walk down the quiet street to the bakery.

This time of year seemed to drag, it felt neverending. Dan used to love this time of year but now he wasn’t sure where he fit with things anymore.

He doesn’t say anything, he can’t really relate. He’s only been at the bakery for the couple months that he’s been here, but Hayley has lived here her entire life. The only time she left was for York but that was for school. He wondered what brought people back to this place, maybe it was the beautiful scenery, but maybe, he thought, it was the people. He didn’t know.

Dan takes a drink of his coffee, he watches as a car passes by them and tenses up until they’re gone. Hayley places a hand on Dan’s arm for a moment, she smiles at him, but the smile fades and Dan’s heart stops beating fast. If he were brave enough to talk to his therapist he’d ask her why he still froze up like that.

 

*

 

There are some mornings when it feels like exactly how they make their dough. It takes time, there’s a lot of waiting, filing in the gaps by making icing, crossing things off their list, a small moment of feeling satisfied in doing so. Sometimes there’s standing, but Dan’s feet don’t hurt as much like the first couple of weeks, he’s gotten used to constantly running around. It’s just that this morning felt slow, most days are now with the weather changing.

The door opens again and there’s dark blue streaks in the sky from what Dan can see. They should be setting things out on display soon getting close to opening up for the day. Dan yawns and smiles slightly when he sees Donna in her favourite wool sweater that has holes in odd places but she says she’s had it for years and it’s still her comfort clothing.

“Hello.” She says, her voice is cheerful.

She washes her hands and gets into gear, there’s things that still need to be iced after they take the donuts out of the fryer and it was always her favourite part of the baking. Apparently during special community nights here Donna and the crew would always make themed pastries, but it was always the donuts that were the best seller because of how Donna would design them.

She’s had this place for years and was only now starting to let someone else take the reins a bit. Hayley did her best considering they had a small staff, but Donna was always inviting people in, giving them temporary jobs until they found their footing. That was Dan. She never asked him how long he’d stay, only that Dan had to  promise to give it his all when he was here.

He tries hard not to think about the expiration date that often hangs over his head, tries not to think about how this wasn’t the life that his parents want him to be living. He just doesn’t know where else to go.

“You good?” Donna asks, she raises an eyebrow. It overwhelms him to be getting so much attention from one person always.

“Yeah.” Dan says, nodding his head, “I’m so used to icing the donuts I can kind of just… drift away while my hands do all the work.”

Donna thinks about it for a second, she smiles big. “I’ll tell you about how this—” she gestures to the donuts and then around them, ”became something soon.”

“I’d like that.” He says with a small smile.

Hayley and another one of the employees, Soph, start taking things out to place in the displays.

Soon, all the lights get turned on, the music is switched to something softer. The tiredness from last night doesn’t hit him until he’s behind the counter waiting for someone to see their OPEN sign and come in. Most mornings are slow, at least the very first hour, despite them being central part of town there are other places that are preferable over their small bakery but they have a lot of loyalty, even if that loyalty is people who come here once a year during their holiday.

 

*

 

When Dan’s shift is over he walks home by himself. Hayley was going to the store to get some stuff for the meal she was going to make tonight. Dan would normally tag along but he was tired from the lack of sleep, and his body was exhausted. He feels his phone buzz in his pocket and he sees that it’s a text from his mum reminding him to call her sometime this week. It’s to catch up on his life, considering she only hears snippets of it when he talks to his nana. He knows that it’s shitty of him to prefer talking to his nana but there was something incredibly vulnerable about talking to his mum about things that she didn’t understand. He didn’t know how to be close to his parents anymore—not that he had been before, but it was like all this anger that he felt made him resent the people closest to him.

It wasn’t their fault that he changed.

Dan grabs his keys from his pocket, sighing as he walks up the flight of stairs to their flat. When Dan unlocks the door there’s a pair of shoes that he doesn’t recognise and the telly is on. Dan’s heart beats fast seeing someone that he doesn’t know sitting on his couch with the quilted blanket wrapped around him.

“Hi,” the guy says, he gets up from the couch. “Hayley gave me her key, um, I was supposed to be officially moved into my place but the cleaners weren’t really ready for me yet.” He voice drops and so does Dan’s heart rate back to it’s normal rhythm.

“Oh.” Dan says, taking his coat off and hanging it in their closet. He remembers seeing him at the bakery yesterday.

He knows that he should offer him something to drink, not that he hasn’t already made himself at home, but it’s the polite thing to do. Instead he just nods, opening the door to his room. The exhaustion outweighs his need to be polite.

He shrugs out of his work clothes and throws them on the ground before crawling into bed.

He listens to whatever the guy is playing from the telly. It’s Friends. It’s a nice white noise, loud enough for him to finally get some sleep.

 

*

 

When Dan wakes up from his nap he smells curry. He puts on a pair of sweats and his university hoodie and opens the door to see Friends still playing on the telly with Alex huddled next to the guy and Hayley plating the food. She looks up at Dan smiles at him. He nods to her, walking to their kitchen and grabbing a glass for water.

“It smells good.” He says with a yawn.

“I don’t know how  _good_ it’ll taste. I just did what the instructions said but I may have fucked it up.”

Dan grabs a spoon and dips into the yellow curry, blowing on it and then gulping it down. He gives her a thumbs up.

“It’s good.” He pats her back and then walks towards the two on the couch.

“What do you want to drink?” Dan decides that to make up for the lack of offering earlier he could do it now.

“Just water for me please.” The guy says with a small smile. He’s playing with Alex’s hair. It’s odd sight for Dan to see. Hayley and Alex were his only friends other than Donna, seeing them have other people in their space was odd for Dan.

“Ribena please.” Alex says, looking up at him from Phil’s lap.

“So lazy!” Hayley yells from the kitchen and it makes Dan smile.

“What do you want, Hayls?” His voice is quiet, his words getting lost in his throat.

“Whatever Alex is having.” She says with a cheeky smile.

It’s to make Dan smile, and it works. He likes complaining of how they’re annoying but it was nice seeing two people in love.

He had only ever known Hayley with Alex, and only heard stories of before Alex, but he knows that she was a good influence on her, helping her out of a hole that seemed impossible to climb out of.

“If we had more room in this flat- a bigger table would be great right about now.” Dan says in passing, walking over to the two and handing them their drinks.

“Thank you,” The guy says before adding, “Dan?” he pauses after saying his name, like he’s waiting for Dan to correct him.

“You’re um,” Dan looks to Alex who seems to be watching them like a tennis match.

“Phil.”

It’s awkward because Dan makes it awkward without meaning to. He nods, smiling just a little before turning around. This was the problem when he only talked to a few people, it’s like he forgot how to make a conversation with anyone else.

There’s a loud boom outside, a crack of thunder that shakes the flat. Dan tenses up for a second, his eyes looking towards the window for a lightning strike.

“You okay?” Hayley asks quietly.

Dan takes a minute looking out the window, remembering whenever they used to holiday here and there’d be a summer storm, he’d spend hours watching from the big window. It always made the jurassic coast line look scary but beautiful. Untouchable, in a way. Something Dan wished he could be right now. There’s another crack of thunder and his heart is beating fast again but looking right outside at it doesn’t make it seem so scary anymore. He feels the wind chill against his face and he backs away, nodding his head.

“I’m good.” He says.

He thinks it’s not as scary because it’s nature, despite nature often destroying things it can’t help it. It doesn’t have any ulterior motives.

The volume of the telly goes up, Dan is robotic in the ways he hands both Phil and Alex things. He tries not to think of how everyone may be looking at him even if they’re not.

He thanks Hayley for dinner sitting on the floor using their coffee table for support.

Hayley and Alex talk about Phil renting one of the homes on the cliffs. Dan tries not to overhear the conversation too much but it interests him.

“Dan was going to do that, yeah?” Alex says, trying to include Dan in the conversation anyway.

Dan nods, “Too expensive for me though.”

Phil agrees, “You’re not wrong.”

Dan shifts the food around with his fork looking back up at Phil. “You’ll have an incredible view though. Nice walking paths.”

Hayley and Alex agree to that, sharing a story of when they first started dating Hayley rented out one of the holiday homes for a night. Dan wasn’t here then. West Bay hadn’t even been a thought to him. He hates that his brain has only before the incident and after the incident. Maybe because it’s so fresh, and if he were brave enough he’d ask his therapist, but he’s not ready for that kind of vulnerability yet.

“Do you want us to help you move in tomorrow?” Hayley is scraping off the last bit of rice and curry and Dan looks down at his food realising he’s not even halfway done.

“If you want. I don’t want to impose—”

Alex shakes her head, wiggling her fork in his face and it makes Dan snort.

“You’re not. We’ll be there.”

Dan just politely nods his head, feeling like he doesn’t belong despite them trying to include Dan in their conversations and asking for his opinion. It’s not their fault, he just doesn’t have much to say. They were all very different people, Dan didn’t know anything about Phil and he could tell that they were different, and that was fine, it was just Dan hadn’t been good at making friends in the first place. He just felt like his interests were too boring or not cool enough for anyone else.

 

*

 

Dan gets started on the dishes, enjoying the background noise of the heavy rainfall and Friends. He doesn’t know what they’re saying, he’s just content in a full house. He scrubs each plate twice placing it on the rack to dry before sitting at one of the small tables by the window. He sees headlights of cars every now and then and his thoughts will get interrupted by a loud laugh from Alex.

It was a good day today. He had a rough morning but it was a good day today.

He gets up from the chair and quietly walks to his room and closes the door grabbing the journal from his bedside table writing down the date and time. He writes down, ‘ _Good day_.’ If that’s all he can offer his therapist when he sees her next then maybe that’s good enough. It’s progress.

His phone buzzes. It’s a text from Hayley.

 

_Come watch with us._

 

Dan reads the message and gulps. He gets up from his bed and walks back out. Alex is up from the couch looking for a movie for them to watch.

He sits on the reclining chair, curling his legs up and reaching out for one of the free blankets. Hayley is on one side of the couch, Phil is in the middle between the two. He has to smile briefly at the thought of Hayley and Alex being the mothers to so many lost people that find their way into their flat. Dan never paid much attention other than a hello.

“What are you looking for?” Dan asks, his voice cracks. He shakes his head, closing his eyes briefly.

“I don’t know yet—what sounds good?” She looks back at all of them.

Dan gets up from the recliner and searches through their abundance of movie titles. He picks Captain America: The First Avenger and it makes Hayley snort.

“What?” Dan says turning around to look at her.

“Oh, nothing. Phil likes Chris Evans.”

Phil is shaking his head vigorously trying to hide his smile in his hands. Dan takes that bit of information and it stores it away to think about later.

“I mean, objectively he’s not  _bad_ to look at.” Dan says with his own small smile, sitting back in the recliner and pulling the blanket closer.

“Because the weather is shit, Phil is staying over if that’s okay with you?” Hayley says, looking up from their big cuddle pile.

Dan shrugs in response, “Yeah, alright.”

About halfway into Captain America Dan finds himself having a difficult time staying awake. He rubs his eyeballs and sees that the girls have fallen asleep on Phil who’s still watching the movie. Dan feels too awkward to just slip back to his room. So he gets more comfortable in the recliner.

It’s not even that late. Dan bites on his bottom lip, looking over to Phil.

“Do you like popcorn?” He asks, his voice is low.

Phil perks his head up a bit and looks to Dan. His hair is a bit disheveled from the moving around and awkward laying positions but he nods with a smile.

“I love popcorn more than I love most things.”

Dan nods. “Good answer. I’ll make some.” He gets up from the chair and his joints crack. He straightens out his spine and shuffles to their kitchen looking in the cupboards for their packets of popcorn.

They have a lot of popcorn because of the amount of hosting Hayley does, food has a special place in this house. Dan has never had this much home cooked meals since he started university and it’s a bit bittersweet in a way. All the university experiences he dreamed of are happening outside of his actual university. He doesn’t know what to think of that.

He gets two big bowls out for the each of them. He pokes his head to check in that Phil hasn’t fallen asleep too. He’s on his phone it looks like.

Dan grabs the popcorn out of the microwave before the beeping stops out of habit of trying to be quiet and not make a sound. He pours an equal amount in each bowl and salts it lightly heading back to the living room. He hands Phil the bowl.

“Thank you,” Phil says, putting his phone to the side and sticking his hand in the bowl to grab a handful.

Dan didn’t like really eating in front of people he didn’t know. Maybe it had to do with some level of vulnerability but so far Phil wasn’t bad and he didn’t seem to really pay much attention to Dan’s existence unless he asked for it.

Dan’s almost done with his popcorn when Hayley wakes up, she’s looking around the room disoriented before sitting up and freeing Phil from the position he was in.

“Sorry.” She says with a yawn.

The movie is almost over, she gets up from the couch and taps Alex awake.

“Let’s go to bed.”

Alex takes a minute to wake up and Hayley grabs a pillow from her room to give to Phil.

Dan reaches out to get the popcorn bowl from Phil. He’ll wash these bowls tomorrow.

When he reaches the door to his room, he looks back at Phil making his bed for the night.

“Goodnight Phil.”

 

*

 

In this dream, Dan stands on a hill covered with ash. Below him it’s still burning, burning,  _burning_. In this dream he’s an only survivor. He has something in his hands, a tool of some sort but he can’t remember what he needed it for other than it was a source of protection. He walks a little, each step moves ash around him, making it hard to see. This is a dream, but it’s memories of people that have existed.

In the distance there stands someone else, they’re looking down and it’s getting hard for Dan to breathe the closer he tries to get to them, whoever it is.

The fact that it’s another person is enough motivation to keep going despite him wanting to die because of how his skin is burning.

“Hello?” He calls out.

The figure lifts up their face.

It’s Jacob.

Dan tries to run to him now, and the ground beneath them begins to shake and the ash swirls up like a tornado and every time he gets closer Jacob just gets farther and farther away from him.

“Come to me!” Dan yells across the distance but he doesn’t know if Jacob can hear him.

Jacob looks and sees Dan and he tries to run to him but the closer he gets to Dan the more he starts to disappear.

Dan reaches out to grab him but he’s gone.

 

*

 

Dan doesn’t bolt awake, instead he turns on his side looking at his wall, pressing a hand against it feeling the cold beneath his palm. It’s a reminder that it was a dream and that his lungs are not on fire, and the ash tornado isn’t real, and that Jacob is still dead.

He gets up from bed, walking over to his window and opening it to let a little bit of cool air in. He hears the soft sound of rain outside, swearing that if it rains anymore Bridport will be flooded out.

When Dan gets back in bed he pulls the duvet up to his chin and stares at the ceiling. He tries not to over-analyze his dreams but it’s hard not to if it ends like that. Maybe one day he’ll dream that he catches Jacob. Maybe he’ll dream that one day he’ll end up saving him.

It’s the kind of pain that comes with early mornings, it’s a heavy feeling weighing on his chest and taking up space in his lungs. He doesn’t deserve to feel this way but he does. He feels a single tear stinging his eyes knowing the harsh reality of life.

Jacob is gone in his dreams and gone in his real life.

Dan stays like that until the morning birds start to chirp. He hasn’t had a restful night sleep for a while and he’s honestly not sure if he ever will.

So, he gets ready for the day, tugging on jeans that are starting to sag because he hasn’t done laundry and a black long sleeve. He has another pair of shoes that are not ( _still_ ) wet that he can wear later but they’re white and with how shit the weather’s been lately he knows he’s going to smudge them up but he’s past the point of caring about much.

He walks out of his room and he smells coffee and hears cereal hit the bowl. Dan grunts a good morning to Hayley and Alex who aren’t looking their best this morning. He can tell with how Hayley carries herself.

 _It’s the weather_ , he thinks, fucking with all of their emotions and making everything so much worse.

“I go in during the afternoon and clean up afterwards,” Dan says with a sigh, reaching up for a mug. He rests his head against the cupboard when it’s closed feeling every single ache in his body either grief driven or not. It just aches all the time.

“I go in that night to prep for the next morning.” Hayley says taking a generous sip of her coffee. Alex hangs on her shoulders pressing small kisses on one of the many detailed flower tattoos.

Dan looks to Phil sitting on their couch on his phone.

“So after your shift we’ll help Phil move in and set everything up.” Alex is back at their small table eating her bowl of shreddies.

“You’ll pick me up, yeah?” Dan hopes so, they never really use Hayley’s car but Dan’s not going to want to walk back to the flat after work given how shit he feels this morning.

“No I’m going to leave you to suffer.” Hayley sticks her tongue out at him and he does it back.

It’s Hayley’s first smile of the day, Dan feels like he accomplished something.

Phil joins them in the kitchen with his phone still in his hand, he looks tired and maybe a little bit angry. Dan grabs a mug from the cupboard and offers it to him. He smiles briefly with a quiet,  _thank you._

Hayley reaches out to pat his shoulder. It looks like it was a rough morning for all of them.

“Do you want cereal?” Dan reaches out to grab a bowl and Phil looks at it for a moment, maybe deciding whether or not he should eat. Looks like the wanting to eat outweighs the anger he looked like he was previously feeling. He grabs it from him.

Hayley gets the milk out of the fridge and places it next to him on the counter.

“There’s too many people in our tiny kitchen, I’m going to get ready.” Hayley drinks the last of her coffee and places it in the sink shuffling out of the kitchen as fast as she could.

He winces when he hears the door slam.

Alex sighs.

Dan sits across from Alex and he looks at her with as much empathy that he can muster for such a gloomy day and reaches out to place his hand on top of hers; it’s not much but it’s the only form of comfort that he can give her. She leans her head against the cool of the window, her spoon twirling around in her bowl. There’s only pieces of shreddies left, and Hayley was the one that liked to drink the rest of the milk from her bowl.

Dan didn’t know what it was like loving someone who lost someone as Hayley lost Olivia. He couldn’t understand the depth of loss and pain that she went through. He could sympathise with Alex though, the girl that came After Olivia. It seemed that everyone in their tiny groups had Befores and Afters of the people that they’ve lost. A timeline of where things were good and then a mark of where it all went wrong. Dan was somewhere in the middle of his After but he felt stuck. Like he didn’t deserve to be there at all.

“She dreamed about her last night.” Alex says in a small whisper.

Dan can hear Phil place the empty cereal in the sink. He briefly looks towards him and he seems lost in thought.

“She hasn’t had a nightmare in a long time.” Alex does that thing where she looks up, as if looking up will keep herself from crying.

“And I don’t know what to say or what to do, because I want to take the pain away from her. I want it to not have happened but if I do that then—”

_Then._

Then Alex wouldn’t exist.

Dan probably wouldn’t be here in this flat either.

It’s cruel and unfair.

Dan feels a lump in his throat thinking of what would be different.

“Olivia’s birthday is coming up.” Phil says quietly, walking closer to them at the small table in the kitchen.

Alex nods, wiping away her tears with her sleeve.

It clicks for Dan. Phil knew Olivia too.

Dan bites his bottom lip and he takes a deep breath, wanting to shrink into the floorboards.

“I’m sorry.” He says to Alex, offering another gentle squeeze.

He wants to tell her that despite everything, he’s glad that she’s here. Except the words get caught in his throat like most things do when related to death. He could barely process his own experience with death; he stopped going to group therapy, and  _barely_ talked to his own therapist. He wasn’t equipped to telling her anything that could help. He couldn’t even help himself.

“It’s okay.” Alex says, turning to face the window. Outside it starts to rain again, a child laughs jumping over a puddle and a mother moves out of the way in fear of getting wet, but she reaches out for her daughter’s hand again. “It is what it is.”

 

*

 

When Alex leaves back to her flat to get ready for work it’s just Dan and Phil putting the living room back to its natural state, which to be honest, isn’t much different than before Phil slept over. Phil folds the blankets and places them on the coffee table and Dan places the cushions back on their respective sides of the small couch. He grabs the glass of water that was left on the table to the kitchen cleaning it off and leaving it on the drying rack. He’s got time before work but he doesn’t know what to do with all his pent up energy.

Dan knocks on Hayley’s door and when she doesn’t answer so he cracks open the door just to see if she’s okay. She fell back asleep. Her phone is lying on the floor and she’s holding herself. Dan quietly walks in and grabs her phone putting it back on the charger and grabbing one of her quilts and placing it over her. Dan couldn’t do much, but he could make sure that she was warm.

When Dan walks back out Phil is getting ready to go.

Dan didn’t know what to say. He felt like their moment last night might be the only moment they have together, but that might be a good thing. Dan didn’t need more people in his life with the expiration date hanging over his head.

“Thanks for letting me stay.” Phil says, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Uh, yeah, no problem.” Dan says with a nod. His smile is small and awkward, but he was awkward guy that was capable of pushing a conversation if he had to, he just didn’t feel the need to.

Phil looks at him for a moment, there’s a small curve of his lips but it quickly fades.

Phil opens the door and looks back for a second, “Bye Dan.”

Dan holds onto the door when he leaves and slowly starts to close it.

“Bye Phil.”

And then he’s gone.

 

*

 

Dan sits on the couch watching the telly mindlessly. He had plans to go on a walk but by the time he had gotten ready to go out it was like all the energy just sucked right out of him, making it impossible for him to even think about going for a walk. Maybe it was the dreary day, but they already had so many of them. This day in particular was hard for him to function.

He switched the channels and looked at the clock on his phone. He could call his mum or his grandma. He could try and catch them up on his not so glamorous life by the sea. He didn’t do a whole lot. He baked things, he cleaned up the things that he baked in, he prepped, and then he came home. It was a repeat. Monotonous.

Dan wasn’t ready to have the conversations that his mum tried to have about school. He didn’t want to have to hear about the improvements she made on the house or how Adrian was doing. He didn’t want to know and he wished that he knew why. It was just too hard right now. It was like if he isolated himself from them then it wouldn’t hurt as much. He could save them from the disappointment that they must already feel.

There’s a thump noise coming from Hayley’s room and he sees her walking out with her hair a bit of a mess. She looks out of it, but she sees Dan on the couch and looks around the room for more people but there’s no one there but him.

Dan smiles briefly at her, his eyes flicking back to the screen.

She walks over to him, sitting down on the couch before she leans against him. Dan had never had been affectionate before meeting Hayley and Alex; while he had a girlfriend before  _this_ was different. This was grounding. He knew that this wasn’t for him, it was for her.

She didn’t say anything, she just silently cried, wiping her face with her sleeves. They weren’t like this in the beginning. They had kept their distance, going to group therapy together, Hayley talking briefly about Olivia but never giving too many details of what happened. Dan never talked. They’d go home together and she’d always ask how he was feeling but he always shrugged it off.

By the time Hayley got more comfortable with her feelings Dan had already sworn off group therapy. He was just glad that it worked for her.

After a while, Hayley stopped asking for him to join her. Maybe she knew he was a lost cause too, forever trapped with this feeling, this  _grief_.

(He knew that he didn’t deserve to feel this way. That’s what made it so hard.)

“Is she mad at me?” Hayley whispers after a while.

Dan takes a deep breath and then shakes his head.

“She’s not mad at you. I don’t think she ever could be. I just don’t think she knows what to do exactly.”

“Yeah.” She says with a small voice. It’s not defeat. It’s just pure exhaustion.

Dan was always told that this pain would be useful.

He just thinks that whoever told him that is an asshole.

 

*

 

Dan gets into work earlier than he planned. There was only so much couch sitting that he could do. It was an easy walk to the bakery, most of the time he listened to his music while his feet carried him and he was there in no time. He said hello to the few people that were working and headed to the back to get prepped to start his shift.

“How’s it going?” He asks one of his coworkers, he can’t remember most names but he’s pretty sure her name is Soph.

“It’s alright. Busier than usual I’d say.” She’s leaning against the counter now, smiling at people who look through the glass window.

From what Dan can see they’ve got most of their stuff gone which is always a good sign. Donna tends to donate the remaining things to shelters nearby but it’s never really enough. He admires that she does no matter how small the amount.

When someone walks through the door the bell jingles and he smiles welcoming them in. It’s not someone he recognizes, but he was getting better at remembering regulars.

“We’re out of town,” they say, looking at the small selection.

It’s easy to feel cramped in the bakery, there’s not much leg room, barely enough room to fit small tables but there was plenty of outside seating considering they were surrounded by other food shops.

Dan sells them a scone and an old fashioned donut for the road.

Business slows down after that as the late afternoon wears on.

It’s the small moments in between helping customers and cleaning up the small messes that they make where Dan actually feels normal. Like he’s somehow adjusting to being a functional human being again.

Then it hits him between Donna coming in, hugging every employer and asking them how they’ve been doing that he realises that he’s just another person who went through something traumatic and is still recovering from it, because it’s easy to get lost in a routine until reality comes back to snap him out of it.

“How are you, Daniel?” She asks with a tired smile, ruffling his hair.

Dan shrugs. “I’m fine, yeah.”

He helps load up the leftover pastries into small boxes and gets to work on cleaning the counters. Soph sweeps and Dan bags the trash upfront and takes it to the back.

He locks up the front door and leaves the one light on before heading in the back and getting to work on cleaning the rest of the dishes and leaving an encouraging message for Hayley later tonight.

Soph and Donna leave together and it’s just Dan with his thoughts. He grabs the speakers and sets them up to play his music. For someone who wished for peace and quiet in his mind he couldn’t live in the silence.

He takes the remaining trays from the front to wash off, the cycle continues as it always does, but this time with music.

 

*

 

By the time Dan finishes and locks the rest of the bakery up it’s dark out and most of the other shops are closing too. He says bye to the few leaving for the night as he walks down to the pickup location that Hayley sent him via text.

He’s standing there with his phone in his hand hovering over the call button when he hears a honk coming from Hayley’s tiny car. Alex is smiling from the front seat and he waves a hand to her opening the backdoor and squishing in placing his backpack next to him.

 _They’re holding hands_ , Dan thinks, watching the way Alex’s thumb caresses against her skin. Every so often she’ll bring her hand up to her lips. Dan feels like he needs to look away, like he shouldn’t be here watching it. There isn’t enough space in his brain to think about a relationship with anyone but watching them reminds him of how good it feels to have someone.

He thinks that whatever they have is rare. It must be if it came from a place of tragedy, it brought out the best in them. He gulps now, looking down at his own hands which are cold and slightly shaking. He can’t help but think of Jacob’s girlfriend, wondering if there’s someone there to hold her hand. Not every story gets a happy ending but he wanted that for her.

He looks out the window now, letting the thought live in the corner of his brain, and it reaches down to his heart giving it a light, but gentle squeeze. _It hurts_. They pass by St. Mary’s Church and Dan can barely make out the tombstones. Maybe that’s a good thing.

“How was it?” Alex finally asks, turning her head to look back at him.

Dan shrugs. “It was fine.”

He doesn’t say anything more after that. When he first came here with his grandmother she had given him a tour around West Bay in her tiny car as if they hadn’t used to come here every summer. It wasn’t her fault that they stopped coming, people grew out of things and they grew out of West Bay until now. He didn’t know if it was full circle, didn’t know if there was a certain comfort here, he just knew that it was far away enough.

The road is familiar now, when they did come here they used to stay in a caravan, but when Dan was seventeen his grandma sold it to someone. He wished she kept it. He always had fond memories there. It wasn’t even anything extraordinary, some nights it was playing Snap with his grandfather with a bonfire outside and the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks. It was a simplicity that Dan missed.

They turn left at an intersection and Dan knows they’re getting closer. It’s down a short road that they reach the homes and there’s lights from each home, some decorative already getting ready for the next holiday, but mostly it’s a lot of older people with warm welcoming signs on their front doors.

Dan runs a hand through his hair feeling curls near the back of his neck from sweating in the bakery earlier. He takes a deep breath when Hayley parks outside of Phil’s home. When they all get out Alex attaches herself to Hayley and normally he’d roll his eyes and call them out on it but earlier had been rough.

They walk up the few steps of stairs and Hayley knocks on the door.

A porch light turns on.

“Hi,” Phil says, opening the door, he looks at Dan first.

Dan gulps, opening his mouth to say hello but instead gets cut off from Alex, “Hey there. Put us to work.”

Phil’s home feels empty but there’s a plethora of boxes scattered everywhere. Dan sets his backpack by the front door and they all take their shoes off and look around the room. Dan stands in the living room area, it’s got a big window overlooking the tiny porch outside and he can see Hayley’s car. When he turns around there’s a short hallway that leads to what he guesses is the bedroom and the bathroom. It’s a decent sized home, definitely not something he could afford, but it’s nice. Long-term.

Dan shoves his hands in his pockets and waits for instructions.

“So, they cleaned everything yesterday, I mean it wasn’t that bad to begin with, just a lot of dust but I was sneezing up a storm trying to do it myself.”

Hayley takes a deep breath and then smiles at Phil, “Alright, well, let’s just sort through boxes. We can start with kitchen stuff first and go from there.”

Phil opens his mouth like he wants to say something but then he closes it. He looks a little uncomfortable.

“I wasn’t left with much of that stuff.” He admits, his eyes flicker to Dan’s for a second.

“Oh.” Hayley says, her voice drops slightly before she pushes whatever thought away. “Okay, well, let’s just work with what we have and we can take a day trip to Ikea.”

“Yeah,” Alex agrees, “It’ll be fun.”

Dan feels like he’s out of the loop but he doesn’t say anything as he plops himself on the ground to open up boxes.

“I bought a wardrobe a long time ago and never got to assemble it at the other place so I just… brought it here.” Phil looks over to the other side of the living room.

“Dan knows more about assembling things than us. When I moved into the flat I had to get Donna to help me.”

Dan stares up at Phil and nods. “I can give it my best shot.”

Phil grins down at him with a nod.

He drops down to the floor, pulling over more boxes so they could sort through them and put them in piles of where they’ll go in each tiny space that he has in this house. Phil has to get more storage spaces for everything, saying that he didn’t plan this through very well.

It makes Dan wonder what he’s running from or maybe what he’s trying to run to.

They work quietly across from each other on the floor, Dan picking up random trinkets that look like they belong in a grandmother’s house, but he doesn’t say anything. Actually, Dan thinks, it adds more to who Phil is in his head. It makes him seem more human. Dan was a bit intimidated by him at first, but you can tell a lot from a human by the things that they keep.

It’s not _a lot_ of stuff, but it’s enough to maybe make this house into a home. Then again, Dan wouldn’t know much about that.

When he moved into the flat with Hayley it had already been lived in with posters hanging up from a time past, there was already a rack of DVDs- just one day Dan had went and organized them. If you were to look in Dan’s room you wouldn’t see a whole lot, it was just plain walls and a small window to look out of with clothes spread across the room and a box that he hadn’t unpacked because it was mostly university books and things from his dorm.

Hayley and Alex had once asked to renovate the room, make it look like something other than the depressing space that it was but Dan shook his head with a small smile saying, ‘ _thanks but no thanks_ ,’ thinking of how it would soon be someone else’s room. Maybe, when Dan finally figured himself out and moved on, it would be the office that Hayley always wanted, or a small space for Alex when she wanted to be there but not exactly in the same room as Hayley.

Dan gulps now, thinking about it. He looks up at Phil who’s reading one of his notebooks he found from a box that was labelled  **SCHOOL STUFF.**

“We need music,” He says quietly, getting up from his spot to his backpack grabbing the tiny speaker out and plugging it into the wall and setting it up with his phone. He clicks one of the playlist that he’s saved for when he’s at the bakery and needs to be pumped up a bit.

He gets back to work, the music turning into white noise like it usually does, every now and then a phrase will jump at him and he’ll nod his head to the music.

“Is this Muse?” Phil asks, he’s got a small smile on his face and Dan nods.

“Yeah, I only added like two songs off their new album 2nd Law.” Dan makes a face, tossing the thought away.

Phil snorts. “Yeah it was… alright.”

Dan is reaching for a textbook, fingers tracing over the binding before stacking it with the rest of the books. “I didn’t really like the new album,” he says, almost whispering it, like Matt Bellamy himself will hear him.

“I think I liked—only a few songs off the album? Which makes me sad because they’re one of my favourite bands.” Phil says while grabbing the books that Dan has stacked.

Phil stares down at them like he’s remembering something, and then he gets up to place them on the tiny bookshelf that came with the place. He’d need to buy another one considering how many books he’s got.

“Me too.” Dan says, his voice cracks and he clears his throat. “I mean, I really got into them maybe 2006 with Black Holes and Revelations. I really love Origins of Symmetry and prefer that over Black Holes and Revelations, I think there’s…  _a lot_ better songs, but—” Dan stops talking now, looking up at Phil who seems to be giving him his full attention.

It feels almost like when his therapist looks at him, she’s paid to do it, but he feels like he’s under a microscope, and everyone who’s watching him is just ready for him to break. But Phil isn’t his therapist, he’s just some guy who’s cute and also likes Muse too.

He feels heat on his neck, traveling up to his cheeks, Dan messes with his hair just to give his hands something to do before pressing it against the side of his neck.

“Anyway, I’ll shut up.” He offers with a shrug, he stares back down at the boxes and takes some of the folders out now.

“If you say so.” Phil says not pressing it, but adds, “I don’t mind.”

As he says it  _New Born_ starts to play and Dan looks at Phil and they laugh quietly.

They go back to their comfortable silence. Dan finishes one box and moves on to the next box. Hayley and Alex giggle from the kitchen before they move on to Phil’s bedroom.

 

*

 

“I ordered pizza,” Hayley says walking into the living room and plopping down on the floor next to Phil. She leans against him, and he leans against her with a small smile. Alex sits down next to Hayley and rests against her and Dan has to smile at their lean pile.

There’s a lot of love here. A lot of love and a lot of understanding.

“What have you two been doing?” Hayley asks, grabbing one of the boxes that they haven’t gone through yet. There’s no label on it. She rips open the tape and looks into and smiles briefly.

“All of your board games, I see.” She says with a small voice pulling them out.

“I remember when we tried to make a drinking game out of monopoly.” Hayley’s smile is small, and Dan gets that this was Before.

“Yeah, that didn’t bode well.” Phil grabs the board games and looks around the room before huffing.

“I desperately need to buy more shelving.”

So, they pile them against an empty wall.

(For now.)

When the pizza arrives they sit on the floor again listening to Dan’s playlists talking about what it was like to study at York but leaving Olivia out of it. Alex has a hand on Hayley’s knee. It’s a simple gesture to let her know that she’s there.

All Dan could think about was the email he had gotten days after the incident.

 

_Please wear all black to show your support for Jacob Harris._

 

(Dan hadn’t washed his clothes since the night it happened. He didn’t show up when he was supposed to.)

Dan stares down at the pizza now that’s been half eaten, blinking the thought away before smiling up at the rest of them. He didn’t want to talk or think about school. He thinks that Hayley understood that because she quickly changed the subject bringing up the bakery and some of the oddest requests they’ve ever been asked to make.

“We once were asked to make poop shaped cupcakes for a baby shower,” Dan adds to the conversation, dipping his pizza into the ranch.

Phil raises an eyebrow at that. “Poop? How does one make a poop shaped cupcake?” He covers his mouth with his hands because he’s laughing so hard. It’s contagious because Dan laughs thinking about it.

“I know right?” Dan says shaking his head.

“I think the woman also had like little baby toppers to put on top too.” Hayley adds, grabbing her phone to see if she had pictures from it.

 

*

 

When the pizza is finished Hayley takes it with the rest of the trash that they’ve been slowly accumulating throughout the night and throws it into the bin outside. Dan goes back to sorting through boxes, every once in a while asking Phil where he would like him to put things. It’s fine for a while, he likes being a part of something.

“We set your bedroom up as best as we could,” Alex says walking down the hall with Hayley in tow.

“I need to get a nap in before I go to work,” Hayley says with a yawn.

Dan looks at his phone and it’s almost ten o’clock, and then he remembered. She was going in at two in the morning for prep. He gets up from the ground, looking down at all the boxes he hadn’t finished yet.

“I could drop Hayley off and come back and pick Dan up if there’s stuff that still needs to be done?” Alex says, threading her fingers through Hayley’s.

Dan looks to Phil now and shrugs his shoulders.

“Yeah, I don’t mind.” Dan smiles.

Alex doesn’t give them much of an option, practically pushing Hayley out the door claiming that she’d be back in about an hour or so. Dan watches them leave out the window. He turns around to see Phil back on the floor looking at a box with a name on it.

**THEO.**

Dan had sunk to the ground, pulling the  **DVD** box closer to him.

Phil places a hand on top of the mystery  **THEO**  box before shaking his head, pushing it aside.

Dan didn’t know Phil well enough to ask him about it. Then again, he didn’t know if he’d even ask his friends. Maybe that made him a bad person, never asking the people in his life things that seemed to bother them.

“I’m starting to feel fatigue,” Phil says after a while, he’s gone to the bathroom already to take contacts out and switch them for glasses.

He’s rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hands.

Dan bites down on his bottom lip, looking around them at the messy living room which probably isn’t helping the fatigue.

“We can take a break and walk outside a bit?” Dan suggests.

Phil gets up immediately from the floor and grabs his jacket off one of the sealed boxes.

Dan zips his sweatshirt once they meet the cool air.

The porch light turned on automatically making Dan jump a little. He placed a hand on his heart and looked to Phil who seemed amused by it.

“Shit,” Dan says with a shaky laugh, walking away from it.

“Ah, yes, my favourite jumpscare: my porch light.” Phil says with a small smile.

Dan shakes his head now, looking out into the distance. There was another home across from him, and then the view of the ocean. Dan closed his eyes listening to the way the waves crashed against the rocks. It was the most peaceful sound.

“There’s a trail we could walk?” Phil suggests, pausing for a moment, he looks deep in concentration for a second. “I have torches in one of my boxes.” He holds a finger up and then scurries back inside.

Dan doesn’t know why the thought of possibly going on a late night trail walk makes him so happy—but it does. He just wished he brought a thicker jacket.

Phil comes back five minutes later with two torches and something else in his hands.

“I noticed you just had your sweatshirt I thought I’d let you borrow one of my coats.” Phil says holding it out for him.

Dan is cautious but he takes it. To his surprise, it fits almost perfectly.

“Thank you.” He says a bit awkwardly, reaching out for a torch.

There’s mud everywhere from the rain, Dan knows that his shoes will be ruined for a second time this week. He turns the torch on, it flickers before shining a pale light. Phil laughs at each of their weak torches.

“Could probably use for better batteries,” he says, but Dan doesn’t mind.

In the beginning, when the nightmares were ones that he absolutely needed to walk off, he had left the flat with nothing but his phone. It was dark, he remembers tripping over rocks trying to climb up the steep hills of the jurassic coastline. He used to stay out there for hours, waiting for the sunrise.

Dan follows closely behind Phil as they walk around the mud as best as they can up a small steep hill. It starts to blessedly flatten out. Phil stops for a moment, Dan thinks he’s looking at him but he can’t really tell.

The lights from West Bay are just a tiny glow.

“It’s a bit shit, isn’t it?” Dan says, turning off his torch and sticking it in Phil’s coat pocket.

Phil’s laugh is small, “I tried helping the situation. I just made it an inconvenience.” His voice drops at the last bit before he turns his off as well.

“At least you tried.” Dan says with a shrug.

There’s a silence between them, both listening to ocean.

“Have you ever tried getting close to the edge? I was always too afraid to.” Phil rocks on his heels, walking closer to the edge.

Dan gulps following behind him again.

“Yeah,” Dan says quietly. “Things look differently at night.”

 _Not as scary_ , he wants to add. You wouldn’t really be able to project very well where you’d land if you fell. Except that thought isn’t something he really wants to share with anyone else. He’s thought about falling of the edge a lot. It scares him too much, thinking about it more deeply than it just being a thought in passing. He shoves it away, brushing his shoulders against Phil’s.

“My little brother and I would throw rocks just to see if we could hear it hit the water,” Dan says as he closes his eyes, another wind chill kisses his face—it feels good, it grounds him.

“Did you ever hear it?”

Dan’s smile is small, “No,” it used to be disappointing, but the truth was, it’s just too far down.

“I bet we could scream and no one would hear,”

Dan snorts. “That’s deep. Is that like if a tree falls in a forest kind of thing?”

He’s afraid that he’s offended this possible new friend—he’s ready to take it back with a mumbled apology when he hears Phil laugh.

“No, I just mean—we’re far away enough, the wind is loud enough. It could be cathartic.”

“Go ahead.” Dan says, shoving him gently with his shoulder. “The coast is waiting.”

He doesn’t think he’ll actually do it, but he hears Phil sucking in air and then he yells. It surprises Dan despite the fact that he encouraged it, but the yelling stops because he’s laughing so much, covering his mouth with his hands.

Dan shakes his head at him. “Somewhere in West Bay or Eype a child has woken up scared because they heard you yelling. How are you going to live with yourself?”

“Maybe they’ll think I’m a werewolf or something. That could be exciting for them.”

Dan looks at Phil’s profile now and he can’t help but smile.

He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes and then he yells too. It’s exhilarating, doing something not publicly accepted much less so late at night, but it seems perfect—looking out at a never ending coastline.

He yells until his voice can’t handle it anymore.

He yells for all the things that he cannot say.

“How did it feel?” Phil asks.

“It felt good.”

It felt freeing.

 

*

 

They’ve figured out that they both have no idea what they’re doing. Phil says he wants to eventually move back. When Dan asks,  _move back where?_ It stumps him. He doesn’t know where. That had really stuck with Dan because he felt like he was in the same boat. He knew that he couldn’t be here forever. There were too many impending things hanging over his head but he didn’t feel comfortable anywhere. (Never mind the fact that most of the time he didn’t feel comfortable in his own skin.)

They throw rocks as far as they can go but the wind gets bad and they decide to head back down the hill to the tiny house. Phil tells him about all the adventures he and his brother, Martyn, used to go on when they would come down here for holiday.

It seems that they too, after a while, had grown out of West Bay and moved on to more exotic places. Dan jabs at Phil saying Florida isn’t that exotic. They get a good laugh out of it though.

Somewhere, in the back corner of his mind, Dan thinks of how long it’s been since he’s laughed this much within a short amount of time. It was a feeling he didn’t want to lose.

When they get back Dan wipes his muddy shoes against one of the steps going up as to not track it into the house on all the recently cleaned floors and carpet. He places his shoes by the door and plops back down but he feels the exhaustion starting to rest in his bones. He’s getting sleepy and his throat vaguely hurts.

Phil is looking at him when he looks up and Dan stares back. He doesn’t know what facial expression he’s giving him, but it must be curious because Phil looks down again with a smile.

“Sorry.” Phil says, reaching towards the  **THEO**  labelled box. The smile fades as his hands hover over the tape that’s concealing it.

“It’s just been a long time since I’ve um.” Phil stops his sentence again, shaking his head.

Dan gets it, he thinks.

“Me too.” Dan says quietly.

Phil looks up at him again, he looks sad, but Dan won’t press it.

“What other playlists do you have?” Phil asks changing the subject.

Dan grabs his phone and hands it to him.

“You can go through my playlists if you like.”

Phil timidly takes his phone, raising an eyebrow at Dan. He must know that it must be an honour to go through his phone.

Phil scrolls through his music, Dan absentmindedly is reading titles quietly out loud.

“You like Stephen King,” Dan observers holding up  _Pet Sematary_  and a rough copy of  _The Shining_.

“I do. I like a lot of graphic novels, too.” Phil nods and then he finds a song.

Dan snaps his head up when he hears the upbeat tempo.

“Bright Eyes fan?” Dan is ecstatic, shaking his head that out of all the songs to choose from it’s The Calendar Hung Itself. “This is quite angsty.”

Phil shrugs with a relaxed smile. “I liked this album.”

“Me too.” Dan smiles down at the Stephen King books.

 _When Center Of The World_  starts to play he holds his breath before Phil changes it.

“A little _too_ angsty,” Phil’s laugh is gentle. He shuffles the songs and they get back to their rhythm again.

It’s past midnight when Alex comes back.

“Sorry, I waited until Hayley fell asleep.” Alex yawns leaning against the wall.

Dan gets up from the ground and it’s only then that he notices that Phil hasn’t really made much progress with the  **THEO**  box, but he did end up folding shirts from one of his many clothing boxes.

Alex brings Phil in for a big hug. Dan puts his shoes on and grabs his speakers and puts it back in his backpack. He waves goodbye to Phil, not saying anything which he regrets when Alex starts to peel out onto the road.

Dan thinks about telling Alex that they went for a walk but for some reason he wants to keep it to himself.

It’s then that he realises that he’s still wearing Phil’s coat.

 

*

 

When they get back to the flat they’re very quiet,  tiptoeing up the stairs and very quietly closing the doors.

Dan takes Phil’s jacket off and grabs an empty hanger and places it in his closet. He’ll need to remind himself to somehow bring it back to Phil’s, but he has a feeling he’ll be seeing a lot of him.

Dan gets into bed reaching down to grab his charger.

He smells like. Well, Dan’s not sure what the scent is exactly- but he doesn’t smell like him. It’s a smell that’s comfortable, warm, something that he could get used to.

Dan looks at the last apps that were previously opened and closes them out until he reaches the last one. It was a note.

 **Phil Lester** with a number written underneath it.


	3. 002.

**00.**

 

Someone asked Dan if he saw anything happen. They’re asking a lot of people a lot of questions but Dan can’t stop staring at the pavement where Jacob’s body laid. He can’t physically look at the police officer. His fingers are digging into the palm of his hands and it hurts but its grounding. He’s still here, he’s still alive, even if he doesn’t exactly feel at one with his body.

“I didn’t know CPR.” Dan says. He knows that it’s not a question she asked. He just felt like he needed to tell her anyway.

“They didn’t know CPR. They didn’t—they just pressed down.” He wants to tell her that maybe something cracked. He doesn’t know for sure.

“That’s okay.” She says.

_ That’s okay, because he’s dead. _

“Can I leave now?” Dan asks.

He’s looking at the first responder who examined him. He’s got a sympathetic smile on his face before he eventually look away.

“Yes. Are you sure you’re alright walking back to your dorm? We can have someone escort you.” She reaches out to place a hand on his arm. It makes him jump slightly.

“Yeah.” Dan nods. “I’m fine.”

His body doesn’t feel like his body. He feels weightless in a way. Like maybe a ghost of himself or something. He doesn’t know how he walks away, each step feels like an accomplishment.

He looks back. He doesn’t know why he looks back but he does.

The news reporters are standing in front of the taped off area and he feels sick to his stomach.

Dan didn’t know Jacob that well, but he didn’t deserve to be just another news headline.

**002.**

When next week comes it starts with a therapy session. He’s gotten used to the vague hospital smell, except this morning there’s a bowl of candy with a sign that says  _ please ask a parent before you grab one.  _ Dan takes a Dib Dab and stuff it in his pocket while he waits.

 

It’s raining again, he can’t remember when it really stopped raining.

 

He’s a little jumpy this morning having woken up from a nightmare. He can’t remember all the details other than the fact that he was running from something and it had caught him. Then he woke up.

When his name gets called he gets up slowly. His therapist gives him a polite smile. She’s holding a mug in her hands that has lipstick around the the entire rim.

When he sits down he looks out the window for the Hello Kitty umbrella.

“How are you doing Daniel?” She asks sitting down on her chair across from him.

He feels exposed so he reaches out to grab the throw pillow.

“You like holding something.” She observes.

It’s true—Dan felt more secure when he could hold something in his hands, it felt like it was too much with his fingers in his lap, like she could see the way that he shakes sometimes.

“Yeah.” He says with a slight nod. He tries to look her in the eyes, but Dan has never been good when people give him his full attention. He doesn’t know why that is.

Maybe because the first few years of university he did so well just blending into the background until all of that started to unravel near his school existential crisis and then. Well. Then the incident happened.

“I’m doing okay.” He says playing with a loose string from the pillow. He twirls it around his fingers, tightening it and then repeating the process.

“Hey Dan, I was just wondering, what was your life like in Manchester?” She poses the question as if she’s asking what’s his favourite food.

Dan feels stumped by the question.

“It wasn’t really anything.” He says with a shrug.

He went to Manchester because they offered him an unconditional. He went to Manchester because it was far away enough from home. It was where his parents and relatives were not. He wonders when the distance started and how far away he is now from everyone.

Manchester didn’t hold any special memories other than a few concerts that he went to with his friends, he didn’t explore the city like he should have. He couldn’t tell you the cool restaurants or coffee shops to visit. He just knew the closest Tescos and how to get to the train station and what’s the easiest way to get back to his dorm to avoid the influx of people during rush hour.

Manchester now was a reminder of things that he couldn’t change and feelings and people that he couldn’t let go of.

“Did you have friends at uni?” She’s got the polite smile back now. It’s like she’s easing him into the harder questions and he appreciates her trying still with him even after a few sessions of nothing but hard stares.

“I did.” He says with a nod. He clutches the pillow tighter, holding it closer to his chest. She notices it because she notices everything. She probably has documented all the times he’s looked out the window today and every other time he comes in.

“What were they like?”

He thinks back to the picture that he took off his computer background.

“They were fine. Just people in my class.” They had all tried getting the same classes together because they worked well as a group. Jacob had been part of that but by accident.

“Did you do a lot of fun things together?” She says, encouraging him to keep talking instead of shriveling up in himself like he usually does.

“We went to a lot of gay clubs.” He doesn’t know if that’s too much. Maybe more telling about him than anything even if he never alluded to it. He curls his fingers, nails scraping against his palm.

She smiles again, writing something down in her book. She looks back at Dan like she wants to try again. She wants to try and get to the bottom of what was actually wrong instead of dancing around it—but it was a game that Dan was good at playing. He admired her for trying to find new tactics. He just didn’t feel ready. He didn’t know when he would be or if he just needed to get over whatever blocked it.

Maybe, Dan thinks, he was just tired of feeling. He was tired of feeling it, because he felt it throughout his entire body, this grief.

“Did they know Jacob too?”

Hearing his name said out loud makes him feel a chill. He doesn’t know if he visibly reacts to it. He learned a long time ago how to conceal his emotions but he slipped sometimes, especially if he wasn’t ready for it.

“They did.” He says with a small nod.

He thinks that maybe she’ll say  _ well that’s really sad, I’m sorry for all of you.  _ And maybe she’ll add _ , you know it wasn’t your fault, right? _

Instead, she surprises him by saying, “Okay.” with her polite smile that Dan has gotten used to.

She takes another sip of her tea leaving another lipstick mark on the rim.

 

*

 

When Dan gets out of therapy he sits down on one of the benches outside. It’s starting to drizzle, he’s glad he’s remembered to bring his jacket.

He gets his phone out and he hovers over Phil’s contact. He’s been doing that a lot lately since he got his number. He wanted to reach out that night but felt it would be too weird, and then work happened and the overpowering feeling of being alive got in the way of him interacting with anyone.

But.

He liked feeling like he had another friend other than Hayley and Alex. While he loved being with them he sometimes needed to be away from them.

He taps on the contact and types a message out.

 

_ hi it’s dan  
_ _ sorry i didn’t text earlier i’m a complete twat like that _

 

He sends it and leaves his phone back on his lap.

The doors open and he looks to see who’s coming out of the building.

It’s her.

The little girl is wearing pink wellies and has a pink raincoat on, she’s walking hand in hand with her mother. The mother says something about getting their umbrella out. When the familiar Hello Kitty umbrella gets pulled out Dan smiles.

“I like your umbrella,” he calls out.

The mother and daughter look behind them at Dan. They both smile, the girls smile a little bit wider. “Thank you! It’s pink!” she screeches.

“A wonderful colour.” He agrees, despite his all black attire.

The mother waves goodbye to him, like they’ve known each other this whole time, like they’ll see each other next week.

A few minutes later Phil texts back.

 

_ You’re fine! I figured you were busy :]  
_ _ What are you up to? _

 

Dan smiles down at the message, fingers hovering over the keyboard.

 

__ i’m outside my therapy building thinking of walking down to the ocean  
_ but the problem is, it’s drizzling and i don’t feel like going back to the flat  
_ __ i’m in a real dilemma lmao

 

Dan gets up and pulls the hood over and starts the walk to the beach. It’s down an uneven path and then he’s on the main road and he turns right. He walks passed school signs and down a narrow road. It’s not that far of a walk, it’s quite nice actually. He’s done the most exercise here than anywhere else. He doesn’t really know what to think of that.

His phone buzzes in his pocket but it’s not a text message from Phil. It’s from his mum. He bites his bottom lip, opening the message.

 

_ Daniel if you don’t make time to call me you’re in big trouble. _

 

She has a point—Dan can’t remember the last time he talked to his mum.

 

_ i promise to call you later x _

 

It’s a measly reply that deserves more but he can’t give her more.

He’s reached the opening to the carpark, there’s only a few cars here, he looks over to the building with the very few shops before making his way across the lot to the ocean.

His phone buzzes again.

 

__ If you wanted to hang out just say so!  
_ Sorry I am kidding but also not?  
_ __ I’m free if you want to come over if that’s not too weird for you

 

Dan actually snorts.

 

__ it’s not weird at all.  
_ i’ll come over  
_ __ give me a half hour.

 

*

 

Dan thinks about texting Hayley that he’s going over to Phil’s but something stops him when he looks at her contact. He doesn’t know why he wanted to keep this for him, but he does. Maybe because he’s afraid of the conversation that it would lead to. He’s not exactly sure how it would go down but he wants to avoid it.

He takes the bus as close as he can get and then he walks. He’s finding that’s the easiest way to get someplace is to walk. Everything looked far from each other but with enough patience you’d get there in no time, he was starting to realise. The view wasn’t bad to look at and it gave him the time he needed to be alone and to think.  _ Even if he thought about everything a little too much. _

Dan walks down the row of houses and he looks at the view, it’s a nice view even if all the houses are kind of bunched together. Most of them are vacation homes that have been abandoned during a good portion of the year but he hears a dog barking in a house close to him. The drizzling has stopped and the weather is just a forever gloom. Summer was over and Dan just had to deal with it.

He knocks on Phil’s door twice and waits, wiping his feet on the mat knowing that there was remaining mud from earlier. When Phil opens the door he’s got his glasses on and he’s wearing a green hoodie. Dan recognises it. It’s a York university hoodie.

Dan smiles stepping in and taking his shoes off and leaving them by the door. He smells something sweet like wood and vanilla. It’s overpowering and then he sees a candle sitting on the kitchen counter.

“That smells good.” Dan says with a nod towards the candle.

Phil’s face lights up. “It’s called Homesick which is kind of funny.” he says with a small laugh. “I went into town today and found it at one of those many shops by the bakery. I guess I was just looking for things to make this space homey.” Phil sits down on the floor, it looks like he was rifling through more boxes but it seemed like he was almost done.

Dan sits down across from him and he grabs his speakers out of his backpack always forgetting to take it out when he got home but he was grateful for forgetting this time.

Phil smiles when he sees the speakers.

“Sometimes I listen to ocean sounds despite the fact that I live literally a mile away from it.” Dan scootches closer to Phil and he looks inside the box.

Phil gulps his fingers twitching to the box before pulling back.

Dan sees that it’s the mysterious  **THEO** box that Phil actively avoided the other night. Dan wonders if it’s someone that he was related to or someone that died. There’s a certain face people wear when it comes to loss.

Dan opens his mouth like he wants to ask but he doesn’t. He knew what it was like when people plagued him with questions. Dan just reaches in to grab something and he stares at Phil while he does it.

It’s a picture album, on the cover is photos of Phil and who he assumes to be Theo. He only recognizes Hayley with Olivia. It catches Dan off guard because he had never seen pictures of  _ her _ . She looked different than what he expected. Hayley looked different, too. Hayley had told him that during her university years she experimented in different coloured hair until she cut it all off kept it her natural dark brown hair.

“He didn’t die.” Phil says interjecting his thoughts.

Dan nods, he’s staring up at him, asking if it’s okay if he goes through the rest of the photo album.

Phil opens his mouth like he wants to say something else but he reaches over and does it for Dan.

“But something did die?” Dan questions.

Phil kind of smiles a sad smile, one that’s more of like remembering.

“Yeah.”

Dan looks at each photo, Theo is pretty to look at, he’s got kind eyes and light brown hair styled with a fringe. Dan can see over time he slowly started changing hairstyles and hair colour, and with the hairstyles there was a wardrobe change, too, from emo to a slightly more refined look. Phil stayed the same throughout the photos, maybe a little bit shorter hair but nothing of big significance.

There’s photos of Hayley and Olivia, they seemed to be such a tight knit little group, going to pride together; Phil with glitter all over his face and Hayley in head to toe rainbow colours with the lesbian flag. Olivia is draped around Hayley in half of these photos. Phil looks so in love it makes Dan kind of ache. It’s overwhelming, this feeling of seeing so many photos of his friends before he even knew them.

Near the end of the album the photos became less and less until one photo stood out. It’s Hayley and Olivia, with her hand out to the camera showing off a ring.

“They got engaged.” Dan comments, but his voice is hoarse, fingers smoothing over the picture.

He feels like that maybe he shouldn’t know all of this, it’s too much for him. That gnawing feeling is back, sitting in the pit of his stomach. It feels like the painful part of nostalgia; when a memory is too great, and you feel like your body is too small to hold this big of a feeling inside your chest.

Dan thinks that he’d maybe know all of this if he went to group therapy and maybe if he actually asked how Hayley was from time to time. But he wasn’t very good at talking about his feelings especially when it came to people that he cared about. He was an awful fucking friend.

“Let’s go for a walk.” Phil says after a while.

Dan hasn’t stopped staring at the photo.

Dan gets up from his spot on the floor and gently sets aside the photo album. They walk towards the door putting their shoes on. Phil follows behind Dan and locks the door.

They walk up to the trail that they went to the night before, Dan points out their footsteps from that night and they try and follow it as to avoid sinking into the soft mud from the rain earlier.

“Fuck,” Dan says out loud remembering Phil’s coat.

“What?” Phil looks at Dan with a raised eyebrow.

Dan’s cheeks warm up and he looks down at the ground. “Remember your coat that you lended me? I accidentally stole it. Sorry. I meant to have Hayley or Alex bring it over but then I just forgot.”

Phil throws his head back and smiles. “Oh. Well you can keep it for now. It looks better on you anyway.” He says with a shrug.

Dan has to look away because of how the comment makes him feel.

“I bet you say that to all the guys that help you unpack.” Dan jokingly side eyes him.

Phil shakes his head laughing.

It diffuses whatever heavy tension that was built up from a few minutes ago but Dan can’t stop thinking about the pictures. It was years of memories crammed into one book, over time those memories became few and far and so did the people. Dan places a hand on his stomach because it hurts, he doesn’t know if it’s from hunger or from anxiety.

They walk more towards the edge of the cliffs actually being able to see down them. He grabs a rock holding it in his palm.

“You were right,” Phil says, he’s got his hands in his pockets as he leans over the edge, it makes Dan nervous wanting to pull him back but it looks like he spooks himself out and comes back towards Dan. “Things do look different at night.”

“Maybe because you feel different too.” Dan adds. “I don’t know, night time makes me feel more vulnerable about things. Probably has to do with how the day wears on you.”

“I feel even more vulnerable now.” Phil sighs, it’s the kind of exhausted sigh that Dan knows well.

“Sorry.” Dan manages to say quietly, he digs his fingers into his palms. “I didn’t mean to pry into your personal stuff—”

Phil shakes his head, he looks like he’s going to reach out to Dan but stops himself. “No, You’re fine. I think I wanted you to see it. I needed someone to see it.” He looks out into the coastline now and he starts to walk. Dan joins him trying to keep the same pace as him.

“Are you okay now?” Dan asks, he’s got his hands in his pockets still holding on to the rock, letting it have a warm place to stay in his pocket.

“I think so. I don’t know. I have a lot of days where I’m angry about it. But I’ve been angry about a lot of things for a while now.” His voice is quiet.

Dan can relate. He was angry at himself, angry that his family couldn’t understand him even though he didn’t let them. Angry that he couldn’t change things. Angry that there was a family that would forever be broken by something that shouldn’t have happened. He was angry and he didn’t know how to stop it, because that anger—it follows. It existed in him, and sometimes, when he wasn’t looking it leaked, spreading it around to those near him. In the beginning it was just like a firework, so easily set off and so quickly gone. He gave himself whiplash.

“Loss is….” Dan says and then his voice drops, his thought disappearing. “Loss is exhausting.” It was an understatement, but Dan didn’t have the words to describe what loss was  _ he just felt it. And he felt it. And he felt it. _

They stop now, getting farther and farther away from their view of the houses. The jurassic coastline stretches out for miles and miles, with small little pockets of life here and there. Sunlight breaks through the clouds shining perfectly against the cliffs making them look majestic and beautiful. It was crazy that they were just on one little part of it. Dan felt so small.

“I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve to feel this way.” Phil says, biting down on his bottom lip before adding, “Then I remember everything kind of happened all at once. So then I think maybe I’m just not reacting in the way that I should be.”

Dan feels something drop in the pit of his stomach. He takes a deep breath.

“Whatever it was—I’m sorry it happened.” Dan’s grin is small, but it’s enough to spread a smile across Phil’s face.

Phil throws the rock and they wait for the sound of it dropping in the ocean but it doesn’t.

“Boys are stupid,” Phil says with a small grin.

Dan gulps, feeling a weird flutter in his chest. He nods in agreement. “Boys are stupid.”

Dan keeps his rock in his pocket. He wants to keep it safe just a little bit longer.

 

*

 

They’re lying on the floor in Phil’s living room. Slowly watching as the light from the window starts to fade. Dan has his speakers out the volume on low, they’re listening to Bright Eyes’ album,  _ I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning. _

Dan can’t remember the last time he sat in silence with someone without it being awkward. He can’t remember if he ever had someone like that where it was comfortable. He always felt like he had to fill the void with some kind of conversation. It was nice being able to lay like this and not feel like he was taking up too much space in the world.

“I want houseplants,” Phil says after a while. He turns his head to look at Dan.

“How will they survive the winter with no sun?” He says jokingly.

Dan was never able to keep anything alive.

“Maybe I can get a bunch of lamps and just schedule all the times for them to turn on. Boom. Light.” Phil says with a shrug, like he’s figured out the whole problem.

It makes Dan snort.

“I apologise for doubting you.”

Phil reaches out to poke Dan’s cheek. “I forgive you.”

Dan hates that his body betrays him, he feels his cheeks heating up.

His phone buzzes and he looks to see the message.

It’s from Hayley.

 

_ Hey where r u? _

 

Dan doesn’t reply to the message. Not right now. He just wants to be here in this moment for a little while longer.

So they stay like that in the quiet until it’s completely dark in the room. The only sounds are of the waves breaking against the rocks from afar and the soft music playing through Dan’s speakers. He could fall asleep on the floor right here, his body felt tired enough. When he looks over he sees Phil singing along to the song quietly. Dan can barely hear him.

It’s a weird tingly feeling that he feels in his body, followed by the strong urge to poke his cheek or pull a strand of his hair. He restrains himself and then looks at the time. It’s not that late but he knows that if he didn’t head home Hayley might actually get a search time out for him.

“You have to go?” Phil says turning to look back at Dan.

Dan nods with a sad smile. “Hayley worries.”

Phil laughs quietly. “That she does…. But, it’s nice—to have Hayley in your corner, I mean.”  

Dan thinks about that as he slowly gets up, fixing his hair in the back. Phil gets up too and turns on one of the lights.

Dan collects his speaker and puts his shoes back on and Phil walks him over to the door. They stare at each other again, Dan reaches out to tug Phil’s hair.

“For earlier,” Dan says, pointing to his cheek.

Phil laughs and rolls his eyes, “I’ll see you later, Dan.”

“I’ll see you later, Phil.”

 

*

 

When he gets back to the flat he’s met with the smell of pizza cooking in the oven.

“Hey,” He says, taking his jacket off and putting it in their tiny closet. He opens the door to his room and takes his shoes off.

When he comes back out Hayley and Alex are tangled up on the couch in a blanket. They’re watching Celebrity Masterchef.

“Hiya.” Hayley says, she’s got her arms wide open expecting a hug.

Dan smiles faintly walking over to them. He bends down to give her a hug but she pulls him in between them.

“I don’t know how this will work with your lesbian pile.” Dan jokes.

Alex pinches his arm.

“That’s okay, we’re very accepting of all nonspecific sexualities.” Hayley says engulfing him with her arms and Alex is leaning against him. He won’t tell them, but he likes being smothered like this, it’s like making up for a lack of something maternal. 

He needs to call his mum.

“Where were you, by the way?” Hayley asks, she’s stroking his hair and it feels really good.

“I went to the beach after therapy and just kind of hung out for a while.”

“How was therapy?” Her voice is neutral.

Dan takes a second to reply. “It was fine. I’m just exhausted from it.”

Alex reaches to pat Dan.

“Well, we have pizza in the oven, some biscuits to have after with fancy dessert tea we found at one of those shops by the bakery.”

There are moments when sometimes  _ this _  feels like home.

 

*

 

When Dan goes in for work the next morning he’s in a cloudy headspace. He doesn’t talk to his coworkers, just busies himself with the icing and bopping his head to his music. They’re talking about the upcoming bonfire night, apparently Donna was hosting it, asking everyone to bring some sort of side or main dish.

He leaves halfway into the conversation to start taking things out onto the racks. He turns on the speakers for the front and changes the playlist that he carefully created it’s called _  Coffee Shop Vibes  _ and he may be the only one who cares for it and appreciates it but he doesn’t mind. He heads to the back and smiles at Soph who’s cleaning dishes, and then the rest of his coworkers who have fallen back into the rhythm that they often find themselves in.

They’re all connected in some way. All have their own stories to tell. If Dan were a better person he’d get to know them more but he always feels like something is holding him back. So they just continue to work in each others spaces, creating things out of dough and making better things with icing. Donna’s slogan is that everything was made with love but he thinks that’s just because she made this thing—they’re just the hands that give it out to other people. One day, Dan thinks, he’ll hope to feel that passionate about something again.

Hayley comes in for the afternoon and clean up shift, he feels immediately better knowing that there’s someone he actually knows. He could almost collapse in her arms because of how shitty he feels today. He’s been on edge, constantly looking out the window for anything off or suspicious. It’s just this feeling that’s been itching underneath his skin, making himself uncomfortable in his own body. He wishes that he could just crawl out of his head for a while.

“Alright?” She says, pulling her hair up in a bun.

“Hi,” he sighs, he’s getting off his shift soon which is keeping him afloat right now.

“Yeah,” she says with her own sigh, “I feel that too.”

“Let’s just get through this.” Dan says with a fake determination.

Hayley smiles at that, squeezing his shoulder.

 

*

 

As much as Dan wants to stay and wait for Hayley he feels like his mental state is deteriorating just a little bit. He waves goodbye and sticks his earphones in for his walk back home. It’s windy, the cold chill feels good on his face even if it hurts a little, he finds that it’s a bit grounding.

He takes his phone out of his pocket and then gulps as he searches for his mum’s contact.

He presses the call button and then he waits.

“Hi mum.” He says with a polite voice.

“Oh blimey—” is the first thing that comes out of her mouth. Dan raises an eyebrow at that, before he says anything, she quickly adds, “You called?”

“You wanted me to.”

It’s quiet for a moment.

“I just didn’t think you would.”

Dan has a split second of anger, but he takes a deep breath. He can’t blow up on his mum. It’s not her fault. He repeats that.

“That’s fair.” He says with a sigh.

The street lights start to turn on halfway into his walk back home.

“How are you?” She says disregarding his comment.

Dan wants to sigh again. He hates this. He fucking hates this. It’s the kind of conversations that he hates having. He hated small talk. He hated catching up. Except he couldn’t blame anyone but himself. It was his fault he didn’t call. It was his fault that his mother and grandmother had to squeeze information out of everyone else because he refused to talk to anybody.

“I’m okay. How are you?”

He can feel her disappointment through the phone.

“Just fine.” Her voice could cut ice. He digs his fingers into his palm.

He opens his mouth ready to say sorry, to say that he knows that he’s not the perfect son. He opens his mouth ready to tell her of all the ways that his body aches because of this grief that he’s been carrying with him hoping that maybe she had all the solutions for all of his problems. He opens his mouth ready to say that he misses her—that he misses his family despite how he treats them, despite the distance that he always seems to put between them.

Instead when he opens his mouth he says, “Glad to hear it mum.”

He wonders when it started, this bridge that he built between them, he thinks that maybe it had always been there. Maybe he had always been a difficult child to get through to. He was stubborn and thought that he could do everything himself. Even doing the thing that seems almost impossible to get through.

“I want to visit soon.” She says. “I know you won’t come here so I’ll come to you.”

“You don’t have to—” he starts to say but she cuts him off.

“I’m coming. I’m just looking at my schedule to determine when.”

He bites his bottom lip. “Okay. Nana too?”

“Probably not. Looks like you’ll have to deal with just me.”

He knows that her deadpan is a joke but it stings.

“Okay.” He says with a small voice. “Let me know the details whenever you do come and I’ll plan accordingly.”

“I’ll talk to you later, Daniel.”

She hangs up before he can say bye.

He looks down at his phone at the call log. He sighs sticking it back in his pocket. He knows that its hard communicating with Dan. It was hard communicating with Dan even before the incident. He had a habit of running when things started to get complicated. He shut down when people tried to get close. He bottled things up when his feelings got hurt. It was a two way street of his family breaking his heart and knowing that at some point he must have broken theirs too. It’s just he felt like he was this big disappointment even when he knew that he was doing something that they were proud of.

When he told them that he was going to Manchester for Law they had forgiven the fact that he was leaving so far away, and he suffered the first couple of years in silence just hating the fact that he was there and studying something that didn’t interest him. His grades dropped and he had to lie to tell them that he was doing just fine. There were days when he couldn’t get out of bed and make it to class. The anxiety of failing and hurting his parents even more was what kept him going.

So when Jacob died so did everything else. He feels sick to stomach knowing that at least there was a valid excuse for his leave of absence.

He feels his eyes start to water. He uses his sleeve to wipe it away.

He wouldn’t tell his mum, but it was nice to hear her voice. Sometimes he just needed a reminder that she was out there existing in the world even if he couldn’t always be there with her.

 

*

  
  


When Dan gets home it’s to an empty, cold flat. Hayley wouldn’t be coming home for a while and Alex was at her own flat for the night. He had gotten so used to being around the two of them he was scared that he was dependent on it. He didn’t know how he survived being alone all the time at university. It was probably part of the problem now that he thought about it.

He turned the lights on in the living room and kitchen even though they were both connected and then the telly. He didn’t care what played as long as there was some sort of background noise.

Dan changed into his comfortable clothing and then walked to the kitchen. He didn’t have the energy to cook tonight but he felt his stomach grumble. He sighs resting his forehead against the fridge door.

He’ll make toast. It was the only thing he could manage right now in this state.

He puts butter on it and then decides instead of trying to stay up he could just end this day by going to sleep. He turns off all the lights leaving only the kitchen light on and then the tv. He thinks of how useless it was turning everything on only to turn it off minutes later.

When he gets back to his room his toast is almost done and he gets in bed laying in the darkness staring up at the ceiling. He’s cold.

The clouds have turned into a thunderstorm and he’s just a lonely tree shaking in the wind hoping that he doesn’t get blown down.

His phone vibrates.

He’s caught off guard by it. He reaches over for his phone and sees that it’s a text from Phil.

 

_ Hi  
_ _ Thanks for reminding me how much i loved Bright Eyes again. I forgot about them over the last couple of years and its all im listening to now. I just thought you should know. _

 

For the first time today, Dan feels warmth if not just a tiny bit of light in the middle of a very dark tunnel.

 

*

 

There are days when he wakes up and he feels like a river that’s been iced over and he’s trapped underneath it, watching as the world continues on but he’s stuck. He can’t move. It’s just cold and dark. It’s not ever changing like a storm. It’s just frozen.

Dan can hear the television and knows that Hayley and Alex invited people over for breakfast but he doesn’t feel hungry. He doesn’t really feel anything. He just sighs, rolling over in bed and pulling the covers up as far as they can go without his feet sticking out. He holds on to himself staring at the plain walls that he knows so well.

He doesn’t know what causes this feeling half the time. He can’t blame everything on what happened, while he knows that it’s a big part of it, sometimes it’s just nothing. It’s nothing that makes him feel this way. It’s numb—but it’s heavy.

So he falls asleep again, and when he drifts he sees Jacob—but sometimes it’s variations of Jacob, in different people, with different bodies, and different hairstyles, but he knows that it’s him because his ghost has been haunting Dan for a while now. 

In this dream it’s Dan running from something, in this dream he doesn’t have a weapon, so he’s hiding. He thinks that they’re in the war because of how desolate the land is around him with fallen buildings and abandoned cars and homes. He doesn’t see any bodies, it’s just knowing that they’re fighting against something to try achieve a certain goal that only war knows how.

Jacob turns to him, and he looks like he’s about to say something, but instead he reaches out and Dan tries to grab him feeling anxious that maybe someone will see them but there’s strength in numbers and he doesn’t want to lose him.

Dream Dan doesn’t know it yet, but he loses him every time.

Before Dan can grab him, something gets shot at Dan and then he wakes up.

It’s noon now and there’s no sound coming from any of the rooms that Dan can hear.

He’s sweating feeling where he was shot.

Dan closes his eyes again.

He wonders how long he can hold on to this without completely drowning. He’s frozen now but once the ice starts to melt he’s not sure what he’ll do.

 

*

 

Dan forces himself to get up when he wakes from another long nap. The sun is setting it looks like. Dan has slept the entire day away. He shakes his head grabbing pyjama bottoms and then his phone. There’s texts from Hayley saying that she’s down at the pub by their flat with Alex and a few other people and that he should join if he wants.

He doesn’t want.

He makes himself toast and puts a big slather of butter on it. Dan finds himself sitting down at their tiny table by the window, opening it up to let some fresh air in. His head still feels cloudy, it’s hard to see past anything right now.

Dan sighs, thinking of Phil and the last text message that Phil sent and how Dan didn’t reply back. Dan hurts. Something inside of him hurts, squeezing at his heart and he’s finding it hard to breathe, but only for a second.

He gets his phone out of his pocket and he hovers over Phil’s contact before braving it and typing out a message.

 

_ sorry for disappearing. i do that sometimes. _

 

Once he sends it he washes his hands and goes back to his room to get dressed into something warm to go out for a walk. He doesn’t know where he’s going to go he just knows that he wants to be away from here. He wonders how far he could walk and where he’d end up but the last time he did that it didn’t end very well. It left him numb for days until the final day Dan cracked and cried for all the missing words left in between the distance.

Dan locks the door and runs down the steps and he turns right and goes down the first alleyway and walks to the pub. He can hear the loud music coming from it. There must be some band playing tonight from the sound of it. There’s a lot of yelling and cheering coming from inside the pub and he looks into the window to see if he can spot Hayley. When he sees her she’s got her arms around Alex, they’re surrounded by friends and having a good time.

Dan doesn’t know what he’s feeling. Maybe it’s jealousy, maybe it’s wanting, although who’s to say that it’s not both? He smiles for a lost moment, a moment that could have been his if he would just take it. Instead he turns around and he keeps walking.

He turns right knowing that he’ll pass a nursery eventually, he’ll walk right by the Waitrose and Costa, but he knows where his feet are taking him. It’s just going to be a while until he gets there. Somedays the walk is worth it, but somedays it feels like penance.

He feels his phone buzz in his pocket.

 

_ That’s okay. You always come back right? _

 

Dan takes a deep breath, because he doesn’t know what kind of life Phil lived before he came to West Bay, but he sent Dan a maybe vulnerable text message and didn’t reply. While Dan felt like he didn’t deserve to hear those kind of thoughts he felt honoured that he was even thought of in the first place.

 

_ i do. it just may take me awhile. _

 

*

 

Dan finds himself at the church overlooking a beautiful view. Whenever West Bay is trying to sell their town it’s this lookout point where all the pictures get taken. People who search for this view have to walk pass a church and a cemetery. It’s dark now that he’s here, he misses all the names that he tries to memorise in his head once he walks past them, memorialise them in passing because they’re just a tombstone but more than that.

He takes a deep breath, sitting on the grass and folding himself up, knees resting on his chin. Whenever things got to be too much back in Manchester he’d just go on walks. There weren’t that many spectacular views unless you went on the Manchester Wheel. Dan thinks he just didn’t appreciate the city when he was there. He didn’t appreciate a lot of things when he was there.

He hears footsteps behind him and he’s not surprised when Donna comes up from behind him.

“Alright?” She says, sitting down next to him on the grass. The pretty pink and orange sunset is gone and what’s left is a dark blue sky.

“Hi.” Dan smiles, noticing her gardening gloves.

“I saw you walk through the cemetery.” She takes her gloves off and puts them by her knee.

“I figured you would.” His laugh is gentle, it’s quiet.

“What’s going on?”

Dan bites his bottom lip taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

“I feel guilty.” He says quietly.

“Why?” Her voice is gentle, like if she were to speak any louder he’d flee. He thinks that’s probably the right assumption to make. Dan was a wild animal that needed to be released.

So, he fiddles with his fingers instead. He grabs small little patches of grass holding them into his hand and watching as the wind takes them away. It was like whenever someone tried to ring the truth out of him he closed up. He didn’t know why he did that. He didn’t know why he was scared of his own thoughts like this, why he felt like he just needed to run away from it instead of facing it because it was fucking exhausting for everyone around him.

It’s just, this pain was  _ his _ . It was his that he decided to nurture and care for and let grow.

“I don’t know.” He sighs.

“Hm.” she says, stretching her legs in the grass. He notices her pink wellies and he smiles briefly at that.

“You will never really forget it.” She’s looking out into the distance, mouth open like she’s about to say more. When she closes her mouth there’s a sad smile that takes its place. “It took me years to open up the bakery because I was a hermit. I ran away from my family, the church…. Everything.”

“What made you come back?”

“I got tired of carrying it. It felt like this massive weight on my shoulders. It began to take up too much space. It got to a point where there wasn’t really room for me anymore. I lost myself in it.”

Dan feels moisture in the corner of his eye. He takes a deep breath wiping it away.

“Don’t be a hermit, Dan. Let people in.” She wraps her arms around him and he doesn’t even fight his instinct to pull away, so he leans in to the touch.

Dan can feel the ice start to crack just a little bit.

“I’m going to start packing up all my tools back into the shed. I’ll see you later.” She gives him another gentle squeeze slowly picking up her things.

“We really are blessed to have such a beautiful view. It makes me feel small but not in a bad way.” She takes one last look and then smiles down at Dan.

And then she’s gone.

Dan walks closer to the edge of the grass just to get closer. He takes his phone out of his pocket and he types a quick text and doesn’t think about it before sending it.

 

_ did you go to the pub tonight? _

 

He tries hard not to stare at his phone but thankfully he doesn’t have to wait that long for a reply back from Phil.

 

__ No. I didn’t really feel like socialising that much tonight.  
_ Reminds me too much of other stuff i guess  
_ __ Did you?

 

Dan frowns.

 

__ i didn’t go either  
_ i prefer a dark room and my thoughts  
_ __ i just like to be alone basically lmao

 

He waits thinking if it was too self deprecating, Phil doesn’t really know him like that.

 

_ You are the first introvert i’ve met in a long time I’m glad someone understands hah _

 

Dan smiles. He’s about to reply when Phil sends another message.

 

_ Would you want to be alone together? _

 

*

 

When Dan really thinks about it, he’s never really had someone to hang out with in the way that he’s been hanging out with Phil. Then again he’s never really talked with someone the way that he talks with Phil. Sometimes, they don’t even say anything and Dan has never been comfortable enough in the silence with someone. He doesn’t really know what it all means but he doesn’t really even think about it when he’s in the moment.

When he gets to Phil’s house it’s much later and he’s tired but also very aware that while he likes spending time with Phil he also feels like he needs to keep mind of himself on how he holds himself. Phil seemed like someone who had it all together, even if by the state of his house, he didn’t.

Dan knocks on the door twice before standing back a little ways from the door.

Phil’s smile is big letting him in. He’s wearing his glasses again and university hoodie.

Dan takes his shoes off by the door and gets out of his raincoat and hangs it on the rack. That was one thing Phil does have.

“What’s that smell?” Dan questions, his nose is scrunched and he’s trying to determine  _ what  _ he’s smelling but it isn’t pleasant.

“It’s burnt popcorn.” Phil scratches the back of his neck trying to play it off.

Dan looks at him shocked. “Did you fucking scorch it in the microwave? Jesus Christ that smells awful.” He has to laugh, almost sprinting towards the kitchen to see how bad the popcorn was. “It looks like coal.”

“I really thought I had it down.”

“Do you have any more popcorn?” Dan raises an eyebrow looking at all the grocery bags that have been put into a small pile on the counter.

“Uh. I might have made all the popcorn. It’s been like a meal replacement.”

Dan just stares at him.

Phil stares back before he cracks with a laugh. “Stop judging me. I haven’t had the energy to make anything else.”

Dan was about to fire back a comment but then he remembers all he ate today was toast. He shakes his head a little.

“Are you hungry?” Dan questions, and right on cue he hears Phil’s stomach growl. “Okay.” Dan nods.

He looks at the state of the kitchen. He doesn’t understand how a kitchen can be so bare but so chaotic at the same time. There were small things everywhere but also there wasn’t much.

“What _  do _  you have?”

Phil has tucked in on himself staring at Dan. It’s a curious look on his face and it makes Dan feel like he’s being watched intently but he can’t seem to turn away from it. Phil snaps out of it and opens his fridge.

“I have stuff for pasta.” Phil reaches in to grab something and it’s pasta sauce.

Dan grabs it from him and then nods, forming a plan. “Do you have noodles or?”

Phil has to think before he smiles. “I do. I brought them from Manchester so they’ve traveled a long way.”

The Manchester mention throws Dan off for a second.

Phil seems to catch on. “I grew up there. Well, near there. After uni we….” he doesn’t finish the sentence but Dan gets it. He moved there with his ex.

“Right.” Dan’s smile is small, but he pushes it aside. “Okay. Let’s do this.”

He tells Phil that he burnt pasta his first time before one of his roommates had some mercy on him and made it for him with Dan watching intently behind him trying to remember everything so he can mimic it himself.

He doesn’t mention how he brought it up to Hayley and the conversation that followed after.

“I didn’t really cook a lot of meals.” Phil says as Dan pours the pasta noodles into the pot.

“No?” Dan looks up at him.

They stare at each other for a second before Phil peels away and looks back down at the pot.

“No. Someone always cooked for me.” Phil rings his hands a few times. “We- _  he _  had a lot of friends. People were always over.”

“Sounds really exhausting.” Dan sighs. “I didn’t have a lot of friends at Manchester. Just… a few.”

He thinks back to his conversation with his therapist.

“Did you like them?” Phil is giving Dan all his attention again and it makes it hard for Dan to look directly at him, he doesn’t know why that is.

“I did. They um. They took me to my first gay club which was an experience.” Dan’s laugh is small.

Phil grabs the pasta strainer since the noodles are almost done. Dan stirs the pasta sauce and adds some pepper to it. They work quietly together, like they’ve been doing this for years because of the level of familiarity this brings to Dan. It’s a nice feeling that he’s going to save for a rainy day.

“I met Theo at a club through our mutual friends at the beginning of my second year of university. I love being part of the community but I just really don’t enjoy clubs.” Phil shrugs with a sad smile.

Dan grabs the pot of pasta and then hurries to the sink. Phil places the strainer down and sticks his face in where the steam is. Dan snorts at him pushes him jokingly.

Dan walks back to the sauce grabbing a spoon to taste it, but he mulls over what Phil said. There was a time during his first year when he thought about coming out, it was like a newfound freedom when he realised that he was attracted to men. Somewhere along the way that feeling faded when someone he knew from the lgbtq club got punched in the face out of nowhere. Dan felt like he had to hide that part of him while everyone rose up against it. It seemed that whenever anyone else stood for something that he believed in he cowered away because he was scared.

He was tired of being scared.

“I’m not fully comfortable in my sexuality,” Dan starts off, he doesn’t like how he said it, so he sighs and tries again. “I mean. I  _ am _ . I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m not comfortable with myself in any way shape or form.”

Dan turns down the temperature when to sauce starts to bubble.

When he looks at Phil he sees a soft facial expression. He doesn’t know if it’s pity—that maybe because of Dan’s age, or whatever reason that’s probably floating in Phil’s head—

“I don’t know who I am either.”

Phil places a hand on Dan’s back as he walks passed him to get bowls.

“Oh Jesus.” He hears Phil groan. “I just remembered we still have to sit on the floor to eat.”

Dan throws his head back with is eyes closed but he lets out a laugh.

“My back suffers every time we hang out.”

Phil snorts bopping Dan’s nose with a fork.

“Get used to it, mate.”

 

*

 

They’re lying on the floor in the living room again, bellies full from dinner. They left a stack of dishes in Phil’s sink promising they’ll do it when they’re not in so much pain. Dan has a hand on his stomach holding his food baby proudly while Phil has his hands over his eyes and groaning.

“You said you didn’t want leftovers.” Dan says as-a-matter-of-factly, despite the fact that he fucked himself over by overeating too.

“Because I don’t have containers to put them in.” Phil turns to where he’s laying on his side using his arm for support. Dan turns too. They’re very close to each other, if Dan were to reach out he’d be able to touch his nose, or his cheeks and feel his fringe in between his fingers—

He stops the thought before it goes any further. He rolls his eyes as a reaction.

“That sounds like a personal problem, mate.”

Phil laughs. “That’s my life summed up.”

In the background _  The People’s Keys _  from Bright Eyes plays. Dan’s got all the albums on loop starting from newest to oldest.

Dan gets on his back again staring at each crack in the ceiling, following a line and wondering where it’ll go. When Dan was a kid he used to make up stories that there were tiny people stuck in the walls trying to desperately find their way out. It’s why his ceiling had so many lines and cracks everywhere. He always hoped they found their way out. It’s an odd thought but Dan liked to think he had always been an empathetic boy, even if that empathy only seemed to extend to imaginary people.

“What’s something you haven’t told anyone?” Phil whispers, like they’re in this tiny little bubble afraid that if he spoke any louder it would pop. He might be correct with that assumption.

Dan takes a small breath. He had so many secrets. So many secrets that he kept to himself because he was constantly afraid that if he let them go they’d never come back, that without those secrets he wouldn’t be him anymore. Dan was an impossible puzzle—once you figured out a way it’d just get ten times harder and more confusing the deeper you got.

“I got green tea,” Dan says with a small sigh. “The night of….” He stops himself suddenly feeling too vulnerable, too seen.

“The night of….?” Phil’s voice is gentle, quiet.

It suddenly hits him that Phil knows absolutely nothing about Dan’s past other than the fact that he studied at Manchester, cared way too deeply about music and popcorn, and sometimes panicked to any sound louder than his own voice.

Dan bit down on his lip, tearing at the chapped skin.

“My friend died.” Dan is staring at one specific crack in the wall that seemed to be going in a straight line for a while before another crack intercepted and then another line began. His eyes follow that line as long as it goes before it reached its end. “And I guess my secret is, I never knew if he was really my friend.”

It’s quiet. It’s the kind of quiet that only understanding can bring when there’s no words to be said. Phil slips his fingers into Dan’s. He doesn’t fight it.

And then, Phil says, “Theo was in love with someone else and I knew it the entire time and I didn’t do anything about it.”

When Dan turns to look at Phil he’s already staring back at him.

 

*

 

Dan didn’t know how to be vulnerable. It was hard for him to show people his feelings without making some kind of self deprecating joke after it—like whatever was hurting him was just a punchline. It scares him, knowing that the human laying next to him knows more about him than any other person. His therapist had to get a basis of what happened, but they never dived deep into it like she probably would have liked. Dan was pretty good at tensing up before he ever gave her anything that was of substance.

Phil doesn’t ask questions about it, and as much as Dan wants to run from the guilty feeling that eats away at him, he feels safe here.

“Thank you.” Phil whispers to Dan.

Dan is confused, he turns his head to look at Phil. “For what?”

Phil takes a deep breath, moving his arm over his eyes.

“I don’t know—for everything?” His laugh is small, it’s shaky. It’s the kind of laugh after you’ve said something vulnerable and Dan isn’t going to screw it up this time by not saying anything.

“I don’t know what everything is, but you’re welcome.” Dan’s smile is small, but he reaches out to poke Phil’s cheek because he can, because it’s not weird when he does, because Phil does this thing where he tries to hide his smile like someone told him it wasn’t beautiful.

It makes something in Dan ache again, knowing that there was somebody that didn’t appreciate Phil for who he was instead of resenting him for the person he wasn’t.

“I’m just happy you’re here.” Phil says with a shrug.

Dan smiles, turning to look at Phil again. He takes a deep breath, gulping. “I’m happy I’m here too.”

He wants to tell him,  _ you get me out of my head. _

But Dan isn’t at that kind of vulnerable yet. He inhales again, letting out a slow breath, still feeling the way Phil’s hands fit in his and how warm his insides feel. Dan had been cold for so long he had forgotten what this kind of warmth felt like.

“I still have to edit tonight.” Phil says with a sigh, moving his free hand over his eyes. Dan turns a little to look at him.

“Editing what?” Dan asks.

Phil’s lips curve upward for a second and then it fades. He takes another deep breath and then looks back at Dan. “I got my Masters in video post production with visual effects, during that time I was interning for a post production house and then after I graduated I was hired.”

Dan stares at him in amazement, there’s a part of him that feels inferior in comparison. He turns to look back at the ceiling.

“That’s amazing, Phil. That sounds like such a fucking cool job.”

“It is—sometimes.” He takes another deep breath and then shakes his head, “I don’t know. It was all I did. We moved not too long after university to Manchester. It was my hometown, there were opportunities for Theo, he was an engineer, and we settled.” Maybe unintentionally but Phil squeezes Dan’s fingers.

Dan turns to look at him again and it looks like he’s in pain. Dan smooths his thumb across the skin he can reach and Phil’s grip lessens.

“Sorry.” Phil says with a shaky laugh.

“It’s okay.” Dan says, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

“Can I tell you another secret?” Phil looks at Dan now and he fights the urge to reach out and pull back Phil’s hair.

Dan nods.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” his voice is a whisper, like if he were to speak any louder something would break, and maybe he was correct in that assumption.

“I don’t know either.” Dan says in commiseration.

When it gets later into the night Dan checks the time and sighs at the fact that he has to be at the bakery to prep the donuts for the morning. He doesn’t want to go. It’s an odd feeling, there was a time when he used to beg for more work because it got him out of the flat.

They both get up from the ground and Dan slowly packs his things. He’s eye to eye with Phil now and he smiles at him. He can’t help it. He wants to reach out for him but refrains. Phil fingers twitch and Dan pretends that he doesn’t notice, but he notices everything. He smiles down at the carpet and then shakes his head slightly. He’s tired and feels weightless, but not weightless in the way that he used to feel. He feels…. present- aware of the distance between him and Phil.

“I’ll text you later.” Dan says, pulling his backpack over his shoulders.

“I’ll be awake, probably.” Phil walks him out the door and they stare at each other one last time.

Dan has to shake his head again at how weird this night has been. He didn’t have a lot of good nights, his thoughts often clouded by things that were out of his control. Tonight was different, he feels it in his chest and fingertips, knowing that they were held by someone much warmer than him.

_ Warm _ , Dan thinks,  _ he feels warm. _

 

*

 

Soph is already working on the dough by the time he gets in. It’s barely 2:30 a.m. She smiles up at Dan.

“Hey, I came in about fifteen minutes ago.” She’s measuring the ingredients for the dough, he looks over at the fryers and icing machine that are already turned on and gives her a thumbs up.

He takes his speakers out and hangs his backpack up and washes his hands to get ready for the early morning.

He picks one of his playlists and then sends a quick message to Phil.

 

_ i made it. about to work on some dough until opening time. _

 

He sets his phone on silent. Making donuts is a long process, there’s a reason why they come in so early in the morning and why Dan is so tired throughout the day. He knows that it’s partially his shit sleeping schedule but he’s finding it hard to keep his eyes open this morning.

He splashes water on his face and washes his hands again and then sighs.

Soph and Dan work well together, he likes to think it’s because they both prefer the silence and the sound of Dan’s music playing softly in the background. Dan’s brain tends to shut off during the baking- where his hands do all the work and his brain takes a nap from all the thoughts that cloud him throughout the day.

They’re almost at the point where they start the mixing machine.

“Ready?” Soph asks, she’s got flour on her cheek and Dan points it out and she rolls her eyes.

“I meant to do that.” She adds with a shrug turning the machine on.

He laughs, grabbing the eggs and adding it into the mixer.

They have about a half hour before they let the dough rest and proof.

“Before coming here I didn’t know anything.” Dan muses, they’re cleaning what they can now but it’s not a long job, with the two of them the cleaning is done and they walk to the front to set down the tables.

“What do you mean?” Soph raises an eyebrow.

“I mean I didn’t know anything about baking. Like I could barely make pasta.” He says with a small laugh.

Soph nods. “Yeah. Me neither.”

“I got the job almost immediately. My nan knew Donna.”

That makes Soph laugh. “Donna knows everyone. She hands out places here to anyone who needs it.”

Soph came before Dan but didn’t work as many days as she does now. When he thinks about it, he doesn’t really know her or many of the people that work here that he sees throughout the week. He doesn’t work as often as when he started- preferring the early mornings but it seemed that once he got used to seeing someone they left, and then someone new took their place. Hayley was consistent. She had been here since the start.

“Are you from here?” Dan asks.

“Originally, yeah. Then my mum and I moved to Cardiff to be with my nan.”

“Yeah? Do you know any Welsh?”

Soph shakes her head. “Kind of but not really?  _ Mae Hi’n Bwrw Hen Wragged A Ffynn _ . It’s to describe rain. That’s about it other than a few things my nan has shouted at me,”

“Nice. I’ll make sure to remember that.” Dan smiles again looking down at his phone that he hasn’t checked yet.

“Where are you from?”

Dan lets out a small breath. It’s not quite a sigh but the question always throws him off.

“Wokingham. I haven’t lived there in over three years though, so I guess Manchester.”

It’s an odd thing for him to think of how Manchester had become home. The term ‘home’ didn’t seem to fit in the way that it would for most people. It was just somewhere he  _ lived _ . He didn’t put down many roots, but he feels guilty in saying that because he  _ had _  friends. He used to just call them his classmates but they were his friends.  _ Were. _

“Oh, I love Manchester. I have relatives there too. You went for uni yeah?”

“Yeah.” He clicks on the home button and sees texts from Phil.

“Do you miss it?” Soph asks, her voice is low.

Dan misses Manchester in the way that he misses an old friend that he doesn’t know about anymore. He misses it in the way that only nostalgia can bring. Maybe, he thinks, that it’s just grief.

“Sometimes.” Dan says with a sad smile.

He watches as she unlocks her phone. “Yeah. Me too.”

Dan finally reads his message from Phil.

 

_ Save a sprinkled donut for me? :] _

 

*

 

When Dan gets off work he goes home and takes a nap. He knows that he’ll regret it when he can’t sleep tonight but he needed it. He feels like his body sinks into the mattress and it’s nice just to be able to listen to the sound of the rain tapping against the window instead of his own thoughts because of how exhausted he is.

He wakes up a couple hours later to text messages from Hayley and Phil.

 

_ Where are you?  
_ _ OH you’re in your room napping nvm _

 

He taps on Phil’s message.

 

_ I hope you’re able to nap soon x _

 

Dan smiles thinking of a reply.

 

_ i just woke up. i feel like i don’t know what year i’m in lmao _

 

Dan gets up now and grabs sweats off the ground and a baggy t-shirt slipping his phone in his sweat pocket and walking out into the lounge. He doesn’t smell anything cooking but sees the coffee maker on. It’s a bad idea but he goes to it and grabs a mug from the cupboard and pours himself half a cup.

“Hi.” Hayley says from the couch. She’s watching  _Celebrity Masterchef_  again.

“Hi.” Dan says sitting down on the recliner trying to be careful, he’s had too many accidental spills on his lap.

“Where’s Alex?” Dan asks taking his first sip of coffee.

Hayley yawns muting the telly when the commercials come on. “Weekly dinner with mum.”

Dan nods feeling his phone buzz in his pocket.

 

__ Unfortunately we’re still in year 2012. :(  
_ I’m glad you got to nap though.  
_ __ I’m trying to figure out what to make for dinner

 

Dan bites back a smile, but his stomach growls at the word dinner.

“Have any dinner plans?” He asks and Hayley shakes her head.

“Nope. We could go get food if you want.”

“Let’s do it.” He heads back to his room to get changed.

He types back a quick response to Phil.

 

__ one day i’ll be able to time travel in my sleep  
_ i was fucking exhausted  
_ __ hm if only you had leftovers..

 

He grabs one of the many black t-shirts he owns throwing it on and then his jeans and socks. All of his clothes need to be washed, he just can’t be bothered. He grabs a jacket off one of his hangers and then quickly sprays himself so he can give the illusion that he’s got everything somewhat together—even if it’s far from the truth.

When he looks at himself in the mirror his hair is starting to curl, and he still looks tired. He dreads whenever his mum is supposed to come. He did his best at trying to take care of himself but it was hard to exist when you felt sick half the time from your own anxious thoughts. He throws  _ that _  thought to the side sitting down on the couch waiting for Hayley.

His phone buzzes.

 

__ Where you would want to time travel back to?  
__ Ur mum has leftovers.  
_ Wait that doesn’t make sense. Shut up.  
_ __ I need tupperware :(

 

Dan snorts shaking his head.

“What are you laughing at?” Hayley asks with a raised eyebrow.

Dan just shakes his head as if it was nothing.

“You got keys?” He looks back and Hayley sighs running back to her room.

“Where should we go?” Dan asks when they finally make it out the flat.

Hayley shrugs. “Pub? I could go for a drink or two. Plus it’s just right down the alley.”

Dan starts to lead them in that direction taking a right and then another right down the small alleyway. He looks up to see if he can see bedroom window. It’s cracked open because Dan always forgot to close it and he liked to listen to the sound of the rain.

Dan has only been to the pub by their flat twice. The last time he was looking in the window. They walk in and grab menus from the bar.

Dan orders fish and chips and a beer that he probably won’t like as much. Hayley does the same. They grab their beers and find a booth that’s available. Hayley scans the area and waves at a few people that she knows and smiles at tourists that come for a night out since most places down in West Bay are closed and this is the nearest place.

“I feel like I haven’t seen much of you.” Hayley says after her first sip.

Dan smiles a little, looking down at his phone itching to reply back.

“I’m here,” He says with a small shrug, “I have nowhere else to go.”  

He unlocks his phone to type back a quick response.

 

__ is it bad to say that i probably wouldn’t want to travel back in time? maybe forward. but i feel like something bad would happen and screw up the world we live in because of me like tripping or something.  
_ karen is a v nice person who absolutely believes in leftovers you idiot  
_ __ we’ll get you tupperware.

 

He looks backup and Hayley is staring at her own phone.

“Yeah, that’s true.” Hayley says after a while. Dan snorts.

“You’re one of my only friends.” Dan shrugs.

Hayley smiles but it’s replaced with that knowing look that his therapy gets when she thinks she’s uncovered one of Dan’s many layers.

“Did you not have friends back home?”

Dan takes another drink.

“I did. I kind of left without warning though.”

Hayley nods. “I’m sure they’d still want to be your friend if you explained how you were feeling.”

Dan stares down at the lines on the table, his finger tracing one line that seems to be going nowhere, there’s no straight path to it.

“Maybe.” Dan says. There’s a feeling that he gets whenever he talks about his friends because it makes him think of school, and a school email that he hasn’t checked in a long time. He knows that he can’t hide from it forever but his strategy had always been prolonging it until the very last minute.

His phone buzzes on the table making him jump. He picks it up quickly.

 

__ That sounds like something I’d say. I’m just a clumsy guy  
__ Wow karen sounds like she’s got her life together  
_ My mums name is kathryn btw. Not that you asked or wanted to know  
_ __ I decided to order pizza because i have no self control

 

Dan realises then that he’s wearing Phil’s jacket.

He thinks about texting him that but decides against it.

“Phil is the only friend from Uni that I kept up with.” Hayley interrupts his thoughts.

It makes his heart beat fasting thinking that she could read his mind. He stops to think why that would bother him. It was like talking to Phil was his secret to keep. He seemed he had a lot of secrets that he wanted to keep, thinking that maybe if he spoke about them out loud something bad would happen to it.

Dan is about to say something when they get interrupted by their food arriving.

He types back a quick reply before digging in.

 

__ yes i agree with that. i was afraid you’d fall off the bloody cliff  
__ haha my mom does have her life together i wish that were me  
__ i wanted to know. that sounds like a v nice name.  
_ fuck pizza sounds good. there’s a dominos basically behind our flat it’s too tempting to eat there every night.  
_ __ i’m about to have some fish and chips though.

 

Dan takes a picture to send with the message and then puts his phone back in his pocket. He doesn’t look up at Hayley, just grabs his first chip and dipping it into his tartar sauce.

“Alex says  _ hi Dan _ ,” Hayley laughs showing him the text message with an odd amount of hearts. It makes him smile though.

“Why did she send so many hearts?” He snorts.

Hayley shrugs. “Maybe she felt particularly soft for you.”

He keeps the comment, it makes him feel warm in the way where you get a hug after a long day from someone you truly care about.

“I don’t deserve her.” Hayley says taking another bite.

The comment stings, there’s a certain tone to her voice that makes Dan ache. He just looks at her, watching the way that she silently eats her food without looking up. He wants to say something but he lets out a small breath instead, taking his first bite from his fish.

Halfway into their meal Hayley gets up to order another drink.

And then Dan does too.

By the time they finish their meals and their second drink they decide to head back home and finish the rest of the vodka that they have left.  _ It’s not a whole lot but it’s enough, _  in the words of Hayley as she linked their arms together.

It’s cold and it’s dark, the street lights flickering. It’s much more peaceful here than Manchester. Things actually close at a decent time, people are in their homes eating dinner with their family, maybe they have the telly on and watching the news or a show. Somewhere along that thought Jacob starts to take up space again.

His stomach feels almost acidic with the thought. He winces like he’s in pain because of it. If Hayley notices she doesn’t say anything. She just keeps talking about how there were so many lame pubs by their university and how much she loved to hate going to them despite them being fun because Phil and Theo were fun. Dan winces again at that thought of Phil and Theo in the same sentence. He doesn’t know much about Theo but he doesn’t need to know.

She’s talking about uni but avoiding the person who she spent all of those years with. Dan thinks that they’re more alike than they probably think, but Hayley was in a much better place than Dan was. She had a whole group of people to talk to. Dan just had. Well, he had himself and whatever he decided to tell his therapist.

“You would have liked Olivia.” Hayley says bringing him back.

Dan opens his mouth to say something but she just smiles the kind of sad smile that comes with accepting the fact that some things will never happen.

“Yeah. You would have liked her.” She pats the side of his cheek, running up the stairs. Dan doesn’t try running up, he’s already breathless.

 

*

 

Hayley is very generous with the amount of alcohol she puts in Dan’s drink with the minimal amount of juice that they have. Dan stares at the glass taking a deep breath before taking his first sip. It’s not that bad, he can definitely taste the alcohol but he’s drank much worse things pregaming.

While the morning after was always the worst part of nights out he liked the before. He liked being able to be surrounded by his friends daring each other with shots of alcohol with questionable mixers. He liked going to gay clubs and being surrounded by people who were like him even if he felt like he didn’t always fit in. He hated how loud it got but he always found someone from his group in the corner of the club and ended up spending the rest of the night with them.

He tries very hard not think of Jacob again who’s been on his mind for better part of the night. But the memory exists, and no matter how hard Dan tried to store it away it’d still be there in the morning.

 

_ They had found each other by the toilets. Dan had a fruity cocktail that one of their friends shoved in his hands. It didn’t taste bad, he enjoyed it for what it was. Jacob was on his phone aggressively texting. Dan had pointed it out and Jacob had smiled shaking his head. _

_ “It’s just my girlfriend,” He threw his head back. “We had a fight before I came here.” _

_ “Oh shit. Is it serious?” Dan had questioned. _

_ “I don’t think so. We were arguing about something I forgot to do before I left.” He sends another text message and Dan spots one of their friends waving at them to come dance. _

_ “He’s just going to keep aggressively waving at us if we don’t go.” Jacob says with a laugh giving him the middle finger. _

_ “I know but it’s funny watching him.” _

_ Dan places a hand on Jacob’s shoulder. _

 

It wasn’t a life changing conversation but Dan hadn’t forgotten it.

“What are you thinking about?” Hayley’s on one end of the couch and Dan is on the other, they have the telly on but he’s not sure what’s being played. It seemed that they both couldn’t function in the silence.

Dan opens his mouth but he doesn’t know what he wants to say. So he takes another drink instead, his fingers tapping against the side of the glass.

“I’m thinking about—” Dan stops, he looks down into the glass, biting down on his lip. “I’m thinking about my friend.”

He takes another drink and Hayley is watching him like she always does, maybe in wonder, maybe in worry, but it seemed that whenever Dan wasn’t looking- she was. While they lived together they never really had many talks like this, or even gotten close to whatever this conversation would eventually lead to. He feels something bubble in his stomach, he feels uncomfortable because it feels like the air almost shifts between them.

“You don’t talk about him a lot.” She takes another drink after she says it and then another.

“There’s not much to talk about.” Dan says with a shrug. His fingers tighten on his glass like it’s the only thing that’s keeping him together.

“I get it.” Hayley nods, her smile is warm and sad.

“I’ve been thinking about Olivia since her birthday is coming up soon.”

He remembers the conversation that Phil and Alex had in the kitchen about this.

Dan bites down harder on his lip his teeth tearing at the already cracked skin, it was a bad nervous habit. He tastes the metallic in his mouth.

“I’m sorry that I, um,” It’s hard to stare at her, hard to be honest about his feelings but he takes a small breath and pushes through it despite how uncomfortable he feels, “I’m sorry that I never ask about Olivia or ask how you feel about… anything.”

Hayley just smiles. She places a hand on top of Dan’s foot giving it a gentle squeeze before removing it with a displeased face. “I won’t do that again.” She snorts.

She takes another sip of her drink and shakes her head with a shrug. “It’s fine, Dan. I have Alex, I have group therapy. I have Phil.” She stops, lost in her own thoughts before talking again. “I know that you’re not exactly ready to talk about everything…. But I know that you care.”

It shouldn’t sting as much as it does, but she was right. He wasn’t ready.

Dan wants to tell her that he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready.

He finishes his drink and gets up to pour another one and Hayley does too.

“You can tell me anything.” Hayley says when they sit back down on the couch. “I may not know what to say all the time but you can tell me.”

Dan nods, wanting to tell her thank you but he reaches out to touch her foot and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Oh, yeah, I hated doing that.” Dan says with a laugh and Hayley laughs too.

 

*

 

He doesn’t know how they make it on the floor but they do. There’s hardly room for both of them, Dan is laying right next to the coffee table.

“It just feels better on the floor.” Hayley says with a chuckle.

Dan enthusiastically nods. They both have a nice buzz having finished the rest of the alcohol and opening up the wine that was saved for special occasions.

_ “We can just buy more!”  _ Hayley said trying to open the wine bottle. It was a fail, now they had the cork floating in the bottle with no way to get it out.

They laughed realising how they fucked up the wine but pouring it into Hayley’s childhood cups with cartoons of shows that aren’t around anymore. Dan felt like he shouldn’t be allowed to have this kind of moment with Hayley. It was a guilt that never went away.

Hayley turns now to look at Dan and he feels like he can see her for what she really is: tired, sleepy, and a little sad. He turns too, his head spinning but his body feels light. He just wished that reflected what he felt on the inside. He remembers what Hayley had said back at the pub about not deserving Alex.

“Do you feel guilty?” Dan whispers, afraid that if he spoke louder then something would shatter.

“All the time.” Hayley whispered back.

She stops looking at Dan her eyes casting back up to the ceiling with all the cracks and lines. There’s nicotine stains on the walls in different patches because once before this had been lived in by someone else that wasn’t them. He thinks of how his permanence here was a fleeting thing.

“Is that what you meant by not deserving Alex?” Dan asks, counting the amount of nicotine stains on the walls.

She doesn’t answer right away.

“Yeah. I feel like that this will eventually be too much for her or something. I don’t know.” She throws her hand over her eyes and sighs. “When I lost Olivia it felt like I wouldn’t ever be happy again. Like I wasn’t allowed to be because I got this great girl and I thought that maybe you only get one of those in your lifetime,”

Her voice rises like a wave before it crashes.

“I know we don’t talk a lot about what happened but it was horrible…. How she died. It was horrible.” Her voice cracks and Dan grabs on to her hand so she doesn’t get lost in the undertow.

He feels overcome with emotion, he doesn’t even realise that he’s crying until he feels the tear hit the top of his lip.

Olivia was hit by a car on her way to see Hayley. It was dark and rained earlier that evening, and while she wore a reflective jacket and had a light on her bike the person didn’t see her. They had gotten engaged only a couple days before it happened.

Dan doesn’t even know what all he’s crying for, he just knows that it feels good to let it out.

“I’m afraid that sometimes I’ll forget her.”

They’re sitting up now, Dan staring down at the red wine in his cup trying not to think of how much it looks like blood. There’s just a single image of the pavement right across from him standing in front of a police officer who’s asking him questions about things he doesn’t have answers to.

Dan’s fingers grip the cup a little tighter before he brings it to his lips and finishes the rest of it so he doesn’t have to see it anymore.

“So I wrote things down that I could remember: she liked changing her hair colour every couple of months, my bathroom floor was always stained with different kinds of pinks and purples. Her favourite scent was of an obscure candle brand that had both vanilla and some kind of sandalwood in it. Whenever she slept over she hogged all the blankets so I kept a blanket underneath my bed so I wouldn’t freeze to death. She liked roller skating but she was bad at it, always wanted to go to LA despite her saying it’s overrated but she always loved things that were overrated because of the ‘ _ experience _ ’. Her favourite colour was Cerise and refused to say just pink.”

Dan smiles at Hayley, “You remembered her favourite shade of pink.”

“I did.” She bites down on her bottom lip, looking down into her own cup. She doesn’t see what he sees but she finishes her glass of wine anyway. “It didn’t seem very important at the time, these tiny details about a person, you don’t realise the weight of it until they’re gone.”

Dan doesn’t know what to say that, so he reaches out to squeeze her hand again before slowly getting up and grabbing both of their empty glasses. He feels fuzzy and warm from the alcohol but hollow from the conversation, like all the emotions from the conversation just sucked everything out of him.

He cleans the dishes while Hayley tidies the living room; cleaning small messes they made is the one thing the two can do and maybe right now that was enough.

 

*

 

Hayley goes to bed shortly after cleaning up the living room, he can hear her white noise through the wall, it’s not very often that she has her white noise machine on, only when Alex is gone.

Dan looks at his phone for the first time in a while having only looked down at it for the clock earlier. He notices messages from Phil that didn’t make sense in the moment.

 

__ I probs would have fallen off the cliff especially at night since i got crap eyesight as well  
_ Well now you know :)  
_ __ I guess we’re both envious of our mums having their life together

 

There’s a break in the text messages. Phil responds half an hour later with a picture of him and the pizza. Dan bites down a smile tempted to save the photo,  _ for a contact picture,  _ he tells himself denying the fact that he just thinks Phil is cute.

 

_ It was so good i may have weeped  
_ _ Looks like i need to come to you more if you have dominos right behind you wtf _

 

There’s another break in the text messages.

 

_ I hope your fish n chips were good ^__^ _

 

Dan lays down on his bed with his phone lying on top of his chest and he smiles in the darkness. He can’t remember the last time he felt like this, or if he ever really felt like this. He opens his phone again wanting to reply but looking at how late it was.

He plugs his phone in to the charger and closes his eyes.

He thinks of Phil, it’s hard not to, especially now when he’s buzzed, his thoughts don’t have the barricade that Dan often put up, while it was all to guard his heart and protect him it was nice just being able to freely think about Phil and imagine what it would be like if they were more than what they were now. He never used to really imagine things like this, especially with a guy. He had hookups when he was in Manchester but they never really amounted to anything of substance. Dan often was someone who people were repulsed by once he opened his mouth because he cared too much about specific things. He thinks that might have been the problem with his long term girlfriend, while she was his first love it just didn’t work. They blamed it on the distance, and while it was true- it wasn’t everything. Dan didn’t know how to give someone everything.

She called him that night of the incident. He didn’t answer. He just texted saying that he was fine. She must have known that he wasn’t, because everyone seemed to know Dan better than he knew them.

But Phil.

He told Phil something that he had only thought of, and often when he thought of it he put it away into a tiny box and hid it in the closet where everything else he pushed away lived. Dan kept his grief hidden in that closet. It was so deep in there but you can’t control a wild thing. You can only learn how to deal with it or let it go.

Dan holds his own hands hoping that somehow he can conjure up how it felt to feel Phil’s hands in his.

He thinks of the patterned ceilings and spilt secrets.

_ I never knew if he was really my friend. _

Dan sighs, unclasping his hands and turning on his side.

He didn’t really know… anything.

Dan bolts up and reaches down to grab his computer and turns it on. His hands shake at the what he’s about to do.

He types in all the websites that he had Jacob friended on. He was in a lot of group messages on different messaging sites with his small group of friends. He feels cold, that hollow feeling hits him in the stomach. It doesn’t feel good to be doing this knowing that the person doesn’t exist anymore.

What was the point of getting to know someone after they’re gone? What would it benefit?

Dan turns his lamp light on and grabs his moleskin journal from the bedside table and a pen and starts writing things down.

Jacob was from Newcastle upon Tyne often writing of how boring it was (despite it being a university city) saying,  _ there was just nothing to do _ . He was seventeen then, working at Tescos on the weekends and hating his job but loving the fact that he finally had a girlfriend who seemed to love him quite a bit. Dan knew her. He only met her the few times that she would come out with the rest of their friends. She was pretty, and often took care of Jacob when he had one too many drinks.

Dan learns that Jacob got into Leeds and Bristol University, too, but ended up choosing Manchester because that was always the plan. Unlike Dan, Jacob loved and knew Manchester. It was where he felt the most at home. His favourite place to go was the Lowry because of the bridge that lights up. Dan had never been, but he felt like that he should have.

Jacob loved a hole in the wall restaurant called  _ This & That.  _ There’s a page full of places that Jacob loved to eat, down to dishes and how they made him feel. Despite going to Manchester to be a lawyer he wanted to be a cook but never had the time because of the workload on top of having a girlfriend and spending time with her and his friends.

The more that Dan learns, the more guilt he feels in knowing that they had a lot in common. They just never talked as much as they should have.

Dan is flipping through the pages now of all the facts that he’s got so far about Jacob. It’s not everything, but Dan can’t have everything. He sighs closing the journal and clicking out of all of his tabs except one. Dan scrolls through his profile pictures on Jacob’s Facebook. Hundreds of people have commented on his last photo. It’s one of him holding his daughter. She was a newborn then but a little bit older now. It wasn’t fair.

_ It was horrible how she died.  _ Dan thinks of his conversation with Hayley. He grips on to his journal and closes his eyes really tight and inhales until it stops hurting.

(It never really stops, he thinks, it just gets to a point where it becomes bearable.)

Despite how people died, death was never peaceful, it would always be the loss of something that could never be replaced—it was a feeling that someone gave you that was so unique you would never feel it the same way again.

Dan takes another deep breath exiting out of the last tab. He doesn’t delete his web history this time. He takes one last look at all that he’s written. He still doesn’t know Jacob’s favourite colour.

Dan puts his computer back and turns his lamp off. He’s staring at his ceiling again, unable to see the lines and cracks in the wall. He sighs turning on his side reaching out for his phone so he can type Phil a message.

 

_ what’s your favourite colour? _

 

Phil is quick to reply back.

 

_ It’s always changing. Right now it’s blue. _

 

*

 

Dan had work the next morning which seemed to go by slow. He blames the rain for the lack of customers coming through the bakery. He talks to Soph a lot more than he did before which is nice. He likes hearing her thoughts about things and having conversations about stuff that doesn’t really matter, it was just nice to feel like he had a friend that wasn’t so involved in his life like Hayley, Alex, and Phil.

She tells him stories about her childhood here, she was part of the sea brigade led by a member of the local church and a shopkeeper. They learned how to do all kinds of netknots. Apparently Soph saved one of her friends who had fallen off a boat when she was twelve. Soph was sad having to leave to take care of her nan but she always embraced adventure and Cardiff was beautiful in a lot of ways.

They swap stories of loving Barry Island and walking up Friars Point.

“I love just sitting on the benches,” Soph says after saying goodbye to their last customer.

“I think what I love most about them is it’s like a memoriam for someone that’s gone. Some people get tombstones, those people got a bench with a beautiful view.” She says with a shrug.

She starts combining the donuts on one tray but Dan thinks about that statement. He didn’t even notice it. Then again it had been a long time since Dan had gone up to Cardiff and before the incident he didn’t notice really anything.

“I wanted to do it for my nan. I still may it just may cost a bit of money.” And then Soph is gone with the tray to the back.

Donna has decided to donate the rest of the donuts to small community that’s hoping to turn into something more, Dan recently learned it’s LGBTQ related but doesn’t know much other than that. He smiles thinking of Donna, despite her religious background she was one of the most open people he had ever met.

Dan gets to sweeping and then mopping the floors, cleaning the tables and putting the chairs on top. When he gets in the back he sees that Soph is finishing up the dishes and he helps her and they get out at a decent time. It’s dark now and still raining, he turns around to lock up.

“You’re going to um, the bonfire night, yeah?” Soph says as she zips up her jacket.

“Which one?”

“Oh, right, Donna has one- but um, Hayley’s bonfire night. I think it’s for—”

Dan nods his head, “I know what you’re talking about. I am, yeah.”

“Cool. I’ll see you there then, and well, I guess at work too.” Soph turns around and then starts to run.

Dan grabbed his phone and saw that Hayley was with Alex, they were apparently getting drinks with Alex’s coworkers and he was told to not stay up for them. He sighs, biting down on his bottom lip before pressing on Phil’s contact.   


 

_ would u want to come over? _

  
  
He pulls his hood over his head and starts to fast walk to the flat.

When he gets to the flat his hair is a curly mop and he’s wet everywhere. He quickly changes his clothes and hangs them on the rack and puts his pyjamas on and checks his phone for a reply.

 

_ Sure! Let me finish this video and i’ll be over  
_ _ Can we eat plz i am so hungry _

 

Dan smiles shaking his head.

 

_ yeah we can get dominoes if u want _

 

Dan turns the telly on and wraps himself up in the blanket.

Phil replies.

 

_ I want that very much plz _

 

Dan replies immediately.

 

_ ok well hurry up bitch  
_ _ :) _

 

Dan flips through the channels trying to settle on something while he waits. It’s some home renovating show but he stays on the channel and closes his eyes.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been out but the knock on the door makes him jump. He yawns, getting up from the couch and running towards the door and sees that Phil is in his green York hoodie and a pair of joggers. Dan smiles letting him in. Phil takes his shoes off by the front door and Dan glances down at his mismatching socks. He laughs shaking his head.

“Hi.” Dan tries to keep his voice neutral but it came out pretty fond—it’s just, Phil looks so comfortable.

“Hi.” Phil smiles back and hands him something.

“Oh wow, where did you get this?” Dan holds up the popcorn bucket.

“If I finish editing early I just go into town a lot to cure my boredom, and I just found it at one of the shops- I know you like popcorn and I thought it was cool and would be useful. So if like I come here or you come to mine then we’ll always have something to put our popcorn in.”

Dan finds it hard to stare at Phil directly after that, but he braves looking up at him with a very genuine smile. It hits somewhere close to Dan. He wasn’t used to people doing such nice things for him or thinking of him like that, he doesn’t know how to react.

“Thank you, Phil. We can use this tonight.” He reaches out and gently squeezes Phil’s upper arm.

“Okay. Let me get on my computer and we can order the pizza.” Dan places the popcorn bucket on the counter and then fast walks to his room grabbing the computer from underneath his bed. “You can come in if you want.” Dan calls sitting down in the middle of his bed.

Phil pops his head in before actually stepping into Dan’s room. Dan watches as Phil observes his room and he laughs again. “Yeah, nothing really worth noting in here other than the pile of clothes on the ground.”

“It’s okay, our rooms are matching.” Phil sits down on the bed and scoots back to get next to Dan. Phil leans against him watching as Dan types in the website.

“You need some wall art or something.” Phil says poking Dan’s cheek.

Dan tries not to blush especially because of how close Phil is sitting.

“Hayley and Alex really tried to decorate my room but I wouldn’t let them.” He doesn’t want to tell him why, the thought of explaining it makes him sad. He doesn’t want to think about it.

Phil seems to understand and doesn’t comment on it.

“What kind of pizza do you want?”

Phil thinks for a moment before reaching over to place his fingers on the track pad and scroll down. When he doesn’t find what he’s looking for he types it in and finds it. He looks over at Dan now and smiles.

“I can live with that.” Dan nods, adding jalapenos and chili flakes to the Texas barbecue and asking for dips on the side.

“That was so easy.” Phil says surprised.

Dan raises an eyebrow, “Why wouldn’t it be easy?”

Phil just shakes his head. “Nothing it’s just… I have a hard time letting things go and I don’t think before I speak.”

“I’m definitely the opposite.” Dan sighs, grabbing for his wallet that was left in one of his pants to pay for the meal online. “ _ But _  I do have a hard time letting things go.” He closes his laptop after putting in the information saying that they got about thirty minutes to kill until they pick it up.

Dan can still hear the telly playing in the other room but Dan leans back on his bed and Phil seems to slot easily right next to him.

“My ex called me today.” Phil is staring at Dan, he looks confused and Dan doesn’t know why.

Dan stares back at the ceiling.

“How did that go?”

Phil doesn’t say anything for a moment. He sighs first before answering. “It was just about some stuff I guess I left. He’s planning on moving out of our flat. He should have moved out months ago but he didn’t know how things would go with his… current boyfriend. So… he let me know that there were things that I left.”

Dan turns his body towards Phil. He wants to reach out and brush the hair away from his forehead. He wants to tell him how comfortable he looks and feel the hoodie in his hands for himself. He pushes the thought away, they were friends.

“That’s fucked up. Fuck him.” Dan says with a small smile.

Phil laughs. “Yeah. Fuck him,” he bites his bottom lip and shakes his head. “He wasn’t a bad person. I mean. I don’t know. Maybe he was. He strung me along for years knowing he wasn’t completely in it one hundred percent like I was.”

Dan nods to that, “People are complicated. I’m sorry that he made you feel that way though.”

Phil smiles again. “It’s okay. I am over it for the most part. It’s just um…. The birthday coming up stirs up some unpleasant feelings.”

“I was talking to Hayley about it last night.” Dan is staring at one of the cracks on the walls behind Phil. “Apologising for being such a shite friend.”

Phil laughs but it’s humourless. “Yeah. I know that feeling.”

Dan takes a small breath, and then asks, “What’s your favourite shade of blue?”

The question doesn’t puzzle Phil, he doesn’t give him a weird look. Instead he holds his finger up and takes his phone out and types in ‘ _ shades of blue _ ’ and scrolling through photos.

“Got it. Indigo Dye.” Phil shows him a picture and Dan smiles, repeating it in his head to remember it.

“Thank you.”

“What about you?”

“Gray. Davy’s Gray to be exact.”

“Thank you for telling me that, I’ll keep that in my ‘ _ important information about Dan Howell _ ’ it’s a very important corner of my brain.” Dan snorts feeling his cheeks heat up.

He doesn’t know how long they lay on his bed like that, passing off pieces of information about themselves that seems so mundane and trivial, but Dan absorbs everything that Phil tells him, keeping it in his own corner of information about Phil, watching the way his eyes light up when he talks about something that he’s passionate about.

They lose track of time and when Dan’s alarm goes off to pick up the pizza it scares them both, making them jump. Dan laughs shaking his head and gets up to look out his window.

“It’s raining.” He says, feeling the cold chill in the flat. He turns the heater on- this time not wanting to suffer in a cold flat. He grabs a coat from one of his hangers and then sees Phil’s that he accidentally stole. He hesitates grabbing it, knowing that he should give it back to Phil.

“Hey,” He takes it off the hanger and then holds it out for Phil to take on their walk to get the pizza. “Remember this?”

Phil gets off from Dan’s bed and grabs it from him. “Right. Coat stealer.” Phil winks, putting it on.

“Sorry I—”

“It’s okay, Dan. I don’t care.” Phil shrugs now, sticking his hands in his pockets. “Like I said, it looks better on you anyways.”

Phil turns around to grab his shoes and put them on.

Dan shakes his head, thinking,  _ fuck. _

Dan locks up and they run down the stairs.

“I feel like since I got here it just hasn’t stopped raining.” Dan says.

“Yeah, I don’t remember it raining as much when we came down here. Then again we always came during peak tourist time.”

“Maybe the weather is just weeding out the weak from the strong.” Dan jokes, thankful to see the Domino’s logo in the distance. They run the rest of the way.

“Hi Dan!” The guy from last time says with a cheerful voice, he’s got everything ready to go for them with the abundant of sauces in the bag.

“Hey.” He feels bad not knowing his name, “How are you?”

“Oh, doing fine. Hayley make you come and get the food again?”

Dan laughs shaking his head. “Nah, this is just for us. Hayley is quite the popular one, but you knew that.”

Phil smiles at the man grabbing the pizza.

“Well, have a good night anyway.” The man waves goodbye and they fast walk back out.

“Hayley knew everyone in York. Whenever we’d go out she’d made friends wherever she went.” Phil holds the pizza with both hands, taking it very seriously and it makes Dan laugh.

“I like hearing about it,” Dan says, and then shrugs, “I like hearing about Hayley’s life before here.”

“University was… fun. I mean. It wasn’t always but, I don’t know. Maybe because your only purpose was just your studies and not what we have to deal with now.”

Dan thinks for a moment before sighing. “I wish I felt the same.”

He unlocks the door and they’re climbing back up to the stairs to the flat.

Phil places the pizza on the counter before taking his shoes off and placing the coat back in Dan’s room.

Dan gets plates and cups out. Phil turns the tv on.

“Ribena okay?” Dan asks from the kitchen.

“Sounds perfect.”

They eat on the ground watching Friends.

It’s not an exciting night by any means, but it’s enough for Dan to want to write about it in his journal.

 

*

 

Dan’s not sure what time it is but Phil is bundled up on the couch with the blanket wrapped around him, from what Dan can see he’s floating in and out of consciousness. Dan has cleaned up the mess they’ve made, throwing the box in the trash and cleaning their glasses and plates. He turns off the kitchen lights and walks over to his spot on the couch grabbing the remote and flipping through the channels for anything good.

There’s not a lot of things to watch at this time of night. Dan keeps flipping through anyway, and Phil has sunken more into the couch. Dan turns to look at him, smiling at how comfortable and soft he looks. Phil turns to look back at him. They stare into each other’s eyes for a moment and Dan feels like there’s something wild trapped in his chest just waiting to be released with how Phil is making him feel

It takes a lot of out Dan to turn away his gaze. His phone buzzes and it’s drunk messages from Hayley saying to not wait up for them.

He replies.

 

_ be safe x _

 

Dan settles on a channel. It’s some late night news that’s already been played before. Phil shuffles beside him, grabbing one of the small pillows from the couch and pressing it against Dan. Phil gets into a lying position and there’s not enough room for the both of them, Phil’s legs stretch out past the armchair and Dan can feel the top of Phil’s head against his thigh.

Dan looks down at Phil and smiles softly. “Comfortable?”

Phil looks up at him and nods his head. “Yeah. I am now.”

Dan reaches out and combs his fingers through his hair without thinking about it. Maybe it’s the late night that makes him brave, maybe it’s because he’s never felt so comfortable with another human being before, he doesn’t know, but he doesn’t question it. He watches the way that Phil closes his eyes and Dan keeps on doing it.

“That feels good.” Phil whispers.

Dan watches the weatherman explain the weeks forecast, his fingers still combing through Phil’s hair as he falls asleep.

Dan stares down at him wanting to tell him, _  you make me feel safe. _

Dan stares down at him wanting to tell him,  _ you make me feel something other than this grief. _

  
  


*

 

Dan gets woken up to the sound of the front door opening, his eyes snap open briefly before he closes them again trying to get comfortable, pulling up the blanket that he grabbed from the closet.

He can hear someone say, “ _ Shh. _ ”

He knows that it’s Hayley or Alex, he’s kind of out of it to determine.

But then he hears an, “ _ Oh. Phil’s here. _ ”

Phil is here, laying against Dan on the couch, they’re a human pile of throw pillows and blankets with the telly still on. If Dan were more awake he’d think more on that but sleep is starting to take him in its grip again.

Dan didn’t have any dreams that night—and for that, he was grateful.

 

*

 

When morning comes, it’s quiet. The television is turned off and there’s an extra blanket around both Dan and Phil. Dan looks at Phil who looks so warm and peaceful. Dan is so tempted to run his fingers through his hair again like he did last night but he refrains, but he thinks about it while he wakes up.

He untangles himself off the couch, his back hurts from laying in such an odd position. The couch wasn’t made for two tall people but somehow they made it work. Dan grabs the pillow he used and tucks it under for Phil to have extra support as he quietly walks to the kitchen and turns on the coffee maker. He grabs two glasses of water and fills it up before walking to the bathroom to grab some aspirin.

He quietly opens Hayley’s door and sees their cuddle pile and places the water and the medication on her bedside table before quietly closing it again.

Dan had a great night's sleep. He can’t remember the last time he slept throughout the night without waking up in a cold sweat. He looks out the window and it’s quite the sunny day. He opens some windows, and returns back to the kitchen. He doesn’t know when Phil will wake up but he grabs an extra mug for him anyway.

He takes the bag of toast and puts two into the toaster and then grabs the butter. Outside a car honks and a child laughs on their way to school. He sips his coffee and grabs the toast when it’s done, lathering a thick amount of butter.

He hears movement in the lounge and he looks to see Phil waking up reaching for the coffee table for his glasses. Dan smiles again placing the second piece of toast on a new napkin and filling the second mug of coffee up for Phil.

“Morning.” Dan says from the kitchen.

Phil looks for the voice with his disoriented eyes and he waves, running a hand through his hair.

“There’s coffee and toast for you.”

Phil nods to that, getting up from the couch and walking over. When he gets to Dan he stares at him for a second before grabbing a piece of his hair and tugging on it. He smiles, reaching over for the cup of coffee and then grabbing the creamer out of the fridge.

“I’m lactose intolerant, but I love sweet creamers. It’s a real dilemma.” Phil says, his morning voice is rough and it does things to Dan.

“Life is so hard.” Dan teases. He’s leaning against the counter now, taking small sips and watching as Phil wakes up with each sip.

“Hayley and Alex came in late, yeah?” Phil looks to Hayley’s room.

Dan nods. “Yeah it woke me up briefly but I was really nice and warm so I fell back asleep easily.”

Phil’s smile is small, he gulps it down with another sip and Dan just feels blessed to have seen it at all.

“I have to leave soon. I have to work on some stuff before Friday.”

Friday. It was bonfire night, but for Olivia.

“I have work later.” Dan remembers, but at least Soph made it better.

They eat their toast together, finishing coffee in the middle of Dan’s tiny kitchen. They don’t talk but they don’t need to. When Phil finishes he puts his shoes on and Dan walks him to the door. He wants to reach out to him but instead he pokes his cheek.

“See you later.” Dan holds the door open and watches him walk down the stairs before quietly closing it.

He folds up the blankets and puts them back in the closet before walking to his room and getting into his cold bed. It’s not as comfortable as how felt with Phil on the couch, but he thinks about it before falling asleep.

 

*

 

Dan wakes up sometime in the late afternoon. He gets up and walks back out into the lounge. Hayley and Alex are piled on the couch and they both smile at Dan encouraging him to join. He walks over getting in between them, Hayley yanking Dan back to rest against her with the pillow in between them.

“I do this mainly because I want to try and braid your hair.” Hayley says with a laugh.

“It curls naturally.” He says, grimacing when she untangles a knot.

“I know, it’s beautiful.”

Alex groans, resting her head against the back of the couch.

“Thank you for the water and aspirin.” Alex says, reaching out to place a hand on top of Dan’s knee.

“Yeah, cheers. I still feel like the living dead but seeing that when I woke up almost made me cry.” Hayley pats the back of Dan’s head.

“You’re welcome.”

Dan watches the telly feeling Hayley’s fingers in his hair. They don’t talk for a while but he feels like that they may want to talk about  _ something _ . Dan is finding it hard to not want to get up and leave the house or go back to bed. He doesn’t even know why he feels so anxious about it in the first place.

“What did you do last night?” Hayley asks. She stops playing with his hair then.

Dan bites down on his bottom lip for a moment.

“Phil came over and we watched Friends.” Dan’s fingers dig into his palm, and he tries not to be tense about it. So he loosens his shoulders and takes a deep breath.

“That’s good. Phil is great.”

_ Yeah, he is _ , Dan thinks.

Hayley takes out the small braids in Dan’s hair and smoothes it over.

“Phil thinks you’re cute so.” Hayley says with a laugh, squeezing his shoulder.

He wants to ask a follow up question,  _ Did he tell you that? _

And then Dan thinks,  _ People talk about me when I’m not around? _

“I am cute.” Dan says with a shrug, trying to push down how it makes him feel.

“Shut up Dan.” Hayley says with a lot of fondness in her voice.

Dan snorts.

 

*

 

Dan spends the rest of the day texting Phil and hanging out with Hayley and Alex on the couch, getting up often to get them something when they ask, watching a lot of awful reality television and eating a lot popcorn in between. He’s still squished between the two of them, both occasionally loving on each other or loving on him.

He’s gotten used to it, in the beginning it was an odd thing to be getting so much affection from people. It often made him uncomfortable, Dan thinks that’s what happens when you isolate yourself. When he was a kid his family wasn’t overly affectionate with each other, it just wasn’t how they were- and when he had a girlfriend it was a learning process on how to give and receive. He thinks of how uncomfortable with himself he was back then. Looking at pictures of himself back home just a couple years before university makes him sad.

He was lost then and still lost now, but he’s gotten better at letting people love him when he thinks he doesn’t deserve it.

Dan had good friends in Manchester, it’s just he didn’t let them in.

Hayley and Alex didn’t give Dan much of a choice of whether he let them in or not, they broke down his walls and cradled him in their arms when he fell.  

Dan feels his stomach growl. He turns his head up to look at Hayley who pokes his forehead.

“I’m going to the store to get stuff for dinner.” He gets out of the cuddle pile

“Spaghetti and meatballs okay?” Dan says as he heads out the door.

“We really have a very broad dinner palette.” Alex snorts from the couch but giving a thumbs up.

“Fuck off, I can barely make donuts.” Dan gives them the finger while he walks out.

He gets his phone out to text Phil.

 

_ i’m getting stuff to make spaghetti  
_ _ i can’t wait to put the leftovers in my plastic containers _

 

He smirks sending it, stuffing his phone back in his pocket walking to the Waitrose down the road because he doesn’t feel like walking all the way to Lidl. He’s slept a lot today which is nice for when he eventually has to go in at two a.m. for the donuts but he still feels like he could sleep more, to ride this dreamless train while he can.

 

__ Ur mum is a plastic container  
_ I want some  
_ __ I’m debating whether ordering take away or try and make something with what i have

 

He reads the message stepping into the shop and laughs, he’ll answer in a bit- right now he’s on a mission to get the things he needs and grabs a case of the peanut butter beer that Hayley liked so much. They might not want to drink for a little while but it’s in there.

Dan is trying to be better by just doing the small things. It may not make a world of a difference but he was trying.

He hurries back to the flat within twenty minutes and Hayley and Alex haven’t really moved from their place on the couch.

“I got the peanut butter beer you liked so much.” Dan says holding it up before putting it in the fridge.

He grabbed his phone out of his pocket eager to text back.

“You’re too kind.” Hayley gives him the most genuine smile and it makes Dan feel warm, like he did something right.

 

__ ur mum is a take away  
_ try and make something be adventurous  
_ __ or else

 

Dan starts working on the pasta putting on an apron that says  _ Queen of the Kitchen.  _ He may only know how to cook a few things but he’s proud of it. He can successful make donuts now, has a handful knowledge on making several kinds of pastas and can make a mean toast.

He thinks of the conversation with Hayley a few weeks ago, talking about burnt pasta, their secrets spread in every noodle—it was a combined effort made with love and grief. What he makes tonight is still made with love but also remnants of a good day.

Donna had told him how food brought people together, he never really understood the sentiment, or how anyone could get emotional about food but perhaps she was right as he nods to a song that’s playing in his head, while Hayley and Alex are snuggled up on a couch that not too long ago Dan was also snuggled up on with a certain boy that makes him feel just a little bit warm.

While he waits for the water to boil he checks his phone again.

 

__ Or else what? ;)  
_ I am so useless Dan  
_ __ I dont know how to make anything

 

Dan gulps, but he smiles hard. The last second text makes him feel like there’s something more there.

 

__ i will shove this pasta down your throat.  
_ what do you mean?  
_ __ i’m sure u can make a lot of good things

 

Dan reads over the text message again but puts his phone aside to stir the noodles.

“How’s it coming along?” Hayley asks.

“Fine, I guess.” He says back looking for the colander.

He makes the meatballs and sauce next. It’s an easy process, thinking back to summers with his nana when she’d come over. They’d make enough spaghetti to last a few days since his parents worked a lot. He shakes his head, feeling sentimental over spaghetti, feeling sentimental over pasta in general and how it quickly became an emotional meal in his life.

His mind wanders to Jacob, because he can’t help it. Dan thinks of Donna and what she said about her grief taking up too much space, like there wasn’t room for anything else, because Jacob was there in the back of his mind, waiting in the corner of his brain when Dan’s guard was down and he’d visit for a while.

Dan shakes it off grabbing the bowls from the cupboard placing them in a line and puts pasta in each of them and pours the sauce over. He takes the parmesan cheese out and toasts bread for all of them.

Dan’s phone buzzes.

 

_ I don’t know if i’m aroused by that or not.  
_ _ I wish i was kidding i really dont know how to make anything or like… do anything hah _

 

Dan’s lip twitch at the first message before he frowns. He’ll leave it for now and reply later when he can give it his full attention. The toasts pops up and he grabs the three slices and places it on the side of the bowl.

“It’s ready.” He calls from the kitchen.

Hayley and Alex get up from their cuddle pile and each tug on one of Dan’s hairs that’s starting to curl.

“Thank you,” Hayley says with a sweet smile grabbing one of the bowls and walking back to the couch and grabbing one of their tv trays.

“What do you want to watch Dan?” Hayley stands near the big shelf of movies.

Dan sits on the recliner. He shrugs.

“Whatever you guys want to watch.”  Dan gives her a smile.

“Okay.”

She settles on Friends.

“This tastes really good Dan. Not bad for a guy who used to burn his pasta.” Hayley says it with a small smile, a silent nod to a bittersweet memory shared.

“Did Dan used to burn his pasta?” Alex says sitting down next to Hayley, looking between the two with an amused smile.

Dan stares at Hayley again before looking down.

“Yeah,” Dan says, “I did once.”

Hayley looks at Alex with a sweet smile. She leans over to press a kiss to her cheek. Dan looks away to the television. He takes another bite of his pasta feeling full and a little sad. He grabs their bowls when they’re done and washes them off. He goes to his bedroom and looks at the text message Phil sent.

 

_ aroused by pasta huh? adding that to the list of ‘important information about phil lester’  
_ _ well, what would you want to make if you could make it? _

 

He lays down on his back, staring up at the ceiling again. He feels overwhelmed with his emotions. He had too many, all different kind of emotions that were taking up room in his heart and he wanted to give them all the attention they needed but it was just overwhelming for him.

Phil replies.

 

_ Honestly Im homesick and when Im homesick all i want is soup  
_ _ Why? _

 

Homesick. He feels homesick. Dan takes a deep breath.

 

_ okay i’m coming over with stuff to make you soup.  
_ _ be there soonish _

 

Dan grabs his backpack and his laptop and phone charger and one of his jackets and walks out of his room. Hayley and Alex look up from the couch with raised eyebrows but he doesn’t meet their eye as he storms to the kitchen to grab everything that Phil might not have including chicken broth and pasta noodles they haven’t used. He looks through their fridge for vegetables, hoping that they’re not molded over. He’ll have to run to the store for some things that they don’t have.

When he’s got everything he needs he puts his shoes on and grabs the door knob turning to look at the two on the couch.

“I’m heading out for the night. I also have work at 2:00.” He opens the door and closes it before giving them a chance to ask where he’s going.

 

*

 

He goes to Lidl to get the rest of the ingredients before he’s knocking on Phil’s door.

The first thing he notices is how tired Phil looks. He saw him earlier this morning but it looks like something changed in between then. He wants to reach out and cup his cheek. Instead he just smiles at him, reaching out to  _ poke _  his cheek instead going right to his kitchen.

“I brought an abundance of stuff.” Dan sets everything down and then starts to grabs things out of his backpack.

“Oh wow, your place is coming along nicely.” Dan peeks his head into the living room, there’s art hanging on the walls and a couch.

“Donna had a friend who had a couch they didn’t need anymore so they donated it to me.” Phil says with a shrug. “It’s really comfortable, actually.”

“We’ll see. I’ve slept on many couches. I’m a couch surfer extraordinaire.”

It makes Phil laugh.

“I figured we’d make something basic like chicken noodle soup.”

Phil stands next to him, watching Dan sort the ingredients out. Dan eventually turns his head to look back at Phil. He takes another small breath.

“Why are you doing this?” Phil asks quietly. The way he says it breaks Dan’s heart. It’s like the day has just sucked the life out of him.

Dan bites down on his bottom lip, thinking of how to reply.

He shrugs, grabbing the cutting board to give his hands something to do so he doesn’t do something stupid like reach out and cup Phil’s face.

“Because,” he looks at the cutting board that Phil brought from Manchester, he assumes, it shows clear signs of it being used quite a lot over a long period of time, but apparently not by Phil.

Dan doesn’t know how to feel about using a cutting board that belonged to Theo, but he supposes that doesn’t matter because he’s not here anymore.

“—Because I’m trying to be a better friend or whatever to the people I care about.” Dan washes the carrots and then starts to cut them.

“Or whatever?” Phil says raising an eyebrow.

Dan looks up at him then, a smile ghosting his lips.

“Or whatever.” Dan repeats.

Phil bites down a smile, grabbing the second cutting board that looks like it hasn’t been used quite as much. He takes the celery and washes it and starts chopping. He follows Dan’s lead, asking him if they should be thicker or thinner.

Halfway into chopping the vegetables Dan gets his computer out and looks up the rest of the recipe- while Dan had a general idea of what he was doing he wasn’t completely sure.

“We’re both learning how to make this together.” Dan says with a smile.

Phil rolls his eyes fondly at him.

Dan pours the broth into the pot and they add the celery, carrots, and onions to the pot and add the lid on top while Dan cleans the cutting boards off and starts on cutting the chicken into cubes.

“The problem is,” Phil says hopping on the counter far away enough so he’s not in the way of Dan, “Whenever I come into the kitchen I just get overwhelmed?”

Dan nods, letting him know that he’s listening and to continue.

“I… I don’t know.” Phil sighs. He reaches out for the cup of coffee he made earlier and takes a sip.

“It’s just. When I’d come home, something was made or something was in the process of being made, or we had leftovers that Theo made and it was just always there because he liked to cook.” Phil taps his fingers against the mug.

“Before Theo I always made my meals or went to the cafeteria. I know it sounds stupid. It’s just… you get used to things.” Phil shrugs again, looking down into his mug.

Dan feels a lump in his throat.

“I get it.” Dan looks up at Phil again, “I mean, I don’t get it, but I do understand how it feels to be used to something and then not have that thing anymore.”

Dan seasons the chicken and pours olive oil in a separate pan and waits for it to heat up a little.

“He was a big part of your life. You lived together and had a routine that you were used to- that  _ worked  _ for you. I can’t imagine what it’s like to not have that anymore.” Dan gives him a sympathetic smile, shoving down whatever weird feeling this gives him talking about his ex.

_ They were friends. _

_ Or whatever. _

“It feels good.” Phil says with a small smile.

Dan doesn’t react to that. He places the chicken in the pan.

“Not always,” Phil adds, “—but in the long run I imagine it’ll feel good.”

“Here,” Dan says beckoning him to come to him. “You make the rest. I just started it for you but you can end it.”

When Phil gets off the counter and gets closer, Dan places a hand on his back.

He leaves it there for a second longer before giving him space.

Dan sits on the counter now.

“We used to do this thing a couple times a month with my study group- it was like a potluck in one of our dorms and I always made some pasta dish because that’s pretty much all I knew how to cook. Jacob though—he always made something different each time and it was always really fucking good. The rest of us plebs just stuck to what we knew how to make. I think it’s easy to just stick to what you know even if it’s not a lot, and when we’re forced to change it’s always going to be hard.”

Dan tears at the broken skin on his bottom lip, fingers digging into his palms.

“But you move on as best as you can, and maybe along the way you learn how to make something new.” Dan nods to the soup.

Phil takes a deep breath, stirring the chicken and adding more seasoning.

“Try new things, yeah?” Phil replies.

Dan relaxes his fingers and reaches over to tug on Phil’s hair in response.

“Try new things.”

 

*

 

They’re sitting on Phil’s couch with the laptop sitting on a coffee table playing Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Phil’s choice, as Dan had said he’d only seen the first couple of seasons). Dan holds a throw pillow to his chest while he watches Phil take his first sip of the soup that he made himself. He watches as Phil closes his eyes once it hits. Dan smiles seeing Phil smile. He takes another bite. Phil opens his eyes and nods his head.

“It’s really good.”

Dan’s grin broadens. “It looks really good.”

Phil takes a spoonful. “Open your mouth.”

Dan raises an eyebrow, refraining from making a crude joke. He shakes his head, laughing, and allowing Phil to feed him.

“Probably blow on it first.” Phil says and Dan swears that he sees a slight smirk.

“Yeah?” Dan says in a low voice. He makes it a scene, taking the spoonful of soup. It’s nice and warm going down, and he stares at Phil the entire time. He watches him intensely, his eyes looking at his lips and Dan feels his cheeks heating up and he looks away briefly at the screen before giving Phil a thumbs up.

“It’s really fucking good.”

There’s a lot of things that Dan wants to do right now, he’s so aware of how close Phil is sitting next to him. He takes a deep breath, trying to push whatever he’s feeling down because he didn’t come here to flirt or stare at Phil’s lips or whatever fantasies that are going through his mind right now. He came here to be a  _ friend or whatever _  but it was getting a little bit harder when he wanted to kiss him.

Because.

Because Dan  _ liked _  Phil.

He gulps, pulling his knees up and resting his chin there. He smiles at Phil because of the realisation. He watches Phil eat the rest of his soup. He looks for all the freckles on his face and tries to make dumb constellations out of it because he thinks that sounds romantic. He had known this feeling for a while, thinking back to that time when they held hands and how he still thought of what it would feel like if they just kept doing that and would it could turn into. He thinks of all the light touching and how it would feel to be able to wrap his arms around him, his chin resting on Phil’s shoulder while his hands explore his abdomen, and maybe Phil has a soft stomach and—

“What?” Phil says with a confused laugh.

It breaks Dan out of his trance. He shakes his head.

“Nothing. I’m just. Proud of you.”

It wasn’t a lie. He was proud of Phil. Maybe Dan didn’t know the whole story, and he didn’t know if he really needed to know the full story- but he was proud of Phil and what he had accomplished tonight, even if it was something small. Pushing past his feelings for Phil, he knew how hard it was to do something new after you’ve lost something that was important to you.

Phil smiles again, but his face falls slightly. Dan understood why. It was the same face he made whenever Donna would tell him that he had come a long way, because it was a reminder of what had happened. A reminder that there was something broken.

Dan reaches out to touch his cheek.

“Eat.” Dan says with a soft voice.

“Alright,  _ mum _ .” Phil says sticking his tongue out at him.

“That’s Hayley rubbing off on me.” He says with a shrug, “And because I care about you.”

Dan feels a prick of anxiety with being so honest, afraid of what Phil would say, knowing that it wouldn’t be anything bad, but still being so nervous anyway.  

Phil is quiet for a moment, taking another spoonful of soup before he turns to Dan again.

“I’ve never…” He stops, his mouth twitches and he looks away from Dan and into the bowl of soup.

“It’s nice,” He says, “to feel seen.”

Dan lets out a small breath, not realising that he had been holding it for so long. He nods to Phil, reaching out to tug on a strand of his hair. Dan’s starting to realise that it might actually mean something more to both of them now because of how often they poke each other’s cheek or pull on each other’s hair.

“I see you Phil.”

 

*

 

Phil tells him what it was like growing up in Rawtenstall (Rottenstall). Once upon a time his brother was his best friend and also worst enemy- but not really. He loved his family, everyone seemed to know what they wanted in life and sometimes that made Phil envious or feel inferior to his family.  ( _ I still don’t _ , Phil says after the fact.)

Dan just listens. He could spend all night just listening to the way Phil describes how cold the winters were and how if you didn’t have a car you couldn’t really do a lot of fun things other than maybe going to the store and back. There were a lot of scary country roads and fog that was terrible to drive in.

“Wokingham, too,” Dan says with a small smile. “I used to hate having to driving in it every morning for work.”

“What did you do?” Phil asks, almost too excited.

Dan rolls his eyes. He wants to tell him, _  it’s kind of a funny story but also not really. _

They laugh at how Dan got fired.

Dan tells him about his life before Manchester, it’s easier that way, to just ignore that part of him- even if it was an important part of him. He didn’t know how to talk about it yet without it hurting. He didn’t know if there’d ever be an easy way to talk about it.

When one story about Dan’s childhood ends another one about Phil’s begins. Phil makes popcorn and puts it into the popcorn bowl that he bought. They’re still sitting on the couch, Dan across from Phil, often hiding his face in his arms and shaking his head because of how absolutely ridiculous Phil is.

“You’re cute,” Dan says after a story about Prom and how it didn’t go as expected. He had a balloon as a date.

When midnight hits Dan yawns. They’re still watching Buffy and the conversation has slowed down, only saying things in relation to the show. Dan is an avid watcher, often asking Phil about something that doesn’t make sense and commenting about David Boreanaz because it makes Phil go red every time he does.

“You work tonight?” Phil says with his own yawn.

Dan nods. “Yeah, at two.”

“You must be tired.”

“I am, a little.”

“Come on.” Phil turns his laptop off and helps Dan up to his feet.

“You can sleep in my bed.” He says with a shrug, before quickly adding, “I can crash on the couch.”

Dan’s ears perk up a bit at the sentence, but he doesn’t really read into it as he follows Phil to his bedroom that he’s only glanced at.

Dan looks around Phil’s bedroom. Honestly it’s the most decorated room. He’s got art hanging on the walls, movie and tv show posters, a nightstand, and a dresser that he built with a few books. He’s got the rest of his boxes that haven’t been open yet in the corner. He notices the one that says  **THEO**  on it. Dan tries not to stare too hard at it but Phil notices.

“I was looking at pictures of Olivia.” He explains, like Dan deserves it somehow when he knows that he doesn’t.

Dan just turns to smile at Phil. “You don’t need to explain.”

Dan gets into the bed and pats the empty space next to him.

Phil just looks at him, like maybe he’s trying to see if Dan really means it.

He does. He definitely does.

Phil doesn’t say anything, he just reaches over to turn the lamp on before turning off the big light. Dan grabs his phone out of his pocket and sets an alarm and puts it on the nightstand. The bed dips and when Dan turns Phil is there.

“Hi.” Dan whispers.

“Hi.” Phil whispers back.

Dan is finding it hard to comprehend the fact that he’s laying in the same bed as Phil. He can’t remember the last time he slept with someone- like actually slept with someone. It was one of his favourite activities and it just felt right with Phil (even if he was scared to scooch closer to him).

Phil reaches over to turn off the lamp and suddenly they’re in complete darkness but somehow Dan can still feel Phil’s eyes on him.

“Fun fact about me,” Dan says with a small, comfortable sigh, burrowing himself more underneath the covers. “I’m scared of the dark.”

Phil reaches out to touch Dan’s check but Phil gets the corner of Dan’s lip and it takes everything for Dan to pull away and laugh.

“I can leave the light on.” Phil says moving closer to Dan.  

“No,” Dan says, “I feel safe here.”

Dan doesn’t tell him the significance in that but he thinks that Phil must feel it.

 

*

 

When Dan’s alarm goes off he quickly grabs it from the nightstand as to not wake up Phil. They’re tangled in sheets and Phil is laying right next to him and Dan can feel his legs against his and he smiles to himself. He doesn’t want to leave but he knows that he has to. He gives himself a couple minutes before he quietly sighs, trying to detangle himself from their own cuddle pile.

Dan leaves quietly. He doesn’t like the thought of Phil waking up alone in his bed but he pushes the thought away.

When Dan gets to the bakery Soph has beaten him there.

They get to work measuring the ingredients for the dough with Dan’s playlist in the background. They don’t talk for the first fifteen minutes, and that’s fine with Dan. He had a lot to think about now that he had come to the realisation that he liked Phil. He didn’t know why he was so afraid of the feeling.

He felt guilty, in a way; that feeling never seemed to leave.

“Dan?” Soph says, she’s got a raised eyebrow and stares down at the eggs that Dan is supposed to be dropping in the mixer.

“Sorry.” He says, pouring the eggs in.

“What’s up with you?”

Dan shrugs. “I don’t know. I have a lot on my mind.”

They clean, and then they set down the tables before sitting down waiting for the dough to rise.

“Me too.” Soph says after a while. She’s on her phone, and Dan only glances at her screen.

“Looking to let?” Dan nods to the website she’s on.

“Sort of?” She shrugs closing out of the tab. She rubs her eyes and yawns. “I don’t know. Living with my mum is fine but sometimes it isn’t.”

He winces slightly, understanding that just a little bit.

“There’s just not many places that are open and I can’t afford anything by the cliffs on my own.” She takes a drink of the coffee they made. “So, I’m stuck with my mum but it’s fine.”

Dan gives her a sympathetic smile, thinking of his mum and how she’s meant to come down here soon. He sighs. “I’d offer you somewhere in our flat but there’s only the couch.”

Soph gives him a small smile, shaking her head. “That’s very kind of you.” She looks down at the floor before looking back up at Dan again. “I just need to learn how to talk to my mum again.”

The sentence hits him somewhere. He doesn’t know how to explain it, but he gets it.

“I get that.”

They go back to work in silence, finishing the donuts and icing them before putting them all on trays to take out to the front. Dan turns all the lights on and unlocks the front doors. He waits for the few people that come right when they open, ready to bag their usuals with a cup of coffee.

Hayley comes in at 8:00am with Alex.

“What are you doing here?” Dan says with a smile.

“Just wanted to make sure you didn’t run away last night.” Hayley teases bending down to look at the donuts they made this morning.

“Why would I run away?” Dan raises an eyebrow.

Alex sits down at one of the small tables in the front and is already on her phone.

“I don’t know. You just left abruptly.”

Dan thinks of all the times he’s left the flat without telling anyone, leaving his phone on the bed. He feels bad for having done it too many times in the past.

“Sorry.” Dan says quietly, looking down at the counter.

“S’alright. I want the maple donut please.”

As Dan is bagging up the donut he hears the doorbell ring. He looks up and is surprised to see Phil.

Dan forgets what he’s doing for a second before quickly grabbing the money from Hayley.

“Hey. Fancy seeing you lot here.” Phil jokes with a smirk.

Dan shakes his head at Phil. “Yeah, it’s been a  _ really _  long time.” He can’t help but quip back.

He’s aware of how Hayley and Alex are staring at both of them. Alex drops a quiet, ‘ _ oh _ ,’ as if she finally gets where Dan was last night.  

Hayley sits on the opposite chair of Alex, she tears it in half to give to her before saying anything.

“You could have just said you were with Phil.” Her tone is light, but he expects questions when he gets back to the flat.

“Dan helped me make soup.” Phil says with a shrug, he locks eyes with Dan. He doesn’t know what kind of messaging he’s trying to convey but Dan smiles at him.

Phil buys a sprinkled donut and grabs another chair to sit down with the girls.

“Anyway, I just was planning to drop the stuff we used back at your flat and maybe also use your internet since mine went out this morning?” Phil gives Hayley a cheesy smile. She rolls her eyes bumping her shoulder with his.

Soph walks out front from the back.

“Oh, hiya.” She stands next to Dan.

“That’s fine.” Hayley says, “I’m going to be running errands today.”

Customers come in and Dan slips out of the conversation. Soon Hayley and Alex get up from the table and look like they’re heading out soon. Dan wants to say bye to them but he’s stuck waiting for someone to make up their mind between an old fashioned and a maple bar.

Dan sees that Phil stays though. He’s just on his phone and Dan feels warm inside.

When the customer leaves Dan grabs a cup of coffee and fills it with cream and sugar and sets it down next to Phil. He pulls up a seat, letting himself have a couple of minutes.

“Hi.” Dan pushes the coffee closer.

Phil grabs it, holding it with both hands like it’s some precious thing.

“Hi.” Phil looks up at Dan now. They’re both smiling at each other and it’s hard for Dan to gauge what he’s feeling. He looks better than when he last saw him, maybe all Phil needed was a hot meal and some sleep.

Phil looks down again at the cup before he takes a sip of it. He closes his eyes and he looks content. That’s all Dan wants for Phil.

“Thank you for this. Even if it isn’t my instant coffee.” He jokes and Dan shakes his head reaching over to poke his cheek.

“I’ll let you go. I just wanted to say bye. I’ll see you later?” Phil grabs his backpack off the ground and holds the cup and donut in another hand.

Dan nods. “I’ll see you later. Maybe we can make another meal together.”

Phil just smiles. “I’d like that.”

 

*

 

When it’s closing time Soph starts talking about all their fights and arguments. It just comes pouring out as they sweep and mop the front and taking trash out. Soph looks tired from the day and Dan feels that too. It was just a reminder that all their pain existed in small little boxes that they put them in, trying so hard not to let those feelings out and mix up with whatever else they had going on. Dan could sympathise with her, he just never knew what to say.

“I’ll probably talk about in group therapy tomorrow.” Soph says with a shrug when they’re locking up.

Dan goes stiff for a moment, hearing the lock click before turning around. _Right._   _Tomorrow._

He looks down at the pavement briefly, chewing on his bottom lip.

“You know if you ever want to hang out with someone that isn’t your mum you can always come over to our flat. It’s pretty communal anyway.” He says with a small smile. “We’re taking a trip to Southampton soon. It was to get our friend Phil stuff at Ikea, but he’s pretty much already moved in. I think it’s just an excuse to get out of Bridport for a while.”

Soph smiles and nods. “I’d really like that. Count me in. Or, well, let me know when you plan on going.”

They say goodbye shortly after, Dan knows that Phil is waiting for him back at the flat but he has one more stop to make before he does that.  

 

*

 

Dan forgets how beautiful the view from the church is especially on such a beautiful day. It’s meant to rain later but Dan can appreciate a rare sunny day. He walks past the tombstones, saying a quiet hello to each one that he passes before he’s at the edge of the hill where the benches are sat right underneath a tree. He waits for Donna.

She always finds him. She sits right next to him on the bench with her gloves in her hands and her straw hat. Donna turns to smile at him patting his knee before getting comfortable.

“How are you?” She asks.

“I’m okay.” He says with a nod. He pulls his knees up, resting his chin there taking a deep breath. “I came because of Hayley, actually.”

Donna seems to understand, nodding her head. She takes a deep breath herself before smiling. It’s a sad smile. “Yes. It’s Olivia’s birthday tomorrow.”  

Dan watches a wave crash against a rock in the distance.

“There’s also group therapy tomorrow,” Dan continues, his mouth twitches slightly. “I didn’t know if I wanted to go to it, but I think that I will.”

He didn’t know why he was telling her this.

“That’s good. I know that Hayley would love your support.”

“I want to do something though,” He bites the inside of his cheek. “But I want your help.”

She smiles again. “Of course. What did you have in mind?”

“The other night Hayley and I talked about Olivia. She told me things about her, things that she didn’t want to forget about  _ her _ . I don’t know I’m so hung up on this, but Hayley remembered her favourite colour. Not just that- she remembered the exact  _ shade _  of colour. I… I don’t know why it just—” He stops, taking another deep breath.

“It just stuck with me. I don’t know how to do a lot of things, but I do know how to make donuts, and I know that you used to make themed donuts for different kind of fundraisers and stuff, and this may be a stupid idea, but I just really want to make donuts with the exact shade that Olivia liked for the bonfire tomorrow.” He stops talking now, exhaling that breath and looking away.

Donna doesn’t take a second longer to say, “I think that’s a great idea Dan. It’s very thoughtful.”

“Anyway I was going to go in tonight and try and maybe get some done. I don’t know how many people are going to show up at tomorrow night.” He rubs the back of his neck and looking over at her again.

“I’ll join you. I’ve been finding it hard to sleep lately, I don’t have anything else to do.” She presses an ungloved hand to his cheek and pats it.

He grins, shaking his head because she reminds him of his nana. There’s a heavy weight on his chest thinking this, and it’s been there a while and he didn’t really know what word to use for it, but since Phil said it earlier, he was feeling it too:  _ homesick. _

“What about you, Dan?” Donna says like she can read his mind. “What can we do for you?”

He feels his throat tighten and his words get caught in his throat. “What do you mean?”

“What can we as a group do for you?”

He feels like the walls are closing in on him. He takes another deep breath before he shrugs.

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

_ Nothing really happened to me _ , he wants to tell her.

He thinks that she must understand how uncomfortable he feels because she stands up and wraps her arms around him and Dan can’t help but embrace it.

“I’m going to get back to work in the garden,” she’s starting to walk away before she stops, her fingers pressing against the back of the bench.

“It’s okay to mourn about it Dan. You have the right to feel it. I’ll see you later tonight.”

 

*

 

When Dan gets home, Phil is sitting on the couch with his laptop and his headphones in. He’s nodding along to something, looking very lost in the moment. Dan smiles to himself kicking his shoes off to the side and taking off his coat and walking to his bedroom to place everything on his bed. He changes into something more comfortable to lounge in and plops down next to Phil who barely looks up from his laptop.

He smiles at Dan briefly before holding a finger up. Dan nods, scooting over a bit more to give him the space that he needs before he just gets up.

“Coffee?” he asks.

Phil nods with a thumbs up.

Dan turns the coffee maker on and grabs two cups from the cupboard, watching Phil from the kitchen. He hears a sigh and Dan furrows his eyebrows. He looks away grinding up the beans and grabs a coffee filter.

When Dan finishes making the coffee he sits it on the table and leans back on the couch not wanting to look at what Phil was doing. He grabs the remote and turns the television on and turning the volume down low. He gets distracted for a while, watching some home improvement show, muttering under his breath about wood floors clearly being superior.

_ Becky is kind of an idiot, but I guess love is about compromises and just wanting to make the other happy.  _ It doesn’t hit Dan that he’s been sharing the same space and silence with Phil until there’s a shot of a couple that finally decided on a house and are sitting on their balcony with a beautiful view reading books and drinking coffee.

“I think they should have gone with carpet.” Phil says, taking his headphones out and setting his computer aside.

Dan shakes his head. “Awful. Just awful.”

Phil smiles big, grabbing the blanket and throwing it over both of them.

They sit together, commenting on bad wallpaper decisions, trying so badly to copy the accents that Dan doesn’t realise how much closer they keep getting to each other, Phil is fully against Dan’s shoulder and it was like he was meant to be there. Dan savours how it feels, understanding just a little bit what Hayley and Alex must feel like.

“Hey I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” Phil says, and it catches Dan off guard. He looks at him confused and Phil is looking down at his hands.

“For what?” Dan asks.

“I guess for showing up unannounced? I don’t know if that was embarrassing for you at all but I—I saw how maybe scared or shocked you were with Hayley and Alex? I don’t know.” Phil moves his hand as if he’s brushing it away and Dan feels his heart breaking just a little.

Dan shakes his head. “What? No, I just was surprised,” he stops talking now, biting down on his bottom lip wanting to be as honest as he could be with Phil but knowing that there were just some things that were hard for Dan to verbalise.

When it came to his feelings it was like he just shut down, unable to let someone in because he was afraid. At this point he didn’t know what he was afraid of with Phil—maybe letting him down. Maybe knowing that Phil deserved a whole lot better than what Dan could give him. That had always been the problem with his last girlfriend. He often felt like she was too good for him. She already knew what she wanted with her life and Dan didn’t.

They tried to be long distance, she often came to Manchester but Dan would always be busy studying because he didn’t plan like he should have, and then he started sleeping more and more because of that crushing, overwhelming feeling of being alive made it hard for him to be a functional human being much less a good student and a good boyfriend. He couldn’t be both so he had to pick one, and even then he had failed at that, too. When his girlfriend ended things it was because she got tired of trying to break down his walls only for her to see that he built another one.

He thinks of that now as he stares at Phil, his eyes glancing down to his lips before looking back up again. He shakes his head, pursuing his lips trying to verbalise the words that he wants to say, that he  _ needs  _ to say, because Phil deserves that.

“I’m glad that you’re my _  friend or whatever _ . I just get scared of my permanence in people’s lives.” Dan looks down at his hands now curling his fingers into his palms. “I guess I’m just scared of good things happening to me only for them to be ripped away.”

When he looks up at Phil again all he sees is warmth.

Warmth and understanding and maybe a little bit of something else that Dan doesn’t get quite yet.

Phil leans in and Dan stops breathing only for him to exhale when Phil wraps his arms around him. Dan melts into the hug, wanting to just disappear into it because of how good it feels and how broken Dan felt. Phil runs his hands up and down Dan’s back soothingly, like he’s trying to metaphorically iron out all those wrinkled feelings that Dan feels inside. He doesn’t want it to end. Dan doesn’t want to move from this small safe space that they’ve created where good guys don’t die and where love doesn’t fade away.

“I’ll be your person, Dan.”

Dan gulps, feeling his heart ache at the words.

“I don’t know if you want that,” Dan says, and he laughs that kind of laugh that you do when you don’t want people to know what you’re really feeling ( _ but somehow they always do _ ), “You’ll be getting a very broken version of me.”

Phil holds Dan closer.

“That’s okay.” Phil says. “I’m okay with that.”

 

*

  
  


They make shepherd's pie. It’s a long walk to Lidl to get the ingredients but Dan doesn’t actually mind it this time. It was nice to be able to get some fresh air. Phil was starting to get fatigued editing whatever it was that he was doing. They walked side by side, fingers brushing against the others. Dan wondered what would happen if he were brave enough to just intertwine their fingers like he had been wanting to do.

When they had gotten to the store they split up to get the things they needed on the list that Dan made for both of them. Dan had found Phil in the sweets aisle, staring down at a bag of marshmallows and a flake bar.

“Should we get ice cream to put the flake in?” Dan said with a small smile.

Phil’s eyes widened at the thought and he nodded his head excitedly.

“Alright.” He reached over to tug on a strand of Phil’s hair as they made their way to the frozen section. Dan let Phil pick the ice cream.

He can’t remember the last time he had ice cream and a flake as an adult, but it does bring up a memory with Dan’s childhood—walking the West Bay boardwalk and his nan seeing the ice cream cart and asking if he wanted a 99p ice cream. He’d have to share it with Adrian, it didn’t seem fair at the time despite it being as big as Dan’s head.

When they got back to the flat Hayley and Alex hadn’t made it home yet. He didn’t know what time they were getting back but Hayley had been on his mind.

Dan had spread out all of their ingredients onto the counter and Phil grabbed all the utensils and pots and pans that they needed to make this dish. Dan had played Bright Eyes from his speakers and they shuffled around each other, reading off of Dan’s computer the recipe that they were following from.

It was like they were two tiny pieces of a puzzle slowly working to come together.

That’s what it felt like to Dan anyway.

Dan peels potatoes, Phil cuts the onions. When Dan finishes peeling and cutting the potatoes he helps Phil with the rest of the vegetables. Phil asks how to cut some of the veggies, there’s a warm feeling every time he does.

“I’ve never actually made shepherd’s pie before.” Dan says with a small smile. “It’s our first time making this together.”

Phil looks up with his own smile. “We’re not doing too bad.”

Phil goes on to explain how sometimes Theo hated the fact that Phil tried to stick his nose into everything. Theo would always say that  _ he got it under control _ , that he didn’t mind cooking everything and that Phil could just clean up afterwards if he really wanted to do something.

“When I’d tell him it’s because I wanted to spend time with him he’d just laugh and kiss my forehead and push me away from the kitchen saying that I’m just too clumsy or whatever.” Phil is now dumping the carrots into the onions that are starting to brown in the pan.

“I just think he wanted to avoid spending time with me.” Phil clears his throat in a way that Dan understands.

Dan reaches out to place a hand on Phil’s arm.

“I’m sorry he made you feel that way, Phil.” Dan says, gulping, before adding, “I enjoy spending time with you. It’s definitely not a chore.”

Phil bites on his bottom lip and Dan wants to wrap his arms around him.

“Olivia was his best friend. I mean. She was my best friend, too. But they knew each other first. He introduced Olivia and Hayley to each other. So, it’s…. It’s been an odd afternoon of, well,  _ remembering _ .”

Dan takes a deep breath. “I can imagine.” He squeezes Phil’s arm getting closer to look at how everything was coming along.

“He wasn’t a horrible guy,” Phil says dumping the veggies and meat into the baking tray. “He just wasn’t right for me.”

“You’re right,” Dan says with a pause, “He wasn’t right for you. He’s still an asshole, but… I get it.” Dan reaches out to poke Phil’s cheek.

Phil smiles, shaking his head.  “Now what, chef?”

Dan turns to look at the recipe. “Now we spread the mashed potatoes on top and bake it for about 30 minutes.”

They both push the pie into the oven and watch it for a second.

“It’s like I’m sending my son away to college.” Phil says with a laugh.

Dan rolls his eyes and pushes Phil gently.

They sit down on the couch and go back to watching home improvement shows before he hears Phil clear his throat.

“So, the thing I was working on earlier. It wasn’t work related. Um. I made something for Hayley. I was just going to put it on a flash drive and set it on her bedside table… but I guess I want to know what you think?” Phil pulls up his last project on his computer, it’s called  **OLIVIA.**

Dan feels his throat tightening. Phil looks at him and Dan nods for him to press play.

It starts with laughter, and a warm embrace. It feels like a memory Dan has lived before and he’s experiencing the feeling through someone else’s eyes. He watches a younger, more colourful, vulnerable Hayley wrap her arms around a lover with equally colourful, vibrant hair. Dan smiles, hearing Phil in the background laughing saying that this wasn’t part of his film project.

 

_ Oh, bugger off Phil. We’re having fun. _

 

Dan watches Olivia and Hayley grow older in the clips. Phil’s got everything in this video. All the times they hung out, all the times they went to festivals and pride. All the times that they got drunk at one of their flats, all the laughter and all the tears. It’s like watching a movie- except this actually happened and Dan gets so swept away in it that he doesn’t realise he’s watching Hayley propose to Olivia until it’s over. When Hayley gets up from proposing there’s laughter and a quiet, ‘ _ Well done _ ,’ from Phil in the background.

_ “I love you both,” _  He can hear Theo say, he watches as Theo comes into the frame to hug Olivia and Hayley.

Dan feels his throat tighten again. He reaches out to hold Phil’s hand. There’s still a few clips left. Olivia exists for just a little bit longer.

_ “Where are we going today, Liv?”  _ Phil asks. They’ve all got raincoats and wellies on, and from what Dan can see they’re in the woods. She’s carrying a backpack and holding onto Hayley’s hand.

_ “We’re going on an adventure.”  _ She says with a dimpled smile, throwing her pink hair back to look towards the sky.

_ “An adventure where?”  _ Phil laughs.

Olivia shrugs, looking right into the camera.  _ “I don’t know. I guess we’ll figure it out when we get there.” _  She places a hand over the lens and you can hear her laugh and then it ends.

Dan doesn’t realise his hands are shaking until Phil holds them with both of his. He’s looking at Dan to see if he’s okay or maybe of what he thought. Dan stares at the black screen now. It was just tiny clips of a life they all had collectively lived together as partners, best friends, and Dan would go as far to say, as a family. He didn’t know that Hayley or that Phil, but he felt honoured knowing that Phil had trusted him enough to see something as intimate and as real as that.

Dan takes a deep breath, “I thought it was beautiful,” he stops to think for a moment before continuing, “I can understand how hard it would be to leave all of that.”

Phil’s smile is small. He’s loading everything on the flashdrive.

“When Olivia died,” he stops, his voice drops and it cracks, but Phil closes his eyes to push through it, “When Olivia died, it kind of put us all in limbo. Like we didn’t know what to do. Because we functioned as a group together, and then with Olivia gone it was like we didn’t know how to be friends.”

Phil doesn’t look finished, so Dan stays quiet.

“I think I completely stopped eating for a brief period because I just… I don’t know. It was like everything kind of stopped, and I kind of unintentionally let myself go. We didn’t see Hayley because she came here, and I didn’t see Theo even though we lived together. I fell really behind at work and Theo started to see  _ him _  more and more and then it got to a point where we didn’t know who we were anymore, and then the funeral happened. Time kind of stopped when the funeral happened, Hayley gave a really brief speech, and they asked me to do a memorial video, but I couldn’t. It just hurt too much to touch or go near.”

Dan moves his hands out of Phil’s so he can intertwine them.

“So, I guess, this video was just. I don’t know—a sorry for letting Hayley, Olivia, and everyone who cared about her down… My way of letting her go without forgetting her.”

Dan feels like all the words he’s been dying to say getting caught in his throat. They so badly wanted to escape like a bird that needed to be released. He has to look away from Phil for a moment, just to gain some composure, afraid that all of his fears were just so raw and laid bear for Phil to see and he didn’t know if he was ready for that. Not yet.

“I didn’t know her,” Dan says with a soft, low voice, “But I think she would have liked this. I don’t think you let her or anyone else down, Phil.”

Phil looks away from Dan for a moment before taking a deep breath. “Thank you.”

“Come on. Let’s go check on our son in the oven and watch some bad reality tv.”  

Dan gets up from the couch and he’s still holding onto Phil’s hand when they enter the kitchen. They both bend down to look into the oven and Dan opens it and presses a fork to it.

“I think that’s ready.” He says with a smile looking up at Phil.

Dan lets go of his hand and grabs the oven mitts to take it out and let it cool off. Phil grabs plates from the cupboard and makes them both ribenas.

They sit on the couch and Dan flips through the channels to find some kind of thing they can laugh at because they need it.

“This is so good.” Phil says with a content sigh. Dan can’t help but grin big.

“See. You’re not useless.” Dan bumps his shoulder against Phil.

Dan turns his head back to the television. He enjoys Phil’s company, sitting in silence, eating a dish that they made together.

It’s then that at the corner of his mind that he thinks of Jacob. He also thinks of Olivia who has somehow wiggled her way into Dan’s heart, and he had never even met her. The way that people love people who are gone is infectious and it spreads, and it breaks things down. The only way to heal a broken heart is to open it up again, and fix what’s been broken so it can heal properly.

Phil laughs at the telly and it brings Dan back to reality.

“I’m making donuts later tonight with Donna, if you want to come learn a new thing.” Dan says when they’ve finished eating.

They’re washing the dishes now and putting the leftovers in containers.

“You work tomorrow?” Phil asks.

Dan shakes his head. “No. It’s… I’m making something special for Hayley and the bonfire.”

Phil’s face softens. “Yeah. I’ll join you. I’ll need a nap first.”

Dan snorts. “Alright old man. Let’s finish this and we can nap.”

Phil shakes his head pushing Dan. “Actually shut up.”

When everything’s washed and put away Dan turns the telly off but leaves the light on for Hayley and Alex. He opens the door to his bedroom and moves all the unnecessary shit off the bed. He then looks in his closet for spare shirt and pyjama pants for Phil handing it to them.

“In our bathroom there’s like a drawer that has never been opened toothbrushes for guests.” Dan says with a small smile. Phil looks down at the clothes and then to the bed before he nods.

Dan gulps. When Phil walks out he quickly changes and gets under the covers his back against the wall. He takes a deep breath staring up at the ceiling at all the lines he’s counted and tried to find an end to, he’s thought of Phil like this, and the fact that he would be soon sleeping in his bed overwhelms him but it’s not the first time, it’s just the fact that Dan doesn’t let people in. Both in his room and in his heart and this meant something for him. It meant he trusted Phil.

Right on cue, Phil walks back into the room and closes the door. He sets his clothes down and then finds his way under the covers. Dan had already set an alarm for them to wake up.

Phil reaches up to turn the light off and there they laid in the darkness. Dan can only see faint lines on the ceiling from the reflection of the moon. He can hear Phil turn and Dan wants to turn with him but he stays on his back, hands on chest and trying to remember how to breathe.

“Thanks, Dan.” Phil whispers.

Dan smiles briefly. “I don’t know what you’re thanking me for.”

Phil shifts again, getting closer to Dan.

“For everything.”

 

*

 

Dan finds it hard to fall asleep. He can hear Phil snoring next to him. They’re so close, practically cuddling and Dan doesn’t mind, its nice, actually. It’s just he was scared and anxious about everything. He didn’t want to leave this bed and go for a walk because the person he wanted to talk about all of this stuff was already here. How could he talk about someone who was already in his bed?

He lets out a small breath, pulling the covers up to keep warm. He hears the door open and then he hears Hayley and Alex talking quietly.

“Phil’s here.” Alex says with a small yawn and he thinks he can hear them kicking off their shoes.

He doesn’t quite catch what Hayley says but he hears his name.

They’re gone now, back to Hayley’s room where they’ll sleep the rest of the night, leaving Dan alone again with his thoughts.

Dan tries to follows the lines that he can see, listening to the sound of the soft rain outside his window and the occasional headlights that drive through a sleepy little town. He thinks of all the imaginary places that he’d want to take Phil. He thinks of all the imaginary places where Jacob could exist. In these imaginary places they are friends, in these imaginary places Dan knows his favourite shade of colour and what movie makes him laugh the most and what kind of thoughts keep him up at night.

Somewhere, in this imaginary space, they are in Manchester, sitting on one of the benches near the Lowry, they’ve been friends for a very long time now and Jacob gives him advice on what to do about university. Dan thanks him and they watch people walk across the light up bridge.

And then, Dan’s alarm goes off.

He reaches over to grab his phone and Phil moves under the blankets more making a groaning sound.

“I know.” Dan says with a yawn.

“How long of a nap was that?” Phil asks, peeping one eye to look at Dan.

“Almost four hours?”

“Damn.” Phil says before sighing. “Okay.” He sits up in Dan’s bed and his hair is kind of everywhere and Dan smiles. He gets up too and reaches over to try and smooth his hair out.

“Let’s make some coffee and go.”

Phil grabs his clothes and heads to the bathroom while Dan pulls a sweatshirt over his pyjama shirt and then jeans off the ground. He needs to do laundry, he feels like he thinks this every time he gets dressed, but it’s getting dire at this point.

Dan turns the coffee maker and slowly works his way around the kitchen. Phil joins him and leans against him. Dan pats his head letting him have this tiny little moment together.

“The travel mugs are behind you,” Dan says as he grinds up the beans.

Phil grabs them and places it right next to Dan.

“You know if you had instant coffee—”

“It’s too early, don’t start with your instant coffee bull.” Dan says with a wide grin.

Phil laughs quietly.

“Fine. If you want me to stay over more I better see some instant coffee in your cupboards.”

“I will make note of that.  _ Maybe. _ ” Dan shrugs.

When the coffee is finished and Phil pours in half a bottle of creamer into his coffee they walk to the bakery.

“I don’t think I’ve ever baked anything. Maybe as a kid some cookies with my mum. She always liked to bake cakes for fun and for relatives birthdays.” Phil takes a sip of his coffee.

Dan smiles, thinking of a young Phil trying to make cookies with his mum.

“My nana and I used to make banana bread together. I think it’s the only banana bread that I like, too.” He wasn’t the best listener, whenever she’d tell him an ingredient he either went overboard with it or it just flew right past him.

“Then my brother got older and I just made fun of him fucking up the recipe when they’d try to make it.” Dan says with a laugh.

“Well it’s your right as an older brother, yeah?”

Dan nods, smiling down at the pavement. It kind of hurts, talking about his nana and brother. He’d never tell them to their face that he misses them, but he does. He can’t remember the last time he really talked to them after all the promises saying that he would. He misses the old memories, the nostalgia of waking up in the morning to pancakes already made and a list of groceries they’d have to get at the store for whatever thing they planned on baking next.

“I miss home,” Dan says quietly, “A little bit.”

It felt good to say it out loud, to let it be out into existence for someone else to hear other than himself because he knows that Phil would understand. He briefly looks towards him and Phil smiles and nods.

“I understand that. I miss my mum like crazy. I just want to give her a hug and have her tell me that everything will be alright.”

Dan winces slightly. It’s a memory, a very distant one, it almost doesn’t seem real. When Dan had finally gone to his dorm after the incident he had sat on his bed and called his mum. She sounded busy and there were people talking in the background. He didn’t know if he was saying actual words when he told her that there had been a stabbing at his university.

When she asked him if he was okay he told her yes, but his classmate died. Someone he knew had died. She said that it was a shame that it happened but she was glad that he was okay and to try and get some sleep.

He thinks that’s where the resentment started. He couldn’t hate his mum for not understanding, he couldn’t be mad at her for not getting it because he never really told her how it made him feel. It’s just, he thinks, it would have been nice to have her there.

But Dan picked a school that was far away because he didn’t want her to be near him. He didn’t want anyone to be near him.

“Yeah,” Dan says with a sigh. “I want that too.”

Dan takes a drink of his coffee.

Donna beats them to the bakery, she’s got everything prepared for them to start. There’s a few other people just arriving who are actually there for work. Dan, Donna, and Phil take up a small part of the kitchen for their little project since they’re not making many, just a few for group therapy and then the bonfire.

“Hi there!” Donna greets them with a tired smile, her arms open for hugs. “Let’s wash our hands and get started.”

Dan gets working on the dough, showing Phil their process on how they make it and how long it normally takes them. It’s kind of nice, being able to know what he’s actually talking about it, reminds him that he was once being given this tour on how to make donuts and asking so many questions about it because it confused him.

Donna chimes in every once in a while, because she’s more passionate about it. She’s the definition of pouring love into each donut. Dan smiles, nodding for Phil to pour the eggs into the mixer.

“Dump all of them in?” Phil is cautious and looking alarmed.

Dan laughs. “Yeah, just pour them all in there.”

Phil watches the dough and eggs mix, memorised by it all. Dan can’t blame him. He brings all their dirty dishes to the sink and starts getting to work on that while Donna explains how they’re going to do the glaze and trying to get the perfect colour that’s at least close to Olivia’s shade of pink.

Dan listens to their conversation. Olivia had been here before, in Bridport, when they’d come down to visit Donna, she said that the bakery felt like a home away from home because of how warm it was in here, and how she curated all the local art on the wall. Donna loved her.

Dan feels a tiny bit of grief in knowing that he’ll never meet her.

He works around some of the other employers, he feels bad not knowing all of them by name but he does their dishes for them in hopes that it’ll make it better since they are using half of the kitchen.

“I want to look at the fryer,” He hears Phil says and he smiles shaking his head. He washes his hands again and heads back to them. Donna is giving him a tour of the bakery while they wait for the donuts to rise and proof.

Dan takes his speakers out and sets up his Bright Eyes playlist and Phil turns around and smiles at Dan. They hold eye contact for a moment before he turns back to listen to Donna. He takes a deep breath, turning the volume up and walking towards them.  

“So. Why donuts?” Phil asks.

Donna smile is bright, but maybe a little jaded by a question that may be too complex to answer.  

“Well, it was something that my mum loved to make because her mum loved to make it. She had a recipe that was passed down to her that was eventually passed down to me, that I passed down to my kids and Hayley.”

Dan smiles.

“I always wanted a bakery I just didn’t know if I’d ever do it.” She stares at Dan now and he smiles back, nodding.

“I’m ready.” Dan says.

Phil looks towards the two of them, and Donna laughs gently.

“I said I was going to tell him the origin story of this bakery someday when he was ready—when I was ready. I suppose that time is now, yeah?” She tucks her hair behind her ears.

“My husband and I were living in America because of his job. We had been there for about half a year, we had a cute little house, our first daughter had already started preschool at the time. I was still looking for a place to hire me, so I had a lot of alone time which was actually quite nice. We lived by a lot of corner stores, I needed to pick up some groceries for that night's dinner. I had gone prior to the bookstore and bought some flowers, it was a lovely day,” she doesn’t look at them when she says her story, she looks down at her fingers and when she does look up, she stares straight.

Dan feels a knot in his stomach. He had heard only of the trauma after, of course his nana knew but she was pretty good at keeping secrets- having many of her own. Dan bites on his bottom lip, and when she finally does look at them she’s got a sad smile.

“It started as a lovely day,” Her voice quivers slightly. “When I got to the corner store I was just in the back aisles, I don’t really even remember what I was looking for, I heard bickering near the front but I didn’t really pay attention to it, just minded my own business. I remember cursing myself for not grabbing a basket so I was going to go upfront to do that and then I was met with a man holding a gun. He saw me and he grabbed me and held it to my face. I’d never seen a gun before. Only in the movies. So. I froze.”

_ Fuck. _  Dan thought. He digs his fingers into his palms, he can’t look at her right now.

“I thought, ‘ _ I’m going to die in here, _ ’ so I started to pray. I don’t really remember much after. I just knew that someone was badly injured, there was a lot of blood because someone died. It wasn’t me, but it could have been me. It took me a really long time to figure out why he pointed the gun at my face, I didn’t understand it and I don’t think I ever will.”

“Shortly after what happened we moved back. I was fine for a while. We had another kid, and only after our second daughter was born did it start to get bad again. The paranoia and the trauma that it caused came when my second daughter started at school. I would think of all the worst outcomes and I’d pick both my kids up and take them home. I thought about homeschooling, but I wasn’t mentally ready for that. There would be days when I would just lay in bed and not get up. I had terrible nightmares, which led to terrible headaches and back pains among other things. I wasn’t eating and then I was overeating. It was like that for years. My kids had only known this very paranoid version of their mum because I didn’t know how to give them more than that.”

Dan looks to Phil who looks as shocked as Dan is. He takes a deep breath, reaching out to offer his hand to Donna who takes it gladly with her own. Her hands are warm and sturdy, and Dan fully understands just how much she’s been through. He gets it now. He didn’t really get it before but it all makes sense.

“So, like I told Dan, I got tired of carrying it. It took up too much space,” She looks at Dan with her soft smile, and Dan feels that guilt again, that lump in his throat that never really seemed to go away.

“I started to bake. It was just recipes that I remembered as a kid, and then my daughters started to do it with me because it seemed to be one of the only things that got me out of my shell. Then I remembered how much I loved baking those donuts with my mum and then that became the only thing I made. We used to send my daughters away with containers full of them for her classmates, and when Hayley went off to university I’d send them to her too.” She looks at Phil who has a big smile on his face.

“I remember that.” Phil says with a nod. “It was like Christmas but better.”

She laughs, shaking her head. “You’re too kind.”

“Now we have this place, and that’s why we have a lot of people coming in and out of here all the time.” She squeezes Dan’s hands and he smiles but it fades as he looks down at the ground.

“I’m sorry that happened to you.” Dan says quietly. He doesn’t know what else to say, because sometimes nothing can really be said.

“It’s okay.” She shrugs, “I still have that paranoia but I found healthier ways to cope with it. Things just take time and being surrounded by people you love who try and understand makes all the difference.”

Dan looks up. “Did you ever wonder about the guy that died?”

Her face changes briefly, it falters for only a second.

She nods slowly. “All the time.”

She takes another breath, thinking over what she’s going to say next. “I had a lot of… survivor's guilt. That’s the word my therapist at the time used. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to feel the way I feel, and that was half of the reason why I isolated myself to begin with.”

Dan feels an ache in his chest that spreads throughout his entire body.

“It wasn’t my fault it happened. I shouldn’t have had the gun pointed at me and that man shouldn’t have died.”

Dan thinks,  _ it was an isolated attack. _

Dan thinks,  _ Jacob wasn’t supposed to die. _

Dan thinks,  _ I just missed him. _

“It wasn’t your fault,” Dan agrees and he squeezes her hand, “You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Donna gives him a kind smile squeezing his hand back.

She nods, “So were you.”

Dan feels exposed, like the blanket that he tried to wrap himself in got taken away and now he’s just here left in the cold and he’s shaking. Dan takes a small breath and he looks back down at the floor.

“Yeah,” he says, slowly letting the breath out, “I guess I was.”

Phil places a hand on Dan’s arm and it brings him back here, in the bakery, and he remembers what they’re here to do.

“Thank you for telling us your story.” Dan says with a small smile.

Donna hugs him, and he finds it very hard to let go.

 

*

 

It takes a couple tries to get the shade of pink, Dan didn’t think it would be this hard but it was rewarding when they finally nailed it. They had set them out on a cooling rack grabbing boxes and putting them to side to set the donuts in later.

It’s early morning now, Dan had opened the back door to a dark blue sky, the sun hasn’t woken up yet but secretly it was his favourite time of day right before the sunrise. There was a nice breeze, no rain, and a little bit cloudy. It made him feel nostalgic for a time once before, when he’d wake up before everyone else during their holidays here and he’d try his best to quietly make coffee but he’d end up skipping it and going outside to walk on the cliffs and look out at the ocean, so big and beautiful and mysterious.

He smiles to himself, breathing in the fresh sea air that carries from West Bay.

Phil stands next to him, their fingers brush each others and Dan holds his pinky before he slowly lets go. He looks up at the sky and sees a flock of birds flying over them. He takes a deep breath, they talked about a lot within the span of three hours. 

Dan looks over at Donna who’s talking to some of the other employees, doing her daily check in of kind words and warm hugs. Dan feels so tired. Today was going to be a long day.

Phil opens his mouth to say something but then he closes it, shaking his head.

Dan raises an eyebrow and Phil shrugs.

Maybe someday he’ll find the words to say, Dan thinks, and he nods his head understanding.

He doesn’t know what he was going to say but he gets it.

Phil bites his bottom lip now, staring back up at the sky and watching as the last bird flies by.

“I’m sad.” Phil says.

Dan feels the lump in his throat again.

“Me too.”


	4. 003.

**00.**

 

Dan’s experience with death was small. It affected him like it would affect anyone who knew someone that died. He felt awful, he cried about it, he mourned, and then like with most things, time heals all wounds and he’ll remember them every now and then. Death, for Dan, was just the circle of life and he’d move on from it like he moved on from everything.

Now, he thinks, that’s complete bullshit.

Jacob’s death was violent, quick, and never should have happened in the first place. It was violent because of how deep that knife had gone into his abdominal aorta, Dan wouldn’t understand what any of that meant until much later, but he won’t ever forget how he froze seeing people running away from the scene or frantically calling 999 while trying to figure out what to do about all the blood, he can still remember someone yelling into the phone that they don’t know if he was still breathing. It was quick in the way that the man had just left like smoke in the wind never to be seen again—did he know that he just killed someone’s son, someone’s friend, someone’s partner, someone’s father? Dan would spend most of his nights staring at a ceiling with its cracked lines wondering if Jacob ever crossed that man’s mind. It never should have happened in the first place because Jacob was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and no one would ever be the same because of it. 

Dan knew him.

Dan ran to him.

There was so much screaming and his hands were shaking but he touched him, holding his hand to let him know that someone he knew was there with him. He didn’t know if this would be his last moments or if he already had them. Dan can’t remember if he said anything to him, he doesn’t think so. Amidst all the chaos Dan gave him a quiet ending while the world around them fell apart.

He didn’t go home after that.

**003.**

_ “They’re biodegradable.” _

Dan has been staring at the white paper sky lantern sitting in front of him. They’re supposed to be writing down someone’s name or something in memoriam for the people that they’ve lost but Dan doesn’t really feel at one with his body at the moment. He didn’t realise how coming back to group therapy would take all of his energy, but he just had to explain to a group of people (some he remembered, some who were new to him) about Jacob and it was never easy having to awkwardly explain why he was there.

“Dan,” Hayley says, shoving his arm.

Dan snaps out of it, noticing a small sharpie streak on his paper lantern. He looks up at Hayley now with a raised eyebrow. “What?”

“I said they’re biodegradable.” She smiles slightly, looking down at her lantern. She’s doodled pink hearts and written down a quote that Dan doesn’t quite understand.

Dan laughs. “Proud of you.”

For such a heavy day, Hayley has been in good spirits. When he had gotten back from the bakery she was up and drinking coffee on the couch with Alex by her side, resting against her. They were watching Friends together.

They didn’t ask why Dan had gone into the bakery. They all had reasons for why they didn’t sleep at night.

Soph had come in late with the box of cerise pink donuts and placed it on the coffee table. She had pulled up a chair next to Dan, saying  _ hello and how are you feeling today? _  To Hayley.

“We’re supposed to be writing something to the people we’ve lost.” Dan explains, putting the cap back on his sharpie.

“You’ve written something quite deep.” Soph points out, laughing at the sharpie mark.

“Shut up.” Dan says with another laugh.

Soph grabs a paper lantern and a sharpie and she sighs.

“Yeah,” Dan says, “Me too.”

Dan looks at Hayley now who’s writing what looks like to be a letter of some sort. He doesn’t want to read what she’s writing, he doesn’t need to know that but it seems like a good idea. Dan feels a lump in his throat now, thinking of all the things he wanted to say but couldn’t say- or didn’t know how to say.

He bites down on his bottom lip, shaking his head at how ridiculous this project was. It shouldn’t be this hard but it was. How do you write about someone that you barely knew?

Their group therapist, Marsha, keeps walking around each table, asking questions about the things they were writing down and what the significance of a word or quote that they were putting on their lantern.

“Are you having trouble figuring out what to write?” Marsha gives him a small smile, looking down at the progress he hasn’t made.

“Yeah.” Dan says, tapping his pen against the table. “I’ll figure it out.”

Marsha nods her head, patting his shoulder and then moves on to Hayley.

“Writing her a letter, yeah?”

“Sort of,” Hayley says with a shrug. “I’m just letting her know that I’m thinking of her. She already knows how I feel about her.”

Dan notices the word,  _ Happy birthday _ , written on there with a pink balloon drawn next to it.

Dan closes his eyes and thinks of what he would say to Jacob if he were here.

_ Sorry. _

What a stupid thing to write. So, he put the pen down and stopped trying to force himself to think of something and instead just listened to what other people were saying to Marsha. It had been so long since he had heard from a lot of these people. When he left he did it without a trace. He never left a paper trail, no one other than really Hayley missed him and his presence.

A lot of people lost a family member unexpectedly, but there were some, like Hayley and Dan, who had lost someone in a tragic way and he suspected that they were having a hard time figuring out what to write, too. There isn’t a gentle way to write about a death that ended violently, all you have is the leftover pieces and trying to figure out what to do with them.

He’s thinking back to his first group therapy session.

_ My name is Dan. I’m twenty-one years old from Wokingham. I went to uni in Manchester. My friend died. _

He’d stop after that, and Marsha would prompt him to continue, and that he was doing so well and he was so brave for talking about it. Everyone around the circle had already shared and Dan was the last person to talk about himself.

_ He was stabbed, I just missed him, I guess. _

Someone during the first session had said they heard about the stabbing. Dan thinks most of England did, it was all over the news. While stabbing was one of the most common act of violence it being at a university was pretty big news and shocking. 

_ Isolated attack  _ was thrown around a lot because it wasn’t stabbing just for the sake of it, there were clear intentions and motives, but Jacob wasn’t the one. He was just there at the wrong time. He was just in the way. It makes Dan stomach churn thinking that Jacob was just someone that the person threw away because he was in  _ his _  way. He wasn’t meant to die.

Pictures of Jacob’s kid surfaced and it wasn’t fair. She wasn’t even old enough to understand what any of this meant and her photos were being spread around for people to mourn over. Dan grips onto his pen tight.

Dan went to only a couple more sessions after that, when they started group activities is when Dan stopped going altogether. They were really effective. It got people talking. _  Art and writing were the keys to the soul _ , or whatever Marsha said. Dan didn’t believe in souls, and at the time, he didn’t really want to believe in Marsha.

He thinks that’s maybe why he’s struggling so hard with this project.

If he were to let himself be free with it he thinks that he might never stop.

Marsha, like she can sense that he’s thinking about her, walks over to him again and smiles.

“I’m really glad to see you. I wanted to tell you that earlier.”

Dan smiles at her and nods.

“I came for Hayley.” He says poking her with his pen.

Hayley smiles at Dan shaking his head.

“I missed you being here.” Hayley replies with a shrug.

“Sometimes even the most simplest of statements can be enough.” Marsha says walking away again.

“She’s telling you to stop overthinking it.” Hayley bumps Dan. “I’m just writing down my facts about Olivia. Whenever I’d see these lanterns as a kid I imagined there was some alien out there that grabbed a hold of one. It’s silly to think that now but you know, if by chance there is one, he’d know all about her and I think that’s just nice to think about.”

Dan smiles at the thought of some alien just looking down on earth and they see this thing floating up towards it and just grabbing the lantern.

“Maybe it would give the aliens hope that we’re not a completely horrible race—that we’re capable of feeling empathy for others instead of destroying each other.” He says with a shrug.

“God, you’re gonna make me feel existential. I don’t need to be thinking about that.” Hayley says with a snort.

“You brought it up.”

“Yeah, as a throwaway thought, Dan.” She laughs again but starts to draw an alien on the lantern.

Hayley believed that Olivia followed her everywhere she went, that somehow she was still listening.

Dan sighs quietly, grabbing his sharpie again and taking off the cap.

“I’m apologising to my nan,” Soph says to Dan. “I dunno. I don’t see the point in all of this but I’m apologising anyway.”

“Apologising for what?” Dan asks.

Soph stops writing for a second.

“During the last couple months of her life I was going out a lot. My mum was the one that was taking care of her, and she needed my help. It was just too hard to watch her die, so I went out just so I wouldn’t have to be home. I think that maybe that’s why my mum and I have such a complicated relationship now. I don’t blame her. But it’s like… I don’t know. I feel so selfish and guilty not spending as much time as I could have been with my nan and my mum.

Watching your mum lose her mum isn’t easy, because then you have to take care of your mum and I felt like I was just a kid. I don’t know. I’m mourning my nan and my relationship with my mum.” Soph takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out.

Dan feels a pull on his heart, one that he always feels when someone tells him something like that. He had heard so many stories the last year and a half it felt overwhelming knowing that he couldn’t do anything about it.

“Sorry to hear that, Soph.” Dan reaches out and squeezes her hand.

Hayley reaches behind Dan and squeezes her shoulder.

Marsha observes them from afar and nods to Dan.

“It’s okay, Dan.” Soph says with a small smile. “We all have our shit.”

Dan nods, looking down at his lantern.

_ Sorry. _

Dan writes.

_ I would have liked to have been your friend. _

Dan doesn’t know what else to write. So he stops and sets his pen down and he waits for group therapy to finish.

And when it does, he gets the donuts off of the coffee table and gives Hayley the first one and she almost cries seeing the shade of pink that Donna, Phil, and Dan worked on hours earlier. She hugs him and tells him that she’s glad that she knows him.

For such a hard day, it felt like things would be okay.

Dan is left with an empty box and many ‘ _ Thanks _ ’ and ‘ _ I’ll see you tonight _ ’ from the group of people.

Dan and Hayley walk to the bus stop and he gets his phone out to text Phil.

 

_ group therapy was rough but everyone liked the donuts.  
_ _ we were meant to do this exercise with the paper lanterns that hayley ordered for the group, i brought one for you if you wanted to write something before we fly them tonight _

 

He sticks his phone back in his pocket and looks down at his lantern.

 

_ Sometimes even the most simplest of statements can be enough.  _ He thinks as he stares down at what he wrote.

 

Jacob deserved more, but Dan didn’t know how to give him that.

Phil texts back right away.

 

_ I would love that. Thank you for thinking of me. _

 

Dan wants to tell him, _  I’m always thinking of you. _

 

*

 

Dan holds Hayley’s hand the entire way home.

He thinks of how hard it was for him in the beginning to get used to the fact that there were people in his life that were very affectionate with him, and Hayley and Alex had always gave affection to him when they thought that he needed it the most. This was one of those times where Hayley needed it. He smoothed his thumb over her hand and she looked at him with warmth and sadness in her eyes.

“Thanks for coming with me.” She says in a small voice. “I know that you don’t really like group therapy.”

Dan shrugs his shoulders. “You would go to the ends of the earth for me.”

She smiles this time. “This is true. Even if you’re an asshole.”

Dan looks offended, squeezing her hand gently.

“That’s damn rude.”

Hayley laughs shaking her head leaning into Dan. “I’m kidding. You’re just reserved. We all can’t be a ball of light like me.”

Dan rolls his eyes but he doesn’t disagree with that statement. Hayley was light. Alex was light. Phil was light.

Dan felt like he was a shadow of an eclipse.

“Would you go back to group therapy?” Hayley asks.

Dan looks out the window now thinking it over.

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

Hayley nods. “I get it. You’re not ready.”

Dan wants to sigh. The amount of times he’s heard and thought of not being ready breaks his heart. He knows that it must break everyone else’s too. He was constantly running away from his own feelings and emotions, leaving his problems on his back and pretending like it didn’t weigh him down and hurt him. Because once it’s been there long enough you get used to it. He got used to it.

Being back at group therapy reminded him of all the potential he could have had of getting better if he stuck to it. That wasn’t to say that group therapy was the end all—it’s just there were people that could help that could understand what he was going through if he let them. Dan didn’t want to let anyone in, because that meant they’d get close to him and that led to a lot of anxiety that Dan didn’t know how to deal with. He was afraid, and he didn’t understand what he was really afraid of. Maybe the knowledge that they could die too.

It was inevitable—death was inevitable. He knew that.

“I have a hard time letting people in,” Dan says with a shrug. “I think that’s always been my problem. I’m scared of my own emotions, I think.”

Hayley squeezes his hand and takes a deep breath herself.

“But you connected well with Phil.” Her voice is light, and she’s looking at him like she’s almost scared to bring it up. “Sorry, you don’t have to tell me anything I just…. Been noticing.”

Dan shakes his head. “You’re fine.”

He bites his lip now.

“Phil is like….” he stops, trying to think of the words that best describe him. “Coming up for air. Or, no, it’s like being around him makes everything else easy. He gets me out of my head.”

Hayley smiles like she knows a secret.

“That’s how I felt about Alex, you know. I mean, she was my best friend, and then, I slowly started to fall for her and it scared me, but as cheesy as it sounds, she caught me.” She scrunches her nose at the last part but she kind of laughs. “I don’t know how close you were to your friend, I don’t know your history, but it’s okay to let people in. I know you’ve probably been told that a thousand times. Phil is a good guy who’s been through a lot within a short amount of time and I think it could be a good thing, whatever it is that you two are to each other because it looks like you help each other out a lot.”

“He’s my friend, or whatever.” Dan says with a small smile.

“ _ Or whatever _ ,” She says with a nod.

“I’m glad you have each other,” Hayley says, “People need people.”

Dan leans his head against Hayley’s shoulders as they stare out the window together.

 

*

 

Phil tells Dan his last memory of Olivia in his room. They’re sitting on Dan’s bed with criss crossed legs, Phil with his paper lantern laying on his knee and sharpie in other hand. He’s been staring down at it much like Dan had in the beginning.

Except, Phil’s question is,  _ How do you write about someone who you knew so well? How you do convey how they made you feel? _

Dan knows that Phil’s loss is many, but he doesn’t know exactly how until he starts to tell him what was going on near the end of Olivia’s life.

“Theo and I were already starting to drift. He was gone a lot, and Hayley and Olivia would come over just to keep me company and try and help our situation the best they could. But they were just engaged and they felt like they were throwing it in my face. They weren’t—but that’s how they felt. I was happy for them. We all were. Hayley worked a lot though and Olivia was figuring out what she was doing so she came over just by herself.

She brought frozen dinners for us to heat up, we watched a movie and made coffee. I remember she kept on moving her ring around her finger, like she wasn’t used to the fact that it was there and she’d smile down at it every time she’d see it. Olivia was like, no one I had ever known, I feel like we say that a lot about the people who have passed, but she was special. She was the kind of person you wanted to be friends with because of how you felt around them. She just made you feel loved and like you were the only human in the world.

She told me that I deserved to be happy and that she was proud of me. I remember her putting her mug in the sink and washing it out before she walked over to me to give me a hug. Maybe it’s because it was the last time I’d see her, it felt like a long hug. Before she walked out of our flat she told me she loved me and that she’d see me later.”

He didn’t see her later.

Dan reaches out and holds his hand with both of his.

“It was just really hard,” Phil says with a small humourless laugh, he lifts his hand up to brush away a tear. “I lost two important people in different ways.”

“Sorry,” Phil says quickly after, shaking his head. “I never talk about this but it’s easy with you.”

Dan smiles softly, squeezing his hands.

“I don’t know what it’s like losing someone like that, I can’t imagine what today must feel like for you, but I’m here. Even if I don’t know what to say. I’m shit at everything, but I’ll listen. So don’t apologise for how you feel.”

Phil reaches out to tug on Dan’s hair.

Dan puts on music while Phil figures out what to write.

Dan tells him, “Sometimes even the most simplest of statements can be enough.”

Phil looks up at him with a small smile. “Wow, that’s so wise Dan.”

Dan snorts. “Our group therapist told me that. I can’t take credit for it.”

Phil shakes his head, poking Dan’s cheek.

“You’re cute.” Phil says, smiling down at his paper lantern.

Dan feels heat in his cheeks and he looks away.

“Whatever you write will be good enough.”

Dan scootches back, leaning against his bed’s headboard to give Phil privacy. He grabs his moleskin journal and starts flipping through the pages, remembering everything that he wrote down about Jacob. Instead of focusing on all the negative, he tries to think about the fact that Jacob was loved by people who knew him best, and from what he could see he was a good dad, partner, and friend.

 

*

 

_ Dear Jacob _ , is how it always starts in his head, this mental letter that won’t ever be sent. _  I hope you’re well wherever you are _ , _  I’m sorry I didn’t go to your funeral. I couldn’t. Or, well, it was like I wouldn’t. _  He scratches it out, making it unreadable. Jacob doesn’t need to know that—this Jacob that exists in this small space in his head.  _ I think of you in these small intervals and I get sad that you’re not here—things haven’t been the same since you’ve been gone. It’s not fair, how you died. It’s not fair and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling angry about it. _

He doesn’t know how to continue after that, it’s like he’s got stacks of mental letters piling up that’s slowly starting to overflow. He thinks of it now as people from group therapy read out loud what they’ve written on their lanterns. Dan doesn’t have to share his if he doesn’t want to, there’s no rules to grief and loss, he doesn’t have to fly his lantern if he doesn’t feel like it. But he does. They say it’s supposed to feel therapeutic, but Dan isn’t so sure about that yet.

He’s standing next to Hayley, Alex, Soph and Phil. There’s a pile of wood that’s shaped like a teepee ready to be burned when they’re ready. It’s not really a ceremony, but it sort of feels like it. Dan feels a lump in his throat staring at everyone in this circle. Donna is across from him, on the other side, with some of the other workers from the bakery. She smiles at Dan and he nods his head to her, looking back at the sand.

Phil reaches over to tug on Dan’s sleeve and Dan smiles at him. It hurts, but everything hurts. He flips his lantern over and reads what he wrote before they left their flat.

 

_ For Olivia.  
_ _ I wish I could have known you. Happy birthday. _

 

People from the town are walking up to the beach, they have torches in their hands. Dan doesn’t know how word got spread around but it’s not surprising given how tight knit this community was and how everyone seems to come together when it’s needed most. There’s families with blankets and containers of food.

“We were just going around and reading what’s on our lanterns,” Marsha says to the stragglers, “You’re more than welcome to read yours if you want, and if you want a lantern then I have extras with pens to write things on them if you wish to.”

Hayley looks to Donna, mouthing,  _ Did you do this? _

Donna shrugs with a small smile. “I put in a good word.”

Dan feels overwhelmed at the amount of people walking up to what was a small group of people sharing their grief together, it feels less isolating.

Dan turns around to look out at the ocean, the beautiful pink and purple sunset had slowly changed to a dark blue and the clouds started to roll in taking the last bit of light that it could find with it. Dan feels so cold and so tiny looking out at the endless sea, and then his eyes flicker to the cliffs, he thinks of the first real conversation he had with Phil on top of those cliffs and how invincible he felt that night screaming out into the void. He wants to scream now.

He thinks of his friends back at Manchester and what they’re doing right now and how they’re coping with Jacob’s death. He tried so hard to bury their existence because it hurt, but being surrounded by people like this, he can’t help but think of them. The amount of text messages he had gotten from his friends asking if he was okay and if he needed to talk was overwhelming, and at one point it had made him angry even though it was out of love, Dan didn’t know how to deal with it. In this vulnerability he can think that he misses them, he can imagine them being here with him with their own lanterns in their hands trying to say goodbye to someone that they’ve got the pleasure to know for almost four years.

Dan thinks of one of the last few memories he had with Jacob.

 

_ It was at one of their study potlucks, Jacob had brought an apple pie. _

_ “I started to bake this late last night because the baby wouldn’t sleep. I’m pretty sure I forgot something but it tastes fine,” Jacob had said to their group with a sheepish smile, he had pre-cut slices for them. _

_ Dan was the first one to grab a slice and take a bite. He gave Jacob a thumbs up. _

_ “Mate, this is so good.” Dan said taking another bite. _

_ “Yeah? It’s not complete shite?” Jacob had looked amazed. _

_ Dan had to laugh. “I don’t know why you’re so surprised, you’re the only one out of the group that puts effort into dishes you bring.” _

_ “That’s fair,” one of their friends had said in agreement. _

_ “Thanks Dan.” Jacob says with a smile. _

_ Dan remembers that his eyes crinkled when he smiled. _

 

“Olivia was my first love,” Hearing Hayley’s voice brings him back, he turns to look at her now. She’s staring at the man lighting the bonfire, it’s dark and everyone needs just a little bit of warmth. “So, I didn’t know what to write about my first love. I have this belief that the people we love are still with us, in some way. Maybe that’s stupid to think but… it helps,” her voice shakes as she looks up.

She has everyone’s attention now.

“One minute I was planning our wedding the next I was planning her funeral so…” she bites her bottom lip before shrugging. “I just wrote that I missed her, and that my girlfriend now takes good care of me, and she has nothing to worry about it.”

The man uses his torch and flickers his light from east to west.

Dan raises an eyebrow, and then when he sees it he understands.

“Look,” he says quietly to Hayley.

She turns to see what he’s pointing at. Her jaw drops, across the coastline there’s little bonfires being started.

“Oh my god.” She says quietly, her hand over her mouth and Dan can see that she’s starting to cry. Dan feels that too.

Alex wraps her arms around Hayley, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

“I put in a good word.” Donna says again coming up to them, wrapping her arms around both Hayley and Alex.

“If everyone is ready, I think we’ll start lighting our lanterns.” Marsha says to the now big group of people. “We have matches and lighters to be passed around.”

Dan starts shaking his lantern out before grabbing the looped wire and squeezing the end making it more narrow so he can place the fire cake in the small hole in the middle. He flattens it out on the other side.

“Help.” Phil says with a small laugh.

Dan smiles, shaking his head reaching out for his lantern and doing the same thing.

It takes a while for everyone to figure out how to put the fire cake on the wire, but eventually they get there, helping each other light their lanterns.

Dan, Phil, Hayley, Alex, Soph, and Donna have huddled together. There’s a silence that spreads across the group, an understanding of what this means to some people. Dan didn’t think he’d feel as emotional as he was, but there was something about the way this group of people came together when they didn’t have to, either because of their own loss or out of support to those that they love, it made Dan ache.

“You can let go when you’re ready.” Marsha says.

Dan gulps, watching the first lantern float up into the sky and then another one.

Dan walks away from the group. Phil looks back at him and he smiles and nods, because he understands. Everyone in their little huddle seems to understand the importance of letting go on your own terms and he was so grateful for that. He looks to the distance and sees the bonfires and looks back up at the sky that’s being illuminated by everyone’s memories and thoughts towards their loved one’s.

Dan watches the way Hayley holds her lantern in her hands, he watches the way she takes a deep breath, nodding something to Alex before she slowly releases it into the air. Dan think of how far Hayley has come from their first meeting, how closed off they both were and how Alex didn’t really like Dan at first but now they were the people that he got to come home to and how their relationship has grown so much stronger since the beginning. He thinks of how hard today must be, and thinks of all the love that Hayley poured into everything to make this night special for everyone else.

He watches as Hayley’s lantern disappears with the rest and whispers to Olivia, “We’re taking good care of her now.”

And then, Dan thinks:  _ Dear Jacob _ , his fingers slowly letting go of the wire that he had been desperately holding onto, _  I’m sorry for how long it took me to let things go. _

He watches it float up into the sea of lanterns until it’s gone.

 

*

 

Dan and Phil are sitting down on one of the blankets they brought from the flat overlooking the ocean away from the group. Hayley and Alex have done the same, except they went for a walk hand in hand. They said to not wait up for them and that they can leave whenever they want.

They haven’t said anything but Phil reached over to lace their hands together. Dan closes his eyes and lets himself be in the moment, which is listening to the sound of laughter from the group of people that came, to the sound of waves crashing against the rocks, to Phil’s breathing right next to him.

Phil’s thumb is drawing circles into Dan’s skin. His lips part, and Dan wants to say something but he doesn’t—instead he leans into Phil, resting his head against Phil’s shoulder. It only takes a second for Phil to reciprocate back.

In this space, it’s just them and only them.

In this space, Dan feels safe.

 

*

 

Dan stayed with Phil that night. It doesn’t take long to find a routine in Phil’s home. Dan puts his shoes by the door and hangs his coat up. He grabs a glass of water from a cupboard knowing exactly where it is, and he brings it to Phil’s room and sets it on the table on his side of the bed. He wears Phil’s pyjamas and gets under the covers and he waits for Phil to join him. Phil turns off all the lights and there’s a nightlight now, in the corner, that changes to all the colours of the rainbow and Dan won’t tell him but he always feel safe around him but stores it deep in his heart knowing that he bought the nightlight for him.

It means something so much more but they won’t say it. Dan is still trying to find the words.

“Hey,” Phil says, getting closer, finding Dan’s hands in the darkness.

“Hi.” Dan says quietly back, lacing their fingers now.

“It’s been a really long day,” Phil sighs the kind of sigh that means he’s tired—it’s a different kind of tired that Dan understands completely because he’s been going through that for months now.

“It has.” Dan smooths his thumb over his skin that he can reach.

Dan wants to tell Phil so many things. He wants to give him every detail from that night that he can remember, even the things that are hard. Like how it felt to hold Jacob’s hand, and how much he was shaking. He wants to tell him that it took him a long time to clean the shirt that he wore that night and how he regretted it because somehow it was erasing something but he didn’t really know what. He wants to tell him how he wished his family reacted more and how scared he felt and how it took him three days to get over the shock and how he wept. He felt like he just couldn’t stop crying. He wants to tell him that the grief has settled in his bones and it hurts because he knows that he doesn’t deserve to feel this way but he does.

Instead—instead he pulls Phil closer, and he rests his head against his chest and tries to remember how to breathe.

One day, Dan thinks, he’ll tell Phil everything.

 

*

 

Dan dreams of Jacob that night.

In this dream they’re out on the golden cliffs, Jacob is just standing there overlooking the view and Dan is far away from him, but he can see him turning around and staring at Dan. He’s got his hand out for him and Dan walks towards him, reaching his own hand out to grab his. The closer he gets the farther Jacob is, he doesn’t know how that works but it’s cruel.

“I can’t get to you.” He calls out to Jacob.

Jacob never talks in his dreams. Dan thinks that’s because he’s already forgetting the sound of his voice. He knows that it happens, it’s one of the things with death that you’re forced to get used to.

Then Jacob disappears.

He’s just gone.

Dan is left on the cliffs and it begins to rain again.

So far, it’s the best ending that Jacob’s gotten in his dreams.

 

*

 

Dan wakes up alone in bed and to the smell of eggs and he thinks sausages. He looks at his phone and sees how late Dan slept in. It’s ten in the morning. He gets out of bed and walks down the hall to Phil cooking.

“Morning.” Dan says with a yawn.

Phil turns around and he smiles wide at Dan.

“I went to the store and bought some groceries for breakfast. I also got coffee.” He nods to the cup and Dan reaches out to grab it.

“Thank you.” Dan’s voice is quiet, trying to process how nice Phil is being, it’s a lot to take in.

Dan moves some stuff out of the way and he sits on the counter and just watches Phil move in the kitchen. Phil moves the sausage around and then reaches up to grab two plates. The bread in the toaster pops up and he grabs those too and puts them to the side.

“I used to make eggs all the time in university. It was like the one thing I knew how to make.” Phil says plating everything and then turning around to grab the butter from the fridge and some jam.

“We are ready to eat.” Phil turns off the stove and then hands Dan his plate.

Dan smiles down at it with a nod.

“This looks really good. Thank you.” Dan reaches out to tug on Phil’s hair.

They sit on Phil’s couch and watch Buffy.

Dan thinks of how he can get used to mornings like this. When the weather is nice outside, and you’re with the right person enjoying each other’s silence. Because every once in a while Phil will look at him when he thinks Dan is not noticing and he wonders if Hayley and Alex feel this way too—but he kind of already knows the answer.

If Dan were brave he’d reach out and hold his hand and maybe he’d kiss him and say that this was one of the sweetest gestures he’s ever been given.

“I’m proud of you Phil.” Dan says after they finish their food.

They’re washing dishes now and finishing their coffees.

“Why?” Phil’s voice sounds confused.

“Because you told me once how hard it was to cook after what happened and you just made something out of your own volition.”

Phil gives him a look that he doesn’t have a word for yet, but he reaches out and strokes Dan’s hair and then his cheek. And Dan thinks that he could kiss him right now.

Dan tries hard not to look at his lips, so he reaches up to grab Phil’s hand instead.

“Being around you makes me feel… I don’t know.... Brave.”  

“Keep me around then.” Dan says with a shrug and a cheeky smile.

“I’m trying to.”

It knocks the air out of Dan’s lungs and he has to look away from Phil’s intense stare.

_ You can’t just say stuff like that _ , Dan wants to tell him.

“One of these days we should go out to eat somewhere that’s not one of our flats. If you want.” Phil says with the same nonchalant tone.  

Dan smiles, and nods. “That would be really nice actually.”

Phil reaches out and hugs Dan. There wasn’t enough time for Dan to react to it which was probably a good thing. Dan is quick to wrap his arms around Phil. Dan was starting to realise how underappreciated hugs were—especially if they were hugs by Phil. Well, then they were just special. Dan could melt into the hug, and he wanted to.

When Phil pulls away it leaves Dan breathless. He feels like he’s in a daze.

“I need to work on a couple of videos.” Phil says with a frown.

“That’s fine.” Dan says with a shrug, feeling sad at the fact that he’d have to leave.

“I can bring my computer out here and you can just watch TV or something?” Phil suggests.

Dan smile is small, but his heart is beating fast. He nods.

Dan goes through Phil’s movies, noticing that they have a lot of the same ones. It’s just not as organised as his. Since Dan has this free time while Phil works he grabs a Disney movie and gets to work on sorting out Phil’s DVD’s like his at home.

Every once in a while he’ll feel a little pull at his heart seeing certain movies, the kind of ones that he watched with his friends back in Manchester when they’d have impromptu movie night. Near the end Jacob stopped being able to go to them because of his baby but that was okay—no one could blame him for that. It’s a funny thing, how things like that work, it’s just movies, but it was more than that. It was building of friendships and commentary, and anecdotes shared across trusted people.

Dan thinks of Hayley for a moment. He gets his phone out and sends a quick message.

 

_ hey are you okay? _

 

He gets back to the DVDs, and smiles at the small sense of organisation that he could only wish could transfer to his mind and thoughts, but it was small things like this that helped. He looks over and Phil is lost in his little editing world with his headphones and this sense of co-inhabiting each other spaces feels good.

His phone buzzes in his pocket.

 

__ All is good. x  
_ Where are you?  
_ __ With Phil?

 

He smiles.

 

__ yeah with phil.  
_ i’m glad you’re good.  
_ __ i’ll make dinner tonight.

 

Dan waits a minute for Hayley to reply back and he actually snorts at her answer.

 

_ Sounds good  
_ _ Just no burnt pasta!!!! _

 

He shakes his head sending a quick reply.

 

_ LET IT GO HAYLEY _

 

And then:

 

_ NEVER, DANIEL.  
_ _ Go spend time with your friend or whatever _

 

Dan doesn’t reply back, but the message is clear anyway.

When Dan finishes organising his DVDs he sits down next to Phil and leans against him and watches him edit his videos. He doesn’t understand any of it but he’s fascinated by it, and it’s nice just to be in the same space with him and not having to say words, because sometimes Dan needed to be around people but not necessarily talk to them. This was enough.

 

*

 

When Dan gets home he comes bearing groceries to make stir fry. It’s an easy enough dish to make and Hayley likes it. He finds them on the couch underneath the quilted blanket. Alex is running her hands through Hayley’s hair. Dan smiles at both of them, kicking his shoes off and setting the groceries down on the table.

“How are you?” Hayley asks. Alex looks at Dan now with a smile.

“I’m good.” Dan says, watching them eyeing him. Like there’s something he’s not telling them.

“How’s Phil?” Alex asks.

Dan lets out a breath and he shakes his head, but he’s smiling.

“Stop it.”

He’s taking everything out now.

“I’m happy for you.” Hayley says with a small smile. “Whatever it is.”

“Me too.” Alex chimes in and Dan rolls his eyes at both of them.

“I don’t know.”  _ I just know that I like him _ , he adds in his head. “I don’t know what it is.”

“That’s okay.” Hayley says before turning back to the television.

Dan is cutting up the vegetables and the chicken, thinking about this entire week.

It was exhausting. That was his first thought. There were so many emotions that he felt this week he feels kind of hollow about it now, like he needs to sleep it off to recharge himself. And then Dan’s mind goes blank.

He finishes making them dinner, plating the rice and then adding the stir fry on top and walks over to the couch and hands it to them.

Dan sits on the recliner and tries to focus on the telly. He gets his phone out to text Phil, just that he ate and for Phil to remember to eat and not get lost in his editing.

Phil sends back a heart and a thank you.

Dan smiles a little at that.

“Thanks for making dinner, Dan. I’ll do the clean up after this episode.” Hayley says.

Dan grabs their plates from them and places them in the sink before saying goodnight.

When he’s in his room he just stares at the chaos. He has so much laundry lying on the floor, and well, everywhere else. The trash is starting to pile up, he’s got a lot of cups in here because of his own laziness, and he can’t remember the last time he washed his sheets. He’s staring at the white walls and the cracked ceiling with cigarette stains that he didn’t smoke. It feels like it’s closing in on him and it takes everything in him to undress and get into pyjamas, throwing his clothes on the ground instead of fixing the problem.

He’s staring at the wall, listening to the sound of the rain pattering against the window.

_ Jacob Harris was twenty-one years old when he was tragically stabbed. He leaves behind a partner and child. _

He pulls the covers up trying to get himself lost in the sheets.

_ Unfortunately, Jacob was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. We’re definitely going to amp up the security these next few weeks. These kind of things don’t normally happen here. _

When Dan closes his eyes, he thinks of how he should have said something to Jacob—before he left class. Maybe he’d still be alive—but Dan has to live with the fact that he didn’t.

_ Jacob loved his friends, was a great dad, and was going to be a great lawyer someday. _

 

*

 

Sometimes Dan dreams that he’s back in Manchester. Everything looks the same. Everything is the same. It makes it hard to wake up. In these dreams he’s in class, he’s looking over at his group of friends mouthing,  _ what the fuck are we learning?  _ They’d try and make each other laugh. It’s just fragments of memories that have already happened but that’s okay.

When Dan wakes up from his dream he grabs his moleskin, turning the light on to start writing.

 

_ I think the problem is, I miss Manchester. I think I was starting to like the person I was becoming when I was there. I don’t know who I am now, after the incident. I always want to call it an accident, but that implies that it wasn’t meant to happen like an unexpected car crash—which it wasn’t. I sometimes make a different ending, a less violent one, because it’s hard to stomach the fact that Jacob had to bleed to death. _

_ I miss my friends, and I think that they might miss me too, but it’s been too long since we last talked. I’m afraid that something bad will happen and I’ll freak out like I always do and runaway from the people that I’ve gotten to know really well here. I’m tired of running but I don’t know how to face my problems without it hurting. _

_ I miss home and I miss Manchester, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to go back because I don’t want to be a lawyer anymore, and I won’t be able to look at the school the same, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. _

_ That’s all that I’m thinking right now. Sorry that it’s not enough. _

_ \- Dan _

 

Dan goes back to sleep after that. He sleeps the entire day and then the next.

It’s sleeping to forget. It’s sleeping to recharge. It’s sleeping because sometimes being alive is hard and it’s easier than having to talk to people about what’s going on. He hates that he takes two steps towards vulnerability and one step back.

When he wakes up, it’s late afternoon. His body hurts, and his head aches. He reaches out to grab his cell phone, sitting up slowly in his bed.

He has messages from well, everyone.

 

**HAYLEY:** i know you’re asleep but if by chance you wake up there’s food out here for you. It’s pizza.  
**HAYLEY:**  I put the pizza away but its in the fridge for you.  
**HAYLEY:**  we’re watching Donnie Darko if you want to join  
**HAYLEY:**  love you.

 

**ALEX:**  I’m picking up pizza idk if Hayls told you that is there a particular kind of pizza that you want?  
**ALEX:**  I know you’re sleeping but i just want to tell you thank you for everything you did for Olivia’s birthday. I wanted to tell you that night but there was a lot going on and I know a text is kind of cheap but you know how I am with emotions lol.  
**ALEX:**  i can’t imagine how exhausting it is right now for you but I just wanted you to know when you do wake up/come out I’ll be here with open arms and coffee for you.  
**ALEX:** love you dan. xx

 

**SOPH** : hey hayley asked if i could take your shift, i hope you’re okay. she said you might be feeling poorly so i hope you’ll feel better soon  
**SOPH:**  always available to take more shifts if you need it  
**SOPH:** funny thing that happened today at work: I was trying to mop the floor and i completely fuckin biffed it and just slid. but like imagine a slip n slide all across the tiny bakery. i couldn’t stop laughing even tho lauren was so horrified. wish you were there to witness my epic fail hahaha  
**SOPH:**  sorry for blowing up your phone x

 

**DONNA:** I tried to call you but it went straight to voicemail. If you need anything let me know. You know where to find me Daniel XX

 

**PHIL:**  I made pasta for myself. I know that we made pasta not that long ago but i wanted to make it bc it reminded me of one of our first meals we cooked together. That was a good night for me.  
**PHIL:**  I also had a little wine so I’m sorry for the honesty (I’m not really sorry)  
**PHIL:**  It’s four a.m. and I JUST finished editing. I’ll have to look it over later due to the wine and how late I finished but I’m pretty proud of it.  
**PHIL:** Hayley said you’ve been asleep for a while, so I guess this just means you’re going to come back to a lot of text messages from me so get ready. I’m gonna fill you in on my day so you better wake up soon.  
**PHIL:**  You deserve sleep, that was a bit demanding.  
**PHIL:**  I just woke up from a nap, and made myself a salad???? It didn’t taste awful but maybe that’s bc i added chicken to it and what a game changer that was. I think you’d be proud of it.  
**PHIL:** Which sounds crazy to me still. Like why would you be proud of me? Cooking is one of the most basic things you can do for yourself… but thank you anyway.  
**PHIL:** I’m laying in bed now and it’s late and I miss you.  
**PHIL:**  I’m thinking of how you’ve sort of changed my life a little bit without even trying to. I had all of these negative emotions about myself, I was so mad that I couldn’t do the things that I used to be able to do because they were filled with old memories of Theo. It’s like you came into my life and gave it a little bit of colour and handed me the pen so I could fill in the rest.  
**PHIL:**  I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone like you did, I’ll never fully get it, but I think you’re really brave Dan. Sorry for bringing it up, but I just thought you should know that whenever you see this- while you’re proud of me, I’m proud of you.  
**PHIL:** I’m going to try and sleep now. Goodnight. <3  
**PHIL:** I’m glad we exist at the same time.

 

Dan rereads what Phil sent over and over again, wanting to keep it in his pocket for days like today, when everything kind of hurts and it feels like it’ll never get better. He gulps, scrolling through his contacts and typing a message.

 

_ i know that i never willingly text first about appointments but i was wondering if i can see you soon? i even wrote in the journal you gave me. it’s not much, but it’s a start? thanks. - dan _

 

Dan then taps on Phil’s contact and sends a message.

 

_ i’m glad we exist at the same time too. _


	5. 004.

**00.**

 

He woke up early. This was just one of the many things that was off about today. He woke up early—early enough to get a coffee, early enough to look over his homework, early enough to finish up on the reading for his class later in the afternoon. He woke up early, with texts messages from his group wondering if they wanted to meet up before class. They had a test after a half lecture.

He replied back quickly, which surprised everyone.

Dan had gotten up, grabbing a grey shirt and pulling it over and jeans off the ground. He had to do laundry at some point, his dirty pile on the floor was starting to pile up. He looked at the clock again, and then at the weather. 50% chance of rain. He grabbed a jacket knowing that 50% would be dialed up to 90% as the day wore on. He loaded his backpack with textbooks and made sure he remembered his wallet and notebooks because they had all his notes in it—too many times had he let his friends down by not bringing his notes, and his dorm was too far from class.

 

_where does everyone want to meet?_

 

He texted, stuffing his phone in his pocket. Today was one of his long days. He scanned his room making sure he had everything, tempted to bring a hoodie just in case. He decides against it, closing his door and walking down the hall.

 

 **JACOB:**  library  
**JACOB:**  Guys i might have to leave early for lunch tho baby and all 

 **GEMMA:**  thats cute you miss her ):

 **JACOB:**  Yes  
**JACOB:** oh just kidding appaz Liz doesn’t need me I’m free

 **DAN:**  library??? i hate everyone  
**DAN:**  library makes me fucking anxious  
**DAN:**  what’s wrong with a coffee shop???? 

 **EDDY:**  I agree with Dan we’re way too loud  
**EDDY:**  we could bring blankets and sit on the grass or s/t 

 **JACOB:**  Lmao like a picnic or sommat 

 **GEMMA:**  I’m wearing a white skirt  
**GEMMA:**  I don’t trust any of you

 

Dan snorts.

 

 **DAN:**  fine. library it is. i’m sneaking a coffee tho  
**DAN:**  anyone want anything 

 **GEMMA:**  Nah I’m good thanks 

 **EDDY:**  I’m also solid.  
**EDDY:**  I’m gonna try and get ahold of the others too. See ya there 

 **JACOB:**  Black coffee for me plz

 

Dan sent back a thumbs up emoji.

 

Dan had so much time this morning he got to stop for a bagel and enjoy it. He didn’t know what was up with him today, since most days, he slept in as late as possible and would have to run to class and apologise for not meeting up with his friends. They didn’t really give him grief for that, they’ve been around him long enough to know what he was like, and they were okay with it.

He ordered the black coffee and his latte trying his best to sneak it into the library without getting scolded. He had to send a couple of texts to ask where the fuck they were meeting at in the library given how big it was.

He finds his group in the corner, they’ve got pile of books and laptops out, Dan sets the coffee next to Jacob who thanks him profusely. Dan sits next to Gemma and their friend Tyler who seems to be deep into his textbook, and Dan can tell that it’s getting to him by the way that he’s pulling on his hair.

“I’m thinking of skipping my first class today to study for the test later,” Dan says with a yawn, grabbing his notebook out.

“Same,” they all say in unison and it makes Dan laugh.

“Wait, one of us has to go, we need the notes.”

Jacob shoots a hand up. “I’m going. I can’t miss again. I had a doctors note for my daughter because Liz couldn’t take her but our professor just kind of turned his nose up so I have to go. After class I’ll meet back here though.”

When lunch time came around they took a break to get food. Jacob called his girlfriend and talked to his daughter over the phone, she couldn’t understand what her dad was saying, but it didn’t matter. Dan smiled overhearing the conversation, ‘ _I can come home if you want me to_ ’.

Dan didn’t know how Jacob handled being a father and a student and an employee.

Dan takes a bite of his chicken salad wishing he had more dressing on it. Gemma hands him some of hers and he feels thankful for friends that share.

He looks up at the sky and notices the grey clouds starting to roll in and hoping that the rain will stay away for just a little while longer. It was a wonderful day outside with a slight breeze and Dan wanted to cherish these days, when he wakes up early enough to spend time with his friends. He thinks that maybe he might have a chance on getting a good grade on his test.

There were days when Dan couldn’t leave his bed because of how overwhelmed he felt with university and how much he fucking hated his major and how he felt like tearing his hair out half the time because of it. But he stayed because his friends pushed him to do his best and gave him their notes along the way which always helped.

 

*

 

Dan feels like they spend days in the library.

Slowly, people started coming and going as the day wore on, they said goodbye to friends and hello to others that slumped in the chair with new notes and more worried lines. Law was fucking hard and Dan had been staring at the study guide hoping that somehow that would be enough for the test today. It eventually started to blur together, he rested his chin on his textbook and closed his eyes and listened to the sound of hundreds of other students writing and typing, and his friends gossiping about their professors.

Time seemed to go by so slow this day.

Dan should have enjoyed it when he was in it.

But he was tired. So, so tired.

Dan had gotten up when it was close to class time, stuffing all of his notebooks and textbooks into his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. He takes the last remaining sips of his now hours old latte and throws it in the rubbish bin on the way out.

He doesn’t know that this will be the last time that he’ll be in this library that gave him so much anxiety because of the amount of people. He doesn’t miss it much (except sometimes, when it’s quiet, when he’s vulnerable, and just misses Manchester because it had slowly become home). He doesn’t look back when he closes the door, walking with his group to their last class that had so much more meaning to it than they thought.

He sits in the back, closest to the door as possible and Jacob slots down next to him. They don’t say anything to each other, but Dan gives him a mechanical pencil because he lost his somewhere along his last class to this one. Jacob gives him a nod for a thanks and he starts to write down things from the board.

Dan is so lost in his thoughts, he’s staring at nothing, everything becomes white noise. He doodles all over his page and writes down things that look important. Mentally, he’s checked out of today. Maybe getting up early was a bad thing, he should have just rolled over in bed like he normally would. But he would have missed so much. He’s thinking about it as the test gets passed around.

“Shit,” Dan whispers, putting his books away.

“You may leave once you finish your test.” Their professor says before sitting back down again.

Dan gulps, looking over at Jacob who’s running a hand through his hair, and he can feel his leg shaking next to him.

Dan smiles briefly before looking down at his paper.

 

*

 

Dan feels like he didn’t even study at all. He’s not confident in his answers, and he feels like he’s bullshitting all the policy questions. He’s writing so much that his hand starts to cramp. He doesn’t know what hour they’re in but it feels like an eternity.

He peeks over at Jacob who looks like he’s reading over everything by the way he’s scanning the page with his eyes and flipping the page over. Dan looks away again, eyes back at the professor who’s walking around the room.

Jacob lets out a sigh of relief.

He’s finished.

Dan is almost there, he just needs a couple more answers and then he’s done.

He doesn’t watch Jacob leave.

He finishes his test shortly after, not caring how well he did because his brain is so tired and his body is so tired. He stuffs everything into his bag and turning his test in and walking out of the classroom. He doesn’t know what to do with himself now. Get a coffee? Go back to his dorm? The most outlandish thought was go to a pub to get a drink after his test—but he doesn’t want to go alone.

Dan stands there for a moment, thinking of texting the group but remembering that half of them are still taking their test. He shakes his head now and starts walking like he’s heading to his dorm. Maybe inspiration will lead him somewhere else, he thinks that maybe he’ll take the long way home, a walk could do him good. He looks up at the sky which is still grey and cloudy but he thinks maybe that 50% was correct.

He hears a scream, a loud, piercing scream that’ll haunt him for years and years to come, his body freezes for a moment, looking around him for the noise but he doesn’t see it, so he walks towards it.

There’s more screaming, but this time, it’s not just from one person, it’s from  _several._

Someone is running towards him, flying past him, their backpack swinging side to side, the water bottle in the side pocket flies out but the person doesn’t stop to pick it up.

There’s fear everywhere he looks, and there’s a lot of blood. Dan runs to him once he sees who it is, and he bends down, and there’s someone on their knees next to them, they’re speaking so fast that Dan can’t understand what they’re saying. It’s something about police, something about needing a doctor, something about CPR— _do you perform CPR on someone who’s been stabbed?_

 

_Is he still breathing?_

_Is he still breathing?_

 

Dan looks up at everyone who’s running away from the scene, to the few who are stood in shock.

“Two other people are hurt!” he hears someone yell from behind him, but he doesn’t leave from this spot. He can’t move. He’s just stuck here.

Dan thinks of how odd this day started, he was doing things that were so out of the normal for him. He thinks that maybe if he stuck to what he normally did maybe this wouldn’t have happened. He knows that’s dumb, he knows that it’s not how shit works, but it’s a thought that he’s trying to process because if he tries to process what’s happening right now he might actually pass out.

It’s a quick instinct to grab Jacob’s hand, because once when Dan was a kid he had run into the glass and he was bleeding and he was being shouted at and all he wanted was someone to hold his hand and tell him that everything would be okay, and that if he just waited they could get the glass out, they could wipe the blood off, and he would be fine.

 

_“What happened?”_

_“I don’t know! The guy just fucking ran!”_

 

Dan hasn’t said a word, but he hears the ambulances, the policemen, and whatever else is supposed to come when things like this happen.

Someone is constantly repeating, _these things just don’t happen._

They do, he wants to tell her, they’ve just never been exposed to it.

They do, he wants to tell her, it’s just they’ve never cared enough to pay attention to them.

 

*

 

Later, that night, when he’s alone, he’ll think that maybe he thought about Jacob that day a little bit more than he normally would—that maybe it was okay to do so, nobody could fault him for that. He held his hand, gripping onto it like it was a lifeline, and his thoughts would go to Liz and to a daughter that barely got to know her own father. He’ll think of how that moment was so very isolated in time.

And then, he’ll think, after he left the scene when he was walking around with blood on his shirt and his hands, that he should have brought that hoodie he thought about bringing that morning.

**004.**

“Thanks for seeing me,” Dan rubs his palms against his thighs, he looks up at his therapist who has a different mug with a different shade of lipstick.

She smiles, putting her cup down. “Of course.” She leans back in her chair and then grabs her notepad. “Are you doing okay?” She tilts her head to look at him with a kind smile.

Dan doesn’t look at her, he finds himself staring out the window like he usually does during these sessions. This time, he’s going to talk.

“I—” Dan starts to say, biting his lip, “I don’t know.”

“What do you know?”

Dan turns to look at her. “I know that I slept for a couple days. Really freaked my friends out.”

She nods, “Did something happen?”

He gulps.

“Yes, but not recently.”

It’s like a light bulb goes off in her head. She nods, closing her eyes for just a second.

“Do you think that this is a delayed response to what happened?” She’s tucking a strand of hair behind her ears. Dan didn’t notice how straight her hair was, normally she kept her hair up in a bun, and that’s a dumb detail that he remembers because he doesn’t want to think about anything else.

“I don’t know. Do you think it is?”

“I think it could be. What are you feeling now?”

Dan clenches his hands in a fist before slowly unclenching them and repeats, after a while it gets repetitive and he stops.

“Tired. So tired. Like. I’m just tired of holding it in. I’m tired of carrying it.”

She writes something down.

“It’s interesting that you say it like that, does it feel like a burden?”

Dan thinks back to the conversation with Donna. _‘I got tired of carrying it. It felt like this massive weight on my shoulders. It began to take up too much space. It got to a point where there wasn’t really room for me anymore. I lost myself in it.’_

“Yeah. It feels like I’m drowning.”

“Why do you think it’s hard for you to get through this? What’s prohibiting you from feeling better?”

Dan bites his tongue but not hard enough for it to bleed. He gulps.

“I don’t know. It just. It feels like it’s everything. Like, I wasn’t always happy in Manchester but I… I had friends that made it bearable. We helped each other, and it made studying law easier. They were the first few people I came out to, and it was fine for a while. I just feel…. Guilty. For everything, all the time. Like I don’t deserve to feel this way?” He sighs, digging his fingers into the palm of his hands.

“Why do you feel guilty, Dan?”

Dan zeroes in on the carpet. It’s grey but with red patterns. He wonders why they chose those two particular colours to go together, you think they wouldn’t but with the way the pattern is somehow it works. Dan thinks about this while feeling her eyes on him. He tries to trace the pattern in the carpet but there is none. It’s just random, zig zags that have no end or beginning. He doesn’t realise he’s holding his breath until she shifts in her seat and it scares him, his head snaps back up and his heart is beating fast. He feels seen in a way that makes him uncomfortable.

He’s so fucking uncomfortable. His clothes don’t feel right on his body, and his skin feels hot against his palm, his cheeks are heating up and everything is just spinning. He thinks of the way the screams echoed back and forth in his head like ping pong.

He didn’t do anything. He didn’t say anything until he was forced to. He tried to walk off but the EMT had to gently grab him by his shoulders to sit him down so they could check him out. He was okay, he wanted to say, he wasn’t the one that was dead.

“Dan?” She tilts her head now, her voice much quieter than before.

Dan doesn’t feel the tear run down his cheek until it hits the top of his hand. He wipes his face and shakes his head.

“Because.” He says, “I… I should have said something. I could have said something. We- we were taking a test but I could have said something, he could have just stayed for a moment longer and maybe it wouldn’t have happened.”

“You didn’t know what was going to happen, you can’t put that on yourself.”

“I know,” Dan says a little bit louder than necessary, “I know that. But I can’t…” He sighs, “I can’t help it.”

“That’s okay that you feel that way, Dan.” She reaches out to grab a tissue to give to him.

“I keep hearing that.” He whispers, “I just wish I could believe it.”

“What makes you think otherwise?”

“I don’t know how to explain it.” He bites his bottom lip now, “It’s just this complex feeling that I don’t know how to verbalise. I just. Feel guilty all the time and I don’t know why.”

She taps her pen once to her notebook, and then she takes a breath.

“Do you think you could be experiencing survivors guilt?”

Dan holds his breath.

“But nothing happened to me.”

“You lost a friend,” she says, “In a very traumatic way. You experienced that.”

“H-he wasn’t my friend,” His voice is shaky, “We just knew each other.”

“But you went out together right? I remember you saying that you would all go out together? Isn’t that something friends do?”

“Yeah,” he wipes his face with his sleeve. “We used to have study potlucks, too. And go to the midnight showings for all our favourite movies.”

“So,” she says gently, “He was your friend.”

Dan doesn’t say anything after that. He’s silent.

She speaks again. “Do you think that it’s hard to call Jacob your friend because it might mean that you lost something greater?”

Dan thinks of how numb he felt the first three days of Jacob being gone. He couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that he was here one day and then suddenly he wasn’t. He didn’t exist anymore. Dan wouldn’t hear his voice anymore. He wouldn’t look over and see Jacob next to him in class anymore. Their potlucks and movie nights and study sessions would never be the same because someone would always be missing. Dan would never hear about Liz or his daughter ever again.

Dan, in the beginning, tried his best to marginalize Jacob, make it seem like that he meant nothing to him and to anyone who asked about him. Dan made Jacob small and tried to fit him into a box that couldn’t hold him. Maybe he did it for self preservation—Dan didn’t understand why he ached other than the fact that he just did.

“Yeah.” His throat feels tight, he lets out a shaky breath. “I guess I just constantly feel like I’m not allowed to mourn for him because I wasn’t there—I didn’t know him like everyone else knew him.”

“You’re allowed to mourn for him anyway.” She pauses for a moment before speaking again, “You did know him. He was someone to you.”

Dan has an overwhelming feeling go through him that shakes him to his core. It was like the night that he had finally wept. It took three days for the shock to wear off, for all the intensity of the event to actually hit him, he remembers standing in Tesco’s wandering around the aisles to see if anything looked good enough to eat when he remembered that Jacob was an employee there.  _Was_. Past tense. He started to tear up, looking at the fruit in front of him. He must have looked crazy, just crying like the fruit had done something to him.

He remembers wiping his face and quickly leaving the Tesco’s so he could walk back to his dorm and do this when no one could watch him fall apart. It’s not the first time that Dan has fallen apart alone, he’s been doing it for a long time now because he was never one to let people in because he was terrified. Jacob’s death had amplified that feeling. Dan was too scared to love anything because he was scared that it would have a tragic ending, and he knew that it was more than that—he just didn’t understand it yet.

He wanted to be able to pour his heart out to the people that he loved, he wanted to tell Phil every single thing about him, but he didn’t know how to do that yet without it hurting. There had to be a way.

He sniffs, reaching out to take the second tissue that she’s handed him this session.

“He was my friend.” Dan says, taking a deep breath.

“He was your friend.” His therapist repeats.

“And he died.”

When he says it, it feels like a weight has been lifted, if for a moment, and then comes that tight feeling in your chest. Dan thinks that it’s just grief. It’s just grief with no place to go.

His therapist takes a breath herself, and she closes her notebook and sets her pen down.

“I’m sorry for your loss, Dan.”

 

*

 

Dan gives her his journal. She looks at all of his attempts at trying to write something before she falls on Dan’s good night that he wrote about, she asks him about it, and he tells her very briefly, it seemed so long ago. She finds the pages worth of information about Jacob, she takes her time with that. He sees her frown a bit reading some of the things that he’s written down.

“This must have been hard,” she comments, her fingers flipping the page to read the other side.

“It was,” Dan agrees, he’s looking at his hands now. “I wish I could have known more about him. I guess it’s my fault for not doing more.” He says with a shrug.

She looks up from the journal now. “It’s not your fault Dan. Friendships are complex, you spent a lot of time with him and your group—I think the fact that you all had a camaraderie is good enough. Sometimes those are the friendships that are most important. You all helped each other in some way or another.”

Dan had forgotten that he wrote about Phil in his journal. She looks up at him with a small smile.

“Phil?” She says, “Is he your friend?”

Dan gulps, “I think he might be a bit more than that.”

She nods her head now, “Is it complicated?”

Dan laughs a little shaking his head. “It’s not that complicated.”

It’s one of the reasons why he’s here, he wants to be the best version that he can be for Phil, and for his friends. They deserved that part of him. Phil deserved that part of him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asks.

He does.

 

*

 

When Dan gets out of therapy it’s drizzling, he sits in the lobby and takes his phone out looking at how much time he had until the next bus came. It was less than ten minutes. He looked at his phone and went through his messages until he found the one contact he was looking for.

_i just got out of therapy and i know that i’ve been sleeping the last few days but i could really use some company. i want to see you. i can’t promise i’ll be super exuberant but um. i want to see you._

He sent the message without hitting backspace and stuffed his phone back in his pocket. He watched people coming in and out of the lobby. Little kids with their comfort toys and parents, young adults his age with heavy jackets and sweatshirts who looked like they haven’t slept, and older adults who looked somber.

He bites his lip, getting up from the seat and pulls his hoodie over to walk out the doors to his bus stop. On his way out, he hears a little girl talking about what she’s going to do when she gets home. He turns around and he sees the girl that had the hello kitty umbrella, but now her new umbrella is a rainbow and her wellies are purple. He smiles at them for a moment, feeling a lump in his throat but it’s not out of sadness.

“No more hello kitty?” He says, his voice is low and he’s not sure if they even heard him.

The mom looks to Dan and she smiles. “She’s seeing colour again,” she says with a shrug.

Dan doesn’t have to ask to know what that means. He gives her a gracious nod.

“Rainbow is always good.” he says with a thumbs up to the little girl who seems lost in her own head, but she waves goodbye.

He hopes one day they’ll stop running into each other like this. He hopes that her life is filled with colour and that it never goes grey.

He walks away with a heavy heart, for various reasons, and he sits on the only open spot on the bench looking up at the clear glass that’s shielding them from the rain.

His phone buzzes in his pocket.

 

 _I want to see you too. I’ll come over!  
_ _Want me to get pizza???_

 

Dan’s smile is small but his heart feels big. It was amazing how many emotions the human body could hold, sometimes it felt like too much, that it would just pour out of Dan’s body. He took a deep breath replying back.

 

_yes plz_

 

The bus rolled up and Dan got his card out and tapped it going upstairs to the top and sat in front of the big window so he could overlook the view. It was a very pretty view, but that wasn’t surprising, this was just a pretty part of the UK that he felt privileged enough to live in for the time being.

When he gets home Hayley and Alex are gone, they had left a note saying that they were having dinner with Alex’s mum and to text if he needed anything with a little ‘love you’ written at the end. Dan smiled grabbing the note and putting it in his keepsake box. He looked through it briefly, it was a lot of mail that his grandmother sent, to his acceptance letter to Manchester. He gulps seeing it, his hands shaking slightly as he holds it up. He thinks of how it felt receiving that letter, he thought he completely fucked everything up, that he would never be smart for university. He proved himself wrong, and his parents were so happy; even his brother congratulated him.

He places the letter and the note back in the box and pushes it under his bed where it belongs. He gets up and looks at the chaos that is his room again and he feels like it’s hard to breathe in here. He changes quickly so he can walk out of his room and sit on the couch and turn the television on.

Phil had texted that he’d be here soon. Dan sent him a thumbs up.

He closes his eyes, listening to the white noise that was the tv and let himself drift a little. He thought about his therapy appointment and how exhausting it was. He was a human being that had so many overwhelming emotions that he didn’t allow himself to feel and it somehow manifested into his dirty room. All areas of his life felt messy, other than Phil. He was like the clean slate that Dan wished he deserved.

He sighs, opening his eyes and shifting them to look out the window to catch the last remnants of light.

He hears Phil knocking on the door and he gets up quickly, taking big strides to walk over to open it for him. Phil is smiling, and in his York hoodie that Dan is learning to love on him.

Dan smiles, reaching out to grab the coke bottle and bag that he suspects has all the dipping sauces.

“Hi.” Phil says. He’s a little breathless. He sets the stuff down on the counter.

Phil wraps his arms around Dan and it knocks the air out of his lungs and it takes a second for Dan to hug him back. Dan melts into the hug, wanting to lose himself in his embrace and never leave. It was everything that Dan needed. Phil smelt like warmth and safety.

“Hi.” Dan says, his voice cracks slightly and he blushes.

When Phil pulls away he reaches out to tug on a strand of Dan’s hair that’s been curled because he hasn’t showered and stopped straightening his hair because it took too much energy out of him.

“Your hair is nice,” Phil says with a smile.

Dan shakes his head, shoving Phil a little. He moves to get plates out for both of them.

“Shut up,” Dan laughs.

“It looks really good.” Phil says, nudging Dan.

“Let’s just eat.” Dan says jokingly, but his stomach actually growls.

“Okay, okay.” Phil shakes his head.

Dan takes all the sauces out and picks and chooses his favourites.

They sit on the couch and Dan turns the tv volume up. Dan was so hungry. He had taken big bites looking over at Phil every now and then. They’d laugh at the same things on the tv, Dan slowly started to feel a little more like a human again with each bite. He ate probably too many pieces of pizza but he needed it.

By the time they finished dinner and putting the leftovers in the fridge he was full and tired again. Dan just wanted to sleep. He told this to Phil who nodded his head, getting up to help Dan up, offering him his hand and then taking him to Dan’s bedroom.

When Phil opened the door he looked around at the room. It was so messy and Dan felt embarrassed. Dan clutched his arm looking down at the floor.

“Listen, you don’t have to stay. My room looks… disgusting right now.” Dan gave him a sheepish smile, picking up his sleeping shirt from the bed holding it between his hands.

“No, I get it Dan.” Phil reaches out to place a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “I get it.”

Dan believes him, but he’s still cautious.

“The thought of  _cleaning_  my room overwhelms me even though being in here overwhelms me. I don’t know.” Dan looks down again and Phil lets out a small breath.

“That makes sense to me.” Phil says, “When Theo and I broke up I didn’t clean the flat for days. My body couldn’t process Olivia dying and Theo leaving so I kind of shut down and didn’t do anything.”

Phil grabs a shirt and then holds it up. “Can I wear this to bed?” He asks.

Dan nods looking for pyjama bottoms for him.

“Tomorrow I’ll help you clean your room, we’ll do laundry.” Phil brings Dan closer and Dan swears he’s going to kiss him, but then he feels Phil’s lips against Dan’s cheek.

Dan gulps, turning away and lifting his shirt up but also because he’s overwhelmed, but this time, in a good way.

“You don’t have—” Dan starts to say when he turns around.

Phil cuts him off. “I want to Dan. You helped me…. More than you know.”

They’re standing face to face now, and Dan wraps his arms around Phil for another embrace. Dan felt so cold. So cold and so tired.

“Okay.” Dan says into Phil’s neck.

Dan pulls away and gets into bed and Phil comes up behind him, reaching up to turn the light off. He sets his phone on silent and it’s dark, the only sound is the rain tapping against the window.

Dan reaches in between them and holds his hand, it was almost as if it was a simple lifeline.

It’s moments like these where Dan wants to tell him that he likes him, tell him what he means to him, but the words get caught in his throat and he’s terrified of being rejected even if he knows that maybe, just maybe, Phil might like him too.

It’s the way that Phil holds Dan’s hand, like it’s this precious thing that needs to be handled with care (because so many people hadn’t), it’s the way that his thumb smooths over all of Dan’s sharp edges and gives Dan colour to his life. It’s overwhelming, all consuming, and Dan falls asleep to Phil humming a song that Dan doesn’t recognise but one that he wants to get to know. It’s like all the static, all of the screams are silenced and it’s just him. It’s just Phil, and it’s good.

 

*

 

Dan wakes up to an empty bed, the curtain has been closed but he could see how sunny it was outside. Dan gets up and rubs his eyes. He walks out the door that’s been cracked open. Phil is watching the coffee maker with intent eyes. Dan has to laugh.

“I thought you left.” Dan says with a yawn.

“I did. I went to the bakery to get some donuts and say hi to Hayley.” Phil smiles, reaching up to grab mugs from the cupboard.

“Oh. Right.” The bakery. Soph had been taking his shifts and he feels guilty.

Phil raises an eyebrow.

“Soph has been taking all my shifts since I’ve…” he doesn’t finish the sentence he lets it hang and Phil catches on.

“Friends help friends.” Phil says with a soft smile. He holds the donut up for Dan to take.

“Friends help friends, or whatever.” Dan adds quietly.

“Or whatever.” Phil repeats.

“Eat your donut, and I’ll make your coffee how you like it and then let’s get to work on your room.” Phil tugs on Dan’s hair and finishes making their coffees.

Dan graciously takes the mug of coffee and sips it. They bring their cups to Dan’s room. Phil opens the blinds and opens the windows, Dan’s room is always dark but there is something about the way the sun hits his bedroom. It’s just one little step to being able to breathe again.

“Let’s sort your clothes out, figure out what needs washed and then we’ll fold the rest and put them in your dresser again.” Phil grabs clothes off from the floor and puts them on the bed making a pile.

Dan feels the anxiety but he takes a deep breath and grabs his speaker to turn some music on for them to listen to.

It’s Bright Eyes, and Dan plays the album I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning because that seems to be the mood for the day. Phil turns to look at Dan with a grin.

“So, to not overwhelm you, how about I hold up articles of clothing and you tell me what pile to put it in.” Phil isn’t so much recommending it as he’s saying that’s how they’re doing it and Dan is grateful.

Dan has started to fold the clean clothes while Phil sorts his dirty clothes by colour. It makes Phil laugh because Dan’s colour palette isn’t the most extensive, it’s a lot of black, grey, and white. Dan shrugs his shoulders with a small smile.

“It’s who I am, Phil.”

Phil rolls his eyes, but he does stumble across Dan’s red Manchester hoodie. He holds it up and he smiles softly at it. He takes a deep breath and raises an eyebrow to Dan.

“Clean.” Dan reaches out for it, and Phil gives it to him, watching as Dan folds it more gently than he has with any other clothing. He sets it aside.

Phil finds another article of clothing that he recognises. His smile is big when he holds up his jacket that he lended Dan that one night on the cliffs.

“Oh my god.” Dan smiles, he shakes his head and Phil seems pleased.

“You can keep it.” Phil shrugs, smelling it himself before throwing it in the clean pile.

“No, it’s yours.” Dan says, pushing it back to him.

Phil gives Dan a look that he doesn’t quite understand.

“You can have it for a little while longer.” Phil’s stare is intense.

Dan nods, holding it to him for a moment, breathing in a scent that he’s grown to love, it still smells like Phil, just a little. He finds it funny that he’s trying to smell something that’s right in front of him. Dan shakes his head, folding it and setting it right next to his Manchester hoodie.

“Okay, I think I’ve sorted everything out, we just need to throw it in the wash now.” Phil takes the first pile out to the kitchen and opens the washer and throws the first load in, grabbing the detergent. Dan leans against the wall and watches Phil in his element.

“Alright, first load is in the wash, let’s start putting the folded clothes in drawers.” Phil grabs Dan’s hand.

“You like this?” Dan says with a small smile, Phil already has a system of where everything should go. They’ve been avoiding the boxes that Dan hasn’t unpacked yet. It’s a conversation that maybe they’re not ready for.

“I’m not a huge fan of cleaning but there’s something kind of cathartic about it.” Phil says with a shrug, “Plus I like being around you. It’s a win for both of us.”

Dan bites the inside of his cheek.

“Hmm.” Dan says with a smile.

Phil pokes Dan’s dimple.

“After we put these clothes in the drawer we can lay down or watch something.”

It’s motivation, and Dan turns the volume up, the current song is At the Bottom of Everything.

They talk about how Phil would race his brother when it came to chores, it was always a race for a sweet of some kind, it never really ended fairly, Phil admitted, he always ended up with a sweet because his mum always would sneak him one. Martyn would often roll his eyes and put Phil in a headlock and mess his hair up.

Dan smiles at the story, shaking his head and making fun of Phil.

“Basically you were a little shit.” Dan says with a smirk.

“Eff you,” Phil says, sticking his tongue out.

“Eff me? Eff you,” Dan snorts, “You really do act like a younger brother.” Dan says with another snort, shoving Phil.

“Didn’t you bully your younger brother?” Phil raises an eyebrow.

Dan rolls his eyes. “Duh. That’s the job of an older sibling. I mean, it wasn’t always that bad, you know? I feel like I raised him more than our parents did because they were always busy, or we were with our nana.”

Dan shrugs.

“Do you keep in contact with your family?” Phil keeps it light and Dan knows that he’s just genuinely curious.

“Uh,” he lets out a breath, handing Phil more clothes to put in the second drawer. “Not really. Not as much as I should.”

Phil nods. “I think my mum would come running if I didn’t call her at least a couple times a week.”

Dan thinks it’s sweet.

“Sometimes I wish it was like that,” He shrugs, “I feel like it got worse after….” Dan takes a deep breath, “After what happened to my friend.”  _Friend_ , Dan thinks.

“Before everything, I chose Manchester because they gave me an unconditional, and because it was far away enough. I think I gave myself so much space from them it’s like we all don’t know how to act around each other.” Dan didn’t like talking about his family, and it wasn’t because he didn’t love them, it’s just that he felt so guilty. He wanted to be a better brother and a better son.

“Do you think if you were to reach out to them they would answer?” Phil asks.

“My mum is coming, at some point. We…. we have a lot to talk about.” Dan nods to the boxes that have been stacked and opened but the content in the boxes have never been taken out.

“Oh.” Phil says, sounding a little defeated. “I see you. Like, moving back or something?”

Dan’s heart feels heavy and this was one of the reasons why he just wanted to live in the clutter because then he wouldn’t have to deal with this.

“I don’t know,” Dan says with a shrug, “I’ve been on a leave of absence since it happened. I don’t know what I want to do. I just want to stay here.” Dan looks up at Phil now.

“I would like that, too.” Phil smiles.  “I think it’s okay if you don’t have it all figured out, but talking about it is a good first step.”

 

*

 

Once everything is folded and in their respective drawers they lay on Dan’s bed staring at the ceiling together. It’s silent for a while, enjoying the cool breeze from the open window. Dan wants to savour this moment because it feels good with the sun.

“Can I ask you something?” Dan turns his head to look at Phil. His heart is beating fast and he’s considering just changing the question, but it was something that they hadn’t really talked about, and Dan wanted to know—because he wanted to know everything about Phil, even the parts that were complicated.

“Sure.” Phil says with a small smile, nodding for him to continue.

“How did you know that Theo was the one for you? Back then… you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I just. I’m thinking about those pictures in that scrapbook. Maybe that’s weird to think about but it was important to you.” Dan bites his lip now, wanting to look away but he doesn’t.

Phil doesn’t waver. “I didn’t. I mean. We were together for a couple of years, it got comfortable. That’s not to say that there wasn’t problems, but once you’re in it it’s hard to see anything else. It wasn’t like our relationship was toxic or anything, although like I said, he was in love with someone else.” He thinks again, reaching for Dan’s hand. “After we broke up, I would just think about how I was his backup choice. Because he couldn’t have who he wanted so he settled with me.” He shrugs now.

“Maybe that is true, but we were happy. _I_  was happy. But I think over time there was this divide, a lot of our arguments would be him telling me I needed to grow up and figure out what I wanted out of life, and I’d tell him that he needed to stop worrying about me. It sometimes felt like he knew he was better than me, and I just felt like I couldn’t live up to what he wanted me to be.”

Dan nods, squeezing Phil’s hand to let him know that he was there.

“It was my first like, proper serious relationship, I might have been too much too fast, and maybe I did act childish sometimes but…. I don’t know. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life but I enjoy the work that I do now, you know? I like the people who are in my life.” Phil gives Dan a soft kind of look that he had seen a few times, it’s a look that makes Dan feel like he’s the only person in the room.

Dan gulps.

“I’m sorry that he put doubt in who you are,” Dan whispers, “For the record I think you’re pretty great and it’s his loss for not seeing that.” Dan’s eyes flickers to Phil’s lips and he leans in and they’re so close to each other when the door opens.

Phil lets out a small gasp, and Dan closes his eyes, shaking his head before sitting up.

Hayley and Alex are talking among themselves before popping their head into Dan’s room.

“Hi.” Hayley says, putting her bag down before running over to them. She pins Dan to the bed before subjecting him to one of her bear hugs. “I missed you.” She squeals and Dan has to laugh, even though she interrupted something, because the truth was, he missed her too.

“Wait, I need to get on this!” Dan hears a thud of Alex’s bag dropping and now he’s got two aggressive lesbians holding him down in a tackle hug and he can hear Phil laughing.

“Get in here, Phil.” Dan says, but it sounds muffled. “You might as well since this is apparently a group effort.”

Phil piles on top of Hayley and Dan can’t breathe but he doesn’t mind it.

Family didn’t have to be blood, and being here showed him that.

 

*

 

Hayley and Alex get the cleaning supplies out, what turned into a small task now has two more people, they’ve decided to make a whole day out of it. Alex is cleaning their tiny kitchen while Hayley cleans the living room and bathroom. Phil grabs the laundry out of the washer and gets their drying racks out and sets it up, placing clothes on the rack before grabbing another load of laundry and placing it in the washer.

Dan is dusting his room, waiting patiently for the broom that Hayley has and the music that was just in Dan’s room can be heard throughout the whole flat (which, to be fair, isn’t that big to begin with), and Dan feels lighter the more that they clean. It was hard for him to see how involved everyone was, but Hayley wanted to clean the flat anyway, and if it helped Dan feel better then that was all that mattered.

_People need people._

Dan grabs his phone off the charger and he scrolls through his contacts.

 

_hey soph. sorry for not responding. i’ve had uh rough couple of days. i just wanted to say thanks for taking my shifts, i’ll be in tomorrow. if you ever need someone to cover you, count on me. <3 _

 

He reads the message over again before pressing send. Hayley walks in Dan’s room and hands him the broom and takes the duster off of Dan in a trade.

“We are halfway through your laundry!” Phil says with a wide smile.

Dan is about to say something when Phil stops him, placing a hand over his mouth.

“I like helping. You’re welcome.” Phil rolls his eyes but his smile remains.

Dan’s shoulders slump and he sticks his tongue out to lick Phil’s hand. It makes Phil squirm.

“You absolute heathen,” Phil says, wiping his saliva on Dan’s shoulder.

Dan smirks at him, shaking his head. “You didn’t let me speak. What if I like to hear the sound of my own voice?”

Phil rolls his eyes again, reaching out to poke Dan’s cheek.

“Disgusting boy.” Phil says with a grossly fond voice that makes all of Dan’s insides melt.

He was so, so screwed. He liked Phil so much it scared him.

Dan and Phil change his sheets, thankfully Hayley had another pair of sheets that they could use while they washed his current ones. They made Dan’s bed and got all the trash and threw it in the bin and sorted out every crooked thing and smoothed out all the edges and lines, fixing little things that had been broken. When they finished they sat on the edge of Dan’s bed and looked at their work.

“Thank you.” Dan says again, nudging Phil with his shoulders.

“You’re welcome.” Phil says nudging him back.

They can hear Hayley and Alex singing to some 2000’s playlist and Dan laughs, getting up and holding his hand out for Phil to take.

“How’s it going in here?” Dan watches as they’re dancing with the broom they stole again and the mop. They both turn to look at Dan, both their eyes zeroing in on their hands. Dan’s cheeks heat up and he smiles.

“As you can see, we are being very productive.” Alex says, wrapping an arm around Hayley.

“You are also making my ears bleed,” Phil says with a smirk.

Hayley gasps. “Phil, what an asshole.”

Dan laughs.

“You’re mean to me all the time Hayley.” Dan fires back jokingly.

“Yes, but it’s all out of love. I feel betrayed, I’ve known Phil longer. So rude.”

Phil shrugs. “You’re just not as cute as Dan.”

Dan squeezes Phil’s hand, but he has to turn his face away from him. His entire body feels tingly.

He peeks a look at Hayley who’s smiling, rolling her eyes at both of them. Alex flips them off and they go back to singing at the top of their lungs just to annoy them.

They go back to Dan’s room and Phil is staring at him. Dan can see from the corner of his eye. Dan wants to say something but he doesn’t know how to say it, doesn’t know how to tell him how he feels because it’s overwhelming. He was tired of never being able to say what was on his mind because Phil deserved better. He gulps and reaches out to take his hand, he opens his mouth and then there’s nothing.

“Sorry.” Dan says, shaking his head.

Sorry for not being able to get my shit together, sorry for not telling you how I feel, sorry for not making the first move over and over again. He stares at his lips again, knowing fully well that he could bridge this gap and get what he wants but then, he thinks of Theo. He thinks of how Theo had swooped in and stole Phil’s heart and left like it meant nothing to him. Dan didn’t want to remind him of that.

“It’s okay.” Phil says, a little unsure of why he’s saying it, but he squeezes Dan’s hand.

“Let’s go get food.” Phil thinks a second after, “let’s go to West Bay.”

Dan sees Phil’s big grin and he’s sold.

Dan grabs Phil’s jacket putting it on and grabbing the one pair of jeans that’s clean while the rest of his clothes are drying or waiting to be washed and sets his pyjama bottoms to the side. Phil sees him in his jacket and he ducks his head a little, but Dan can see a smile.

“We’re going to get food. Want us to bring you back something?” Dan asks the girls.

They look at them and shake their heads. “We’re good. We’ll switch your laundry if you don’t get back in time.” Alex smiles with a thumbs up.

They leave, running down the stairs and out the door, taking a left and Dan shoves his hands in his pockets kicking rocks as they go along. It’s a quiet kind of companionship that Dan likes, it makes him feel warm knowing that there was someone in the world that he could be quiet with. Whenever he was with his last girlfriend he sometimes felt like he had to fill the silence in some way, and it wasn’t that it was bad, it was just that it was exhausting for someone who liked to be in their own head for a while.

Dan thinks that he must have been a pain to deal with. He was always going so fast and it was hard to keep up with him. He leans into Phil a little bit, walking in his space. Phil looks at him with a twinkle in his eye and a soft laugh.

It’s easy to imagine being with him. It’s easy to imagine that this is something that they can always do. There had been many moments between them where it felt like they had known each other for years. It was comfortable, it was vulnerable, but above all it was gentle. It was gentle when so many things were not.

Dan was just scared of messing that up, maybe Phil didn’t feel the same. He didn’t want to be another person to let Phil down, and he didn’t want to push something that maybe Phil didn’t feel, even if there were so many signs that he felt the same way about Dan.

“I used to make this walk all the time,” Dan says, he grabs Phil by the elbow to take them down a street that’s kind of a shortcut.

“I was… really jumpy in the beginning,” Dan continues, letting go of Phil but sliding his fingers into his. Phil doesn’t blink when he does it, he’s just listening to him intently. It makes Dan feel a little dazed for a second before continue on.

“I used to like… get really shaky. It kind of felt like the beginning of a panic attack, and I’d just leave and go on these long walks, like this, to West Bay and climb up that ridiculously steep hill to get up on the cliffs. I fell once, right in the mud,” Dan makes a face, but he has to laugh. “It hurt like fuck, but when I was falling I just thought,  _well why was I even worried in the first place?_ ”

Phil squeezes Dan’s hand.

“The fear started to subside after a while, but sometimes there are moments where I just—” Dan shrugs, “Shut down, like I did for the past couple of days.”

Phil is staring at him with that same look that he doesn’t understand yet, but it makes Dan feel seen.

“But you always come,”

Dan nods. “I always come back.”

 

*

 

They go to the fish n chips shop, taking the corner booth and Dan can see how excited Phil is. It’s hard not to smile at him and his excitement. Dan thinks of that one night he had stumbled in here when they were near closing time, he thinks of how bad in general that week had been. He runs a hand through his hair now, watching the people around them.

“This place hasn’t aged at all,” Phil says with a small smile. “We used to go to this shop all the time during our holidays.”

Dan smiles at the thought of some places staying the same, a lot of West Bay and Bridport had revamped a lot of their shops to make it look modern, but there were places like this that were left untouched and it was a small little comfort.

Their food comes and Phil’s eyes widen staring down at it, he’s eager to eat and Dan shakes his head.

“Wait for it to cool off you idiot,” Dan says fondly, watching Phil take an exuberant bite before waving his hands around because it was too hot.

Dan snorts.

“I am physically incapable of doing that Dan. I am  _hungry_.” He says dipping into his tartar sauce.

Dan rolls his eyes, his smile growing wider by the minute.

He wants to say,  _I can’t believe I like you._

They talk about time travel, and multiverse theories, wondering what all the other Dan and Phil’s are doing, and if there’s a version of them that’s out there right now doing the same thing except for one thing is different.

“Maybe they’re eating pizza instead of fish n chips,” Dan muses, taking a hefty bite.

Phil looks up briefly, like he’s thinking about it. “Maybe it’s chairs instead of booths.” He counters with a shrug.

Dan chuckles. “Maybe we both embraced our natural hair.”

Phil gives him wide eyes. “Oh my god, that’s definitely a version of us.”

Dan wonders if all the other multiple Dan’s are crazy about Phil like he is, he has to believe that they are.

“I wonder if they’re having similar conversations like we are.” Phil takes the last bite of his food, there’s a few chips still left on his plate that Dan steals.

“I mean, they’re probably much cooler than us.” Dan shrugs.

“That’s so true.”

When they finish their food they walk out and head towards the water. The sky is a beautiful purple and pink with a few clouds overhead. There’s families packing up for the day, but tourism season is over, and yet it doesn’t feel that empty. Maybe because he has a Phil now.

They walk close to each other, fingertips brushing the other before Phil takes the leap and laces their hands together. Dan doesn’t acknowledge it, but it makes his heart swell. It’s everything that younger Dan had always wanted but was so afraid of having, the world was much crueler then.

 _This is what it feels like to like a boy_ , Dan thinks, and he wishes he could tell his younger self that it got better, that he didn’t have to worry so much about it.

They walk to the edge of the water, far away enough where they don’t get their feet wet but close enough to enjoy it for what it is. Dan looks to his left and just stares at the golden cliffs, and he feels so small, but it was never in a bad way—to be surrounded by something so magnificent was never a bad thing.

“You see that steep walking path? That’s what I was talking about earlier. My lungs felt like they were on fire but it has one of the best views.”

“Let’s do it.” Phil suggests.

Dan looks at it again and he laughs. “Fuck, okay. Dinner and a workout.”

“Does that not sound like an ideal night out for you?” Phil jokes, shaking his head.

The walk across the sand, hand in hand to the begin the steep path up. It takes a lot of effort, because it’s just as muddy as the path near Phil’s place. They’re laughing, Dan dragging Phil up with his hand and they’re out of breath when they reach the top. Dan can feel the sweat on the back of his neck and he thinks of how grateful he is for the cool wind and how good it feels on his cheeks.

“The view never gets old,” Dan whispers, it looks like a painting.

“I can understand why people would want to grow old here.” Phil has a small smile on his face, both looking out at the same view but interpreting it differently.

Dan holds his hand again, his thumb caressing small circles into his skin.

“There were a lot of times when I would come here early in the morning just so I could watch the sunrise. It was beautiful, for that small amount of time I didn’t think about my problems and it was probably the only time I wasn’t in my head because I was too amazed by what I was seeing now.” Dan says this looking while looking at Phil, who in turn, was staring out at the ocean.  

Dan wondered, in all of the many universes that they exist in, if he was ever brave enough to kiss him.

“I want to stay here for a while,” Phil says, turning to look at Dan.

“Then we can stay.”

 

*

 

Dan goes home to a clean flat and an even cleaner room. He hangs his ( _Phil’s_ ) coat up and grabs pyjamas to change into. He takes his journal out and starts to write a small little blurb of his day before putting it back in its place. He turns over in bed and stares at the wall in front of him. He thinks about Phil, he thinks of what it would be like to always have Phil there, taking up space not only in his heart but everywhere else, too.

Dan felt like that he had been alone for so long, he had forgotten what it was like to be around people that he loved who loved him back. He grieves over the friends that he had lost because of his inability to handle his own emotions which caused him to run, but he thinks of them and hopes that they’re doing okay now.

He thinks of how Hayley, Alex, Soph and Donna who took Dan in, even when he felt lost and broken, and thought that he was worth waiting around for.

He goes to sleep holding on to that.

 

*

 

When Dan gets back to work, nothing has changed. It’s not that he was even gone for that long but it had felt like it. He gets to work on the dough, his hands already know what to do, like muscle memory. Soph comes walking through the door and she smiles brightly at Dan.

“Hi.” she says, coming up behind Dan to give him a quick hug.

“Soph, do you ever sleep?” He laughs, but he’s more than happy to see her.

“No. I run on coffee.” She jokes, holding up her travel mug.

“No, actually Lauren and a couple other people have been working more hours. Donna pops in at random times.” Soph grabs all the things that Dan has already dirtied to clean before she starts helping him with the dough.

They fall into a comfortable silence before waiting for the dough to rest and proof, cleaning the dishes, and sitting down on the chairs while the coffee for the day gets made.

“How are you feeling?” Soph asks, she’s holding her travel mug in between her hands now, fingers tapping against it.

Dan smiles. “I’m doing a lot better.”

Soph nods, looking down at the ground before she makes eye contact with Dan again.

“Good. I’m glad to hear it.” She reaches out to squeeze his hand.

“Fill me in on you,” Dan leans back in his chair. “How are you and your mum?”

Soph lets out a sigh.

“We keep stepping on each other’s toes. I don’t know what to do to make it better, and she doesn’t know how to talk to me without yelling, and I can’t really blame her but…”

“—But it doesn’t make it right.” Dan finishes.

Dan felt his stomach swoop.

“I get it, I think.” Dan lets out a small breath, “I didn’t cope well. I was angry all the time, it got to a point where I couldn’t have a conversation with my mum because I was just…. Lost in my own grief.”

Soph grips onto her mug a little tighter.

“It wasn’t fair to my mum. It’s not fair to you. Maybe she’s not ready to accept her grief yet, or she’s just hurting and taking it out on you even though you’re also hurting. Either way, we have a couch you can crash on or you can even take my bed- I don’t care if you just need to escape for a couple days.”

“I think I just need to move out,” Soph sighs. “I will take you up on that though. Mind if I crash tonight?”

“Nah, come over, we can order pizza or something.” Dan places a hand on her shoulder.

Their timer goes off ten minutes later.

Soph sifts flour on the big table and grabs the big dough cutter, Dan flops the dough on the table and kneads it, picking it up and shaping it, he sets it on a tray with more flour before bringing it back to the table and flipping it over again, Dan grabs another palm full of flour and spreads it across with his hand. Soph hands him the rolling pin next and he flattens it out, the dough shrinks a bit and Dan smoothes the edges. Dan grabs the cutters and Soph takes the donut holes that Dan pops out in the process and sifts flour over it before placing them in the fryers.

They’re quiet again, both knowing what they need to do, Soph cleans while Dan sets the donuts out and turns all the lights on. He puts the chairs down and the bakery comes to life. He switches the music to the playlist he’s made for the bakery and their other coworkers come from the back, they exchange ‘hellos’ while waiting for the first few customers to trickle in.

An hour into the bakery opening Phil comes in, he’s wearing his university hoodie and glasses, and Dan can’t help but smile big seeing him walking up to him. Soph says hello and they talk for a minute while Dan grabs the donut that he says he likes the most (it’s the maple bars with a few donut holes on the side with a sprinkled donut).

“Hey,” Dan says, handing him his bag after he pays, “What are you doing?”

Phil shrugs. “I just wanted to say hi,” he shrugs, “Why do you want me to go?” he jokes and Dan rolls his eyes.

“Eff off.” Dan whispers, pushing his shoulder a bit.

Phil reaches across and cups Dan’s cheek, and Dan reaches out to hold his hand for a second.

“Soph is coming over later for pizza. You should come.” Dan says with a casual shrug and a playful smile.

“I’ll bring a board game.” Phil tilts his head and thinks about which one out loud.

“I’m super competitive so, you’re going to see a very ugly side to me, I’m just saying.”

Phil actually laughs. “Hayley is cutthroat, so I cannot wait for this to be a shitshow.”

Soph shakes her head, sipping on her coffee.

“I’m very small and very fragile.” Soph says, her eyes shifting between the two.

“It’s okay, we’ll just be scared with Alex in the corner.” Phil smiles.

“I’ll see you tonight then.” Phil reaches out and holds Dan’s arm giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Bye Soph, bring some armour!” Phil jokes, grabbing his donut out of the bag and pushing the door with his body.

Dan shakes his head.

Soph is staring at him with a curious smile. “Hmm.” She says.

“What?”

“Hmm.” She repeats.

“Shut up.” Dan’s cheeks heat up and he’s shaking his head.

“I didn’t say anything.” Soph shrugs.

“You didn’t have to say anything.” Dan pokes her with his finger.

“You like him, and he likes you, so why haven’t either of you made a move?” Soph leans against the wall, she’s staring out the windows guessing which bystander will come walking in.

“I don’t know.” Dan sighs, “I psych myself out every time I think about making a move.”

Soph thinks for a moment.

“Dan, make the move.” Soph says as the door to their bakery opens. She’s all smiles now greeting one of their regulars.

Dan wants to tell her he’s scared, even though he knows that she’s right.

He just needed to be brave.

 

*

 

Dan gets off work and heads to the store to get some last minute stuff for tonight. He thinks about what Soph said about making the first move. It’s not that he didn’t want to, there was just a lot of anxiety that came with making that move. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing and have it turn to shit. He chews on his bottom lip going up and down the aisles just grabbing sweets into his trolley and getting another box of popcorn for later to put into that bucket that Phil had gotten for both of them.

He gets home shortly after, groceries in hand. Hayley and Alex had picked up the pizza already and were chatting with Soph who was sitting on one of the counters with a peanut butter beer in her hands. Dan smiles at all of them placing the groceries on their small little table.

“Phil’s on his way.” Hayley says, chewing on one of wedges that they ordered.

Dan smiles, nodding, grabbing things out of the bags.

“Here,” Alex uses the bottle opener and handing Dan the beer. He takes his first sip.

He leans against the fridge now, all of them are just piled into their small little kitchen while the TV plays a rerun to some show. They start talking about their day and how Soph and Dan were basically done early because of a guy who took all the last remaining donuts in a box for some after school event thing for his son.

It was always a good time when they got to go home early. Alex talks about some of her favourite seniors at the nursing home she works at, she’s still got her uniform on.

“I’m going to go change into pyjamas.” Alex squeezes Dan’s shoulders in passing.

Dan feels good. His heart feels full having people in the flat. He thinks he’s starting to understand why Hayley likes having people over so much.

There’s a knock at the door and Dan slides (literally) to the door, almost hitting the wall. He opens it out of breath and Phil gives him an amused smile, shaking his head and kicks his shoes off.

“‘Sup?” Phil says with a small smile, not bothering to wait for an answer because he wraps his arms around Dan in a hug that makes him want to cry or sing.

Dan is aware of Hayley and Soph staring but he kind of doesn’t care. He just smiles into Phil’s neck.

“The pizza smells so good.” Phil says, pulling back but taking Dan’s hand to pull him into the kitchen with him.

“I know, we’ve been waiting for both of you to get here.” Hayley says with a playful roll to the eyes. She grabs plates and starts handing them out and they begin to plate their food.

Alex comes out not too long after looking more comfortable. She grabs her plate and they all sit in their living room. They put Zombieland on, making commentary in between.

There’s laughter in between the silences, there’s love in between the unspoken words, and in this space, it feels like a family. Dan loves this little family. It’s one they’ve created out of tired bones and veins filled with grief.

They play board games that Phil brought. Dan is a sore loser because he’s an older brother. Soph captures it with photos, and Hayley and Alex have their arms wrapped around each other.

“Fuck you, Phil.” Dan says, shaking his head as he pays him the last bit of his money in monopoly. “Fuck you so much.”

Dan is seething and Phil reaches over to squeeze his hand. Dan temporarily forgets how mad he is that he’s losing this game for a second but only gets snapped back to reality when Phil grabs the cards out of Dan’s hands.

He’s shaking his head now, and everyone in their group is laughing

Dan throws a piece of popcorn at Phil.

Phil gives him this innocent look that they both know isn’t innocent. Phil is winning because of course he is.

“God.” Dan groans, giving up because he’s lost.

They don’t play Life—it was already hard enough.

They drink more beer and make more popcorn until they’re all giggling messes lying on the floor.

They’re tipsy off of peanut butter beer and a night of laughter and boardgames. Dan turns his head to look at Phil and they stare at each other, Dan reaching out to poke Phil’s nose with his finger. He grabs Dan’s finger and wraps his hand around it. It’s just them in this tiny bubble, they’re the only people in the room for just one moment.

“I’m so sleepy.” Soph says, bringing them back to reality. Hayley and Alex both yawn from their corner of the room on the floor.

They all slowly start to get up from their spots.

“I’m going to head home.” Phil says with a sigh, grabbing his coat from the closet now.

“I’ll walk you out.” Dan smiles, sliding his shoes on.

“Do you care if I stay?” Soph is asking Hayley who is already grabbing pillows out of her room for Soph to use. Dan looks back at all of them and he gives Soph a thumbs up.

Dan walks with Phil down the stairs, the evening chill hits them and it feels so good for a second. The alcohol spread all throughout his body making him feel warm and fuzzy just like the way Phil makes him feel. Dan opens the door out towards the main road and they stand there, face to face in the moonlight.

Dan could lean in right now, he could tell Phil everything that he’s been dying to tell him for so long. The words always threaten to spill out.

Phil licks his lips and he’s leaning in, and Dan thinks that Phil is making the first move, but he presses their foreheads together, his hand gripping the side of Dan’s jacket.

They stand there like that for a moment, Dan trying to think of the right words but his head feels so clouded having Phil in his space like this. He has numerous of fantasies of just pinning him to the wall and kissing him until his lips go numb, but there was that little tiny voice of doubt that tells him,  _he’s just looking for a friend._

“I gotta go.” Phil says, his breath tickles Dan’s face.

“Okay.” Dan bites down on his bottom lip, and he watches the way Phil watches him.

They’re both dancing around each other, waiting for that first move.

Dan needed to be the one to do it. He knew that.

 

*

 

Dan says goodnight to Soph on the couch and knocks on the door to Hayley’s room telling them goodnight as well before he goes to his room. He sits down on his bed, just staring out the window for a moment. He takes his phone out of his pocket and he clicks on his mum’s contact.

 

_i’m sorry for pushing you away. i would like to see you soon._

 

He gets his computer out from underneath the bed and waits for it to turn on. He looks through his photo albums, remembering all the good times that Manchester did give him just because of his friends. He thinks of how hard it was to accept that they were his friends because Dan had a habit of pushing people away. He feels guilty and he knows that it won’t go away unless he learns to forgive himself. He’s still working towards that but he makes his background picture the one with his friends. He won’t change it again.

Dan logs back into his Facebook and he searches for Jacob’s profile and tries to remember him as that smiling face in all of his photos.

It was so hard not to imagine what he saw, he had been keeping those thoughts at an arm length distance but it affected him. He’ll never forget what it was like seeing his body just lying on the pavement, and he won’t forget what it felt like to feel someone else’s blood on him and his clothes. Dan had tried so hard to push the thoughts away but they were there.

His fingers shake, reading through all the posts that people have tagged Jacob in about missing him. One of their mutual friends from their group posted a picture of all of them a while ago, Dan won’t like it, but he’ll save the picture. It was a nice reminder.

He lets out a small breath that he didn’t know he was holding in. He closes his laptop and puts it back under the bed. He turns the lights off and he gets under the covers.

His phone buzzes and he reaches out to read the message.

 

_I love you. I’ll book my tickets tomorrow. Xx Mum_

 

Dan’s throat feels tight, but there’s a feeling of relief knowing that his mum was out there, and despite everything, still loved him.

 

*

 

Dan wakes up early in the morning and he finds himself back on the paths that he used to walk. He’s got his phone with him this time, he’s playing music and he’s enjoying that period before the sunrise. He makes it to the cliffs just a little bit before everything starts to wake up. His hands are in his pockets and he looks over the edge again, grabbing a rock and then he throws it. He doesn’t hear a sound.

The sunrise is glorious, it’s pink and orange hues light up the sky with just a couple of clouds here and there. It was getting colder now, Dan should have worn a thicker jacket, but he quite likes how he feels wearing Phil’s clothes.

Dan takes a picture of the sunrise to send to Phil.

 

_ik you’re probs asleep but look at this view_

 

Dan starts to walk back to the bakery to say hello and grabs a few donuts for him and the girls.

When he gets back there’s coffee made and they’re watching cartoons. Dan smiles, passing out the donuts before he grabs himself a mug of coffee.

“Are we still on to go to Southampton?” Hayley is on her phone, leaning into Alex.

“There’s a few things I want to get at Ikea but it can wait if no one wants to go.” Hayley looks up at Dan.

“I’m down.” He smiles, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Soph you’re welcome to come, it’ll be squishy in my tiny car but it’d be fun.” Hayley smiles and Alex nods.

“Sure. I’m always up for a road trip.”

“I’ll let Phil know when he wakes up.” Dan looks at his phone for a moment, hoping that Phil can sense that he wants to talk to him.

Dan slots himself on the couch he puts his feet up on the coffee table and watches cartoons with them. He thinks of early mornings at his nana’s house, she would say that they needed to go outside more but Dan always loved how homey her house felt when they were there. They’d get a nice breakfast too. He feels a pang of homesickness, he lets out a small sigh.

His phone buzzes.

 

 _I’m prettier than the view  
_ _Loll good morning :)_

 

Dan smiles.

 

 _that’s very true, you could go swimming in those eyes  
_ _good morning did u sleep well?_

 

Phil texts back right away.

 

 _That’s so cheesy i love it  
_ _I did! now i’m figuring out what to make for breakfast_

 

Dan takes a bite of his donut, reminding him that he didn’t finish his breakfast.

 

 _it’s supposed to be cheesy lol_  
_make some porridge and send me some_  
also are you still down to go to southampton? we’re making plans

 

It doesn’t take long for Phil to reply.

 

 _I hate cheese but I don’t seem to hate you_  
_Porridge??? What kind of heathen eats porridge???_  
Yess I’m excited!

 

Dan feels heat in his cheeks, that warm feeling spreads everywhere making his insides feel gooey.

“Phil says he’s down.”

Hayley gives a thumbs up. “Sweet. It’ll be a fun little road trip.”

 

 _oh damn so you like me, like me??? lol_  
_uhhh me??? i fucking love porridge_  
good me too :)

 

Dan gets up from his spot on the couch and walks towards his room to lay down and talk to Phil in his own little world.

Phil replies back right when his head hits the pillow.

 

_I do even if you’re a porridge and cheese lover. I think I can look past it. :p_

 

They’re reaching this territory that they always seem to reach and both of them are always tempted to cross the line but they never do. Dan wants so desperately to jump over that line. He could write him a letter of how he feels—he had always been better at writing out his feelings than expressing them verbally, but Phil deserved to hear it. He had to come up with a plan, even if it meant fighting with his anxiety.

 

_i like you too, you instant coffee lover._

 

Somehow, it was the most romantic thing that they’ve said to each other and it was perfect because it was them.

 

*

 

Dan works the next couple of days and talks to Phil on the phone during his free time. When the weekend comes they spend most of their morning packing up the car and making snacks that they can eat on the road. The journey to Southampton isn’t very long, but they were all very dramatic and liked having the options and variety in snack. Hayley had made them special donuts for the morning.

It was a nice and sunny day, a rarity it felt like, Dan had even rolled the window down watching as the houses fly by. He had stuck his head out a bit, enjoying the sun on his face. It soon got too cold and he rolled the window up with a content smile.

Phil had his suitcase outside already when they pulled up. Dan had gotten out and grabbed it and with his professional organisation skills managed to fit everything in the backseat and walked up to the door and let himself in.

Phil was making a cup of instant coffee to go, and his hair was pushed up and he had glasses on. Dan looked away briefly shaking his head.

“Rough morning?” Dan joked, walking over to him and helping him clean up the small little messes he made on the counter.

“I slept through all my alarms. I was up late last night finishing to reach a deadline.” Phil grabbed the sugar and he spilt a bit of it and he sighed.

“Hey,” Dan grabbed his shaking hands and pushed him away from the instant coffee. “I’ll do this, you just get the rest of your stuff into the car. Hayley is using your bathroom.” Dan took the bin out and pushed the sugar into the trash and mixed what sugar that did make it into the to go cup and closed the lid.

“No computer!” Dan yelled to Phil who was muttering about there being room for it.

“No computer?” Phil yelled back and Dan rolled his eyes.

Phil was back in the kitchen wide eyed at the coffee ready for him to drink. Dan reached up and tried to fix the hair that wasn’t really cooperating and almost like she knew, Hayley walked in.

“Aw.” She teased and she hugged Phil who looked like he needed it to be honest.

“Let’s go.”

Phil says hi to Soph and Alex, and gets in the middle so he could look out at the road in case he gets car sick. He’s got his travel mug in between his thighs and Dan shakes his head.

“We have special donuts that Hayley made if you want one.” Dan reaches behind to grab the box.

“What makes them special?” Phil grabs one.

“I made them. That’s why.” Hayley snaps back followed by a laugh.

Phil snorts, taking a bite from it.

“I mean, they’re pretty good. I’m not complaining. I’m always down for a donut with chocolate and sprinkles.”

Dan doesn’t have to see it but he knows that Hayley is rolling her eyes. Alex reaches for Hayley’s hand not far along into their trip. Dan looks over to Phil who’s got an intense stare out at the road passing them by and all of it’s green fields.

Eventually, Phil falls asleep against his shoulder, and Dan’s cheek ends up against the window. There’s music playing in the background, but if you were to ask him what the song was, he wouldn’t be able to tell you. He can hear chatter between Soph, Hayley and Alex, but Dan was gone.

They’re almost there by the time that Dan and Phil wake up, the sunny day seems to travel with them and for that Dan was grateful. They’re playing a playlist from the early 2000’s and Dan smiles at all the songs he recognises and laughs at all of Phil’s attempts to sing along to it.

Dan eats some crisps that they bought for this road trip, Alex often reaching behind her seat to grab at the bag and feeding Hayley. Their conversations are light, and Dan thinks that he’s got some of the best friends in the world. He was glad to exist in the same time as them. In the corner of his brain, he thinks of all of his friends back home, and how they’d all get along with each other.

Dan reaches out to hold Phil’s hand with the thought. Phil had always been someone that was able to ground him.

 

*

 

They get to the hotel right on time. Everyone aside from Hayley grabs their luggage. Alex has two luggages in tow and locks the car while they make their way to the lobby. They’re all sharing a two bedroom hotel with a pull out mattress. They have yet to discuss who’s going where but Dan has a pretty good idea on what Hayley and Alex are trying to pull.

He doesn’t know whether to yell at them or thank them. He thinks it’s more of the latter than anything.

It’s nice, Phil notices the coffee maker before anything else. Dan has to roll his eyes and pinch his shoulders. He surveys the rooms and looks at the beds. He looks at Hayley who’s shrugging.

“We can figure it out later. I’m really fucking hungry.” Her stomach growls and Dan has to shake his head, placing his suitcase near the window. Hayley hands out room keys for each of them, Dan taking care of the shared one between him and Phil.

“I found a place for us to eat. It’s across the bridge, it looks cute. Has mimosas.” Alex is looking up from her phone now to pass it around so everyone could look at the brunch menu.

“That looks so good.” Phil gives a thumbs up.

“I love brunch and I love mimosas, let’s do this.” Soph grabs her bag and takes her wallet out.

They head out of their room, Hayley grabbing Alex’s hand.

Soph is talking about the lack of brunch places in Bridport.

It kind of hit him that they were actually somewhere that wasn’t Bridport and West Bay. He had been there for so long now it was all he knew. When they walked out of the hotel to the car he looked around them at their view. They got a hotel close to the harbour, it wasn’t that long of a walk to get there, no less than two minutes. You could see all the boats docked and the lady at the front desk said there was a Tescos down the street.

They had splurged a little to get a nice view even if they weren’t going to be here for very long, it was just nice to be able to be out somewhere that wasn’t their home.

Soph was radiating that kind of energy. Dan had to smile at her as she danced her way to the car offering to take the middle seat. Phil shrugged, not wanting to tell her no.

“You know I can’t tell if you’re excited to be here.” Dan joked, bumping his shoulder against hers.

Soph bumps him back with a quick roll to the eye.

“It just feels different.”

Dan rolls the windows down to get that smell of sea air that he can have back at home. Soph had a point—being here was different. They didn’t have obligations to really do anything else other than to relax and hang out with each other. There were no worries about the bakery and who was going in for their shift. Dan wasn’t holed up in his room. He was with the people that he trusted the most.

It doesn’t take long for them to go across the bridge. Dan is looking out at the view wishing he had a camera to take pictures because it’s pretty here. They get off at the exit and are greeted with small shops. Hayley finds parking and they’re loading out looking at all the cute little shops and trinkets through the window.

There’s outside seating at the restaurant, Dan looks up at the sky, it’s still sunny with a few clouds but it didn’t look like it was going to rain anytime soon.

They ask to be seated outside, Phil sits next to Dan on one end of the bench and Soph sits on the other end with Hayley and Alex. Dan has to look up at the seating arrangements, he’s trying desperately to make eye contact with Hayley but she’s playing innocent, talking about sharing a meal with Alex.

Dan looks to Soph who was looking at him but once their eyes connect she stares down at her menu with a big smile on her face. He looks to Phil now who is completely oblivious to whatever game they’re playing, Dan shakes his head.

The waitress walks up to their table Dan is the first to ask for a pitcher of mimosas.

“What are you getting?” Phil is giving Dan his full attention, his body facing towards Dan.

Dan has to look down at the menu to think.

“I don’t know. Would it be cliche to get a Full English Breakfast?”

Phil shrugs. “I don’t think so. It’s rare when I have one but it’s nice. Reminds me of my grandparents, actually.”

Dan smiles at the thought.

“What about you?”

Phil looks down at the menu humming along to the beat of his own drum.

“I’m thinking about getting an omelette.”

“I’d say we have some strong contenders here.” Dan smiles, not noticing how his body is turned towards Phil too.

They’re still staring at each other, but what breaks their contact is the pitcher of the mimosas being placed right in front of them with glasses for everyone.

Dan pours the drink in everybody’s cup and they clink their glasses.

Hayley and Alex are figuring out the schedule for the day, Soph is talking to Phil about what they’re going to order. Dan finishes his drink fast and pours a little more. The waitress comes back soon after and takes their orders.

By the time their food gets to them they’re all giggling messes and a little bit drunk, but it’s fine—it’s more than fine because they’re happy.

 

*

 

They take a walk along the harbour, and then they get back in the car to go to Ikea. It was the whole point of the trip, even if it was secretly just to get out of Bridport for a while. Hayley wants to change the flat up a little bit, she’s ready to be out with the old and in with the new. It was a plan that she’s had for a while with Alex finally moving in at the end of the month. Dan just went along with it because it really wasn’t his place to say anything other than agree and to help pick out furniture and help build it.

“We need to get a bigger shelf for the DVD’s,” Dan says as they walk.

He notices how all the rooms look more homey than his. Phil is following in tow, their hands brushing against each others before Dan takes the initiative and laces their fingers together.

It was like they were playing house. Pointing out all the things they’d like to put in this metaphorical house, Dan with his shelves and organizational bins, everything having its place exactly where he likes it.

There’s a minimalist-looking room that Dan actually squeals over.

“A room needs things,” Phil says, squeezing his hand.

“Sure, a few art pieces here and there but it just looks so clean.” Perfect. Everything that Dan was not. If he couldn’t be it then he wanted to somehow make it seem like it. It was unattainable goal. They were just rooms—rooms that make you mark something down on a little pad to get downstairs when you were ready to purchase and then put together when you got home.

“My dorm back in Manchester was just a little tiny box.” Dan says with a small laugh. “It really wasn’t anything. I just put letters that friends at home would send me on the wall, my Muse and Kanye West posters just to give it a pop of colour.”

“That sounds so sad Dan.” Phil gives him a quizzical look before shaking his head, “My room was very… green. It wasn’t intentional. I can’t live in a constant dark state. I had this big window that peered out into the court, it was great—when it wasn’t raining.”

Dan shakes his head, smiling. “I can see that. I bet your room was messy, yeah?”

Phil places a hand over his heart. “How dare you. I cleaned my room.”

Dan gives him a look that says he doesn’t believe him.

“Fine. It was messy. I just was busy.” Phil gives an innocent shrug that makes Dan snort.

“Right.”

“He was always messy. That hasn’t changed.” Hayley chimes in with a thumbs up towards them.

They’re walking into the section with all the beds. Soph has already claimed a bed to jump on. Hayley and Alex find one that’s high off the ground. Dan walks towards one that’s about a good height, he presses a hand down on the mattress before climbing on and laying down on it. Phil joins him and he turns his head to Dan and grabs his hand again.

“I’m sad that this mattress is more comfortable than the one I bought.” Phil says with a sigh.

Dan smiles. “Anything is better than mine.”

Phil thinks about it for a moment. “It wasn’t horrible to sleep in. Bit lumpy—”

“I gave you the good lump,” Dan interjects.

Phil rolls his eyes.

They’re silent for a bit, Dan has his eyes closed, listening to the sound of people walking through this section of the store with children running on the beds that look like the most fun.

“I think our friends left us.” Phil says, sitting up on the bed and looking back.

Dan looks for them and doesn’t find them.

“Twats.” Dan says with a laugh.

They get up from the bed now and start to walk towards the next set of rooms to find their friends.

Hayley and Alex are picking out a new comforter for Hayley’s bed. Soph has already grabbed one and put it under her arm. It has pink and white squares all over it.

“Look, Phil. There’s a green checkered comforter for your bed.” Dan teases holding it up.

Phil shakes his head. “That’s actually pretty cool.”

“Of course you think that.” Dan smiles, his fingers feeling all the fabrics.

“Let’s go downstairs.” Hayley has a comforter. It has floral designs on it.

They walk to the escalators and are greeted to the right with trolleys waiting for them to use. Hayley grabs one. There’s a bunch of home goods, and Dan has taken the liberty to grab the things that Phil needs for his tiny house and throwing it in the trolley too.

“Keep in mind that my car is small.” Hayley yells from across the store.

Dan and Phil have made it to the different pieces of art and photography.

There’s pictures of New York City and London.

“I love that one.” Phil points to the London photo.

“Me too.” Dan agrees.

“I just love London. It’s always been a dream to move there.”

Dan looks at him again, “Same.”

He had many dreams of getting his degree and working in London, he’d have a nice little flat and was friends with his neighbours, maybe he’d adopt a cat or something to keep him company. He’d have plants that he’d take care of and the commute to his job wasn’t too bad. His friends would come over on the weekends and they’d still have their potlucks but with better food that they could afford now because they were lawyers. It was all dreams though.

Dan looks away from the photo now.

“Come on.” Phil grabs Dan’s hand and pulls him out of it. He’s very good at doing that when he needs it the most.

They’re looking for the shelving unit that Hayley wrote down, having to grab one of the longer carts. Soph is managing that one, often getting on it to cruise. Dan pushes her and she slides down on the of aisles and he runs to help her stop before she ran into a wall. They’re a mess, but they’re having fun.

“Found it.” Phil says reaching up to grab the box and placing it on Soph’s cart. Hayley and Alex wait in the line while Dan, Phil, and Soph look at the food court. They buy ice creams for everyone.

“Sad there wasn’t a flake.” Phil mentions, licking the edge so it doesn’t spill. Dan has to make himself look away, gulping and paying attention, (probably too much attention), to his own ice cream, not even realising that some of it has already gotten on his hand and is sticky now. It doesn’t help his thoughts at all.

“Do you really need a flake?” Dan raises an eyebrow and Phil narrows his eyes at him.

“Yes you monster. It’s what makes the ice cream.”

Dan shakes his head.

Hayley runs to the car to bring it up to the loading area.

“It’s going to be so fun trying to figure out how to organise the car when we put all our suitcases back in here.”

Alex nods. “Yeah, we really fucked ourselves with this one.”

 

*

 

They make it back to the hotel and hang out in the room watching the telly. Hayley and Alex have claimed the one bed with Soph who’s laying there temporarily until they can be arsed to set the couch up.

Dan and Phil are laying on the other bed and Dan is aware of how close Phil is laying down next to him. It wasn’t weird, they had slept together in the same bed before and cuddled many times, it just felt more personal with their friends in the room. Dan looks up at the ceiling and shakes his head.

 _Fuck it_ , he thought. It didn’t matter to him whether his friends knew, he wasn’t ashamed of liking Phil. He turned to look at Phil who had his eyes closed. His glasses were still on. Dan had reached over to grab them and take them off of his face and leaned over to place them on the bedside table, he reached out for the blankets and pulled it over him while getting comfortable himself. He didn’t fall asleep just yet, he just watched Phil for a minute, and then his eyes started to droop.

 

*

 

When Dan wakes up, there’s only a minimal amount of light shining out the window. Phil is sitting up in the bed now on his phone and watching the tv. Dan gives himself a minute to wake up. He feels Phil’s hand on his head briefly, messing with his hair. Dan shakes his head, sitting up and looking around the room. Hayley, Alex, and Soph are getting ready and Dan looks at Phil who’s already dressed.

“Morning sleepyhead.” Phil says, taking a drink of his hotel cup of coffee.

Dan reaches over to look at the time and it’s only seven.

“I didn’t realise how tired I was.”

“It’s okay, I woke up only fifteen minutes ago.”

Dan gets up and grabs his suitcase and looks through it for any kind of clothes that would be appropriate for a night out. He’s got Phil’s jacket that he brought, and so far that’s the only thing that seems like it would fit in with whatever that they were doing. He lets out a breath, but then he laughs. It’s a reminder of being back at Manchester when his friends would spring on him that they wanted to go out and he had about a half hour to get ready. He didn’t know how he pulled it off then, but it didn’t really matter because they knew what Dan was like after all those years of being friends.

He grabs one of the pairs of pants that they cleaned and a shirt that doesn’t look wrinkled from him just throwing it in his suitcase.

He knocks on the bathroom door and Hayley and Alex are doing their makeup and curling their hair.

“Can I change real quick?” They make room for him and Soph leaves giving him just a tiny bit more space, he looks between both of them before shrugging and closing the door.

“Did you have a nice nap?” Alex let’s go of a strand of hair that bounces on her shoulders.

Dan looks at her in the mirror and narrows his eyes.

“What are you doing?” He yanks his shirt off and grabs the grey shirt and pulls it over his head.

“I don’t know what you mean.” She says with a shrug, grabbing another part of her hair to curl.

Hayley’s mouth twitches and Dan points to her. “What are you planning?” He whispers.

Hayley just shrugs. “We’re not planning anything.”

He takes his jeans off next still making eye contact with them through the mirror.

“I can do it myself.” He whispers a bit more louder than the last.

Hayley and Alex both turn to look at him now.

“You’re doing a pretty shite job at it.” Alex reaches over to pat the top of his head.

Once he’s finished changing he grabs the pants and shirt and holds them in his lap while he sits on top of the toilet.

“I’m scared.” He whispers, “I’m scared all the time, and I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

Hayley looks like she’s finished with her makeup, she walks over to Dan and grabs a comb and starts doing his hair.

“Have you ever thought that Phil might also be scared?” Hayley’s voice is low, she takes her time combing through his hair, and honestly it feels really good. “Theo played a lot of games with him before he asked Phil out. I’m not saying you’re the same, because you’re not but—if you like him, let him know.”

Hayley kisses his forehead like his nana would and he rolls his eyes but there’s a grateful smile that he gives her.

He walks over to the door now and looks back at them and mouths,  _thank you_.

Dan sits down back on the bed and scoots back and he looks at Phil who seems really into what’s playing on the telly. He feels his heart do jumping jacks, and he’s shaking a little. It had been a long time since he felt this way about anyone. He remembers the few guys he dated in university, it wasn’t really anything because Dan was too scared then, but this time he’s scared for a whole different reason. Dan had a pretty good way of ruining things before they could even get started because of his own insecurities. It was something that he wanted to work on, and he felt like maybe it wasn’t fair to Phil if he did that if they ever got together.

He remembers that conversation that they had a long time ago, sure it might have been about them being friends _or whatever_ , but Phil would be getting a very broken version of Dan. He thinks that maybe it’s always been broken—and the incident had just made it worse, either way, he clings on with hope, when Phil said, “ _that’s okay,_ ” he meant it, because Dan was tired of running away from his feelings when they got intense. He had been doing it for so long he didn’t even realise how much he exhausted himself when he did it.

Dan reaches out to poke Phil’s cheek.

Phil reacts with a smile and never pulling his eyes away from the tv, he reaches out to pull Dan’s hair. Dan leans against his shoulder and they watch together while they wait.

 

*

 

They take the bus to one of the restaurants recommended to them by one of the people that work at the hotel, they’re standing outside of it and they all look at each other like,  _we’re not rich enough to eat here._ They’re all laughing walking away from it, Alex is on her phone looking for places nearby and Dan looks through all the windows at the different shops. It reminded him a little bit of Bridport, he wondered if this place had a shop run by a woman who gave a job to anyone who needed it.

They’re choosing between a pie shop and a pizza shop, noting that there is a difference in the two. Dan and Phil stay in the back letting the girls decide where to go. Dan was a little nervous to eat.

“This one has a pub next to it.” Alex and Hayley are in deep discussion standing next to an even more expensive restaurant. It was a funny thing, but it felt like the many times that his friends would try and coordinate a nice night out. They always ended up at either Zizzi’s or Nandos.

“We’re going to the pie shop.”

Hayley leads the way, it seems fitting.

“What are you thinking about?” Phil questions, his voice is low but gentle.

When Dan looks up at him he’s got an even more gentle smile.

“Sorry.” Dan shakes his head. “In my head.”

“That’s okay.” Phil bumps his shoulders against him.

“I’m just thinking about my friends.” He shrugs, letting the thought pass.

“Oh, from Manchester?”

Dan feels guilty, but he nods. “Yeah.”

“That’s also okay.” Phil reminds him, grabbing his hand and giving it a quick squeeze.

“I think about that stuff sometimes too.” Phil shrugs, but he does something, he wraps his arm around him, and it’s something that they haven’t really done before, it throws him off a little but he doesn’t hate it. He smiles being able to be tucked against him like this.

These feelings were so new but felt like they’ve done this for a very long time.

(According to Dan and Phil’s multiverse theory—they have done this many, many times.)

 

*

  


Everyone got a different pie so they could try them all and then when they were done they went next door to the pub that had a happy hour. They sat at one of the bigger tables near the back. Dan had ordered a cider and got one for Phil too. Alex was busy talking to some of the people that had lived here asking them for good places to go clubbing.

Dan and Phil looked at each other across the table and smiled down at their drink. They weren’t keen on going out to clubs but they were three people who did. Dan looked back up at Phil who shrugged.  _Could be fun_ , he mouthed. Dan nodded, tapping his fingers against the glass and smiling at Hayley who made it back to the table with the two drinks. Soph sat down next to Dan and was slowly nursing her drink.

“Okay,” Alex plopped down and looked enthusiastically at the group. “I got a couple places that we could go. They recommended one gay bar so I’m hoping that’ll be good.” She said the names out loud and Dan looked at Phil again with a small smile. 

“I’ve never been to a gay bar.” Soph sounded happy about the prospect of going. “I mean—yeah I’ve never gone.” She looked at her glass nervously.

“Oh,” Dan said, looking up at Hayley and Soph for a second, “I mean it’s fun if you find the right one.”

“I think, like, I was too scared to go to one because I guess I was afraid my mum would assume I’m gay… like even if it’s true. I don’t know.”

Dan smiles, “I get that. I think the first time I went to a gay club I felt really out of place but… it’s fun when you’re with the right people.”

“Yeah!” Phil joined, leaning into the table a little, “And we’re your right people!”

Soph’s smile is worth going to the clubs.

 

*

 

They stay for one more drink before getting on the bus to their next stop.

The first club that they go to is a little hole in the wall, barely enough room for everyone but they have a patio out back to order drinks at the mini bar. There was a lot of smoke, and there were really bright neon lights that made Dan’s eyes hurt. Hayley and Alex had gone to the mini bar to order drinks and Soph tagged along behind them. There were couples sitting together on the benches, people dancing along to the beat that the DJ was playing from the inside that was loud enough to hear from the outside. It was more chill here, it wasn’t at the same hype as Manchester, but he couldn’t give a really accurate description of what it felt like since he had pre-gamed before they hit the clubs and he would be already halfway gone.

“Do you want a drink?” Dan leans in to ask Phil, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt so he could hear him.

“Sure!” Phil is kind of loud and Dan scrunches his face at it. Phil laughs, pushing him towards the bar.

Dan leans in so the bartender can hear him, “Can I get two Blue Hawaiians?”

He comes back with two very blue drinks.

Phil snorts when he grabs it. “Looks like a smurf.”

“Probably tastes like it too.” Dan smiles.

They walk towards the girls who are standing in the back trying to get away from the smoke. They cheers each other and take sips of their drinks. There’s not a whole lot going on at this place but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

There’s a couple benches that they sit on, their conversations are light but from the looks of it, their group is going to be going to the next club. Dan tries to power through his drink but he was always a nurser. Phil kept stirring it, like it would help the alcoholic taste. Dan reached over to grab it from him to finish it for him.

Phil laughed. “Thank you, oh my god.”

They got up from their seats and started to walk towards the entrance again to head out.

Dan linked their arms while they walked, Alex was leading the way and Hayley and Soph were singing along to the song that was playing inside. Dan didn’t recognise it but he could appreciate their attitude. He smiled watching them noticing that Phil had his phone out to record them when they weren’t looking.

It was nice, this night, it was just really nice, and maybe that had to do with the fact that he was linked with Phil, but that was just a good little bonus.

“Not too far now!” Alex yelled back to the group.

The second place is a bit more louder and a bit more colourful. Soph’s eyes widen when they get there. Dan grabs Phil by the hand to help navigate through the big crowd to the bar with Hayley, Alex and Soph.

“Let’s do shots!” Hayley yells to the group, she leans over and asks for four and Dan looks at Phil again with a small smile.

“I hate shots.” Phil says into Dan’s ear.

It makes Dan’s ear burn. He shivers slightly.

“Me too, but,” Dan shrugs, grabbing the two that were for them.

“Ready?” Hayley asks and they nod.

Dan throws it back and automatically feels it in his belly before it reaches anywhere else. Dan shakes his head placing the shot glass down and towards the bartender.

“I did not like that.” Phil says with the same facial expression.

Phil leans over the bar and says to the bartender, “Can you please make me something so fruity that I can’t taste the alcohol?”

Dan shakes his head, hiding his face in his hands at Phil’s request. He snorts, pinching Phil’s shoulders.

“What? I’m paying for it!” Phil says with a big grin.

The bartender seems amused and starts pouring in all kinds of juices and alcohol and Dan thinks that it’s probably more than Phil bargained for.

“I think this will be my last drink.” Phil leans into to Dan.

Dan nods his head in agreement. He orders something simple, a cranberry vodka.

Whatever concoction Phil was made turned out to be pretty pricey but when he sips it his eyes widen and he nods. “Yeah, that’s good. It’s dangerous, but it’s good.”

“What does it taste like?” Dan furrows his eyebrows, making grabby hands until Phil hands it to him.

It tastes like pineapple and Malibu with something else that he can’t quite name but he can still taste the alcohol pretty well but it’s definitely not as prominent.

Dan like cocktails, just not at clubs.

He hands it back to Phil and they figure their way out to the back, drinks held high up in the air. It’s so dark in here they could barely see.

They were watching the drag queens that were on the small stage in the corner, Dan smiles, thinking of his first time being somewhere like this when he had just come out. He felt invincible like the world couldn’t touch him.

They stay there for another thirty minutes until they start to get bored, Alex finds them another place to go.

Dan at this point is feeling light, not bad—he feels good. He links their arms again as they walk down the streets of Southampton on their big gay escapade.

It seems that the clubs get louder and brighter, they wait in a line outside huddling together until they’re finally in. They want to do shots again and Dan looks at Phil who shrugs.  _Why not?_  He mouths.

Dan is done drinking for the night, but he enjoys watching Hayley, Alex and Soph loosen up to a point where they want to go dance. Dan and Phil hang back, sitting on one of the table top chairs, Phil holds his hand out for Dan to take.

He watches their hands intertwine, thinking of how they already act together but they’re not. It should drive him crazy, but it doesn’t. His thumb draws smooth circles into his skin. They watch their friends scream out the lyrics to the remix that’s playing. Dan watches the people around them, smiling at those who smile at him. He was feeling light even if his heart was feeling a little bit heavy.

He takes a deep breath.

The memory is a quick one, Liz and Jacob were dancing in the corner while their friends were dancing out with the rest of the club. Dan was standing in the back watching everyone because he didn’t want to drink that much since he had to study for an important test the next day that he absolutely couldn’t fail because he had already missed so much class. He remembers watching the way that Jacob and Liz looked at each other, it was like they were the only ones on the dance floor, the only ones in their own little corner. Dan had to look away at some point, it felt too personal, too intimate.

The memory makes him involuntarily squeeze Phil’s hand who in turn looks at Dan with a raised eyebrow.

“Are you okay?” He asks, it’s hard to hear him over the loud music.

Dan shrugs and nods. He was about to tell Phil that he was _just tired_ , but Phil didn’t deserve that.

The truth was, as much as the memory hurt, he wanted that. He wanted that moment that Jacob and Liz had, the kind of moment that Hayley and Alex have. Whenever he looked at Phil it was like tiny little fireworks going off in his chest, and he knows that it sounds cheesy, but it was true. He didn’t know if it was supposed to hurt or feel as raw as it did, but he thinks that it must mean that it’s real.

_If you like him, let him know._

His heart was beating fast and he swore that he could feel it in his throat, making it hard for him to breathe.

“Do you want to go?” Dan asks.

Phil looks relieved, he nods enthusiastically.

They walk towards the girls pulling whoever was closest aside saying that they were heading back to the hotel and to text them if they needed anything. They wave goodbye to the rest of their gang and hold hands to help lead each other out of the crowd.

Dan is nervous once they’re finally out of the club.

Phil takes a deep breath, throwing his head back and stretching out his arms.

“Sweet, sweet air.” He says, and Dan shakes his head.

He looks down at the pavement as they start walking.

He had a lot of nervous energy that he needed to kill.

“Maybe we should figure out where we’re going before we start heading a certain direction.” Phil says, stopping them and pull them aside.

“Good plan.” Dan chuckles, his laugh feels forced.

Phil looks at him briefly before getting his phone out of his pocket to look up their hotel and try and find it on their maps.

He’s got it mapped out a minute later and they’re on their way. Dan’s eyes are still glued to the pavement now, and he’s not sure if he’s really walking, he just kind of feels like he’s floating. He’s walking a little bit behind Phil and he keeps looking back at him, and then he holds out his hand.

Dan looks at that hand that he’s held numerous of times, when he stretches his own hand out it feels like his heart is too. He takes a small breath, and Phil starts talking about topics that are going one ear out the other for Dan.

Phil notices.

They weren’t that far from their hotel, they had a couple more minutes to go since they went in one big circle it seemed like this entire night, but Dan was thankful. He had so many thoughts swirling around his head and he wanted to talk about them because they were threatening to spill over at any given moment.

Phil keeps his grip on Dan, reminding him to stay present, reminding him that no matter what he’s not going anywhere. Dan thinks that Phil knows that he’s not really here, it’s why he keeps on talking and it helps. There’s laughter that comes from behind them, Dan looks back and sees a couple, and Dan gulps again.

They walk across the street and pass the Tesco’s.

“He’s with me all the time.” Dan blurts out.

They’re getting closer to the harbor and Phil stops.

He looks confused and Dan needs to grip onto something. He tugs Phil towards the harbor away from the street.

“He’s with me all the time.” Dan repeats. “Jacob.”

Phil doesn’t say anything, and Dan takes that as his cue to keep talking.

“He’s always here, he never leaves and I don’t know why, Phil. I don’t know why—e-even if I kind of do.” He stutters on his words, trying to talk as fast as his thoughts are moving right now. “I can’t let him go. I tried to. I just. I feel guilty. I feel guilty all the time. I talked to my therapist about it, and I did find some kind of peace with it, and I know that it wasn’t my fault, but it’s still there. That guilt. That feeling of maybe it could have been prevented.

I’m sure you saw what they showed on the news. He was stabbed. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He had a girlfriend. He had a kid, Phil. He was a good dad. He stopped going out with us altogether when she was born, and we understood that because we were his friends.

"I was his friend.” Dan’s hands are shaking and Phil takes them with both of his.

“I used to be so scared, and I didn’t know why I was scared because it was an isolated attack. There was a motive but it was for one person and they weren’t there, it should have been someone else but it wasn’t. I don’t get it.” Dan feels a tear stream down his cheek and Phil reaches out to wipe it away with his sleeve.

“Sorry.” Dan says again, wiping his face with his shaky hands.

“Don’t. Keep talking.” Phil grabs his hands again.

“It took me so long to wash the shirt that I wore and then I cried when I did. I didn’t go to any of the memorials the school or his family had. I was asked to speak at his funeral but I didn’t…. I didn’t even go to the burial. I just ran.”

“You ran,” Phil repeats, every so often wiping tears of off Dan’s face.

“I ran—to West Bay because it felt like the only place where grief hadn’t touched. Turns out that I just brought it with me…..” He closes his eyes now, before staring back at Phil, “And then I met Donna, Hayley, Alex, Soph and you.”

Phil holds Dan’s hands to his heart.

“I like you.” Dan’s voice doesn’t waver this time. “I like you and I have for a while and I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want you to think that you were just this person that I met and was going to be done with when I figured my shit out. I like you and it scares me—because I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t want to be a lawyer. I don’t think I ever did—that’s not the point—the point is: I don’t know anything. I just know that I like you and I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you.”

Phil gives him that same look that he’s been giving him for a very long time now and Dan was just starting to understand what that look meant.

Dan’s about to say something else before Phil cuts him off with a kiss.

It’s a kiss that knocks the air out of Dan’s lungs, and it doesn’t take him long to respond back—Dan wraps his arms around his neck, pulling him closer and feeling the hair against the nape of Phil’s neck. He feels Phil’s hand on his waist and it’s so cold outside but Dan felt like he was on fire. Dan pulled away for a second so he could breathe before he pulled him in again, this time deepening the kiss, sucking the bottom of Phil’s lip.

Dan stops.

“Wait.” He pulls away, “I wanted to be the one to kiss you first.”

Phil just stares at him before he cracks a smile. “Too late.”

Phil tugs him closer by his jacket, their foreheads resting against the other, listening to the other try and catch their breath.

“I like you too.” Phil says, “So much.”

Dan places a hand on Phil’s cheek, his thumb caressing what he can touch, he brings him in again  _because he can_.

Dan wraps his arms around Phil, trying to get as close to him as possible. Phil holds him, and they breathe together,  _in and out_ , until Dan’s heart rate goes back to normal.

“I’m sorry you lost your friend, Dan. I’m sorry that it happened. I can’t take any of that away from you, but just know that you don’t have to go through it alone anymore. I want to be here for you, because you’ve been there for me.”

“Don’t make me cry again, Phil.” Dan says, his voice muffled by Phil’s neck.

“Not my intentions.” Phil says with a gentle laugh. He feels Phil kiss the side of his head.

“I’m exhausted.” Dan whispers.

“Let’s go to bed.”

Phil holds on to Dan’s hand while they walk through the hotel and get in the lift. They stare at each other in wonder and excitement. Dan has to remind himself that this was real, and that Phil said he liked him back. It’s one thing to think it, but knowing the confirmation, it makes him feel warm in a way that he hasn’t felt before.

They change and brush their teeth and get under the covers, Phil pulls Dan close to him, his back against his chest—Dan being the little spoon. This, he thinks, is much better than staring at a ceiling wondering what it would feel like to have a moment exactly like this. He had it now, and it was better than anything he could ever dream of.  

“Goodnight Dan.” Phil presses his lips to the back of Dan’s head.

Dan can’t hold back his smile.

“Goodnight Phil.”

 

*

 

Dan wakes up at three a.m. to the sound of whispering. He peeps one eye open and sees the girls stumbling in their hotel room. They keep telling each other to be quiet, shushing loudly and then shushing again but quieter. Dan smiles, feeling content in this space, Phil’s arms are still wrapped around him, and he feels warm.

“Oh fucksake,” Soph groans. “We forgot to set up my bed.”

Dan hears a tripping and then they laugh again.

“Fuck it, just sleep with us.” Dan isn’t sure if Alex was attempting to whisper but its hard for him to hold in his laughter.

They kick off their shoes, (he thinks, he heard a lot of loud thuds), and then a collapse on a bed.

“I don’t know what you think you’re grabbing but that’s my boob.” Hayley giggles.

“Oh, perfect, that’s exactly what I was aiming for.” Alex snaps back.

“I’m bloody cold.” Soph sighs.

Dan hears the covers move and then a quiet,  _thank you._

It doesn’t take a lot for him to fall back asleep.

It’s around eight when he wakes up, his eyes feel a little puffy but all in all, it was some of the best sleep that he’s had. Phil is awake, on his phone laying right next to him still, his hair is sticking up in random places and he has his glasses on.

 _He’s so cute._ Dan thinks, before realising, he could actually do something about it now.

Dan turns, looking right up at Phil who takes his eyes off his phone to look back at Dan.

“Hi.” Phil’s voice cracks.

Dan smiles, moving so he can reach up, he doesn’t kiss him right away, he takes his time, their nose brush up against each other. Phil closes the gap, and Dan swears that his heart flutters. It’s a soft kiss, it’s not as passionate as last night’s kisses but that was okay, because this felt just as good.

“Morning.” Dan whispers, looking over at the dysfunction that was Hayley, Alex, and Soph on their bed. Half the sheet was on the ground, the other sheet was tangled up all around them, the way that they’re laying down looks incredibly uncomfortable and some of their makeup is smeared on the pillow. Dan smiles a little getting up and stretching.

“Let’s go get breakfast to bring back.” Dan says, walking over to their suitcases, Dan grabs Phil’s York hoodie and a pair of joggers and changes.

“Hoodie stealer.” Phil pouts, but his pout slowly turns into a pleased smile. Dan sits on the bed and puts his shoes on and waits for Phil to finish getting dressed. Dan decides to grab the blanket that fell and drape it over them again.

They walk out of the hotel as quietly as they can, Phil grabbing Dan’s hand as they make their way to the lift.  _This was easy as breathing_ , Dan thought, giving Phil’s hand a gentle squeeze.

When they make it out of the hotel Phil searches for one of their local bakeries and it’s thankfully not too far from the hotel. They cross the street and head straight.  

“How do you feel this morning?” Phil asks this very gently, he’s looking at Dan very carefully.

“I’m better.” Dan says truthfully, “I’m a lot better.”

Dan inhales quickly before talking again. “The things that I told you, it’s something that I haven’t told anyone, I mean other than the small conversations with my therapist... I know that I could talk to Hayley about it, because she’d get it like you get it, it’s just…” Dan looks down at a pavement, gathering his thoughts.

“I think I held on to it for so long because it was all I had, that’s what it felt like at least. It was like this small little contained fire that I thought I could manage, but fire is unpredictable, and slowly what was once a controlled fire turned into a wildfire.” Dan looks up at Phil, and he looks deep in thought.

“I think I get it.” Phil swings their hands, his thumb caressing his skin. “I had this resentment towards Theo and even towards Olivia—which sounds awful, I know. It was just like—where can I put this anger? I hated him for leaving me, I hated Olivia for being dead. I hated myself for caring so much about Theo. I hated myself for being angry at Olivia being dead. It was just a really toxic cycle. I got really drunk one night and sent a really long incoherent voicemail to Theo and I still regret that. Now that I’ve had time away from it, and that I’ve moved on from it, I’m forgiving myself for those feelings because it’s—it’s valid to feel those feelings.”

Dan squeezes his hand.

“I need to do the same.” Dan lets out sigh.

One day, he thinks, he’ll be able to forgive himself.

Phil leans in to kiss Dan’s cheek.

Dan looks away after for a moment, when he turns back Phil has a coy smile.

Dan rolls his eyes, reaching to poke his cheek.

“Come on, we’re close.” Phil looks down at his phone map, and they speed it up a bit, every so often stopping to look through a window at a particular shop that has caught their eye. It takes them much longer to get to the bakery despite it being close because they have no self control and immediately go into a shop that had a Pokemon poster on the window.

Dan used to collect cards and Phil was always juked out of the best cards because of his older brother Martyn. Dan gives him a devious smile knowing that he did that to his little brother too. They bicker about it. Dan grabs two packs of pokemon cards and puts it behind his back and makes Phil pick a side.

He gives him his deck of cards, promising he won’t open it until they get home. Dan even said he’s willing to trade.

They continue on their quest to the bakery, having already passed it a few times because of Phil’s lack of directional skills. Dan presses his head against Phil’s back when they make it into the bakery. He sighs dramatically and Phil reaches behind him to pinch what he can and it makes Dan jump.

“Ow.” Dan yelps, reaching to grab his fingers.

A woman comes from the back of the store and welcomes them with a smile.

“Hi.” Dan says with a smile, leaning down to look at the donuts and pastries that they had. It all looks good, and he can’t help but think of everything they had to do to make all of these and how early they got up to do it.

They got a box of donuts and ordered two coffees and head back to the hotel. They knocked on the door to let them know that they were coming in as a warning.

Dan smiled at the scene. Soph was laying on her side holding herself and looking miserable. Alex was laying on the wrong side of the bed starfished and the fan was on as high as it could go. Hayley was laying on Dan and Phil’s bed curled up on her side as well. They all groaned when they walked in the room.

“Hey.” Dan says with a chipper tone.

Hayley gives Dan the middle finger.

“Did you have fun last night?” Phil put the box of donuts down on the table and grabbed the water cups the hotel had and started to fill them with water. He grabbed some ibuprofen that he brought because of his headaches that he regularly got and handed them out to the girls who took them with a quiet thank you.

“Yeah, but is it worth the pain?” Soph said with a sigh.

“Try and eat something and see if it helps,” Dan had passed the donuts around and they took small bites.

“Where did you guys go last night?” Alex is reconstructing her donut.

Dan and Phil look at each other for a second.

“We didn’t go anywhere. Just came back here.”

Alex doesn’t question it further. After a couple of bites she lays the donut back on the napkin and lays back down on the bed.

“I need to sleep more.” Alex says into the pillow.

Hayley finishes her donut, still sitting in silence. She eventually gets up and moves Soph over so she can crawl into bed.

Dan gets the idea to set the couch up for Soph if she wants her own space. They take the cushions apart and Phil sets them to the side while they make the bed. Soph drags herself there and gets under the covers and closes her eyes so she can get some more sleep. Dan takes his shoes off and goes to their bed and grabs the remote and turns the volume on low.

“Let’s see if we can find our home improvement show,” Phil follows Dan’s lead, throwing his shoes in the corner and bouncing on the bed with him.

Phil has his arms open and Dan leans into him, flipping through the channels and feeling content. They could go exploring if they wanted, but this was also good.

 

*

 

They get home the next day, and Phil goes back to his house to get started on the stuff that he missed from their tiny little holiday. Dan would have stayed, but he needed his alone time. He needed to process the entire week and Phil knew that. He squeezed his hand when he left telling the girls that he had a good time. Dan’s thankful that they don’t ask him questions about what could have possibly happened given the fact that Dan and Phil were joined at the hip their last day in Southampton.

When Dan gets to his room he drops everything on the floor and takes his phone to plug it in and he lays on his bed staring up at his ceiling before he closes his eyes and lets himself have a couple of deep breaths.

Dan liked Phil.

Phil liked Dan.

He didn’t know why that was so hard for him to grasp. Dan thought that he was impossible to love because of how high his defenses were, he thought that by now Phil would have gotten tired of him and all of his emotions or lack of them—but Phil proved him wrong. Phil saw Dan, just as Dan saw Phil.

He bit down on his bottom lip remembering how it felt to be kissed and held by Phil and how warm he felt. It was like the ice had finally thawed around his heart and what bloomed was a Snowdrop, the first signs of spring, or rebirth and consolation. It had showed Dan that there were far better things to let grow instead of his sadness, grief and resentment.

His phone buzzed, lighting up his room. He reached over to read the text message.

 

_Awrf. Hi. Im bored._

 

Dan smiles.

 

_hi bored, i’m dan._

 

Dan forces himself to get up and get into pyjamas before crawling back under his bed.

His phone buzzes.

 

_Only im allowed to do those jokes DANIEL_

 

Dan shakes his head.

 

_why are u so loud for_

 

Dan had gotten up from his bed, unable to not talk about it anymore. He left his phone in his room and then went to Hayley’s door and knocked gently.

“Come in.”

He cracked the door, Hayley and Alex were laying in the dark on their phones and Dan took a deep breath.

“Hey, what’s up?” Hayley asked, moving up in her bed a little.

“I need to talk.”

He could hear movement in the bed and Alex had patted a spot for him to sit. He laughs a little, shaking his head, and climbs up on the bed that was too small for all three of them. Alex tugs him back and his head hits the pillow.

“This is not going to work,” Dan laughs, trying to get in a comfortable position.

“Let me just get as close to the edge as I can,” Hayley shuffles and he places his hands over his face shaking his head.

“What’s up? Do we need a light on for this?” Hayley is reaching towards the light.

“No, dark is fine.” Dan feels the little pit of anxiety in his stomach.

“Something happened, after we left you guys at the club.” Dan bites his bottom lip.

“... Something bad?” Alex quietly adds.

“No!” Dan is quick to reassure, shaking his head. He sighs again, staring at their ceiling which wasn’t much different from his.

He feels Hayley’s hand on his shoulder.

“No, nothing bad. I mean I kind of had a little breakdown but that was okay. I think I needed to—I—what I’m trying to say is, I told Phil I liked him. And he said he liked me back, and we kissed, and it was great but now I have this anxiety.”

It’s silent for a moment before Hayley kind of laughs. “I was wondering what happened because I could feel a shift.”

Alex is nudging him and kind of squealing. “It happened!”

Dan smiles, it’s hard to keep his composure.

“Why are you anxious though?” Hayley’s voice is back to being gentle and thoughtful. She turns to look at him more in the pale moonlight.

Dan thinks, trying to sort the messy thoughts and figure out how to articulate them.

“Because… I don’t know. I guess it’s because I always knew my time here had an expiration date. My mum is coming soon and we’re going to figure out where to go from here, and I told him I didn’t want to tell him before because I didn’t want to lead him on and then leave.”

“But you’re not leading him on, Dan.” Hayley says, “I mean, Phil has an expiration date here too. He came for almost the same reason that you did. He didn’t have anywhere to go because of the flat that he shared with Theo. He couldn’t be there anymore and he wanted to be with people who loved him without having to go back to his parents so he came here. I mean, I don’t know if I believe in fate but I think it’s… I think it’s pretty damn crazy that you were able to hit it off the way that you did.”

Dan thinks about that for a moment and he knows that if he wanted to change things within himself, he needed to be more open and vulnerable, it was just talking about all of it hurt—but it was supposed to.

“I’m scared of the future. I don’t know where I’ll be and I guess I just want Phil in it.”

Alex holds on to his arm and gives him a gentle squeeze.

“I think you know what you need to do.” Hayley pokes his arm gently, reaching to take his hand.

“Talk to Phil.” Dan says.

“Yeah, but it can wait until you tell us every single detail of the kiss.”

“Ugh,” Dan grabs a pillow and places it over his face to groan into. “You guys are the worst.” He says but its muffled.

They laugh, both pulling on his arms and tickling him until he relents.

“Fine. Fine! I’ll tell you, stop tickling me.” Dan snorts.

After an hour of Hayley and Alex interrogating him, and screaming about the situation he was in, they sent him off to bed but not without completely smothering him to death. When he got back in bed to answer Phil he was smiling and felt a lot better than he did.

 

 _sorry for the late message i was talking to hayley and alex  
_ _would you want to maybe meet up tomorrow? we could go for a walk in west bay :)_

 

Phil didn’t take long to reply.

 

 _Hahaa im surprised you weren’t talking for longer  
_ _Yeah we can go for a walk just let me know when youre coming :D_

 

Dan texts him goodnight with a smile on his face.

 

*

 

Dan works at the bakery the next morning and Phil is waiting for him outside after his shift with a bag full of stuff that he bought in town. Dan grabs Phil’s hand as they walk to Dan’s flat to drop Phil’s stuff off before heading down to West Bay. Dan was a little nervous, talking a lot, talking too fast, but Phil kept the pace with him, sometimes urging Dan to slow down a little but Dan didn’t know that word. It was hard for him to slow down once he kept going.

“Are you okay?” Phil asks gently, moving some of Dan’s fringe out of the way when it got in his eyes.

Dan just searches his face for answers that he’ll know soon. He nods.

“I’m okay.” He was okay—for the most part.

The walk to West Bay is quick, they’re walking through the sand to start the steep hike up. When they make it up top they’re out of breath and Dan gives himself a minute, they walk further down the cliff, farther away from the people. It always amazed Dan, being able to have the view that they have here.

Dan found a nice patch of grass for them to sit on while they stared out at the endless ocean. Dan was grabbing grass in full and trying to make one of those crowns that he used to make with friends at school when it was breaktime. He never made a full one and always wanted to.

Phil is talking about his day and what he did and Dan is listening as intently as he can, sometimes say something to make fun of Phil but in a fond way. Phil kicked his shoe jokingly. Dan rolled his eyes shaking his head, grabbing what was a tiny flower next to him. It was a dandelion but that was okay.

“What’s up?” Phil eventually asked.

Dan pursued his lips, looking down at his little creation before looking back up at Phil.

“I was talking to Hayley and Alex last night about how anxious I was feeling,” Dan lets go of what he’s started and he wipes his hands on his pants before pulling his knees up to his chin.

In the distance there were a few dark clouds, but the sun was still out, still shining through the clouds that surrounded it. It wasn’t supposed to rain today, the spell of constant rain that they’ve been having finally broke and he hoped that the rain would give them a few more minutes to talk.

“My mum is coming soon and we’re going to be talking about things we should have talked about before I left— _Ran_. Before I ran away. I owe that to her,” He bites down on his bottom lip, the little ball of anxiety is just slowly started to ping pong but isn’t in it’s full effect yet.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen. Remember that thing I said, I didn’t want to tell you that I liked you before I left. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know if I can stay here because I have a lot impending things hanging over me in Manchester. I know that I don’t want to go back home to Wokingham, but…”

Phil nods, reaching out to grab Dan’s hands. He scoots forward so that they can be closer to each other.

“But you don’t know,” Phil finishes.

Dan looks at him and Phil is smiling. It throws him off a little.

“Yeah.” Dan says with a sigh. “I guess what I’m trying to say is, I want to be with you. Like,  _with you_  with you, I just don’t know where _I’ll_ be.”

“That’s good enough for me.” Phil says with a shrug, reaching over to cup Dan’s face with his hands and leaning in to press a soft kiss against his lips.

Dan is dazed for a second before shaking his head. “Yeah? Even if I go back to Manchester?”

The question hangs in the air, and Phil still doesn’t look bothered.

“If it makes you feel better, I don’t know what I’m doing either. I’ve had some of the most fun I’ve ever had being here, but realistically I’d go back to Manchester too.”

Phil is still holding Dan’s face in his hands, and Dan closes his eyes for a second, feeling the wind swirl around them, making their little attempts at grass and flower crowns float away from them. Dan would say that’s poetic but it isn’t. The thought makes him smile a little, opening his eyes to see Phil giving him that look again.

“I love being here,” Dan’s heart feels heavy but light at the same time, it was a very complex mix of emotions that he didn’t know how to handle, “I just know that I can’t run away from Manchester forever.”

Dan places his hands on Phil’s arms. Phil caresses his cheeks with his thumbs.

“I know. Me too.”

They sit in the silence, filling the small void with soft touches and light kisses.

“So,” Dan reaches over to tug a strand of Phil’s hair before he cups _his_  face. “Would you want to be my boyfriend  _or whatever_?”

Phil breaks out into a smile.

“I’d love to be your boyfriend or whatever.” Phil pulls Dan by the collar of his shirt to kiss him.

Dan can’t help but smile into the kisses, Phil’s hand trails from his collar to his side, pulling him closer, he can feel his hand underneath his shirt and on his back. Despite how cold his hand felt, he was so warm.

“Now that I’m your boyfriend you kind of can’t get rid of me. Sorry.” Phil says after he pulls away, their foreheads are touching and Dan’s anxiety stops and it’s just quiet. “You don’t need to worry Dan. We’ll figure it out together.”

Dan nods, pecking his lips and then his cheek.

“I just don’t cope well with change,” Dan confesses with a small shrug.

“Me neither,” Phil says, “But sometimes change is good. You’ve changed since when you first got here, right?

He was right. When Dan first got here he was quiet and talked to nobody. He never wanted to do anything with Hayley and the group. He often got in fights with his mum over the phone and was so angry all the time and just spent time in his room staring at the blank walls hoping that it would tell him something but it never did. The people that he surrounded himself with here took their time with Dan, they gave him patience and slowly those walls that he built were coming down, brick by brick, and when it seemed impossible they found a different way to look at it, and he was so grateful for them.

“Thank you.” Dan says, his voice is quiet but he feels his throat tighten because of how emotional the weekend was and just how Phil made him feel like.

He let air into his lungs and took another deep breath.

It felt like he had been drowning for such a long time and only now allowed himself to come up to breathe, it was like he was seeing everything with a different set of eyes. Phil made everything better, and maybe that was because he liked him, but it was the truth. Phil was like coming up for fresh air.

“Hey,” Phil says, pulling him out of his trance, “Do you want to go back to your flat and just watch some home improvement show with some popcorn and drink all of Hayley’s peanut butter beer?” Phil suggests with a small smile.

Dan laughs, “God yes.”

“Okay,” Phil laughs with him, getting up and holding out his hand for Dan to take.

 

*

 

They watch their home improvement show eating out of the popcorn bucket that Phil had gotten Dan, feeling reminiscent about it, one of their first conversations was about popcorn, he found that incredibly fitting. When Dan has eaten all that his stomach can handle he gets in a comfortable position and Phil grabs the quilt and throws it over him. Phil’s head lays in Dan’s lap, while he runs his hands through his hair.

Dan spikes Phil’s hair to see what it would look like, and every so often he lean down to press a small kiss to his forehead which makes Phil look up at him. It makes everything inside of Dan melt when their eyes meet while Phil’s smile makes him feel like he can handle anything.

He thinks of how badly he wants to tell his friends back in Manchester, after numerous failed attempts of setting him up with someone he finally found a guy that was worth sticking around for. He often wonders what they would think of Phil—but he knows that it would be nothing but kind words. There were many nights when they’d be at one of their dorms lying on the ground with a bottle of wine in the middle of them when they’ve completely given up studying for the night that they’d go around and express what they wanted in a partner.

Dan never knew what to say to that, he just wanted someone to sit in silence with.

Hayley and Alex get home late, they wave before closing the door to their room.

Dan yawns, “Bed?”

Phil nods, he had been falling in and out of sleep the past hour now, and Dan let him, it was just nice to be able to coexist like this. He got what he wanted after all.

 

*

 

Dan wakes up early the next morning, Phil is still asleep. Dan stays put for a while trying to see if he can fall back asleep but it’s not happening. He smooths Phil’s hair out, smiling to himself. He grabs his phone off the charger and sees a message from his mum.

 

_Does the end of this week work for you? I’m looking at train tickets right now. I’d leave Friday morning and get there late afternoon and leave early Sunday morning._

 

Dan is quick to reply.

 

_that works mum x_

 

She buys the tickets and sends him the information of when to pick her up and where. He saves it on his phone and untangles himself from Phil to get up and make breakfast for them. Phil turns in his sleep grabbing the pillow and cuddling it.

Dan shakes his head a little and laughs, closing the door as quietly as he can.

He doesn’t make an extraordinary breakfast by any means. It’s eggs and toast with some jam on top with a cup of coffee, but he knows that Phil will appreciate it. He sets it down on their tiny table and goes back to his room to wake up Phil.

His attempt at waking him up is by completely pouncing on top of him and using Phil’s fringe to tickle him awake. Phil groans, trying to grab a pillow to hit Dan with.

“I’m up, I’m up.” He says, opening only one eye before reaching to pinch Dan who yelps in response and gets up, offering his hand for Phil to take.

“I made you breakfast.”

Phil’s face softens. “Thank you.”

“Hurry and eat it before it gets cold.” Dan pushes Phil towards the door and to the kitchen to the tiny little table.

“What are your plans for the day?” Phil asks when they sit down.

Dan starts eating his eggs first, grabbing pepper to put on them.

“I think I’m going to visit Donna and get a postcard and send it to my nana. My mum is coming at the end of the week.”

Phil nods, he locks Dan’s feet with his own underneath the table and Dan shakes his head.

“That reminds me that I need to call my mum or Skype her. I haven’t had the chance to sit down and actually talk to her.” Phil grabs his phone and sends her a text asking if later today was good time to talk.

“Sorry.” Dan apologises, “For taking all your time.”

Phil looks at him and rolls his eyes. “Shut up, Dan.” His voice is so fond, he reaches over to grab Dan’s hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

“You need to regroup yourself, yeah?” Phil says, understanding Dan’s needs to be alone, it makes him ache knowing that there was someone who got it.

Dan nods. “Yeah.”

“After breakfast I’ll take off. I have a couple of errands I need to run. I ran out of toilet paper yesterday and I need to buy groceries.”

Dan is still holding his hand across the table and it’s disgustingly sweet but he loves it.

“How are your plants doing?” Dan asks with a small smirk.

Phil stops eating, moving around imaginary food with his fork because he finished.

“They’re cripsy…” He whispers.

“What’s that?” Dan says a little louder, he gets closer to Phil now.

“They’re crispy! I’m not a good plant dad, okay?” Phil looks ashamed and Dan mocks a frown at him before reaching out to cup his chin and place a kiss at the corner of his mouth.

“That’s okay. Tomorrow we can see what we can do about your plants. I’m sure your kitchen is a mess so we can clean that up and meal prep for the week if you want.” Dan suggests, grabbing the crust that Phil didn’t eat off his plate.

Phil nods, “I would like that.”

Dan gets up and grabs their plates and begins to wash them, he drinks the last bit of coffee in his mug. Phil comes up from behind him and lays his chin on Dan’s shoulder. It would take time to get used to this, being able to do _this_ , but it also felt like they had been like this for a very long time.

Phil leave not too long after leaving Dan with his thoughts. He grabs his coat from his room and then heads out.

 

*

 

It doesn’t take long for him to get to the church. He passes by the tombstones, almost saying a quiet hello to them because it’s been a while since he’s been up here. The flowers that Donna planted a while ago are coming along nicely, they’re not quite there yet but they’re getting there. He walks over to the bench that overlooks West Bay and sits down on it for a while to give himself a moment to think about what he wants to say.

It doesn’t take long for Donna to find him. She always does. He smiles to himself thinking that maybe she senses that he’s here, he seems to bring the clouds with him wherever he goes, this time, the sun is still shining.

“Hi.” Donna sits down next to him, she’s got her hands in her gloves, he sees new dirt on them and she takes them off and shakes them out before setting them down next to her. “Did you have a fun trip?”

Dan nods, pulling his feet up and looking at her with a small smile. He felt a little bashful and he didn’t know why. He had so many things he wanted to tell her, so many things that he needed to catch her up on, but he knew that he just needed to thank her.

“I did have a good time. I think we all needed to get out of here for a while.” Dan says with a shrug.

“I think so too. I think it helps put things into perspective sometimes. I come here when I need to do that.”

“You’re here a lot.” Dan says with a smile, his fingers tap against the bench.

“There’s always weeds that need to be picked.” Donna shrugs.

Dan nods. “Some of the weeds in your head, too, yeah?”

“You got it.” Donna kind of chuckles, she looks out now at the sea.

“I just wanted to say thank you—for everything. I mean, without you I probably wouldn’t have stayed this long because I would have run out of money. I wouldn’t have met some of my best friends. I know that you took a chance on me because of my nana, but it means a lot to me—” Dan stops, giving himself a second.

“I’m… not great at being vulnerable,” He laughs, shaking his head, “It’s just something I need to work on, but I owe a lot to you. I’m sorry for all the times I brushed you off when you were just trying to help. I thought that maybe if I held it all in then it would just stop affecting me like it did. I didn’t want to drown other people with me.”

Dan looks at her now, his heart beating a little fast at it’s honesty.

“One of my first thoughts was, if you’re going to runaway, run in the arms of people who will care for you,” Donna smiles at him like she knows a secret, “It just so happens that you ran to the one place who have  _many_  people who can somehow relate to you—maybe not in every way, but we all understand how it feels to go through a difficult loss.”

“I tried really hard to deny mine.” Dan shakes his head, looking down at the grass. “ _I got tired of carrying it_.”

Donna smiles out into the distance. “It took me a long time to understand that it’s okay if other people help carry the weight, too. I think when it comes to people like you and me we just don’t want to bother people with our baggage, even when the people who want to help don’t mind— _we_  mind. Maybe we’re stubborn but our hearts are in the right place.”

Dan pushed so many people away, and he didn’t even give his mum a chance to try and understand, he had already closed the door and threw the key away so no one could go near it. It wasn’t healthy in the slightest, and he feels bad knowing that so many of his problems could have been solved had he just let someone in, but he didn’t know how to, the pain just hurt too much to even bother with it. It was like he had broken fracture, and he had to re-break it so it could heal properly this time.

“Sometimes I think of the fact that he died alone. It’s just small things like that I always think about. I just want to stop thinking about it, but at the same time it’s like I want to still remember him.”

Donna places a hand on his shoulder.

“He didn’t die alone Dan. He had you.”

Dan feels a tear run down his cheek and he shakes his head and laughs. “I’ve cried so much the past couple of days.”

“That’s a good thing, Dan.” Donna squeezes his shoulder. “You can still move on remember him. I didn’t know much about the guy that died but I remember what his wife wrote about him and I know that he was loved by many people, and I think that’s okay.”

Dan clenched his jaw, fingers digging into his palm before he stopped himself and released.

“You’re allowed to move on and be happy. I think he would have wanted that.”

Dan’s smile is sad, but he knows that she’s right. “I think he would have too.”

“Want to help me pull some weeds and we can catch up on other things I missed?” Donna raises an eyebrow grabbing an extra pair of gloves from her bucket.

Dan laughs, “Not a fan of pulling weeds but I’ll do it for you.” He reaches out to grab the gloves and puts them on.

“Good, because I have many questions about Phil.”

“Oh my god, Donna, not you too!”

 

*

 

He spends a couple of hours with Donna, picking weeds and planting new things, she always seemed to have new things that needed to be planted and more things that needed to be watered. She talks about her plans on possibly expanding her little bakery elsewhere but she doesn’t have all the logistics yet. They talk a lot about Phil, and how Donna met her husband—they kept bumping into each other at community events. Donna believed it was fate, and who was Dan to tell her it wasn’t?

When the first drop of rain comes they pack everything up in the toolshed and head back into the church to get some water. Donna hugs him one last time before he leaves and says that she’s proud of him and to call his nana. He will this time.

He runs into town, thankful for the jacket that he wore predicting that the rain would eventually come. There were so many shops where he could buy a postcard from, but goes to the one near the bakery thinking that he’d be there tomorrow. He sees Lauren and Hayley cleaning up and serving some of the last customers before closing. He waves to them and quickly pops into a touristy shop and buys a postcard, he gets some stamps, too.

He buys a couple of things at the Waitrose near the house to get for dinner and then heads back to the flat. It’s quiet, he knows that Alex is at work and Hayley is almost done but he appreciates it for now. It was nice to be able to gather his thoughts while he started to make dinner.

By the time Hayley and Alex showed up dinner was done and waiting on plates for them to heat up. He said goodnight and hope they had a good day before heading back to his room. He grabbed the postcard and started to write down what he was up to and that he loved her. He would call her soon, but his mum deserved to hear from him first, but he thinks that she might like a postcard, to remind her of all of their trips here and think back fondly on them as he did.

He grabs the moleskin journal that’s been sitting there waiting for Dan to come back to it. He flips through the pages now until he finds an empty page for him to start something that he’s been meaning to for a while now.

He grabs a pen and begins to write until his fingers hurt, and then he texts his therapist asking when she can see him. He had a lot to catch her up on, this time he didn’t dread it.

 

*

  


He rolls into work the next morning ready to start the donut process. He grabs his speakers out of his backpack and sets up camp. Soph comes in not too long after he arrives and they get to work together. Soph catches him up on what he missed since their scheduled changed. Dan realises that he didn’t tell her that they him and Phil were dating now.

When she hears she throws a little bit of flour on him and he does it back. He shakes his head at her but tells her of his tiny breakdown before he finally confessed his feelings. She was happy for them—everyone was and it made him feel warm. It was just a nice feeling knowing that people wanted the best for you and had your back.

“My mum and I are still fighting but I think I’m beginning to understand her more.” They’re working on the icing now, already falling into their usual pattern.

“It’s not fun when you’re both going through it. I ignored my mum for a long time, but now she’s coming. I think we might have needed the distance, maybe not so much the silence, but I think the distance was good for us.” He shrugs, patting her with his floury hand because he knows that she’d get annoyed by it.

“Arse.” She says, flicking him with her equally floury fingers.

Dan smiles, bumping his shoulder with hers. They have their trays of icing ready and when the donuts are done in the fry they move them and start dipping the donuts and placing them on the rack to dry.

They set up the front, putting chairs down and turning lights on. When everything is finished and the open sign is lit up they high five each other. Donna comes in half of their shift and it makes everything better because all the customers just love her, and he understands the feeling.

Dan gets off work and grabs his stuff from the back and heads to Phil’s.

 

*

  


Phil opens the door looking flustered and very cute. Dan smiles kicking his shoes off to the side and he’s about bring Phil in for a kiss when he smells something strong.

“Are you cooking without me?” Dan asks, pushing past him now and looking at the chaos that was his kitchen.

“I might be.” Phil is on his heels, tugging on the back of Dan’s shirt. “Hi.” Phil presses his lips against Dan’s, but Dan is too pressed to kiss him back which causes a little  _hmph_  for Phil and a smile.

“How dare you cook without me.” Dan jokes, leaning in to give him a proper kiss.

“I’m trying to be romantic and also not burn the food so hold on a second,” Phil pushes past him and grabs the wooden spoon and stirs what smells like curry.

“Oh my god.” Dan says excited now at the prospect of eating Indian food tonight. He dips a finger in and Phil loses it, grabbing his hand out of the pot but it’s not match for Dan and his quick fingers. He sticks it in his mouth.

“Rude.” Phil sticks his tongue out.

Dan does it back.

“It tastes good so far.” Dan smiles, leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek.

Dan looks at at the canned coconut milk and he starts to clean up Phil’s mess.

“I’m glad, it’s been simmering for twenty minutes now.” Phil looks a little nervous.

Dan walks over to him and pushes him back against the counter.

“I had a really exhausting couple of hours and this is really nice of you.” Dan’s voice is quiet, only loud enough for Phil to hear.

Phil gives him that smile and wraps his arms around him. Dan gets comfortable in the crook of his neck, he presses his lips there and Phil makes a noise and he giggles.

“Tickles.” Phil says and Dan pulls back.

“I also have a weird neck thing.” Dan presses a small kiss to Phil’s neck and then hops on the counter.

“Do you?” Phil sounds like he’s challenging him and Dan holds his foot out.

“You better not Phil. It’s your pretty face.” He warns him but Phil is getting close, placing a hand on his leg trying to push it down.

“Yeah, but you like this pretty face.” Phil’s smirk makes Dan gulp.

“I like my neck untouched more.” Dan shrugs.

Phil raises an eyebrow, and he’s so close to Dan now. Phil places a hand on the side of Dan’s neck, his thumb caressing the side of it before letting him go. Dan tugs him closer, grabbing a full of his shirt. He smiles, staring at his lips before finally kissing them.

Kissing Phil was like tiny little fireworks going off in his body, it made his heart flutter and flip over in ways that he’s never felt before. He knows that it’s cheesy, but he thinks that it’s okay to be, especially when your boyfriend looks as cute and cuddly as Phil does right now.  _Boyfriend_ , a word that he’d never thought he’d have in relation to himself. Phil slips his tongue into Dan’s mouth and it catches him off guard for only a second, Dan swirls his tongue around his before they both hear a pop from the saucepan. Phil looks at him with wide eyes before dropping his hands and running over to it.

Dan laughs so hard, hopping off the counter to walk over and help him.

The curry is bubbling, Phil lowers the heat more and stirs it. He takes the spoon that he was using to taste it, blowing it before tasting it again.

“Almost there,” He says excitedly.

“I cheated and bought naan bread, I didn’t want to even attempt to try and make that,” He opens the oven and uses his mitts to take them out and place them to the side to cool.

“Proud of you.” Dan places a hand on his shoulder, he reaches up to grab bowls.

Phil looks over at the rice that’s already finished, taking the lid off and using one of the big spoons to take rice out to put into their bowls. They move around each other, Dan opening a bottle of wine to pour into two glasses.

Phil has finished up plating everything and they take their food and wine to Phil’s couch where he invested in tv trays, it makes Dan laugh a little but it’s very accurate to who he is and how they are. Phil puts on Buffy right where they left off.

Dan blows on the curry and takes his first spoonful and then uses the naan. He closes his eyes because it tastes so good and is far better than anything that they’ve made thus far, Dan may be biased because he made it to be romantic but it was good.

They’re quiet for a long time, eating their food. Every so often Dan will look over at Phil who’s immersed in his show and he’ll think of how much he likes him and how lucky he is that they found each other when they did.

“I like you so much,” Dan says when they finish, they’re doing the dishes now.

Phil looks up at him with a soft and almost bashful smile.

“I like you so much, too.” Phil presses a kiss against Dan’s cheek and then ends it with a poke.

Dan tugs on a strand of his hair and they get back to finishing; Dan washes while Phil dries, Dan also has to close every single cabinet door that Phil leaves open. Somehow that’s very fitting for their lives.

Phil grabs the bottle of wine and takes it with them to the couch. Phil gets comfortable and Dan relaxes into his side, his wine in his hand. He takes gracious sips while they watch the rest of the Buffy episode. Dan honestly doesn’t really know what’s going on, he can’t keep up, but it’s just nice to sit here after the last couple of days.

He thinks of what Donna said about him being happy.  _He’s allowed to be happy_. He looks up at Phil who’s smiling at the screen. He’s so oblivious to Dan’s stare, it makes it better somehow. Dan could sit here for hours and feel content. He thinks that maybe that’s what love is. It almost startles him knowing that he could love him like that. In a way he knows that he does, but what they had right now—it was good, it was gentle, it was kind. Life hadn’t been too kind to either of them and yet they made something out of their own loss and grief and helped each other, and it’s one of the deepest bonds that you could find in a person.

Dan finishes the last of his wine and pours just a little bit more, getting back to his comfortable position with Phil again.

“Oh,” Phil says, “My mum wants to see you.”

“What?” Dan says confused.

Phil smiles, reiterating, “My mum wants to Skype with you.”

“Oh.” Dan says, thinking for a second, “Why?”

Phil rolls his eyes squeezing him. “Because I talk about you a lot and she would like to see the face of the guy I’m dating.”

Dan nods. “Okay. I’m down to do that. You’ll be meeting my mom very soon. She’s a force to be reckoned with.”

“I can imagine if she raised you.” Phil runs his hands through Dan’s hair.

Dan leans into it, like a cat almost, he snorts at the thought. Phil keeps doing it because he keeps getting a reaction out of Dan because of it. Dan finishes his glass of wine and then turns to Phil. He smiles at him, reaching out to touch his hair now, carding his fingers through it,  _because he can._ Phil looks at him and he grabs Dan’s hand it brings it up to his lips.

They have a moment of just staring at each other while the episode plays in the background and Dan bridges the gap, pushing Phil back against the couch and he hovers over him, his hands on his side and underneath his shirt. His skin was so warm against Dan’s palm. They kiss, and kiss, and Dan feels Phil’s tongue swirling against his and it makes him feel dizzy and ignited.

“Do you want to do this on a bed that’s more comfortable than your tiny couch?” Dan whispers against his lips.

“Most definitely,” Phil chuckles, kissing him one more time.

“Good, because I  _really_  want to take this somewhere.” Dan says, practically picking Phil up off the couch which causes them both to lose it at how desperate they are, but Dan doesn’t care, they’re allowed to be happy, after all.

 

*

  


The day that Dan’s mum comes it’s the sunniest it’s ever been. He’s waiting for her inside the train station, rocking on his heels. He’s nervous, texting Phil how nervous he is and not understanding why because she was his mum. It’s just been so long since he’s seen her. He’s chewing on his nails, pacing back and forth in this tiny little area near the exit. Hayley was waiting in the carpark for them so she could take them back to the flat.

Dan’s phone buzzes, it’s a message from his mum saying that she was making her way towards the exit and sorry that there was a delay.  _There was always a delay_ , he messaged back.

He sees her first before she sees him. Sometimes it felt like he was looking in a mirror, other times it felt like he was looking at a stranger. Somehow this was a mixture of both, so familiar and yet not. He waves towards her and she smiles, waving back and trying to get to him quicker, mumbling apologises to the people around her.

“Daniel.” She says, the first thing she does is brush the hair out of his eyes.

He leans in to hug her. She’s shocked by the action, not hugging him back immediately, she lets go of her suitcase and then eventually wraps her arms around Dan.

He almost cries. He really did miss his mum. He feels like how he felt the first month that he was at university, he never wanted to tell her that he was homesick, but he was. It felt like the world was ending when he burnt his pasta, it felt like he couldn’t do anything right when he got his first bad grade, but his mother, despite their lack of communication always told him to keep his chin up, that he was capable of anything that he put his mind to. It was the closest thing that he got to a hug over the phone. Now he has the real thing right in front of him. He could spill his heart out here but he won’t.

“My friend is waiting in the car.” Dan says, pulling away and grabbing her luggage.

“This is Hayley, correct?” She follows in tow with him towards the carpark.

“Yeah. My flatmate.” He gives her a brief smile, not quite sure on what to say.

“I’m excited to meet her.” She responds back with more enthusiasm than he would have thought but it makes him feel less nervous.

He has so many things he wants to ask her, but now is not the time.

He opens the door for her and puts the suitcase in the truck and sitting in the back.

“Hello, you must be Karen.” Hayley reaches over the seat to give his mum a hug and Karen looks to Dan and he shrugs with a smile.

“Oh, yeah, I’m a hugger.” Hayley laughs, starting the car.

“Hi, you must be Hayley.”

“And I’m Dan,” he says, trying to be cheeky.

Hayley snorts and rolls her eyes at him.

“You’re annoying.” She says back and it makes his mum laugh.

Alex was at home cooking everyone a meal, his mum was taking Dan’s room and he was going to sleep on the couch. He thought about going over to Phil’s but he had yet to explain that part to his mum that he was dating someone. Phil kept texting him updates about his day knowing that it would help Dan just to hear about it even if he couldn’t respond immediately.

Dan grabs the luggage from the car and they climb up the stairs. The flat smells like cheesy goodness.

“Hello mother of Daniel Howell! It’s an honour to meet you!” Alex yells from kitchen waving a hello.

“Mum, that’s Alex, Hayley’s girlfriend.” Dan shakes his head at her, she’s got her hair up in a high bun and her Queen of the Kitchen apron.

Karen walks over to Alex to properly introduce herself and Hayley is talking about how tiny their flat is. Dan wheels her luggage into his room. He was so grateful that they cleaned his room not too long ago, he just had to do a little tidying this morning for her arrival but everything was pretty pristine now.

He walks back out with them grabbing wine glasses from their cupboard. His mum sits at their tiny table conversing about the train ride. Hayley and Alex had a way with people that made it seem like they’ve been friends for a long time and it was nice for Dan to see that his mum very clearly liked his friends and having only talked with them for a few minutes.

Dan set the glass of wine down next to his mum and she took it with a small smile, swirling it around. He never understood why she always did that, but it was nice to see that she hadn’t changed much.

“What are your plans being here?” Hayley takes a sip of her wine leaning against the fridge.

Karen looks at Dan and she shrugs, “I don’t know, I believe Dan has a couple of things planned.”

He shakes his head back and forth, “Sort of. I’m mostly winging it.” He admits.

“I would expect nothing less.” Her voice is kind, but Dan feels a little pull of guilt.

Most of his life was not having plans and winging it. That was why she was here because of him winging it. He looks down at his wine, tapping his fingers against the stem.

“Well, some of the best plans are unplanned.” Alex says with a cheerful smile, she grabs the bowls from the cupboard.

Their dinner was a cheese, mushroom, and spinach penne dish. Dan and Karen sat at their small table while Hayley and Alex took to the living room.

“I’m trying to cut dairy from my diet but it’s so hard because I love cheese,” his mum takes a bite and closes her eyes with a satisfied nod. “This is very good, Alex.” She calls to her and he can hear Alex squeal a little.

“That is the biggest compliment, thank you!”

Dan had to laugh.

“Tomorrow I thought about taking you to my work and then we can go for a walk at one of my favourite places.” Dan is moving his fork around the pasta, he takes a quick look at his mum who seems to be just observing everything in the tiny little kitchen. He couldn’t blame her, everything had character. There were numerous of magnets on their fridge from places that they visited. There was a new group photo of the five of them in Southampton with a magnet from one of the tourist shops.

Hayley had some of her artwork from group therapy hanging up that no one really understood but that’s what made it so great.

“That sounds nice.” She says, but clearly distracted by the little doilies and other odd antiques that Hayley found at stores and flea markets.

“Where are you in here?” She asks, clearly pointing to everything in the room.

He shrugs. “Nowhere. I mean, nowhere obvious. I organised our DVD collection, I built one of the shelves, I put the spices in alphabetical order. I’m here in small ways, I guess.”

She nods, thinking that over and finishing her food.

“Oh, I’ll take that mum.” He grabs her bowl and places it in the kitchen sink. He’ll do the dishes in the second.

“Let me show you my room.” He nods towards his door and it’s only a couple of steps to get there. He turns the light on and she steps in sitting down on the edge of his bed.

“It’s very—”

“Clean?” Dan interrupts.

“I was going to say empty, but yes, it’s very clean. I’m a little shocked.” She teases.

Dan rubs the back of his neck letting out a small breath.

“Well, we can talk about it tomorrow. I’ll let you get settled.”

Dan is about to leave before she reaches for his hand. She stands up and hugs him properly with no audience. Now he’s the one that’s stood shocked. He closes his eyes and leans into it.

 

*

 

Dan wakes up early enough to start the coffee maker, he heard Hayley leave early this morning to head to the bakery. She left a note telling Dan good luck today and that she hoped he had a good day with his mum.

He sat down at their table, opening up the window to let some of the ocean breeze in. The sun was up but it still felt like early morning. He hears shuffling in his room and his mum comes out already dressed for the day. He smiles up at her.

“Coffee is almost done.”

She sits down across from him reaching over to sort his hair out. He backs away from her hand like he used to when she was little. She smiles, pinching his cheek and pulling her hand back.

“Did you sleep well?” He gets up from his chair and grabs mugs, then he grabs the milk from the fridge and places it on the table.

“I did, thank you.”

It seems as though they were dancing around each other, waiting for the other to make the first move, to break the ice that surrounded them. He turns his back to her, pouring their coffee into the mug, he places it next to her and he fills his cup all the way up with the milk and he stirs.

“I’m going to get ready.” Dan takes his mug to his room and closes the door behind him. He lets himself take a small breather before he gets ready for the day.

He takes his time changing, turning his straightener on and sitting down on the ground with the small little mirror that he had. He can hear his mum through the wall talking to someone on the phone, he suspects it’s one of her clients because she mentions how she’s visiting her son,  _no not that one, the other one._ Dan doesn’t know whether to be hurt by that or not but he lets it go. He’s blocked her out of his life for too long now, he shouldn’t be hurt by things like that.

When he’s finished with his hair he grabs Phil’s jackets and puts his shoes on and walks back out with his half finished coffee. She’s already done by the looks of it. She’s typing away at something on her phone and she looks up at him with a smile.

“Ready? I’m eager to see this bakery that you’ve been working at.”

Dan is surprised by that. “Really?”

“Of course.”

He carries that with them as he locks up the flat and they walk down the stairs. He texts Phil a quick good morning and that they’re probably stopping by later to walk the path near his house.

“I forget how charming Bridport is.” His mum looks at all the little shops that they pass.

“The greatest thing about living in these flats is that there’s a Domino's literally behind us.” Dan says with a grin.

Karen rolls her eyes, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“You are so consistent.” She tells him, but he sees a hint of a smile.

The walk takes longer than it normally would but Dan doesn’t mind it. They pass by a couple of their customers and Dan finally knows them by name, they wish him a happy day. His mum asks about how hard it was to learn how to work in a bakery, it was clearly different than studying Law, but she skirted around that.

Dan opens the door to the bakery and Hayley and Soph greet them. Dan introduces his mum to Soph who smiles brightly at her, they all seemed amazed that this was the woman that birthed him. He doesn’t know whether to laugh at that or not.

Dan gets a chocolate bar and his mum opts for a bearclaw. Dan also buys a sprinkled donut for Phil to keep in his backpack to give him later.

They head down to West Bay, there’s benches by the harbour that they sat at, admiring the view ahead of them. Dan takes his time eating his donut, his mother nods approving of how good it tastes with a thumbs up when she finishes.

“How early do you go in?”

“About two a.m. there’s a lot of prep that goes into making donuts, a lot more than I thought. I really enjoy it.” He takes the last few bites letting out a small breath.

“That’s amazing.” She sits back in the bench, there’s a family out on the beach right now taking advantage of this beautiful day.

“I used to come here as a little girl. It hasn’t changed that much.” She muses.

“Yeah? Is that a good thing or bad thing?”

“I don’t know—jury is still out.”

He kind of laughs at the joke, shaking his head.

“Where’s this path that you wanted to show me?”

“Oh,” he gets his phone out texting Phil that they’re coming a lot earlier than he planned. “Let’s go.”

They start walking and Phil texts him back that his house is clean and that he’ll have the kettle ready for them.

 

_none of your instant coffee._

 

He smiles at his text.

 

_I just rolled my eyes. Obviously not. Im making tea. :P_

 

Dan snorts. His mum looks at him with a raised eyebrow.

“You’ll see soon.”

 

*

 

The walk is quiet to Phil’s, but it gives Dan time to formulate his thoughts. He felt like he was just going to bubble over. He’s biting his nails the entire way there. They pass by Phil’s little house and start to walk up the steep hill. It’s been a while since he’s been up here but it’s just as pretty during the daytime as it is at night. There were several beautiful vantage points of the Jurassic Coast, and this was one of them.

“Isn’t this private property?” She asks, both of them are catching their breath.

“Yeah,” Dan nods, walking closer towards the edge. “But….”

He bites his bottom lip now, looking back at his mum who’s walking towards him.

“But?”

He looks to the house that belongs to Phil and he can see that his windows are open. He smiles briefly before turning back to his mum.

“I have a boyfriend. He lives at that house on the corner.” He nods towards it.

It takes her a second to connect the dots, but she nods silently, looking briefly at the house and then back at the ocean. He wants to give her time before he dives into everything, but it seems like she wants to say something, she just might not know how. Maybe they were more alike than he thought.

He grabs a rock from the ground, smoothing his thumb over it before he threw it.

“Did you know Adrian and I used to throw these and always tried to listen for a plop? We never heard it hit the water no matter how many we threw but we tried anyways.”

“I didn’t,” her voice is quiet, she closes her mouth again before pursuing her lips and then she nods to herself, like she’s maybe giving herself the go ahead to ask the questions she’s probably been dying to ask. “How long have you had a boyfriend?” Her voice is gentle and he can see even a hint of a smile, but he’s unsure.

“It’s new, but we’ve—we’ve been friends for a while.”

She takes that little bit of information, and picks up a rock herself but she doesn’t throw it. Maybe she liked to hold on to something too when it came to conversations that were difficult.

“His name is Phil. He’s also from Manchester.” Dan decides to just bite the bullet and start talking. “He also lost someone…. Like I did.”

She rolls the rock in between her fingers, they start walking further away from the house, in the distance you can see a little herd of cows, they’re divided by a fence- he’s never noticed that before.

“Like you did?” She prompts.

Dan feels that flash of anger, the anger that had been boiling in him for a while. He had to close his eyes and give himself a moment to remember that his mother didn’t know any of this because he didn’t tell her how deep it was. He bites the inside of his cheek, trying to recall everything that he planned on telling her, it was so articulate in his head and now that they were standing here it was like he went blank.

“You know the guy that died from my school? His name was Jacob. He was my friend.”

She looks at him again like she’s seeing a completely different person, he sees her reaching out for him but something stops her. So he keeps going.

“I told you that he was my classmate, but he was more than that. We had all the same classes, we hung out, we had potlucks, we saw movies, we went to clubs, we got coffee, we… we were friends. He wasn’t just my classmate—he was more than that—and I spent so many months denying it.”

She reaches out to grab him by the shoulder and he’s forced to look at her.

“I didn’t know.” She says, “I’m sorry.”

He places a hand on top of hers. “It’s not your fault. I didn’t tell you.”

“Why?”

He looks away from her now, staring out at the ocean, he takes a deep breath, and then another.

“I don’t know. I just felt like you wouldn’t understand, I felt like I had to keep it a secret and bury it, I didn’t want anyone to understand how it felt because I didn’t want to let anyone in on my pain. It was easier that way—until it wasn’t. Turns out when you runaway from your problems they have a way of catching up to you and biting you in the arse.

It was so bad, mum. It was horrible. He always sat next to me, we had a test that day and he finished before all of us. I was the last person from our group to see him leave. I can’t even remember what his last words were. All I can remember is how it felt holding his hand. It was so cold.”

She approaches Dan gently, grabbing his hands first which were in tight fists, and then she tugs him towards her, wrapping her arms around him completely. She doesn’t say anything and neither does Dan. Sometimes there are no words that can be said, it was only something that could be felt. His mother always reminded him of steel—something that was hard and couldn’t be easily taken down no matter how hard you tried to knock it over, but right now it felt like her walls were tumbling down with his own and they were left with only each other and these broken pieces that were still able to be salvaged and made for good use with enough patients and enough love.

He thinks of how many months he spent thinking about Jacob, trying so hard to push someone who didn’t exist anymore away when all he needed to do was accept the fact that it was okay to mourn over them. He spent so much of his time feeling guilty for feeling his own emotions that it just tore him apart. He lashed out at his family with the silent treatment, making sure that they were further than arms length because he didn’t want them to see him, not like this. He didn’t know how he did it for so long, it was exhausting.

“I’m sorry that you lost your friend, Dan. I’m sorry that I didn’t do more and that I brushed you off when you called. I didn’t know—but that doesn’t make it right. I know that there must be a lot of other things going on that are overwhelming you and we don’t have to talk about it right now if you don’t want to.”

Dan feels a tear run down his cheek and onto her shoulder.

“I told Donna this but I cried so much the past couple of days.” He says with a small laugh.

She rubs his back like the way she did when he was young and scared of things that he didn’t understand yet.

“That’s okay.” She squeezes him a little bit tighter. “You’ve gone through a lot. If it makes you feel better I cry all the time too.”

“Yeah?”

He can feel her nod. “Yeah. It’s just part of being an adult. Shit is hard and it’s lonely sometimes, but you learn from it.”

When he pulls away, she reaches out to wipe his face and that makes him want to cry more but he takes a deep breath instead.

“I don’t want to be a lawyer, mum.”

“I know.”

“Are you disappointed?” He’s searching for any indication that she might be in her face, but she just shakes her head with a small smile.

“I’m not disappointed. I’m sad that you felt like you couldn’t tell me—but I’m not disappointed.”

“I just felt like I needed to mold myself into what I thought you wanted me to be. I didn’t want to let you or anyone down but it was hard. There were days when I just couldn’t be bothered to do anything. It was scary sometimes, the dark place that I went to, but I always picked myself back up because I didn’t want to be a failure and then when the incident happened something just kind of snapped.”

She reaches out to cup his cheek, he used to hate it when she made him look at her like this, it was like he just never wanted to be seen by anyone, but this was different. There was nothing but warmth and empathy.

“I just want you to be whatever you want to be. You don’t have to be a lawyer if you don’t want to be. What  _do_  you want to be?”

Dan laughs, “I don’t know. That’s the problem.”

She links their arms together and they start walking. “Let’s walk towards those cows and figure it out together.”

Their conversation feels like it lasts hours of Dan pouring his heart out about everything that had kept him up at night. He tells her of all of his therapy appointments and how he was pretty great at pushing even the professionals away. She doesn’t ask a lot of questions, she just lets Dan talk and that’s honestly all he needed was to be able to pour his heart out to his mum and for her to just listen and be there.

Dan doesn’t know what he wants to do, but he has a couple of ideas, he’s just too afraid that they’re too far fetched and way too out there for him to reach. His mother was ever the optimist, telling him that he could do anything if he put his mind to it.  _You have to tell me that you’re my mum._ She pushes his arm, saying  _of course but it’s true._

When they start talking about Dan’s friends that he made here it’s sombering, they all had gone through something but yet connected in a way that he hadn’t felt before with anyone. He didn’t want to leave them but he knew that he had a lot of things to do back at Manchester that he left unresolved. They don’t have a full plan, they don’t have to have one just yet, but they were working towards something now together and Dan didn’t feel so alone and isolated anymore towards his mum.

They’re walking back to Phil’s in a comfortable silence, reflecting and every once in a while stopping to get a look at a view, it’s not like it’s going anywhere, but Dan wanted to savour it anyway.

“Do you love him?” She asks, and Dan stops in his tracks. They’re standing close to where Dan and Phil were when they yelled out into the night. It seems like so long ago.

“Yes. He’s my best friend.”

She reaches out to squeeze his arm and takes his answer.

“And he feels the same for you?”

Dan looks to the house now, Phil is standing outside on his tiny little porch waving at them.

“I think so.” Dan waves back.

“Then that’s good enough for me.”

 

*

 

It turns out that Phil and Karen get along splendidly. Dan has never felt more attacked and loved than he did in the middle of Phil’s living room over tea and biscuits that Phil had panicked bought earlier that morning. Phil has his arms wrapped around Dan and they’re talking about some embarrassing story of Dan when he was a kid.

“You were such a cute baby,” His mum says, reaching over to pinch his cheek.

Phil is absolutely tickled by that and does the same. Dan grabs his finger and holds it in a death grip.

“This is the worst.” He groans, shaking his head at both of them.

His mum asks a lot of questions about Phil and his life in Manchester (Rawtenstall, but like  _Rottenstall_ , because there’s nothing to do), and about his degrees. Dan felt so proud sitting next to Phil while he got animated talking about film and all the kind of videos that he edited. Dan intertwines their fingers in the middle of his spiel and he smiles at his mum and gives her a knowing nod.

She just smiles, her eyes flickering back between the two.

“How long are you staying for?” Phil asks when they’re getting up to leave.

“I leave tomorrow unfortunately.” She takes her coat from the hanger and opens her arms to give Phil a hug.

“You’re absolutely wonderful, don’t let Dan bully you.” She jokes looking at Dan with kind but mischievous eyes.

“You’ve let Phil fool you. It’s the other way around mum.” Dan gasps, shaking his head.

“I hope to see you soon.” Karen holds both of Phil’s hands and pats his cheek.

“I’ll meet you out there, yeah?” She pats Dan’s shoulder her shoes already on and walking out the door.

Dan looks at Phil for a moment, he’s got his arms open for him and Dan melts into the hug. He’ll tell him everything later, but right now this hug was good.

“I’ll text you later.” Dan sighs.

Phil nods, pulling Dan in for a quick kiss.

“Your mum is great. See you.” Phil walks Dan to the door and waves goodbye to Karen one last time.

“I like him,” Karen says wen Phil closes the door, and Dan is beaming. “I like all of your friends. They’re good people.”

Dan thought so too, he was just glad to hear it from his mum.

 

*

 

Dan makes them food back at the flat, it’s an early dinner but his mum had to do some stuff on the computer for a bit so it worked out. She camped out on Dan’s tiny table while Dan worked around in the kitchen. It was so different into comparison of how it used to be at home. They would all be in their separate worlds and only being in the same room because they had to be. Dan would blame it on his teenage angst but he was young and hadn’t had many experiences yet and couldn’t understand his mum. He was glad that he had changed, he hoped that she saw it too.

Every so often she’ll look up from her computer with her glasses slid all the way down her nose to smile at him, and he’ll pour more decaf coffee into her mug. It was nice, and it felt like some of those broken pieces were already starting to come together and heal. _Like a broken fracture that was finally healing properly._

Dan is making chicken noodle soup, one of the first meals he made with Phil. It was windy outside and the flat was a little cold, but somehow the meal felt reminiscent. Hayley was at Alex’s place for the night, giving him and his mum some space while they began packing her flat to merge into this one.

He stirred the soup now, thinking back their conversation about Dan’s future with school and what he’d want to do next. He knew that he wasn’t a master chef or anything, but he liked baking, he was okay at making savory dishes but he could just get lost when it came to doing things at the bakery—he was by no means ready to manage one like Hayley and Donna, he just liked working in the back—behind the scenes is where he felt like he fit best. Culinary school wasn’t at the top of his list but his mum had recommended it and the more he thought about it the more excited he got. He had time now, after he settled some things back at home, he would have time to figure it out.

Phil sends a text saying that he’s ordering Dominos.

Dan shakes his head and replies back with a picture of the soup.

 

_Bring me soup in a container tomorrow plz_

 

_maybe… i’ll think abt it._

 

_Evil._

 

_ <3333 _

 

The soup is done and he sets it down next to his mum and sits across from her. She looks excited to try it, pushing her computer to the side to blow on her soup and take a bite.

“It’s good. I’m impressed.” She takes another spoonful and Dan can relax a little now.

They finish their meal in peace, Dan grabs his journal from his room and sits down across from her writes about his day and finishes a thing he started a couple days ago.

Slowly the natural light gets darker, Dan gets up to turn on the lights and exchange for decaf coffee he turns the kettle on to make them some tea. It’s a quiet end to a rather emotional day but it was perfect, he got the closure that he needed from his mum.

“I have to call nana soon.”

“Yes, she would love that.” Karen pushes her glasses up her nose and continues typing. “I think that if you don’t call her soon she’ll just come unannounced.”

It wouldn’t surprise Dan, he put it on the list of things he needed to do. Dan makes them more tea and puts away the soup in the fridge when it’s cooled down enough.

“What have you been working on?” His mum asks when she’s starting to pack up her computer for the night.

Dan looks down at the pages, noticing how hard he pressed his pen into them.

“A letter, I think.”

 

*

 

Dan’s mum goes home late morning, they have time to enjoy their coffee and walk to the bakery one last time to say goodbye to Dan’s friends who are all there this morning, even Phil who came to say goodbye to Karen. Donna is here, giving his mum a hug, they’ve met before and it’s somehow really healing seeing all the women who mean so much to him in one place.

Alex takes the car keys from Hayley and they head out, Karen with a small box of donuts for her trip home on the house (courtesy of Hayley and Soph). She holds them proudly in her hands while Dan has the luggage in his. He walks her to the train station while Alex waits in the car park.

They stand there looking at each other for a second before Karen places the donuts on top of her luggage, she reaches out to give Dan a hug. It’s a long hug that Dan doesn’t want to let go of.

“Thanks for coming mum.”

She squeezes him tighter.

“Anytime you need me.” She kisses his forehead and messes up his hair, and waves goodbye.

 

*

 

“Would you guys want to do bonfire night?” Dan is sitting at one of the tables in the bakery, Phil is holding both of his hands.

“Sure. What for?” Hayley leans over the counter.

“I want to burn something.”

“Sounds good. We can do it tonight if everyone’s down.”

Everyone seems to be in agreement. Dan gets up from the table and Phil follows suit. They say bye to everyone and head back to Phil’s where Dan plans on taking a big nap.

 

*

 

Dan practically falls into Phil’s bed, he just wants to sink into the covers and in Phil’s arms for the next couple of hours without any disturbance. He sighs when Phil joins him, wrapping his arms around Dan. He finds the perfect spot, his arms around his torso, and Phil is still able to read or be on his phone while Dan sleeps. It’s the perfect combo, and Phil won’t tell him if his arm falls asleep.

“I’ve had such an exhausting couple of days.” Dan says into his chest.

“I can tell.” Phil rubs his back, pressing a kiss at the top of his head.

“I just want to lay here with you for a while before I unpack everything, okay?” Dan looks up at him, Phil presses his lips to Dan’s nose, and then eyelids, forehead, tugging him closer.

“Okay. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

 _I love you_ , sits at the edge of his tongue.

“I like you so much. Goodnight, Phil.”

“I like you so much, too. Sweet dreams, Dan.”

 

*

 

_Dear Jacob,_

_They say time heals all wounds. I’m not sure if that’s true or if it’s just bullshit to make us feel better._

_I’m not sure about a lot of things lately._

_I’ve been trying to write this letter for a while now. Desperately hoping that I can find the words to tell you everything I’ve been meaning to say for months now. I know that you’ll never read this so it’s kind of pointless, but I hear that it’s meant to be therapeutic somehow. My therapist says a lot of things that I don’t understand but I’m starting to trust her. I even opened up to her about you so I’d say that’s an improvement from months ago when I could barely get a word out. It was bad then. I wasn’t very pleasant to be around._

_You died on a Thursday, at four thirty-two p.m. right after our last exam before break. We never made plans to get drinks afterwards but I think it might have been implied given that’s how we normally celebrated after a day of exams. Liz would call the babysitter and she’d met us at the pub near Eddy’s dorm (after determining that it was the best one out of all the pubs in walking distance from all our dorms.) It’s a bit pricier but somehow we always thought the drinks were nicer. They probably weren’t special by any means, but we made it special because of our traditions._

_We were a group to be reckoned with, full of overachievers and procrastinators, I fell somewhere in the middle even though Gemma and Eddy would disagree and say that I was more of the latter. But you always stood up for me, patting my back whenever they’d have a go at me. Of course it was all out of love, we’ve known each other too long to be offended by that._

_So what am I supposed to say in these sort of things? I’ve never done this before and I just feel kind of lost on what to do next._

_Well, I guess we can start there actually._

_I’m lost._

_I don’t want to be a lawyer anymore. It was something that defined me all those years at university. It was a label that I wore because I wanted people to be proud of me when it was just something that would inevitably set me up for failure. I don’t regret those years though—they were some of the best years of my life, being able to be friends with you. I never really had friends back in Wokingham. I had a cousin that I was close to and a couple of other people but we grew out of each other like most childhood friendships do._

_When we all got paired in our group together that first class I was so fucking terrified that I’d balls it up somehow and you’d all be stuck with me for the rest of the year. I can’t even remember who thought of the potluck study group it’s been so long, but you always brought the best dishes. Food really does connect people, and that first study session when I brought my container of pasta it changed everything. We all became inseparable and started to hang out outside of class._

_I think what I’m most afraid of is forgetting. I struggle with not wanting to forget and wanting to live my life, I don’t know if there’s a healthy balance. My friend Hayley seems to have found it. So, maybe I will too and this pain and anger won’t be so hot—because that was all that I felt. It was like an open wound that didn’t know how to heal._

_Here’s the things that I choose to remember you by: You always forgot to bring a pencil, doesn’t matter how many I gave you, you just always lost them. I started to buy a pack to keep in my bag to give to you because of how many you lost. Your favourite place to eat was called This & That, though I’m not sure of the dish. I wish I could ask you what it was. Your favourite Pokemon was Gengar which actually seems pretty fitting since your hair was always spiked. You loved your coffee black, no sugar added. Your favourite out of the batman series was Dark Knight Rises, I think you and I were the only ones that cried in the movie theatre, but that’s okay. You were great at tests, so efficient, I know that’s a boring thing to remember you by, but I would have liked to been more like you, especially when it came to studying, I remember you had such detailed notes. I remember that you used to smile with your whole face, it was like you lit up every room. Maybe that sounds cheesy, like everyone’s supposed to say that when someone dies, like we’re romanticising these features of someone—even if it’s all out of love. But I remember the way that your eyes used to crinkle when Liz would tell you a funny story or when your baby did something adorable, or whenever Eddy and Gemma used to bicker at each other about something stupid. _

_I will choose to remember you in this way._

_I don’t know much about physics or chemistry very well, to be honest I hated it in school, but I do remember this: energy cannot be created or destroyed, but it can be altered from one form to another. So, according to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone._

_You’re still here in one way or another._

_I’m sorry for how long it took me to let things go._

_Your friend,_

_Dan._

 

*

 

They’re in Dan’s room, he’s getting ready for tonight, double layering his clothes with his letter ripped out of his moleskin and sealed in an envelope. He even put his address and a stamp on it. He knew that it wasn’t going anywhere, but it was all part of the process. He sighs when he finishes getting dressed, he turns to look at Phil who’s also got an envelope full of things. It’s not letters, but pictures. Dan didn’t need to ask of who was in the pictures, he already knew. When Phil told him that he wanted to burn them Dan had asked if he was sure—because it was okay if he wanted to save them, preserve them in some kind of way because they were good memories, one’s that he also shared with Olivia.

Phil had looked down at some of the old group photos and he didn’t waver a bit when he said he was ready to get rid of them. Olivia would always be there with him, pictures or not—he didn’t need these anymore. He was ready to completely move on and stop avoiding the box because it wasn’t doing anyone any good.

Dan sat across from him, holding his hand, they stared into each other’s eyes like they were trying to communicate something. Dan smiled, nodding his head,  _message received._  They were in this for the long haul now.

“Should we talk about what we’re going to do when I go back to Manchester?” Dan didn’t want to have this conversation, but they needed to.

Phil seemed to calm him down with a simple nod and smile. “We can Skype. I’ll come visit you, and you can come visit me, we’ll be together in some way or another. I have a job that can be easily taken anywhere. If you want I can even come down with you for a little bit while you figure things out.” Phil reaches out for him, knowing that Dan was constantly filled with anxious thoughts that were sometimes hard to control. “You don’t have to worry Dan. I’m not going anywhere.”

“It’ll be weird not seeing you everyday but…we can do this. It won’t be for very long.”

Dan leans his head against Phil’s chest.

“You can take Phil out of Manchester, but you can’t take Manchester out of the Phil.”

Dan snorts, and lifts his head up giving him such an amused look.

“I don’t think I said that correctly,” Phil giggles, covering his hand over his mouth. Dan shakes his head, pulling his hand away. “Either way, we’ll be in the same city again, and it’ll be great. We’ll go to Ikea and fuck around the store for hours before we actually buy things for our flat it’ll be grossly domestic and everything.”

“Okay,” Dan pushes Phil down on the bed and crawls on top of him, “I’m going to stop you there because we have a few minutes before we go and I don’t want to have to listen to another one of your weird sayings that you butchered, okay?” Dan grins, leaning down to kiss him.

“That’s fair.” Phil agrees, placing his hands on his waist, pulling him closer until Dan just completely falls on top of Phil.

“Fucksake,” Dan says into the kiss, they’re both laughing now.

“This is what you signed up for, I don’t know what to tell you.”

“You’re right. I’m okay with it.”

 

*

 

It takes three people to try and start the fire. Hayley and Dan are sitting on one of the logs, her head resting against Dan’s shoulders while they watch the waves and three of their favourite humans try and set up the fire.

“Should we feel bad?” Dan asks.

Hayley shakes her head. “Nah. We’re good.” She pats his knee.

He chuckles, giving them a thumbs up when they turn to look at the two sitting on the logs doing nothing.

“We’re just observing—making sure everything is fine.” Dan shouts to them.

Alex gives them the middle finger.

“Hey.” Dan laughs before turning to Hayley, “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

He’s been having so many conversations that were just not fun but necessary to have.

Hayley lifts her head and turns to him. “What’s up?” There’s an edge of worry in her voice.

Dan shakes his head, “No, everything is fine. Promise.”

Hayley nods, unsure, but she waits for him to continue.

“I’m going back to Manchester, eventually. Nothing is set in stone just yet, but there’s some stuff I need to take care of. School wise, friend wise, everything that I kind of left behind…”

She leans against Dan again, wrapping her arms around him.

“This sucks.” Hayley sighs, “But I get it.”

“I know, but I’m going to visit. I have no choice.” He smiles, moving his arm so it can wrap around her.

“I’m not ready to let you go.” Hayley pouts.

“Are you sure? You’re always mean to me.” Dan smiles.

“It’s all out of love.”

“I know.” Dan squeezes her arm.

“I’m going to cry every time I walk past your room. That’s a lot of tears Dan because it’s right next to the front door!”

Dan smiles again. “I have a solution for that.” He nods to Soph who’s laughing at something that Phil said.

“I’m sure she’ll treat my room better than I did and give it some actual colour.”

“Probably, but I’ll still miss you. So will Alex. We all will.”

“Me too. You’re my best friends.”

“Speaking of being best friends,” Hayley watches Alex intently before turning to get close to Dan, “I don’t know when you plan on leaving but you need to be here when I propose to Alex.”

Dan’s jaw drops and his smile stretches across his entire face. “What?” He says as quietly as he can when he really wanted to scream.

“I’m so happy for you.” He gives her a hug.

Phil comes sitting down on the log next to them smelling like smoke.

“What are you guys talking about?” Alex sits next to Hayley and Soph sits next to Phil leaning into the conversation.

“How funny you guys looked trying to put the bonfire together.” Dan said with a shrug.

This time all three of them give Dan and Hayley the middle finger.

 

*

 

It’s halfway into the night when Dan starts to feel the heaviness of the letter sitting in his pocket. Phil has his arm wrapped around him and he looks down at Dan with a nod, letting him go. Dan gets up from the log and take the letter out addressed to Jacob Harris. He stares down at it for a long time, thinking about what it meant.

This was so hard, but so necessary.

Dan catches a flame, he holds it in his hands while it burns, and when it gets close to his fingers he tosses it in the fire, watching as the flames consume it until it was nothing but ash that flew away in the wind. Phil comes up from behind him, putting a hand on his back. Phil looks down at his own envelope, he doesn’t take as much time as Dan to throw it in. He doesn’t hold it in his hand like Dan did. They were letting go of different things for different reasons. They watched it burn together, Dan wrapping his arms around Phil’s waist.

It wasn’t as sad as he thought it be, in fact, Dan would say that it was quite peaceful. This was the quiet ending that he wanted to give Jacob, surrounded by people that he loved who loved him back. They might not have met him, but they knew Dan, and maybe that was enough.


	6. epilogue.

**six months later.**

 

Dan woke up to a tiny gremlin on his chest. He sighs, petting their hairless cat named, Meatball Ravioli Howell-Lester. Dan didn’t come up with the name,  _ clearly _ . The only way that Dan was able to get the damn cat was by allowing Phil to name him so of course he had to name him the most ridiculous name that he could think of. Either way, it kind of fit their cat that they rescued. They weren’t meant to get him, Dan had found a kitten near their flat and taken it in just to see if it was chipped, and then it spiraled out of control. He asked to see if there were any hypoallergenic cats that were ready to be adopted and here they were.

“Did he not feed you? Is that why you decided to wake me up a half hour before my alarm goes off?” The cat just meowed, headbutting Dan’s hand wanting to be petted and fed. Dan had swung his legs over the bed, the cat circling around Dan’s legs crying and looking up at Dan for food.

“I know, if you keep tripping me then I won’t be able to feed you.” He reached down to scoop the cat up, he meowed into his ear and Dan shook his head. He couldn’t win. The cat dropped to the ground, bouncing off Dan’s shoulders and onto the counter and then floor. He waited for Dan to grab the cat food from the bag they kept in the pantry and then the wet food from the fridge, which to be honest, was the only thing that the cat cared about.

The main reason why Dan insisted on the cat was because of the need for companionship, especially when Phil was going back and forth between Bridport and Manchester. It wasn’t that Dan was lonely, it was just nice being able to take care of something that wasn’t himself and he always wanted a cat growing up but they were dog people and he didn’t really have a choice when his eyes laid on what was now his— _ their _  cat.

Dan looks at the calendar hanging on the wall, taking a deep breath knowing what day it was. He had been preparing all week for today. He hated how long it took him to reach out to Liz but she sounded happy to hear from Dan when he called her on the phone. Dan had a box of things from university, it was old photos of the gang, he didn’t realise when he finally went through it how many pictures he had with Jacob, though they weren’t taken by him, he didn’t even realise the camera was there half the time. He had his moleskin journal with everything that he knew about him.

His phone buzzes on the counter.

 

_ Good luck today! I can still come if you want me to :) _

 

Dan smiled.

 

_ thanks babe. i’m good. i’m ready.  
_ _ u know what’s not good tho _

 

Dan sends an attachment of Meatball still scarfing down his food, right to the very last kibble.

 

_ i woke up to his butt right on my face he was famished!!! and i KNOW he harassed you for food this morning!!! _

 

He was joking but he liked to tease Phil and his forgetfulness.

 

_ Nooo wut r u talking about he was a quiet little angel this morning :3 _

 

Dan shakes his head typing a quick reply back and looking at the time.

 

_ not amused. ok i gtg get ready  
_ _ have a good rest of the day! _

 

Dan got dressed pretty quickly and straightened his hair in record timing, he had to take the tram to Liz’s place and he didn’t know how long that would take to commute there. He kissed his gremlin on the forehead and grabbed his keys and took the lift down.

There was a fountain outside their flat, it was a pretty cool area, they were lucky to have found it. Dan waves to their neighbours who are walking in as he’s going out. He looked up at the sky, and it was partly cloudy but he brought an umbrella just in case.

It took him a long time to adjust being back in Manchester. He had gotten used to the ocean sounds and the seagulls that used to be so annoying in the beginning but slowly turned into white noise. The first night that he spent in the flat he couldn’t fall asleep, he was tossing and turning, having to call Phil just so he could fall asleep. Over time, he got used to the sounds of the city life again.

He had to learn to love Manchester in a new way. He supposed that Liz did, too.

He sits down on one of the open seats and takes his headphones out. He looks at his phone screen which was a picture of Dan and Phil with Meatball right on top of Phil licking his face. It didn’t take long for Meatball to decide who was the chosen one (it was Phil, the bastard didn’t deserve it even though they were secretly best friends). He smiles at the photo before unlocking his phone to see his home screen which was a group photo of Hayley, Alex, Soph and Phil.

It was at Dan’s going away party. There were a lot of tears and a lot of heartfelt speeches that Dan wasn’t expecting. He had left half of his heart down in Bridport and West Bay, he missed his walks on the cliffs. He miss bonfire nights. He even missed his therapist and the building because it was next to sea. He missed Donna and the bakery.

 

He didn’t think that he could cry that much over a small little building but he did. He visited a few times over the last six months. Once to visit Phil and the girls, the second time for Hayley and Alex’s engagement that turned into a double engagement since they both proposed to each other at the same time. It wasn’t part of the plan, they just knew each other too well when it came to the right time.  

He locked his phone and got up, the next stop was his. From the tram he got on the bus and it wasn’t that long until he was standing in front of a row of bricked flats. He looked at the address trying to find the right number and he knocked on the door with his heart caught in his throat.

He heard baby noises from the inside of the flat and then a tumble.

“Hold on a second!” She yells from inside.

Dan stuffed his hands in his pockets trying to remember how to breathe. He rocked on his heels counting back from ten. He only got to seven when she opened the door, with baby Rosie on her hip. She was much bigger now, it shocked Dan. He didn’t know why, babies grew.

“Hi there.” Dan says with a sheepish smile, leaning into to tickle Rosie’s toes. “Hello there Rosie, you’ve gotten so big.” He uses the same voice that he uses on his cats, he laughed very quietly at the thought.  

“Come on in. Sorry it’s a bit messy.” She closed the door behind Dan and he looked around the flat.

“No problem.” Dan sat down on one of the couches and took his backpack off his shoulders and set it down on the ground. This wasn’t the flat that they lived in, she moved a couple months ago apparently. He bit the inside of his cheek not exploring the thought more.

“I got the kettle on, I’m going to try and put her down for a nap, be right back.”

“Okay.” Dan smiled, getting up to head to the kitchen and make the tea so she wouldn’t have to. He looked in the cupboards and noticed that everything was in the same place as the other flat, as much as it could be at least. He took another deep breath.

He brought the mugs back to the living room setting them on top of the coasters and he sat back down. He looked at all the art on the wall, some that he guessed Liz did, he finds one that Rosie must have painted because Liz wrote her name at the bottom of it. He sees photos of Rosie when she was a baby, and then a family photo of all three of them when she was born.

He gulped seeing that one. He got up, wanting to get a closer look at it.

They were all studying at the library late that night, they had a test the next day. Liz wasn’t due for another week but Rosie had other plans. Jacob had screamed in the library shoving all of his books haphazardly into his backpack and just bolted saying that his girlfriend was about to have their baby.

Gemma, Eddy and Dan had all looked at each other and followed suit to the hospital. They emailed their professor that night explaining that Jacob was in the delivery room with his girlfriend. It was a chaotic night of studying in the waiting room trying to make notes as good as Jacob’s for when he came back. School was the last thing on his mind that night.

He reaches out, his fingers not touching the picture but hovering over it. His throat feels tight.

“That picture always makes me emotional. I’ve taken it down and put it back up numerous of times.” Liz is standing next to him now with the baby monitor in her hand.

“We went from the hospital straight to our test.” Dan said with a small laugh.

“Yeah, I can’t believe that. You guys were dumb. You didn’t have to stay that long.” Liz smiled, shoving his shoulder gently.

Dan shrugs. “Maybe, but we don’t regret it.”

They sit on the couch, Liz on one end curling up in a ball, she encourages Dan to do the same, he can take off his shoes if he wants. He doesn’t necessarily want to, but he does for her. He grabs the mug and holds it in between his hands carefully.

“Thank you for coming.” She’s looking at her mug as she says this. “Not a lot of people visit so much anymore, but they’re busy with school trying to finish up and whatnot.  Are you still doing law?”

Dan shakes his head. “No, I withdrew six months ago. I was on a leave of absence before.”

“Oh. That’s right, I did hear about that from Gemma.”

Dan feels something drop in the pit of his stomach. He takes a drink from the hot tea hoping that it’ll kick whatever awful feeling he felt right now out.

Dan chews on his bottom lip and looks up at Liz who seems to be deep in thought.

“I’m sorry.” Dan takes a small little breath, “I’m sorry I didn’t go to the funeral. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything after it happened… And I’m sorry it took me so long to get in contact.”

She looks up surprised. “What? Dan, I’m not mad at all. Oh my god.” She shakes her head, she puts her mug down back on the coaster holding herself. “I’m not mad. I… I don’t think I ever could be.”

“I brought you something.” Dan reaches in his backpack for the little box of stuff. “This is everything I had with Jacob in it.”

She grabs it from his hand slowly, taking the lid off and grabbing the pictures first.

“I should preface and say that a lot of these pictures were taken during our potluck study sessions. As you can see, there was a lot more potlucking than studying.” Dan says with a small smile, remembering the amount of times that someone had brought out the alcohol and it ruining and derailing their entire night.

She smiles at the pictures, going through each and every one of them, fingers tracing the outlines of his face. Dan keeps the moleskin tight in his grasp. He gulps, flipping through the pages and noticing the remnants of pages he ripped out for Jacob’s letter. He goes forward in the journal stopping right at the first thing that Dan had ever written about Jacob.

When she finishes going through the pictures she looks up at Dan and then down to the journal.

“I had so much guilt after Jacob died. I kind of went off the deep end a little. Really, really pushed down my feelings about what happened, and I kept having this struggle of not knowing Jacob well enough, struggling if he was my friend or not, when I knew that he was, but as my therapist put it, if I admitted that he was my friend it was like I lost something greater. I struggled with those feelings because I wasn’t the one…. You know.” Dan is looking down at his journal, looking at all the ink smears. “I’m sorry for your loss, and I never told you that. But I’m sorry.”

Liz reached out to grab Dan’s hand.

“I’m sorry for your loss too. Jacob really loved all of you. I don’t think he would survived law without you.”

He squeezes her hand and then hands her the journal.

“I wrote down every fact that I could remember and find about Jacob. I spent a whole night doing it because I didn’t want to forget. I thought that you might want to see it. I know that he was kind of a foodie. He went to a lot of restaurants that I hadn’t even heard about and he raved about This & That. My boyfriend and I ate there once, I didn’t know what was Jacob’s favourite dish but the food was good. I can see why you guys liked it so much.”

“He loved the one rice and three curries. But most of the time he just ordered the chicken curry. That reminds me,” She gets up from the couch and walks to her bedroom and then comes back out with a notebook.

She hands it to him and he looks at the cover. It wasn’t anything special, just a normal notebook.

“That’s all the places that he loved to eat, right there in that notebook, down to what he ordered and everything. I think he even has some of the prices listed there. I want you to have it.”

Dan looked up at her, his jaw slacked a little, he shook his head, “No, keep it. This is special.” He tried to hand it back to her but she wouldn’t take it.

“It is special, that’s why I want you to have it. He has two other notebooks, but that was his first. Do me a favour and take your boyfriend to these places, okay?”

Dan doesn’t argue.

“Oh, that reminds me, he mentioned the Lowry a lot. I’ve never been, but I also took my boyfriend who has been. It’s a bridge but it lights up at night and I can see why he liked it.”

He kind of laughed thinking back to when they showed up during the daytime, then Dan remembered that he took pictures of it at night. It was a nice bridge, they sat on the benches near it and held hands. It was nice.

“It makes me really happy to hear that.” Liz closes the lid to the photos and hands it back to Dan.

“No, those are for you. I kept one photo, it’s at home. I wanted you to have them.”

She holds the box to her heart and closes her eyes.

“Thank you Dan. And thank you for coming. It means a lot that you came.”

“I’m talking to Gemma and Eddy again, you’ve all been too kind to me given my absence….” he looks down at his mug. “If you ever want to go for a drink you’re more than welcome to join us. We’d like to have you around. I also have a whole other group of friends who would love to be your friend. Like, they would spoil the hell out of your baby. One of them knitted a sweater for my hairless cat.” He laughs, and is happy to see that she’s smiling and laughing along with him.

“I would like that.”

“Good. Don’t hesitate to call if you just want someone to hang out with.”

Dan gets up from the couch and tries to finish what he can of his tea. She takes the mug from him and brings them back to the kitchen before coming back out and wrapping her arms around Dan.

“Thank you for everything that you’ve shown me and given me, and thank you for being there when you were.” She whispers, holding onto him just a little bit tighter.

He feels his eyes watering up, “I’m glad that I was there.”

Dan grabs his backpack off the ground and puts his shoes back on and starts to head for the door, she follows him out, leaning against the frame.

Dan stops and turns around slightly.

“I know this is an odd question, but what was Jacob’s favourite colour?”

She smiles.

“It was yellow.”

 

*

 

The road to deciding on culinary baking school was two months of going back and forth whether he should or could do it. Everyone around him probably wanted to smack Dan upside the head because of how indecisive he was. It’s not that he didn’t  _ want _  to do it, it was just that same fear he had when it came to law. He didn’t want to fail. He had an advantage though when it came to baking, he had been doing it for months and months and was good at it. He remembers many nights of being on his laptop looking at one particular school that was close enough to Manchester to commute. Each time he swore he’d never go back on the website he’d be there the next night going through every single page that he could.

“I think you should do it.” It was late, and Phil had just gotten home from a long edit session at his office. They were laying in bed with the cat in the middle of them.

“I don’t know Phil.”

“You always say that.” Phil says, reaching out to grab his hand in the dark. “I think you’d have a lot of fun. It’s what like two years? I mean. You never know if you don’t try.”

“I love you.” Dan whispers.

“I love you, too.” Phil presses a kiss to his hand because their cat was cockblocking them. They both were thinking the same thing and had a laugh at it.

“When’s the deadline due?”

Dan sighs, “End of the week.”

“I think you should do it, but it’s up to you. I can’t keep my eyes open so I’m going to sleep.” Phil squeezes his hand and presses a kiss to the top of Meatballs head.

“You’re so whipped.” Dan whispers turning over on his side of the bed.

 

*

 

In typical Dan fashion, he waits until the very last minute to do the application. He’s on Skype with the girls, they’re drinking wine together, Dan types in the website that he’s been visiting for the past week now. He’s not sure what they’re saying, they’ve gone into conversation amongst themselves which is how it normally goes every time they Skype. He likes it, it’s almost like he’s there with them again.

“Did Phil go to bed?” Soph asks, he can see her raising her glass to get the last sips of it.

“Yeah, he has to get up early tomorrow.” Dan says as he’s typing in his information, he’s done this before, too. Filling the application out until completion and then erasing all of it because he was scared.

He bites on the inside of his cheek, drinking his last bit of wine before hitting send. He exits out of the website and focuses back on the girls who are talking about the wedding plans. It’s not until next year but he was glad that they were so excited.

“You seem distracted.” Hayley points out, watching him bite his nails over the shitty web camera. He smiles, rubbing his palm on his thighs and sighing.

“I just did something that I’m freaking out about, but freaking out significantly less because of the wine.” He shrugs. “It’ll be fine.”

 

*

 

Dan is with his mum out for lunch when he gets the email. He had completely forgot that he had sent it in the first place. He looks up at his mum who’s on her own phone, he gulps, clicking the email and then he’s hit with:  _ Congratulations! It is my pleasure— _ ” Dan stops reading after that, he makes an almost shrieking sound.

“What the fuck,” He says, his hands are shaking. His mother looks up at her phone confused and he shows her the email.

She smiles big and reaches out to grab his shaking hands.

“So you did apply. What made you want to do it?”

“Half a bottle of red wine,” He says with a shit eating grin.

She squeezes his hand and rolls her eyes but her smile matches his.

“Go ahead call Phil, I’ll get the bill—my son got into culinary school!” She says proudly, flagging the waiter down.

Dan can barely press call. He was just so happy, and for the first time without a hint of guilt, he knows that he’s allowed to be.

 

*

 

Sometimes when Dan is in class, he’ll think of Jacob and what he would have thought of a dish that they were learning how to make, and if it would have gone in his notebook of best dishes he’s ever had. The thought is quick, but it doesn’t leave its sting like it used to. Maybe time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it does get easier to live with.

When Dan found out that he got into culinary school Phil insisted on throwing a party at their tiny little flat and everyone came—Eddy, Gemma, and Liz with baby Rosie. It was a pastry party, that was the theme anyway, everyone baked their best pastry dish, Phil wanted to go Great British Bake Off style but there wasn’t enough time, their flat was too small, and his plan was too elaborate but Dan loved the enthusiasm anyway.

The first couple of weeks is learning the very, very basics, Dan is eager to learn, often bringing home new techniques to teach Phil. They work together on assignments, whenever Dan feels like Phil needs an editing break they make something that Dan learned that day, showing him how to use certain hand tools. It feels like that first time Phil watched them how to make donuts, but now there was more variety, and Dan was ecstatic.

He ends up baking more cookies and lady fingers than two guys need.

“Did you know that they call us the sugar sluts?” Dan says over dinner.

Phil almost chokes on his bread. “I’m sorry, what?”

“They call us sugar sluts.”

“Who?”

“The culinary track, they’re our rivals.” Dan shrugs, with a small satisfied smile.

“You want to be called that?” Phil laughs.

“Why not?”

Phil shrugs, grabbing a piece of chicken to give to the cat under the table. Dan squints his eyes at him.

“You’re the real sugar slut.” Dan says, shaking his head grabbing both their dishes and walking off in a strut.

 

*

 

Dan is halfway through the semester, and he’s struggling on getting his lemon tart right. He thought it would be an easy thing to make, but he was wrong. There were a few other classmates with him trying to perfect as best as they could, but the sun was slowly starting to go down and he promised Phil that he’d make dinner tonight.

He shot him a quick text that he’d be home soon but he was trying to finish something.

“I keep burning it.” he says with a sigh, taking the tray out of the oven.

“Try it at home, and then come back tomorrow with a clean slate.” One of his classmates told him in passing she grabbed her backpack and left the room.

Now it was just him and his burnt lemon tart.

Sometimes, in these very quiet moments he’ll think of the bakery at Bridport and he’ll feel an odd kind of homesick feeling. When this happens he usually texts Donna what’s on his mind and she’ll always send him some word of wisdom and somehow it makes it all better. He wasn’t going to bother her now that it was getting so late but he missed her—missed all of them. Dan had been having a hard week and this damn lemon tart was pushing him over the edge.

Dan cleans all the equipment he used and puts it all back. His classmate was right, he just needed to try it in the safety of his own home where he felt secure and then come back tomorrow with a better attitude.

Dan turned off the light and started to walk out the door, there campus was really nice, there were a lot of new flowers in bloom but Dan had always been in a rush to get to class to notice them. He took his time now, his bus wouldn’t get here for another ten minutes so he decided to take the long way round. There were some wildflowers that he thought were really pretty that grew alongside many of the planted flowers.

Amidst all the pinks and purples there was a bright yellow flower that looked like lavender sprigs—but yellow. It looked like it didn’t belong and yet it fit perfectly. Dan smiles to himself, he thinks of Jacob, he never knew what shade of yellow he liked, but maybe that little bit of goldenrod was it; bright and unexpected, here for a season until it’s gone again.

 

*

 

Dan gets home later than expected, it’s dark now and Phil has already made dinner. It’s spaghetti with garlic bread, one of the most basic meals that they could make and yet it looked more appetising than anything they’ve ever eaten because of how hungry he was.

Dan drops his backpack and their cat comes padding down their hall to greet Dan with a chorus of meows and purrs against his leg. Dan reaches down to pick the cat up and he leans into his neck, it only lasts a couple of seconds and then he decides he’s had enough and jumps off Dan to the ground. Dan rolls his eyes.

“Dan?” Phil says from their tiny office, he rolls the chair out into the hallway, he’s got his glasses and York hoodie on and it almost makes Dan want to cry a little.

_ He’s had a long day _ .

“You made dinner.” Dan says with a grateful smile.

Phil nods. “Yeah, it sounded like the lemon tart really did a number on you. Do you want me to beat it up for you?”

Dan just snorts.

“Please, I would love to see you square up with a lemon tart for my honour.”

“You joke,” Phil says, “But I would because I love you.”

Dan smiles, motioning with his hand for Phil to come here.

Phil gets up from the chair and rolls it back to his desk. He’s got his arms already wide open for Dan to step into. Dan doesn’t say anything, just rests himself in the crook of Phil’s neck. They stand there in the hall for a while, not moving, Dan only listening to the sound of Phil breathing. He was so lucky to have Phil in his life. They both were busy a lot of the time, but it was just nice knowing that there was somebody that he could come home to.

It was far better than running. He was done with that now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> — Hayley is based off one of my really good friends, we met my freshmen year of college and had clicked immediately, during one of our study sessions he told me about his fiance that passed away and said that he’d never find love again. Well. He’s married now! Him and his husband have been married for two years and just recently went to Paris for their anniversary.
> 
> — Donna is based off a very sweet family friend who was the first to reach out to me after what happened at my school, I fabricated her story a little but what happened at the store happened to her, we’ve had many long discussions about our own stories and she constantly amazes me and is always trying to make me cookies. I just recently saw her and she’s doing fine, she has many grandbabies and is living her best life.
> 
> — Phil is based off of my cousin who is now a nurse and has been with her partner for four years now! They’re going to be getting engaged soon!
> 
> — Soph was a character that I didn’t think was going to have a big role in my story but I couldn’t help but feel something for her so she became a variation of myself and my mom and what she went through when she lost her own mother. I hope you like Soph, in my head, she gets along with her mom and they’ve reconciled <333
> 
> you can find me on tumblr/twitter: **@nihilismdan**  
> [REBLOG](https://nihilismdan.tumblr.com/post/185247427513/finding-light-in-the-dark-places) on tumblr.


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